Hellraiser: Judgement (2018) - Cameo time for Pinhead

This is the second film in the 'Hellraiser' franchise that doesn't feature actor Doug Bradley as the lead antagonist, 'Pinhead.' The last one wasn't that good and felt like a story that had originally been for the series, but adapted with the evil 'Cenobites' thrown in for continuity's sake.  This one suffers from the same criticism.

It's about a trio of police officers trying to catch a serial killer.  You won't even see a Cenobite until around fifty minutes into the film.  In fact, if you turned the movie on any time before that, you may not even realise it's a horror film.  Yes, there is a new character called 'The Auditor' who is genuinely quite creepy and nicely different in horror terms to Pinhead and his look.  However, it's just not enough.

Then, when Pinhead finally shows himself, it's almost for just a few minutes at the three quarter mark and then a bit at the end.  Maybe if it was Doug Bradley behind the make-up it might have been passable, but with a lesser actor in the role, the film really doesn't stand a chance.

The first 'Hellraiser' was a classic and is normally thought of as 'the best' the franchise has to offer.  I personally enjoyed the first three, but after that I found you could take or leave what came next.  This one is definitely one I won't be revisiting.  There are a few nice practical effects towards the end, but it's nothing you haven't seen in previous instalments and it's too little to save this decidedly average entry.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

The Arena (1974) - What did I just watch?

I've never even heard of 1974's 'The Arena' and I had no idea what I was sitting down to watch.  So my mind was officially 'blown' by a film that was about as far from 2023's cinematic output as you could possibly get.  Let's just say that there wasn't a computer generated skybeam and army of faceless alien soldiers in sight.

I think it's safe to say that 'The Arena' wouldn't be made today.  Or, if it was, it would be very different.  It's set in the era of the Roman Empire where four women from across the globe were all enslaved by the Romans and taken back to Rome to work as slaves to gladiators in an arena.

I'm guessing 'politically correct' wouldn't be a phrase used to describe this movie.  It's pretty brutal in places and actually shows just how much of a 'raw deal' women - and especially enslaved women - got during the time period.  And yet it's weirdly 'progressive' when the women actually get their shot at fighting in the arena.  And, despite being laughed at to begin with, they soon get their revenge in typically grisly fashion.

I didn't recognise any of the stars, but it wasn't until I sat down to review it did I realise one of the two leads was none other than 'Jackie Brown' herself, Pam Grier.  Both she and the other (blonde) lead certainly have the physical presence to carry the film, even if certain scenes do seem a little clunky in terms of the dialogue and the fight scenes are hardly on a par with 'The Matrix.'

Yes, it's a little far-fetched and will probably never be taken seriously due to its (probably unnecessary!) nudity, but it's certainly worth a watch, simply because it's a product of a bygone cinematic age.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011) - I guess it's part of the franchise

Just in case you've never heard of the 'Hellraiser' franchise, the original was a particularly gruesome eighties horror about a band of demons known as the 'Cenobites' lead by the sinister 'Pinhead,' who can be summoned to our world via an evil puzzle box.  Most horror fans agree the first was a classic.  Personally, I really enjoyed the first three (but I may be the minority there) and watch them as a 'trilogy.' What followed were more and more sequels which tended to go further and further down into 'straight to video' and then 'straight to DVD' bins around the world.

I read online how 2011's 'Hellraiser: Revelations' wasn't even supposed to be a 'Hellraiser' film.  Instead, the film-company behind it was about to lose the rights unless the released a new entry, therefore they adapted a generic horror script and threw the Cenobites in it for good measure.  I don't know enough about the politics behind the making of this movie, but whether that's true or not, it certainly feels that way.

A couple of lads go on holiday and end up opening the puzzle box, thus releasing its demonic occupants.  Whereas previous instalments at least had the gravitas of Pinhead (played by Doug Bradley) to give some weight to the proceedings, here a different actor is playing the lead antagonist.  And it shows.

I'm also a fan of the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' and 'Friday 13th' franchises.  I know they only replaced Freddy (Robert England to Jackie Earle Hayley) the once and Jason multiple times, but all changes didn't totally tank the story.  This time, the loss of Bradley as Pinhead feels like the film was as damned as its protagonists from the start.

