The Owners (2020) - The Good Doctor

There's nothing particularly new about the 'home invasion' genre.  It's been a sub-genre of slasher/horror films since the seventies.  It's mainly American movies that use it and I can't think of seeing it done here in Britain (unless I've seen a British home invasion film and it just wasn't memorable enough for me to recall it right now).

The film-makers have clearly capitalised on 'Game of Thrones' and therefore one of its stars, Maisie Williams, is prominent on its marketing.  Yes, she is the star - she's one of four - kind of undesirable - youths who break into a large mansion with the intent of robbing it, only to find they're forced to take the old couple who live there hostage.  Williams was good in 'Game of Thrones' and her performance is nicely different here, but, as much as I'd love to say she 'carried the movie,' it was acting stalwart (or the seventh Doctor Who, if you like) Sylvester McCoy who steals ever scene.

I don't want to give away too much of the plot as I really enjoyed this film and I don't want to spoil it for anyone who's thinking of watching it, but you may think that four young, healthy robbers may well have little to fear from a nice, middle-class old couple.  I'll leave it there.  There are a few little twists and turns you may not see coming.

Whether you're a fan of Maisie Williams, Sylvester McCoy or the 'home invasion' genre in general, this should fit the bill for you.  And, special mention to the actress who plays McCoy's on-screen wife - she has the least dialogue among the cast and yet her portrayal of her character in menacingly memorable.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Come to Daddy (2019) - Good, then bad, then great

I didn't know what to expect when I found this on a streaming service.  Since Elijah Wood's performance in 'Lord of the Rings' I tend to check out most of his films and I kind of got the impression I was going to be watching a horror movie when I sat down.  How wrong I was.

He plays a young man, trekking back to California after receiving a letter from his long since absent father, talking about meeting up again after thirty years.  Let's just say the reunion doesn't go too well.

I mentioned I enjoyed the film - the first part.  And then something happened and I kind of wondered where it could go from here.  How wrong I was - again.  Then something totally comes right out of left field and the story takes a massive turn which continues in its craziness right up until the excellent ending.

I'd love to go into the plot more and say exactly what I liked, but part of the real enjoyment of this film was watching it for the first time and genuinely not knowing where it was going.  I've seen plenty of Hollywood films which have a 'set structure' and nothing out of the ordinary really happens.  With 'Come to Daddy' I did have the feeling that anything could happen and I didn't know how it would end.

It's not a horror, but I notice people use terms like 'black comedy.' I guess there's some of that in there, but I didn't laugh that much.  I found it more of a heart-warming thriller (if those two genres really go together!).  Either way, if you're looking for something that doesn't involve superheroes fighting hordes of CGI monsters under a skybeam then try this one.  It could well be a hidden gem.

And I never thought I'd hear eighties UK politician Michael Hesseltine's name in a film.  Ever.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

The Paganini Horror (1988) - Colourful and cheesy

I have a bit of a soft spot for Italian eighties horror, so I may be biased when I say that 'The Paganini Horror' is an enjoyable piece of nonsense.  In terms of real film-making excellence - it's awful.  In terms of how much it entertained me - quite a bit.

An all female Italian rock band is under pressure to come up with their next 'big hit' so they reuse an ancient song that was never released by its long-dead composer.  The only problem was that the composer sold his soul to the devil - or something - either way, supernatural shenanigans follow.

The first thing you'll notice is the dubbing.  Or the acting - whichever hits you like a sledgehammer in the face first.  I'm guessing it was shot with the Italian actors speaking English (which, obviously, wasn't their native language, but done simply to get more sales in English-speaking countries, like America) only to have American actors re-dub their lines at a later date.  Therefore, the acting/dubbing is cheesy as hell and every line comes off ridiculously stilted and wooden.

There's little in the way of anything that will really scare you and even less in terms of gore.  The mask the killer wears is kind of creepy I guess and much of the 'special' effects were probably used on this lightning effect that the film-makers must have really been proud of, based on how many times they used it.  

One major plus is - like many Italian horror films - it's beautifully-shot.  The colours on display and general shot composition really are a treat for the eye.  Just because there's not much in the way of scares or gore doesn't mean there's nothing worthy of looking at here.

It's cheap, it's cheesy, it's dubbed and it's a foreign B-movie horror.  Pretty much all those descriptions should put most people off, but if you're a fan of 'so-bad-they're-good' flicks then this is right up there just for the awful acting/dubbing alone.

Oh, and somehow they managed to get horror legend Donald Pleasance to star in this.  Naturally, if you look at any of the marketing, his name is 'top billing.' But don't get too excited - his role extends to little more than an extended cameo, but fair play to him for getting a pay-day out of this!

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

 Death Ship (1980) - Flawed, but fun

A passenger liner gets hit by a mysterious ship in the middle of the night and sinks.  The lifeboat full of survivors finds themselves unwitting 'passengers' about the 'Death Ship' which previous sunk them.  It's hardly a radically-different plot, but it's well executed.

First of all I was taken by the stunt work involved.  There are some pretty dangerous falls shot - seemingly - without the help of wires etc.  Plus the fact that this was made in 1980 means no slightly dodgy-looking computer generated effects - it's all practical sets and work - which certainly makes it look nice.  Also, there are some quite harrowing moments.  I don't know whether you'll call them 'horrific,' but there are bits that might make you a bit squeamish.

After a strong start the film does start to drag around the middle.  You have the survivors simply wandering round an empty ship.  Plus, seeing as the ship itself is sort of 'possessed' you don't have a physical antagonist to really be afraid of.  Scary/dangerous things just happen and it's a bit like a 'Final Destination' entry - but then that franchise was pretty successful, so I guess some may see this as a positive.

Plus the general cast are quite bland.  I didn't care much for any of them, but the children were actually not as annoying as kids generally are in this kind of film.  One of them constantly needing the toilet really was quite amusing.

Luckily, the film's final act picks up the pace again as we also get a physical antagonist as one of the crew becomes as possessed as the vessel itself, so at least there's now someone to fear - and run away from.

