Battleship - Makes Independence Day look high-brow

Normally I quite enjoy a mindless action romp - I (sadly) managed to enjoy Skyline, Battle L.A. and even bits of Independence Day. Seeing as I'm capable of removing my brain in order to squeeze some mild enjoyment out of Danny Dyer's films, I thought I could employ the same technique with Battleship. Sadly, there wasn't a planet far enough away in the universe that I could ship my mind to in order to enjoy this film.

Taylor Kitsch plays a man who, while chatting up a girl in a bar, decides to steal her some food from a local convenience store in order to impress her. He subsequently gets arrested and then his brother informs him that he should join the navy. He does. If that isn't hard enough to believe he makes Lieutenant Commander in the next scene and ends up captaining a Battleship when it's captain gets (conveniently) killed.

Enter the aliens: they fly halfway across the universe in spaceships so advanced that they sit in the water and then only move by jumping forward in small leaps (seriously). They also only fire bombs and a few spinny disc-type things that break roads and ignore children playing baseball.

Taylor Kitsch then enlists the help of retired naval servicemen and amputees to beat up the alien threat and save the day (along with Rhianna who has a baseball cap that never leaves her head even when she jumps out of a ship and into water).

Okay, so, as with most big-budget Hollywood films, the special effects are top notch. The aliens are good, but we've seen cities being destroyed in things like Independence Day and Godzilla, plus (unfortunately) anyone who's seen the 9/11 footage has watched buildings fall down in real life, leaving Hollywood's interpretations a bit redundant. However, it's the acting that's the problem. The dialogue is so cheesy that you'll find yourself laughing at the allegedly serious lines the actors speak. Liam Neeson's part only amounts to an extended cameo.

I'm surprised the film is rated a 12 certificate, as anyone over 12 will probably feel that their intelligence has been thoroughly insulted by having this made for them. An eight year old boy may enjoy this has he has probably not seen anything better.

I guess this is what comes from making a film out of a board game. I can't wait for `Game of Life: The Movie' starring Ben Affleck and Jessie J.

3/10 Jabba the Hutt wipes himself down with this film