There's a little bit of gore which is practical effects and is suitably brutal by the franchise's standards, but apart from that and the - again - practical make-up and effects, there's little here to recommend, even for a fan of the series.  

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Snow Beast (2011) - Um, yeah, I guess it's okay

Er, yeah, what can you say about this film?  At least the title should tell you whether you'll - vaguely - like it or not.  Let's put this film in the league where it belongs, shall we?  Of course it'll never be up there with 'true' cinema classics like 'Empire Strikes Back' or 'The Godfather.' Movies like this belong in their own league where you can put them on after a hard day's work and switch off your mind.  Based on those terms, this film does the job.

A father and - miserable - daughter move to the Canadian mountains for a little while in order to study the wildlife with a couple other researchers.  Naturally, people start going missing and I'm sure no one will be shocked when I tell you the titular 'monster' is to blame.

It's a competent enough little horror film.  The first thing that pleasantly surprised me was the creature itself.  No, it's no classic, but the mask is actually quite scary - it's just a pity that the producers clearly just hired any old bloke to be inside the costume (probably the tallest actor they could find) as he doesn't really move the way a lumbering creature of the wilderness probably would.  Morel like just a bloke in a bigfoot costume.

The characters are at least memorable.  Or at least the father and daughter are - mainly because the father is actually quite nice and the daughter - starting off completely unlikable - at least has room to grow, character-wise.  There are some deaths which actually surprised me in terms of breaking cinema conventions, so that was nicely unexpected, too.

Overall, this is just one a thousand other similar monster B-movies.  Is it the worst?  No.  Is it unwatchable?  No.  It's perfectly fine for what it is.  Will you remember it in a week's time?  I saw it a couple of days ago and I've had to look it up on the internet to recall what happened.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Cheerleader Sleepover Slaughter (2022) - Not even worth being called a 'B-movie'

I'm pretty certain I'm no 'cinema snob' - most of the films in my DVD collection contain zombies or masked serial killers.  What I'm trying to say is that I don't generally look for great acting performances or deep character arcs.  As long as a film entertains me for an hour and a half then I'm happy.

A killer is 'despatching' a group of cheerleaders one by one - and that's about it.  He does it in a way that, granted may be brutal, but it's nothing you haven't seen in a hundred other 'slasher' films.  

Sadly, despite the obviously 'B-movie-esque' title, 'Cheerleader Sleepover Slaughter' is just too much of a B-movie to even be added to that 'so-bad-it's-good' category.  The acting is awful.  You can tell the 'actors' are remembering their lines as they say them.  Plus the direction is dire.  Scenes go on way too long and aren't even that relevant to the story.  And, I don't know whether it's just me, or did half the shots get filmed without the use of a tripod?

I guess it should be given props for having practical make-up effects which are realistic, although not particularly inventive.  Oh, and it has some nudity if you're into that.  I suppose the best thing I can say about it is that it's short - just slightly over an hour, so it won't waste too much of your time if you're forced to watch it.

2/10 Scuzzier than the leftover goo from a Queen alien's egg sack

Deadly Weekend (2014) - Certainly a movie of two halves

Anyone who has a passing interest in horror B-movies will watched at least one (or two hundred) films where the basis premise is... bunch of teens find themselves off the beaten path and get stalked by... and it's at this point you can insert your chosen monster and/or serial killer into the proceedings.  So, as per that logic, two couples here decide to go on a weekend away in the American countryside.

They're your typical horror stars, i.e. young, good looking and always run back into the house whenever they're supposed to be running away from it.

And they bicker.  Okay, they're technically friends and the script keeps telling us how much they like each other and how long they've been friends, but they seem to get at each other more than any group of mates I've hung around with.  The leading man is especially paranoid about his girlfriend seeing other guys - hardly a sympathetic trait for a primary antagonist.

And they bicker.  I only mention this again because the film is about ninety minutes and I was still at the halfway mark where absolutely nothing that could define this as a 'horror' film had actually happened yet.  It was all coming across as a romantic drama.  In fact, I even tried a little experiment as I lay on my sofa and closed my eyes (as it was Boxing Day and I was a bit tired!).  I just listened to them talk for a while and never really missed anything relevant because of it.