I'd never heard of this film until I stumbled across it, so perhaps it didn't perform that well in the eighties, but I actually found it quite watchable and may well be a bit of a hidden gem in the genre. 

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Dirty Games (2022) - Not as clever as it thinks

I remember when 'Big Brother' first aired on the UK television (2000, I believe).  It was new, fresh and unlike anything the viewing public had really seen before.  It took the country by storm and the world followed, often being credited as revitalising the 'reality TV genre.' Now we come to 'Dirty Games' (made in 2022) - a British film about - effectively - a 'Big Brother-style' environment where a handful of good-looking youngsters are in a house together, being filmed 24/7 and under threat of being voted off my the public.

Unfortunately, the movie has many negatives and not many positives. For a start, the the most part it's nothing that different to what we've seen on real reality TV shows like 'Big Brother.' If you're looking for nudity and a film that indulges in 'soft core' activities, so to speak, then you may enjoy this.  But I've seen more explicit scenes on reality TV and the 'mystery' as to why they're all really there doesn't really play much of a part in it until the end.  You're effectively watching a film that is one long reality TV show!

Maybe, if it had a lot of twists and turns, it might be better.  But then we come to the acting.  I've watched a lot of B-movies and seen the odd 'wooden' performance here and there, but normally it's just one or two actors out of the bunch who stuck out.  Here, it's like every last one of them is a second-rate part time drama student who's only just read the lines before they had to film them.  Seriously, in true reality TV form, new 'contestants' arrive in the house and I kept thinking that each had to be a better actor than the last.  They weren't.  Although, none of them could compare to the 'host' whose American accent is truly one of the worst I've ever heard (I'm assuming she's really not an American native, but if I find out she is I truly don't know which part of the country she comes from!).

It's not outright terrible.  If you're in the mood you'll probably watch until the end just to find out a few answers to various big questions, but, as I say, the best way to describe it is just like a regular reality TV show where everyone is unlikable and only trying to outdo the others in their quest for fame and fortune.  If this had been made during 'Big Brother's' heyday it might have been a lot more novel, but I've seen films based on the genre and there's actually a fair few who did it better than this (TV's 'Dead Set' being the best, in my opinion).

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Rats: Night of Terror (1984) - Should have been a parody

Oh, no, the apocalypse has happened and now gangs maraud through the wastelands dressed like extras from that 1979 film, 'The Warriors.' But, if searching for supplies and trying to maintain a social hierarchy isn't hard enough, just when you think your tribe has caught a break by finding a building full of supplies like sugar, they find that they aren't the only residents there.  The four-legged kind are also staking a claim to the building.

So a groups of about ten hard-as-nails biker-type apocalyptic road warriors have to survive a night against swarms of - rather confused-looking - vermin who sort of floor in, courtesy of unseen stage hands breaking various animal rights laws by chucking them at the actors.

And, weirdly, the rats seem to hold their own.  Yes, our human heroes start dropping like flies and panicking as their numbers dwindle.

Now, sort of scenario may be common in horror films.  I can't help but liken the situation to (my all time favourite film 'Aliens') only the xenomorphs are huge, deadly and much stronger than the humans trying to survive.  Even if rats were all over your living room floor, assuming you were able-bodied you could just jump over most of them and clear the room in a few strides.  Yet this never seems to happen.

The whole film is very serious, like the threat of rats is like none the human race has ever encountered before.  In fact, the more serious the actors sell the situation, the funnier it gets.

I don't know whether this is a 'so-bad-it's-good' film or not, but it certainly held my attention right until the end.  And I'm so glad I stuck with it.  No matter how crazy unrealistic and daft the film was all the way through, nothing could have prepared me for the end.  I won't spoil it, but if you try watching this and find you hate it so much you actually want to switch it off, I implore you to at least skip ahead to literally the last couple of minutes of the film.  It will make it all worthwhile - I promise you.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Cottage (2022) - Short and not that sweet

Five friends go to a cabin... how many times have horror movies started out like this before?  Okay, so this time it's technically a 'cottage,' but I really don't think that makes much of a difference.

First of all this has to be one of the shortest films I've seen in a long time.  Rather than being close to ninety minutes, it's not even close to an hour long - clocking in at about forty-nine minutes.

Therefore, there's not an awful lot to say about a film that's so short.  We get a whistlestop tour of the characters and - believe it or not - they're not bad actors and the dialogue they share is actually reasonably believable.  Then, before you know it, there's supernatural events going down and it's all over.

Sadly, if there's one word you need to know about this film it's 'budget.' Or lack thereof, I should say.  Just because a film doesn't have a lot of money behind it doesn't mean it's going to be bad.  Take this one - the actors are just fine, as are their performances.  But it is technically a 'horror' film and with something in that genre, you're going to need at least a little bit of cash put by for a scare or two.

So, here the film-makers use every trick in the book to avoid actually showing anything that might involve spending money.  Even the sound effects and demonic voices are only played when an actor is facing the other way - I guess that saves on matching up an actor's mouth to the dubbed dialogue.

This could have been a student film for it's overall look, feel, cast and lack of budget.  If you're looking for a great film called 'The Cottage' then there's an Andy Serkis film of the same name released back in 2008.  It's wonderfully black comedy and it didn't have much of a budget either, but it's a million times better than this one.

2/10 Scuzzier than the leftover goo from a Queen alien's egg sack

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996) Someone obviously saw 'Aliens'

Yes, it's the time when a franchise 'jumps the shark' and does something totally against the rules of the story, just to squeeze another few quid out of the fanbase.  I may have watched - and admittedly enjoyed - the first three 'Leprechaun' films, but that doesn't mean I can recall much about them.  They were daft, cheesy fun and I didn't feel like I wasted my time watching them, but I certainly can't remember how the third entry ended.

I guess it must have ended with the evil little sprite getting into a rocket and soring into the future.  Or something.  Either way, who cares?  This time he's aboard a spaceship killing the crew.  That's pretty much all you need to know about the plot.