It's only in the last (just under) half where the 'threat' comes into play.  I won't spoil who or what it is, but either way the blood and guts eventually start to flow.  There's not that much in the way of gore to write home about and, when the cast members start - shall we say 'decreasing' in number - they start doing that thing where they make every dumb horror movie decision you've even rolled your eyes at.

I guess if I had to go for a negative then I'd say that the leading lady is quite attractive, but that's about it - and it's probably only really a draw for the male audience.  If you really want to watch this 'horror' film just start it at about 45 minutes in, otherwise I'm sure you'll find better.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Ice Cream Man (1995) - Who is this film for?

I've seen a lot of horror movies starring teenagers being stalked and diced by [insert your own monster/serial killer here].  However, in 'Ice Cream Man' the teens are, er, much younger - as in roughly 12-13.  This makes the whole movie come across as more of a 'Goonies-like' rip-off, only with some brutal killing thrown in for good measure.  This all gave it a generally weird feel.

So, an ice cream man is a blatant freak (and I'm amazed that no one can figure out he's a nut-job just by looking at him!) and the produce inside his van is infested with bugs and vermin.  This, in my opinion was probably the more 'horrific' part of the film.  I've eaten a lot of ice cream in my time and to think that any of it had the 'extras' in it we see here.

However, it's only the kids who realise he's a Jason Vorhees in making and take it upon themselves the prove he's even gone as far as to kidnap one of their friends.  The young actors - well... they do the job.  It's always hard to put too much pressure on young actors who haven't had much experience with carrying a major film, but they're respectable enough in their performances.

It's the ice cream man who you'll remember when the credits roll.  He looks the part of your on-screen weirdo and every other adult actor needs a nod, as they all seem to be enjoying chewing up the scenery and making every moment of screen time memorable.

If there's one thing that stood out to me (besides the titular character himself) it was the odd direction here and there.  There are some weird edits and scenes just end abruptly while others have - seemingly random - close ups of actors' mouths or something, thrown in for no real reason.

It does feel like if you took out all the gore (and the gore is nice, but nothing that special, besides being practical effects) you'd be left with a film that wasn't any more frightening than your average 'Scooby Doo' cartoon, but they seem to have turned it into a horror aimed at adults, but starring kids.  It's certainly weird, so if you're in the mood for something like this then it may just entertain you.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Teeth (2007) - Better the second time around

I watched this back when it first came out on DVD.  I'm a big fan of horror films, but I didn't really like it and yet it always stuck with me when so many monster movies have faded from my memory.  That was why I added it to my 'watchlist' on a streaming service and, when I finally got round to watching it, I found I actually really enjoyed it.

I'm guessing it's not for everyone - including my former self.  It's about a girl who gets to the 'tender' age of roughly eighteen and finally comes to the realisation that she has teeth, er, 'down below' shall we say?  That means that when she comes to - again, how should I put this? - 'getting intimate' with men, they certainly get more than they bargained for (and end up coming away with painfully LESS than they started with!).

Now, this is kind of a wild premise and, if you're hoping for some sort of explanation as to how she ended up like this, keep hoping. The best you're going to get is the repeated use of some sort of nuclear power plant in the background of the town the film takes place in.  I guess that means that radiation mutation was responsible?

Anyway, you don't really need an explanation.  Just go with it as the characters are actually pretty fun.  Oh, wait, they're not - the lead is.  She's likable, but every man she encounters... well, let's just say he deserves everything he gets.  Maybe, as a man, I didn't approve that every guy portrayed - effectively - wants to take advantage of women in the worst way possible.  But then if they didn't, the movie just wouldn't work.

I can't remember how I reacted at the more gory scenes when I watched this over fifteen years ago, but I certainly crossed my legs at certain times (I think you can probably guess) - normally the ones with prosthetic, er, 'body parts' now severed from their once proud owner.

Did you like this film when it came out?  If so, I'm now on your side.  If you didn't... do you fancy giving it another go?  I'm glad I did, even if it did take me a long time to uncross my legs once it was over.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Ravers (2018) - Zombies vs American accents

Apart from the fact that I recognised one of the actors in 'Ravers' as an Englishman I'd recently seen in another movie, I had a sneaking suspicion that one or two of the cast weren't natural born Americans.  In fact, I think most were born and bred in jolly ol' England and were doing their best impression of Yosemite Sam for ninety minutes - all the while being chased by zombie-like creatures.

Naturally, it's hard for your average British actor (and, trust me, the cast here is VERY average!) to pretend to be scared to death while fighting for their lives while putting on a convincing New York accent.  I freely admit I couldn't do it.  But nor can they.  In fact, I'd love to know the reason they didn't just set the film in Britain and be done with it.  It's constantly hinted that it's set in the States, but I have no idea why.

A journalist with a phobia of germs goes to an illegal rave to get a scoop and gets more than she bargained with when a dodgy energy drink makes half the venue turn into zombies.  Now she and a handful of others have to fight to get out (the exits are all locked - for some reason).  A pretty standard plot to a zombie B-movie, but the problem comes with the monsters themselves.  The script even points out that they're - technically - not zombies.  And they're definitely not.  These creatures can be spooked, shouted down and generally tricked into not eating or attacking people.  And - best still for our human protagonists - they can even be made to attack each other - a very handy plot-point whenever the writers needed the humans to get away safely.

As much as it has its flaws, I didn't hate the film.  It was decent enough, but there wasn't much here that I haven't seen before - and better.  I didn't really care about many of the characters and the fact they were all trying to do accents made them even harder to relate to.  If you really need another zombie fix then there's enough here for you to enjoy.  It had some nice make-up effects here and there (the burnt skinless zombie at the end was well done!), but if you're looking for a colourful mock zombie flick where people are stuck in a building, try 'Demons' from way back in 1985.  Oh, and don't get your hopes up that Natasha Henstridge is in it much.  She has about three minutes of screen time, tops.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Tales from the Lodge (2019) - Didn't know where this was going - and I was glad

I add a lot of random horror B-movies to my preferred streaming service's 'watchlist' and just plough through them without really knowing the exact story, besides it's probably got monsters or murders in it.

So I had no idea where 'Tales From the Lodge' was going.  It started our normal enough - six friends go to an out-of-the-way lodge in the countryside (guess what - no mobile phone signal!) and I sat back expecting some sort of masked maniac to show up and start offing them one by one.

And I waited.

However, what I got was the characters telling stories from their own lives, some of which were true, others they freely admitted were complete fabrications.  Now, I might have got bored with this, but the cast sold it for me.  There are a couple of really good British comedy actors among the cast (McKensie Crook and Johnny Vegas always hold special places in my heart) and I got the impression that the whole group could well be friends in real life.  There was plenty of banter between them and it gave off a nice realistic impression.

The dialogue was actually witty without being forced and sounding scripted (I wondered whether Johnny Vegas adlibbed some of his lines!) and there were nice little gags - like the spider and the collapsing bed which really did make me laugh out loud.  Also, you get the impression that the film-makers never quite take the film seriously and they add a couple of moments which poke fun at the genre's cliches.

So, just because I didn't know where the story was going for about the first two thirds, I stuck with it because I was enjoying myself.  Then comes the final third which does tie it all together and - maybe I'm just dumb - but I didn't see it coming.  There is a bit more stabbing and more traditional horror tropes, but they're still fun - and pretty dark.  So, if you do find this on streaming and you fancy quite a witty British black comedy horror, this one is pretty good.  I'd definitely watch it again sometime.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies - Needed more lederhosens

I read online that the film-makers behind 'Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies' were fans of the genre classic 'Shaun of the Dead.' Yes, I can see the influence, but they say 'imitation is a form of flattery' so I'll let it slide, as 'Lederhosens' is actually quite good fun.

It's not a long film and gets going pretty quickly.  I'll gloss over how exactly the undead rise as who cares?  The dead rise on a snowy Austrian mountain and those unfortunate enough to be stuck in a local bar have to fight for their lives.