At least the film-makers knew that were generally stretching the premise a little too far this time round and had fun with the project.  As with so many films post 1979 (if they're ripping off 'Alien') or 1986 (if they've chosen 'Aliens' to mimic) it's like both classic screenplays have been squashed together in a kind of 'knowing' way.  We have a team of - effectively - Colonial Marines who have to take on the titular little nasty while he tries his best to wed some random space princess who's being experimented on in the ship's science labs.

Once again, Warwick Davis is he true star and, if you're a fan of the previous films, you'll enjoy watching his murderously insane antic aboard a spaceship.  The marines are pretty generic and you won't really remember many of their names once they're slowly picked off one by one. However, I feel the 'damsel' (/princess) who needs saving is worth a special mention, simply because she's just as nasty as the leprechaun himself and having the two of them teaming up side to side is a joy to watch.  Also, for those of us of a certain age, we may remember the classic British sit-com 'Allo Allo.' If you, like me, can remember the slightly camp German Second World War officer, Lieutenant Gruber, then it's certainly weird seeing him as some sort of eccentric half cyborg scientist (but fun!).

Which is more than can be said for the special effects.  I've seen some poor CGI in my time, but the spaceships and in-genre effects like forcefields are really poor.  I read online that even the film-makers were not happy with the overall results and claimed they were worse than a Playstation 1's cutscenes.

Anyway, yes, 'Leprechaun 4: In Space' is definitely a shameless cash grab and offers little new.  But, if - like me - you're a fan of the series and don't mind the major cheese-factor then you'll get some fun out of this one.  Even if it's just for the 'plate scene death' where a character gets his face flattened in something akin to a Loonie Toons cartoon - still makes me smile just thinking about it.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Crazies (1973) - Not 'Dawn of the Dead' but not bad either

'The Crazies' is often - unfavourably - compared to George A Romero's 'godfather' of all zombie films, 1979's 'Dawn of the Dead.' And, although I guess there are similarities, they're very different beasts.

You won't find a shuffling ghoul in 'The Crazies,' but you'll witness society's breakdown in ways that were only touched upon in the 'Dead' series.

A plane goes down in a small American town, releasing a virus that makes people go, well, you probably guessed it, crazy.  The army are swift to move in to try and contain the situation, but are soon overwhelmed with the scale of the task at hand.

The movie - mainly - follows a small band of survivors who are trying to flee the stricken town, before they too are overcome by the virus.  Like I say, the film is - mainly - about them.  However, one of the story's flaws is that it is a little 'all over the place,' never really knowing who or what to focus on.

Because the 'antagonist' is technically a faceless virus, the film-makers spend a long time with military and scientific staff who are doing their best to find a cure, or at least contain the plague.  What could have been a tight story sort of feel more like a bunch of loosely-connected sketches, relating to the end of the world.

However, that doesn't mean the film isn't worth your time.  It's pretty intense - if a little overblown and hammy at times - and the desperation of the situation is really cranked up to eleven.

Like I say, it's nothing - technically - to do with 'Dawn of the Dead,' but we live in a cinematic world of 'shared universes' and this is filmed in such a similar style to the zombie epic that it almost feels like this is taking place at the same time as the undead uprising.  Not only does it share a few of the same actors (playing different characters, of course), but the special effects and gore all seem right out of the 'Dead' playbook.

It may not be as good as Romero's zombie offerings, but if you're looking for a bleak and depressing apocalyptic version of how science could well end our society then this one is definitely worth watching.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Ghost Crew (2022) - Cheap and - surprisingly - cheerful

From the moment I started watching 'Ghost Crew' I was immediately struck by how cheap it looked.  It was half 'found footage' and half 'documentary' and there were no actors or special effects to speak of.  It's at this point where you'd probably expect me to say how bad it was and how much I regretted putting it on.  However, for some reason I found the low-budget effort quite captivating.  And this was largely to do with the locations.

As I say, the film-makers obviously didn't have much of a budget to hire studios and create great epic sets to film on, so instead they seem to have scouted out real life locations and just filmed there.  And the locations are indeed pretty chilling (mainly the abandoned building that is a 'hospital' for the purposes of this story).

Although, I still take issue with the title 'Ghost Crew' as it makes me think of something 'ship-related' where in fact it's about a team of documentary film-makers who are investigating a string of historic deaths at an abandoned hospital in Scotland.

Sadly, the acting isn't up to much.  Most of the glorified extras who double as interviewees really do chew the scenery, which is a shame.  The main protagonist (who looks like a Scottish Dante Hicks from the 'Clerks' trilogy and constantly wears a brown raincoat) also overacts, but, seeing as he's technically presenting the show, his overacting comes across like it's a little more intentional and a trait of the character as he tries to hype his own paranormal show. 

Overall, it's nice to see a film where it does its best to provide a more 'realistic' feel, rather than relying on huge CGI set pieces and monsters galore.  The only real gripe I had was from a technical standpoint where 90% of the film is shot from the cameraman's perspective, i.e. 'found footage' style, yet suddenly - and without warning - the shot will jump to a more typical Hollywood 'third person' perspective which is a little jarring in terms of narrative structure.

I probably wouldn't pay to watch this in a cinema, but if you can find it on a streaming service and want your chills a little more grounded then you can definitely do worse.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981) - Starts off well

I really enjoyed the first act of 'Dark Night of the Scarecrow' - it's about a quartet of not particularly nice rednecks who gun down an innocent man with learning difficulties in a case of misunderstanding.  What follows - in the short term, at least - is quite a tense stand-off involving townsfolk, social commentary and courtroom drama.  However, what has quite a decent start, sort of descends into something a bit more formulaic and predictable.

Naturally, supernatural shenanigans start to follow as some - fatally - creepy happenings start occurring in the aftermath of the town.  Now, this could have been good, but it's all a bit samey.  Once you've seen one supernatural act of revenge, you basically have seen them all.

It kind of held my interest until the end, but that's largely due to the primary antagonist who is hardly a sympathetic character, but he's played so well you'll enjoy waiting to see that he gets what's coming to him!

I've seen a fair few 'supernatural revenge' films over the years.  In fact 'The Crow' happens to be one of my favourite movies of all time.  One of the great things about that - and others - is that the 'wronged' individual is front and centre when it comes to meeting out punishment to those who had caused his demise.  However, here the original victim was never destined to be 'leading man material' therefore he's not really seen throughout the rest of the film and, instead, you get a kind of 'Final Destination' feel where karma meets out revenge on his behalf.

Like I say, I don't want to be too harsh on it, as it help my interest and I don't regret sitting down to watch it.  My main gripe was that for a film with such a strong start, it just didn't keep its momentum in my opinion.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Overnight (2022) - Drags a bit

'The Overnight' is about a young couple who go on vacation, but end up staying the night in an old hotel which turns out to be haunted... or full of ghosts, or demons, or something.

First of all one half of the couple (the woman) just isn't that likable.  Perhaps it's me being old and grumpy, but I can't stand the younger generation who are always on their phones taking selfies, so she rubbed me up the wrong way right from the start.  

Anyway, the hotel itself is nice.  From what I've read online it's not a set, but a genuinely run-down hotel which was used for filming purposes, so it fits the bill for a creepy environment.  But the whole thing just takes a while to get going.  At least forty-five minutes of the hour and a half runtime are just taken up with the couple bickering and experiencing events which are - only slightly - spooky.

Sure, the acting isn't too bad, but there isn't much here that's either creepy or gory - which doesn't bore too well for a film that's supposed to be 'horror.' The film looks okay from a technical point of view and at least it doesn't come across as cheap, just a little unfocused.  I couldn't really work out what the general threat was - it could have been ghosts, or possession, or suicidal entities seeking revenge.  Who knows?

Yeah, there's the obligatory 'fight for their lives' in the final act, but it's too little too late.  Plus as there's only two protagonists to begin with, you know that nothing much is going to happen to them until the absolute end.  There's just not enough here to particularly recommend.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Undead Apocalypse (2012) - Filmed on a budget of £1.29

I've just gone to review 'Undead Apocalypse' and found that it's the film-makers' first movie they made after they'd left college.  Now I feel really bad about dunking on it as it's clear they've tried their best.  It's about - as the slightly overly-dramatic title may suggest - a zombie uprising, this time taking place in quite possibly the most empty university campus in Florida you've ever seen.

The trouble is budget.  They don't have the acting talent.  They don't have the make-up and special effects and, being the producers' first film, they still appear to have a lot to learn about the film-making process.

A couple of things that are very obvious are the pacing the soundtrack.  The film starts with a big long conversation that drags on and, yes, I'm guessing they thought it would build character, but it's just long and boring.  Then there's the soundtrack.  Whether it's happening during the afore-mentioned conversation or when the few zombies you see on screen at one time are attacking, loud opera music is played.  I guess the film-makers must have thought this would add to the dramatic tension, but it just doesn't work.

I hope the people who made this learn from their mistakes and go on to better things.  It's clear they have a passions for the genre, but everything here is just so 'student-like' that it's hard to see past it, plus the characters themselves are hardly fully fleshed out so you won't really care when each gets an off-screen death to save on the gore budget.

During the drought of zombie films that was the nineties, this one might have been seen as a novelty.  However, we're now living in a post 'Resident Evil' and 'The Walking Dead' world where zombie movies and TV shows are ten a penny, so there's so much out there that's better than this if you fancy your fix of the undead.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Killer Weekend aka 'Fubar' (2018) - Fun, if you're in the right sort of mood

The marketing for this film states that it's like 'The Inbetweeners' mixed with 'Shaun of the Dead.' I suppose I can see where they're coming from, but the films I'd liken it to would be more 'Doghouse' meets 'Severance,' but seeing as those two are probably not as famous as the first ones, I guess either comparison is fair.

It's about a party of British guys going on a survival weekend, where they basically have to rough it in the woods while paintballing 'zombies' (or ex-squaddies in bad make-up).  Naturally, as the title suggests, things do not go to plan and the bodies start mounting up.

It's rare that a so-called 'comedy' film actually makes me laugh - normally only getting a wry smile out of me at best.  However, the banter between the men actually did make me laugh in places.  It's actually pretty well written and the characters will grow on you.  About the only two you might know are 'Keith' from Ricky Gervais' 'The Office' (no, I don't know his real name!) and Mark Heap, who used to be in a lot of Chris Morris TV shows back around the year 2000.  At first, they kind of come across as just a bunch of stereotypes - one of which is effectively every on-screen character Nick Frost and James Corden have played, only rolled into one.  However, the stand-out was the posh lawyer, who I didn't like at the beginning, but he had a lot of the best lines.

If the film had a flaw it's that - for the main part - the story stay within the confines of reality and in the - albeit extreme - situations the characters find themselves in, everything is supposed to be believable and realistic.  However, in some situations which start of grounded, sort of deviate into slapstick which then feels unreal and not in keeping with the general tone of the story.  The writer in me kept trying to rewrite scenes so that they played out slightly different, keeping the situations 'more real.'

'Killer Weekend' may not be as good, or memorable as the films its marketing claims it's trying to live up to, but I found it good fun - give it a try, if you're not expecting anything too taxing on the old grey matter.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Among the Living (2022) - Discount Last of Us

There some iconic scenes in zombie movies - 'Dawn of the Dead's' shopping mall full of staggering corpses, Cillian Murphy wandering round an empty London, Rick on horseback riding down a deserted freeway towards a desolated city.  All of these work well because they're all normal settings we're all used to, only turned on their head so that they're absolutely horrific.

Now we come to 'Among the Living.' Have you ever walked through a wood and thought, 'This is like a zombie apocalypse!' Probably not.  Because you can walk through a wood right now and it would be like you're on the set of this movie.

Yes, there are some nice landscape shots of the British countryside, but the budget (or lack of) prevents the story from ever becoming anything truly terrifying.  It's about a man and a younger girl (brother and sister - presumably to move away from the far more famous plotline of 'Last of Us' travelling across the countryside in order to reach their family.