In true 'Cornetto' style, this film doesn't take itself too seriously and there are plenty of one-liners in there, plus kind of meta quips about the whole 'zombie genre' in general.  You can tell everyone was enjoying themselves while making the film and it shows through.  Plus there's loads of 'proper' gore.  And, when I say 'proper' I mean practical effects over excessive computer usage.  The 'zombie kills' are - on the whole - pretty inventive and enjoyable to watch (if totally over-the-top, but then that's half the fun, isn't it?).

I guess the only 'negative' I found was in 'character motivation.' I don't expect much in terms of 'characters' when I'm watching a low budget horror B-movie, but I just felt that one minute a character could be slicing through zombies like they were butter, only to fall over and be totally overwhelmed by a single ghoul in the very next scene.  The reason?  Because the plot demanded it to happen.  This kind of left a bit of inconsistency in the action where the cast were as clever or as dumb as the script needed them to be at that moment in time.

There's nothing much here that you haven't seen before, so I don't know how 'long-lasting' this film's legacy will be, but, if you're a fan of 'comedy-horror' zombie films then you should enjoy it.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Peelers (2016) - Fun, but forgettable

As someone into zombie movies since the eighties, I pride myself on watching pretty much anything with a shuffling, groaning corpse or two.  So, since the 'zombie renaissance' of the early 2000s I swear I've already seen a movie about 'stripper vs zombies' (or was it werewolves?  Or both?  I don't know).  So I was surprised to see - another - film about that.

So, er, yeah, a zombie outbreak comes along in a strip bar and the patrons (and dancers, of course) have to fend them off).  Now, you may think - unless the strip bar is the size of a stadium - your average bar is quite easy to get out of, assuming you can avoid anyone trying to take a bite out of you.  And yet the cast seem to have trouble, but then if they escaped in the opening five minutes the film would be considerably shorter!

The characters are, for a better word, passable.  Most are just one dimensional stereotypes, but the film is self-knowing enough not to try and play everything totally straight, so there are some wry quips here and there which add to the film's overall charm.

I don't know why, but this film just seemed to be like a discount version of 'From Dusk Till Dawn' - only with zombies instead of vampires, obviously.  As it seemed to hit all the same story beats - with the possible exception of the ending, which I won't spoil (but it was 'darker' than I expected, based on the film's overall tone!).

It's a nice enough film.  Clearly those who put it together had a love of the genre and it shows through.  Although there's not much here that you haven't seen before, there are some nice pop culture/genre references for the die-hard fans to pick up on, plus there's a heavy emphasis on 'practical effects' over CGI, which - again - adds to the charm.

There have been so many zombie movies over the last twenty years that I'm not sure this one will rise above most of them, but if you're in the mood for something lightweight and simple fun, this would might entertain for a gory hour and a half.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Curse of Humpty Dumpty (2021) - Why did I actually like this?

I'm going to come out with and say that 'The Curse of Humpty Dumpty' is a bad movie.  And, to 'prove' that opening gambit, I'm going to go over all the - many - flaws this film has.  So, why the hell did I actually like it?  Anyway... the bad.

It's about a creepy doll - nothing new in horror terms, but in other (more famous) cases (such as 'Child's Play), part of the 'believability' of the story is that a doll is something cute, if it's a child's toy, or at least presentable - if it's more an adult's display piece.  However, this 'Humpty' doll is so damn ugly it's difficult to believe someone would buy it and have it on display.

Secondly, it's too big.  Whereas Chucky from 'Child's Play' was simply a big toy - and there's mainly animatronics were used to bring him to life for the screen, when Humpty starts piling up the bodies, you can see it's just a bloke in a - bad - costume.

Then there's the cast.  Some of them are okay, but don't expect any Oscar-worthy performances here.  I first noticed a couple of the secondary characters were pretty awful in terms of acting (gardener and shop-keeper being the prime examples and the police woman who has one scene must have been a sixth former asked to read a few lines), but then I realised that one of the main characters was also not great when she delivered her lines.

And the cast is small.  Not a negative on its own, but when you're - effectively - making a 'slasher' movies, you need a decent amount of victims.  Not here.  There isn't much killing until the end and you'll know who the first one to go will be.