It tries to ramp up the tension when a zombie appears (and there's rarely more than a single ghoul on screen at one time) by dramatic music, but not enough happens to justify the score.  Plus the zombies operate on weird rules.  Maybe I missed a single line of dialogue where zombies are afraid of light, because everyone seems fine with shining torches in the dark and even creating pretty light shows with lanterns without fear of getting eaten.  Plus the undead seem to operate on random rules.  Are they totally braindead, existing purely on instinct?  Or do they retain some form of human logic?  Sometimes they act like mindless beasts, other times they'll stalk and hunt their victims - mainly on what the plot dictates at the time.

There's long periods of talking where not much happens, but then that could be a good thing as the actors are hardly top quality and don't get me started on the two child actors.  I know it's difficult for kids to act sometimes, so many films don't rely on them too much. This one did - and it probably shouldn't have.  Then the adult actors play characters who aren't that likeable in the first place.

Overall, there are so many zombie films and TV shows there are dozens that are better.  This one might have been more novel if it came along almost twenty years ago.  Now it's a dime a dozen.  There was a nice scene midway through with some decent dramatic tension when someone had been bitten was trying to find a 'way out,' but apart from that there really isn't much here to recommend.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Visiting Hours (1982) - Just don't think too hard about it

There are some films where it just doesn't pay to think too deeply into what's happening in front of you.  Sure, you could nit-pick every last little detail and all you'd be left with is a deeply flawed movie with a hundred and one plot holes (like 'Visiting Hours').  Or you could simply roll your eyes and enjoy it for what it is - a nicely-creepy little horror/slasher film of the early eighties.

It's not one of those films where you have to guess who the killer is, or even one where the psycho in question wears a mask to hide his identity.  Michael Ironside is shown to us right from the start as a nutter who likes to generally break into women's houses, stab them to death and then take photos of their dying moments.  Now, Ironside may never have attained A-list status in his long career, but that doesn't mean that he turns in a bad performance.  In fact, I can't think of any less-than-stellar inclusions to his various film and TV credits.  And here is no different - he's excellent as the - typically for him - strong and silent maniac with the knife.

Here he breaks into a news anchor woman's house, but doesn't quite manage to finish her off.  Ever the perfectionist, he tracks her down to the hospital she's recovering in and sets his sights on getting the job done properly, despite Captain Kirk's best efforts.  Oh, did I mention William Shatner was in this?  Well, he is.  But not too much.  Whether that's a positive or a negative will depend on how much you love 'Star Trek' I guess.

You might think that if a celebrity was attacked like this in her own home and the suspect wasn't caught, full security would be afforded her during her recouperation.  Not here.  Or maybe it does - again, depending on how you look at it.  The security at the hospital is either non existent, or comprising of the most incompetent law enforcement officers ever to walk the beat - seriously, Frank Drebin from 'Police Squad' would be a more competent protector of the poor woman.

Like I say, the film has numerous flaws and plot holes, but, after a while, I decided to just concentrate on all the positive aspects and ignore the fact how Michael Ironside is a 'master of disguise.' By this I mean that no matter how many people see his face, all he has to do is change his clothes and turn up at the hospital on another day and he's effectively invisible to everyone who has previously seen him.

If you like your eighties slasher films (apparently this one is like 'Halloween II' as it's mostly set in a hospital, but I haven't seen that, so I couldn't say) then this is definitely worth a watch.  I even hear it was one of those recognised 'video nasties' we had here in England in the early eighties, but if that makes you think it's going to be wall to wall violence and gore then you may be disappointed.  It's actually pretty tame by today's standards, but still worth checking out.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Head Count (2018) - Slow, but holds your attention

How many horror films' blubs begins... 'A group of teenagers...' Well, in this case your average group of American teenagers meet up in a holiday home in the middle of the desert, only to invoke a supernatural curse and start falling foul to its evil ways.

The characters are at least likable, even if you probably won't remember their names by the time the credits roll and it's believable that they're all a group of friends.  Plus they don't make completely dumb decisions all the time like so many of their ilk in this genre.  Therefore, at least you feel something for their plight when the bad stuff goes down - but you will have to wait for said 'bad stuff.'

It's a slow burn all right.  Most of the film is taken up with character building and the occasional 'creep out' scare (of which they are nicely done and I did appreciate the subtlety when they arrive and take you off guard.

It's not a long film and when the final act comes around you get a bit of special effects in term of the monster itself.  I couldn't work out whether I thought it was good, or goofy.  I guess it depends on your taste as to whether you'll actually find the antagonist scary or not.

'Head Count' hardly gives us anything we haven't seen before, but if you can find it on a streaming service as part of a package and you're in the mood for a creepy little slow-burner of a horror film, then you might enjoy this one.  These days I normally judge a film by how tempted I am to check my phone during its runtime and I have to say that this one kept my attention without me checking Instagram twenty times in ninety minutes.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

In the Spider's Web (2007) - Lance saves it (again)

Take a pretty run-of-the-mill film, add Lance Henriksen in - at least - a prominent role and it instantly elevates it to at least 'watchable' status.  In case you hadn't guessed by the title, 'In the Spider's Web' is about a team of, er, I don't know what they were doing, but it doesn't matter, let's say they're scientists, or something.  Anyway, a diverse team of spider-fodder are mooching around a north Indian jungle when one of them gets bitten by a spider.  They take her to a nearby village where they soon discover that the creepy-crawlies aren't the only thing they have to worry about.

There are a few establishing shot here and there to denote that at least the production went to a real life jungle to get some of the footage.  Otherwise, they seem to save a lot of money by putting a few plant pots around a sound stage and let the audience do their best to believe that the actors are really deep in a jungle.  Apart from that, the special effects aren't that bad.  The spiders are - for the most part - real (with the possible exception of the arachnid 'crowd scenes') and the worst effects in the film were when a couple of characters fell down a long drop and you could almost see the green screen behind them.

If you're already not a fan of spiders (who is?) then you'll find some of the scenes quite creepy and did I mention Lance Henriksen is in it?  Sometimes he's good and sometimes he's bad.  In this film he has long nails on one hand and a brother who walks around wearing a sack on his head making him look like a cross between the elephant man and an 'engineer' from the 'Alien/Prometheus' franchise.  I'll let you guess if Henriksen's motives are pure here - either way, he steals every scene.

It's hardly a classic, but it's a decent enough little watch if you're in the mood for some sort of cheesy B-movie and/or you're a fan of Lance Henriksen which crosses 'Arachnophobia' with 'Temple of Doom.'

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Ice Spiders (2007) - I just couldn't hate it

I don't think it's too much of a 'spoiler' to say that this film has (giant!) spider in it.  And it's set in an icy location.  That explains the title.  And it also cements is as a certified 'B-movie,' but I'm fine with that.  I don't mind cheesy films with bad acting and special effects if they keep me entertained for an hour and a half.

No, this film does not have a huge budget, but lately some of the biggest Hollywood blockbusters have been released with terrible computer special effects and have been rightly pulled up on it.  Yeah, the spiders here look a bit CGI-ish, but I thought they were pretty good - at least no worse than you average 2023 superhero film set in another dimension with an army of aliens soldiers fighting a war.

'Ice Spiders' is set in a ski resort which seems to have a military base right next door which also doubles as a facility for splicing the genes of spiders with, er, bigger spiders I guess - do you care?  Either way, the giant eight-legged freaks get loose and a lot of teenagers get more than just a mouthful of snow and a bad landing when they take to the slopes.  The whole 'breeding' giant spiders part of the plot could probably have been left out.  You could have just had it that a load of big spiders arrived and the film would have played out just the same.

You probably won't have heard of any of the cast.  I knew Patrick Muldoon (the lead), simply because he was famous (in my circles!) for getting his brains sucked out in 'Starship Troopers.' I didn't know anyone else, but I hear a couple more were in 'Melrose Place' together. 

So the script may be littered with a few more than clunky lines, the effects - well, you can probably tell the arachnids were added in post production and it's as daft as it is long - and it's not a very long film.  Yet, for all its flaws I stuck with it.  I enjoyed the cheese and the daftness of it all.  It might have been played reasonably straight, but it seemed to revel in all its B-movie glory and for that I definitely don't think I wasted an hour and a half on this one.  Seek it out on a streaming service and watch it for free.

Where else would you get to see a giant, mutant spider stabbed to death by the antlers on a stuffed dear's head?

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

From a Whisper to a Scream (1987) - Better than I expected

I'd recently watched 'The Monster Club' - an early eighties horror anthology which was pretty tongue-in-cheek and held together by segments starring genre legend, Vincent Price. 'From a Whisper to a Scream' (or 'The Offspring' if you're in the USA) is also a horror anthology, held together by Price, only it's much better.

It wasn't that I objected to anything in 'The Monster Club,' it was just that it wasn't scary.  At least the four stories here are all quite disturbing (and fourth one even having a scene which was a little hard to watch).  Then, stories one through three all seem to end with some deliberately ironic twist which does bring a wry smile to the audience.  The Fourth film was definitely the weakest of the four - it could probably have been cut all together, but at least there was a fair bit of gore in it I guess.

The good thing about having four stories is that if you don't like the one you're watching then, if you're a general fan of horror flicks, then you'll probably enjoy one of the other ones (my favourite was the first one and I barely recognised Clu Gallagher in the lead role).  Pity Vincent Price was so underused here.  He wasn't in 'The Monster Club' much either, but at least his scenes were the best bits.  Still will give you a few chills here and there with the general quirkiness and originality of the situations our four unfortunately protagonists find themselves in.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Death Race 2000 (1975) - Absolutely mental (and I love it)

I haven't seen 'Death Race 2000' since I was little (in the early 80s) - yes, my parents were quite liberal in what they let me watch!  All I remember was enjoyable gore and that 'Rocky' was in it.  However, now I've seen it again as an adult, I can appreciate it as so much more.

I do like a nice 'so bad it's good' type film and I'm halfway inclined to describe it as such.  But the fact that the world was so damn well fleshed-out in terms of 'world building' that it's actually a damn fine film in its own right.

So, as you sit down to watch it, suspend your disbelief and prepare to be taken into a world where a lethal road race is held from one side of America to the other, where the five drivers get 'points' for killing innocent bystanders (and/or anyone else they decide to murder along the way).

Take the best 'Fast and the Furious' film, make it with practical, grounded effects, set it in the world of 'The Running Man' and add the social commentary of 'Robocop' and you end up with 'Death Race 2000.'

David Carradine is the lead driver and he's up against a young Sylvester Stallone.  Carradine may have a lot of titles under his belt, so his performance is pitch perfect as the anti-hero.  Stallone was a little more inexperienced back in these days, but he's gloriously over-the-top as the main rival.

It's one of those films that has to be seen to be believed.  It's a nice tight eighty minutes in run-time and it's totally crazy from beginning to the end - and very simple in its enjoyment all the way.  Oh, and the Jason Statham remake isn't bad either (but totally different in many ways).

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

The Call (2020) - Nice cast, but too bloated

I really wanted to like 'The Call' a lot more than I did when I found it had horror stalwarts Lin Shaye and Tobin Bell on the cast list.  However, it just felt too long for its own good and nothing much happened.

It's set in 1987.  Why?  No idea, besides some 'period' costumes early on in the film, there's no real reason why this couldn't be set in present day.  Early on, every 80s cliche seems to be rolled out, from 'Adam Ant' style costumes to playing Pacman at the arcade.  Then it all takes a back seat as the four main teenage characters (most of which look a lot older than the story would have us believe!) leave the cheapest looking set which passes for a carnival and go visit an old couple of 'play pranks' on them.

Unfortunately, this leads to a death and a spooky encounter a few days later.  I'm trying to be as vague as I can for fear of spoilers, but you don't get as much Lin Shaye as would have elevated the film more.  Tobin Bell does his best to be creepy - and he is - but his scenes are the first to just drag on before the 'meat' of the story gets going.

Then we're treated to four similar tales of horror - one per character - which are all preluded by very long drawn out scenes and basically  much re-treads of each other and then it basically ends.  I understand the reason why the film is called 'The Call,' but I'm sure they could have come up with a better - less generic - title.  It's almost an hour before the 'horror' of this film gets going and, when it does,' it's not an awful lot that you haven't seen before.