And finally there's the believability in some scenes.  I can suspend my disbelief and go for a doll who can kill people when it comes alive through supernatural forces, but if he kills someone and you can see blood all over the room.  Then when another character comes in and discovers it he's cleaned it all up so she's not believed.

So why the hell did I like it?  I really did.  I know it's no classic, but it held my attention all the way through and I actually quite liked the ending.  Maybe it was the - semi - main character who's a middle-aged woman who's suffering from dementia.  She was quite a sympathetic character and played it well enough to be believed.  I can't really recommend this film as its faults were too glaring to overlook.  Yet I enjoyed it, so maybe there's a market for it out there after all. 

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Dark Side of the Moon (1990) - Discount Event Horizon

Seeing as 'Dark Side of the Moon' came out a whopping seven years before the other sci-fi horror cult classic 'Event Horizon' I can hardly accuse the former of copying the latter!  Perhaps it was the other way around?  Maybe the makers of 'Event Horizon' decided they liked what they saw and made it better?  Either way... we're left with a rag-tag crew of a deep space vessel coming across - technically - a possessed spaceship adrift in space.

Whether 'Dark Side of the Moon' got their before 'Event Horizon' is one thing - it's still eleven years AFTER the other horror space classic 'Alien' came out - and the similarities are all there.  Again, we have the crew of 'space truckers' coming across something bad while on a routine mission.  One of them is the computer itself in female form.  You have an 'android-acting' crewmember, the sets, the jumpsuits and the countdown near the end.

Yet, this isn't 'Alien' - it has enough to be different, but not necessarily enough to be anywhere near the same league.  It has a pretty 'cheap' feel, every set looking just like the corner of whatever studio it was filmed in.  Whereas 'Alien' looked like a real spaceship, this one has 'made-for-TV' written all over it.

It's definitely a B-movie, but this could work better if it knew its limitations, yet it tries to actually be scary and, despite a few tense moments, when the 'horror' (or should I say 'antagonist?') finally shows itself, it's laughably cheesy (effects-wise) and even worse 'cliched villain' dialogue.

Despite the film's many flaws, I couldn't quite bring myself to hate it.  It's actually not that bad.  It's no classic and you definitely have to be in a forgiving mood to spend an hour and a half with a 'discount Kevin Bacon' lookalike and props for the final ending - I actually quite liked that.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Black Christmas - Probably better in its day

For someone who's watched as many 'slasher' films in my time (and enjoyed many a 'gore-fest' along the way!) it's taken me until 2023 to watch 'Black Christmas,' which. if the internet trivia is to be believed, is up there with horror classics like 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and 'Halloween' - in bringing the 'slasher' genre to the mainstream.

It's about a killer, stalking residents of a sorority house one Christmas and, er, that's about it.  It's pretty simple in terms of story, but then most slasher films tend to be that way.  I hear that much the major gore was cut in order to get it released - and it shows.

I would imagine that almost everything contained within this film would be considered 'shocking' and 'revolutionary' in terms of on-screen scares, whereas today, it's just kind of tame.

As I say, there's not much gore.  And there's not much that you haven't seen in a hundred similar movies.  I suppose there's something to be got out of the story in trying to guess who the killer is (I confess, I never managed to see how it would eventually end).  

The characters are likable enough - those who are meant to be.  And there are a few 'red herrings' thrown in there for good measure.  The police were suitably useless in their efforts in catching the killer, but then if they were competent the film's runtime would be about ten minutes.

'Black Christmas' is worth a watch if you like competent slasher films - there's nothing here that's bad, but, after over forty years, there's nothing here that new either.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Kill, Granny, Kill (2014) - Jason or Michael Myers' Mom?

I've seen plenty of 'slasher' films in my time, stretching from the seventies, right up until present day - they truly can be described as 'the good, the bad' and the 'truly mediocre.' However, I always have a soft spot when a movie calls itself by something so obvious, that you can't really hate it and, if you do, it's probably your fault for not using the title as a warning sign that it's not to your taste.

Guess what 'Kill, Granny, Kill' is about?  If you said anything other than 'a killer grandma,' then you should probably not be watching films and concentrate on books with lift-up flaps in them.