All in all, 'The Call' is okay, but not half as good as making a tighter-scripted film which utilised the considerable talents of Shaye and Bell.  It's got some nice, stylish touches here and there - like the edits nearer the beginning of the movie - but apart from that and the two elder statesmen of horror, it hasn't got as much going for it as it could have.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

The Monster Club (1981) - Three mini 'Hammer' films

'The Monster Club' is actually an anthology of three - roughly - half hour monster-related stories set in Britain.  Even for 1981, this film is the definition of 'low budget' and the - almost blatant - Halloween-esque masks the background monsters wear would practically make the film unwatchable if it wasn't for the fact that it really doesn't take itself seriously and is effectively tongue in cheek.

Horror legend Vincent Price threads the tales together as a vampire who invites a horror writer to the titular 'Monster Club' to give him some extra ideas for upcoming novels.  These are probably the best bits really and I'd probably rather see more of this than the shorter stories he tells.  After the film had ended, I tried to work out what order I'd put the three stories in and see which one was the strongest and which the weakest.  However, they're all a bit 'so-so' in my opinion.  Yeah, they're okay, but not really scary enough to be frightening, without the budget to be gory and not funny enough to really be an outright comedy.

It's all rather camp and 'Hammer Horror' film-like.  If you like cheesy low-budget melodrama then you'll definitely get something out of this film.  I used to watch Hammer films as a kid and probably only really kids would ever find any of these tales particularly threatening.

Give it a go if you're a fan of the genre.  I did find it entertaining, if not really brilliant.  But at least it did have my hometown on the map shown in the third story.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Ditched (2021) - Nice concept

An ambulance carrying some dangerous prisoners crashes late one night, leaving both police, paramedics and convicts stuck in the woods.  Then things get worse when they discover there are those waiting for them in the darkness who have lethal intentions towards them.

It's a low-budget flick which is effectively one main location, i.e. the stricken ambulance where the survivors of the crash try and make it out alive.  I know it's a nit-pick, but the film is well too stylishly lit for deep in the woods during the middle of the night.  Bright neon lights of all colours seem to light up every scene which - although looking pretty - just doesn't seem real.

But, apart from that very minor gripe, the cast do their jobs well enough.  There are some revelations as the characters try to figure up what they're up against and why they're here.  The budget is low.  I was almost about to turn the film off when I saw what was waiting for them in the woods, but the film quickly pointed out that those lurking in the shadows weren't supposed to be anything you - technically - couldn't see in real life, so I gave the film a pass.

It was entertaining enough.  The main antagonist over-acts a bit and sometimes comes across as a little 'too British' (I have no idea of the actor's ethnicity, so I have no idea whether he was putting on the accent.  It's not a bad story if you're watching it on a streaming platform - just be sure to ignore the plot holes and the ending is a little vague (but I may just have missed something). Perhaps I wasn't in the mood to be very forgiving on this one as the fact that the computer generated blood effects seemed to be the 'wrong way round' in my opinion, i.e. a pistol shot to the head completely destroys the whole human head whereas a shotgun blast to the face leaves the victim completely intact, minus some blood spatter at the rear.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Nanny's Night (2021) - It tried

'The Nanny's Night' is a film made in Spain where the actors all speak English.  It's rare that I'd start a review with that fact, but I feel it's kind of pertinent because clearly English isn't the actors' native tongue, therefore not only do the lines come across as a bit 'off' and 'stilted,' but at times I struggled to even hear what they were saying (I guess that's where subtitles really come in handy).

A young woman takes a job as a nanny for the night to an - almost teenage - girl (a premise which made me wonder as the girl is clearly old enough to look after herself, yet she requires bedtimes stories etc, making her out to be much younger than she obviously is).  During the night, blood flows.

It's marketed as a 'horror comedy' yet I'm afraid I barely picked out anything that made me smile until at least halfway through.  There are a few pop culture moments and bits where the characters appear a bit 'self referential,' but, apart from that, there aren't many laughs to speak of.  Every now and again something jarring will happen like a cartoon segment out of nowhere or some text written on the screen in comic format.

It's typically low budget, set entirely in the house for 90% of the film and there's not a lot of special effects or gore to really make it stand out.  The set itself is nice and well-lit with colourful lighting everywhere, but it feels like Spain have tried to copy Netflix's 'The Babysitter' which did the whole thing a lot better.

It's not a long film, but it does drag in places - they ever try to pad the runtime with the characters watching the - copyright free - 'Night of the Living Dead' from the late sixties (that's probably the best bit).  There are a few moments which act as 'twists,' but I felt those were unnecessary - just watch 'The Babysitter' instead - at least you'll be able to understand the characters.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

The Scrotum (2019) - Short, but not very sweet

I've seen a lot of horror films where a lot of different types of monsters chase a lot of... well, pretty similar teenagers, but I never thought I'd be watching film about a killer... er, 'male appendage' shall we say (hey, the clue is in the title!).  The closest I guess I've seen was 'The Killer Tongue' back in the nineties.

The title basically tells you everything you need to know about the film, but, if you want any more, a couple who are out camping run into some toxic waste when the man decides to shave 'down below' in the water.  This causes one of the most hard-to-watch scenes any man will ever witness when the guy on screen uses a cut-throat razor to saw off... I'll leave it up to your imagination.

However, it doesn't end there (I wish the film ended there).  Instead, the bl00dy pair of male dangling bits decide to chase and murder everyone they come into contact with.

Most of the hour-long movie is effectively one random stranger wandering through the woods before coming into contact with our titular monster and then coming off second best.  We sometimes get 'point of view' shots from the scrotum's perspective and it's something similar to 'Evil Dead' where you see that thing in the woods constantly chasing Bruce Campbell about the place.  I guess I'll never be able to watch any 'Evil Dead' movie again without wondering whether what Ash sees is actually a disembodied scrotum coming to possess him!