Yes, a Granny is out to kill all those she feels are 'degenerates' and have strayed away from her generations' lifestyle.  Kind of harsh, but despite me not being quite as old as her, I have to confess to feeling a similar sentiment every time I see my daughter using a certain Chinese social media app that everyone under the age of 21 seems to be addicted to.

So, that's about it - nice old lady on the outside - ruthless murderess on the inside.  Oh, and she has an interesting way of disposing of the bodies.  Makes me wonder what my own grandparents served me up whenever my mum and dad took me round to visit them at Christmas.

Perhaps the biggest selling point of this film is its length.  It's very short, clocking in at just over an hour.  It knows what it is.  It knows it's silly and has a bit of a daft premise.  And, because there's only so much you can do with a small idea, the film doesn't need to be overly long.  And it isn't.  So, even if you do hate it, it won't waste that much of your time.  As for me... I thought it was quite good, silly fun for what it was.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Deinfluencer (2022) - Nice idea

'Deinfluencer' is one of those 'straight to DVD' films that used to exist back in the days of 'physical media,' only now it's probably more fitting to say 'straight to streaming service.' It's cheap, but whereas that could be considered an insult to some movies, this is 'cheap' simply in terms of it being set in one single place, almost as if it's a stage play that's been adapted for moving pictures.

A masked man kidnaps a social media 'influencer' in an attempt at making her see what - he believes - is the true 'reality' of her lifestyle/profession.

It's heavy on social commentary and is pretty blunt in terms of its 'politics' and perhaps your enjoyment of the overall film will be based on how much you agree with today's obsession of documenting your whole life online for the world to see.

As I say, it's all set in one place, i.e. the secluded place where the hostage is kept.  Therefore, you basically know that neither the victim, nor the kidnapper are going to be killed in the opening ten minutes, so you have to wait the full hour and a half before finding out either of their true fates.

Now, both leads perform well, but maybe the main criticism is the film's length.  Despite the engaging performances the film does go on a bit too long.  About halfway through you're probably going to 'get' all the points being made, so anything else that follows does feel like they're really going overboard with their hatred of social media and the like.

However, I did enjoy the performances and the social commentary made a change.  There are a couple of things within the story that you might not see coming, but even me - who doesn't often pick up on 'twists - actually guessed a couple of things that were to come.  Overall, not a bad hour and a half if you find it on a streaming service.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Office Uprising (2018) - Didn't know what it wanted to be

About twenty years ago a small independent comedy called 'Office Space' was released.  You may not have heard of it, but - trust me - it was smart, funny, well-acted and even touching with its characters going through actual 'arcs.' But, more than that, it really summed up something that many of us have experienced in life - working in a big, soulless office.

Then, a couple of years later, 'Shaun of the Dead' came along and brought the 'comedy-zombie' genre to new heights. 'Office Uprising' is basically someone taking the two films and smashing them together - not the worst premise for a horror/comedy B-movie, but sadly the writing talent isn't strong enough to make this one even come close to what it seemed to be based on. 

Most of the characters are just cliches.  Some of the more sympathetic protagonists are okay, but anyone who you're meant to hate - you'll hate.  They're just too damn nasty to be believable as real colleagues you have to spend your life 9-5 with every day.  I've worked in similar big offices and, despite coming across some real nasty pieces of work, most hostility was done behind people's backs, not coming directly up to someone and being absolutely racist to their face!  It was just too on the nose.

The it came to the zombies.  And, my question was, are they actually the undead?  I know '28 Days Later' went to great lengths to point out that the monsters were 'infected' rather than reanimated corpses, but here they're everything from zombies to normal people.  The problem was that, sometimes they're those 'sprinting' type zombies ('Dawn of the Dead' 2004 and '28 Days Later'), sometimes they're slow and shuffling like the Romero style of 'The Walking Dead.' Other times you can actually talk to them and reason with them, making them more akin to 'The Crazies' in Romero's other - lesser-known - horror classic.  The trouble with this is that the monsters effectively take on whatever characteristics they need to in a scene, simply just to allow the heroes the chance to survive (again).  Sometimes you can even scream in the zombies' collective faces which - apparently - freaks them out and forces them to perform a retreat!