And that's about it.  Some stranger is killed.  Move on to the next until we're finally back with the girl who were met at the beginning of the film.  Yeah, I guess it's a novel premise and - yes - that scene with the cut-throat razor was genuinely horrific, but even for a short film like this I can't really recommend wasting an hour of your life just for one gory scene then a 'rinse and repeat' format which follows until the end.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Risen (2021) - I'd rather the human race gets wiped out by aliens than watch this again

Oh, dear, where to begin.  There's a trend in modern Hollywood films to make everything totally comic - even moments that are supposed to be serious (Marvel films, I'm looking at you).  However, if ever there was a 'yin' to that particular 'yang' it would be summed up by 'Risen' - the slowest alien invasion film I've ever witnessed.

Okay, so not every alien invasion should be action-packed like 'Independence Day.' I've seen plenty that are slower and more thoughtful - and just as enjoyable.  However, this one is just too damn sombre and serious for its own good.  The characters just walk around looking like they're going to the gallows.  I get it - it's an apocalyptic type of film and you don't want gags every other line, but this is just soooo damn serious, I can't use the word 'serious' enough.  

The film isn't short either - nearly two hours.  You can pretty much skip the entire first hour.  A meteor crashes into a small American town killing the thousand or so inhabitants.  Only the victims 'rise' soon after, meaning much of the hour is spent peering at them in hospitals through windows, then followed by people talking about what to do or what they've seen.

The 'aliens' first take the form of the 'black goo' from 'The X-files' which hasn't really had a starring role since 'Prometheus' so it's nice to see it make a come-back here, but it would have been more heartening to see it pick a better role than in this.  You get long drawn-out scenes of silence where you can effectively use your remote control to send these into 2x or 4x speed, just to get them out of the way.  Then, the 'aliens' progress into their own form of human with really cheesy blue contact lenses in and they too just stand there, staring.

I guess the film is supposed to be deep and meaningful and the ending sort of reminded me of 'Interstellar' - and I didn't really 'get' either of the endings.  Only that in 'Risen' it had some of the worst CGI explosions I've seen in a long time.

I know this is supposed to be deep, gritty and realistic - and having films like that are fine (even a nice break from the wise-cracking commercial output), but if all that means is that you're left with 'dull and boring' then I guess I'll take witty one-liners over this bore-fest.  Oh, and I love it how the film is so cheap it can't even use the 'Google' name when filming a character using a very familiar search engine!

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Stay Out Stay Alive (2019) - Could have been worse

I thought I wasn't going to like this low budget horror film - nothing new about the plot - five friends go camping in the woods of a wildlife preserve when they encounters something not particularly nice and also supernatural.

It starts off with the cliche of the teenagers stopping off at an out-of-the-way local business and encounter the quirky local who gives them pertinent information regarding what is going to be coming their way.  Of course the teens disregard the advice and the movie takes place.  The acting was pretty bad at the beginning, but weirdly it actually got a lot better as the film went on and there were even a few instances of 'backstory' with the characters.  It got me thinking: when was the last time I knew what a person in a horror film did for a living?

Some of the cast are just about likeable as characters, but one particular couple really made me question how the two of them ever got together as they're the most opposite characteristics I've ever seen on screen.

The main part of the story takes place down a mine.  One of the characters falls down and gets trapped and the other four have to rescue her.  Only, once they're down there, they find leftover gold from the goldrush days and what follows is the way potential riches can corrupt and generally tear friendships apart.

Yes, there is also a supernatural element, but I was surprised at how little this is used.  It could be because this film obviously didn't have much of a budget and any ghosties would take quite a lot of the money to bring them to life realistically.

Overall, there are worse horror films out there and this one could just be worth a watch if you've got nothing else.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Morbid (2022) - One story x4

On Halloween four - not very likeable - teenage girls get together round one of their houses and play a mysterious boardgame which brings out their worst fears.  Simply plot for a simple film.  There's really not much on offer here.

The opening was quite promising with two young boys trick or treating the girl's house - I genuinely laughed at the gag at the end of that scene.  However, that part of the film was just a throw away to the main meat of the story.

The rest is about the four girls, only one of which you really get to know anything about in terms of character and backstory.  The other three are just there to er, get scared and act bitchy I guess.

For a short film it takes a while to get going and when it does it's effectively the same film/scenes played out four times, i.e. once per protagonist, as they're individually stalked through the same house by their own personal fears.

There's not an awful lot of gore here and the most expensive 'special' effect in this low budget effort seems to be a colour-changing LED bulb that's constantly flashing over the set.

That's about it - not much to say about something that effectively repeats itself multiple times, none of which is that scary, gory, s3xy or fun - which is probably what you're hoping for in a horror movie.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Halloween at Aunt Ethel's (2014) - Trying too hard

When I first switched this film it actually seemed like it had a lot of promise.  It's a kind of slasher/horror film where an old woman (Aunt Ethel, in case you hadn't guessed) in an American town is thought to abduct and kill kids while they trick or treat on Halloween.  A reasonable enough plot for a low budget horror movie (unless you think too hard about how this woman can operate while everyone knows and no law enforcement agency has thought to look into how dozens of children disappear forever on the same night every year for decades when around the same house).

It's self-aware stylishly shot, but the script just isn't as funny as it thinks it is.  The cast aren't recognisable and they're trying their best with what they're given, but they just come across as overacting in every scene.  Maybe if the script was better you can ignore the scenery-chewing element, but while neither is strong it's actually quite hard to watch.

Plus it seems a lot longer than it actually is.  It's only about an hour and ten minutes, but you get long scenes of characters texting each other and s3x scenes which are just there because the actors clearly didn't mind (or were paid well enough!) to indulge in.

Perhaps the worst acting (and make-up!) come from 'Aunt Ethel' herself.  I get how villains can be 'larger than life' in their sadistic kills (ala Freddy, from the 'Nightmare' franchise), but she overacts more than the rest of the cast put together and she's not funny, intimidating or even horrific in appearance. 

Not much happens in the first half of the film and the humour is pretty low-brow.  If it has one high point it's the 'milf' who actually made me laugh when she was on screen.  It may be short, but it feels long.  There are a million better movies to watch on Halloween.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)