There's some gore in there, but not that much.  The end seems to have more of a budget what with the giant mech suit, but when that comes into play the film - again - switches genre to more of an over-the-top action film.  So we've come from real-life office satire, to comedy zombie film and now action blastathon.

This film really does suffer from an identity crisis.  Some of it's parts aren't actually and it's definitely not terrible, but if you're looking for an office-based comedy with zombies, I'd probably watch 'Office Space' and 'Shaun of the Dead' back to back.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Gatlopp (2022) - Just felt like it was missing something

Sometimes you come across a film that you just can't place.  After watching 'Gatlopp' I honestly don't really know whether I liked it or not.  I managed to make it until the end (quite a lot of what I find on streaming services get turned off half way through!) so at least it held my attention for an hour and a half.

It's about four friends getting together to generally chat about old times, when one of them suggests they play a mysterious board game.  Naturally, there's more to it than your average game of Monopoly and soon supernatural shenanigans start to take over the night.

Each of the four characters has to work through their individual 'demons' in order to 'win' their part of the game.  It's supposed to be a 'comedy,' but I couldn't really find an awful lot of laughs contained within - it was more a supernatural character-based drama, but at least the four leads all had their time to take centre stage.  At first they seemed like the types who would never really be long-term friends, but, as the film progressed, they actually developed more chemistry and you could probably see them hanging out back in the day.

It's got enough nice touches in it to make it worth your while if you find it part of your own streaming package, but it's not the sort of film you'd probably feel is worth paying full price for a cinema ticket.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Get Duked! (2019) aka 'Boyz in the Wood' - Could have been much better

I've seen plenty of cheesy, low-budget horror B-movies where a group of teenagers get lost in some form of wilderness and then stalked by... insert movie monster/bad-guy of your choice.  Most are pretty good fun for what they are, so when I saw the plot for 'Get Duked!' going along the lines of 'four boys are taken to the Scottish Highlands, only to be chased down by a hunter' I figured I'd give it a go, especially as it was billed a (at least part) 'comedy' and featured Eddie Izzard.  How bad can it be?

Okay, it's not awful.  I stuck with it until the end.  There's not much more to the story than the brief synopsis I've already written; the problem - I guess with me - is that I simply didn't find it that funny.

One of my favourite TV shows of all time is the British sitcom 'The Inbetweeners' which is effectively the lives of four teenage boys.  I know 'The Inbetweeners' didn't have the horror angle, but one of its many strengths was the chemistry and witty dialogue between the leads. 'Get Duked!' just didn't have this.  Maybe it's just me and the humour wasn't to my taste, but I basically didn't laugh once.

Okay, I did actually laugh once - it was towards the very end of the film where a joke that was set up much earlier in the film literally falls out of the sky to come full circle on itself.  But that was about it in terms of me and laughs.  There was a sub-plot with the local police officers which was possibly funnier than the main story surrounding the four boys, but that was naturally just a background element.

Eddie Izzard isn't in it much and doesn't really get the screen time he could probably use to bring some much more surreal and genuine humour to the proceedings.  Like I say, it's not awful.  Some people will probably like it and there's definitely worse out there.  The plot kind of reminded me of another British horror film called 'Inbred,' only that one leant into the 'gore factor' and, although it did have black comedy involved, seemed to know what it was more than this one did.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Black Friday (2021) - Not perfect, but different enough to be enjoyable

As soon as I saw Bruce 'Evil Dead' Campbell in the trailer I was sold.  I saw what looked like zombies next and knew I had to watch this.  Okay, so the overall premise of the film is hardly anything new.  In 1979 the undead took over their first shopping mall in 'Dawn of the Dead' and here they basically do the same, only it's one large store (that might as well have been a mall).  The survivors then have to hold up until they can figure out a plan to escape.

Bruce's name wasn't high up on the opening cast list, so I had a - horrible - feeling that he wouldn't be in it that much.  Luckily, I was wrong, as he was in it pretty much all the way through.  If you're thinking that it's going to play out like Evil Dead's 'Ash Williams' fighting the zombies then you may be let down, as Campbell doesn't play to his 'Ash-like' strengths.

Talking of strengths, you have the gore.  It's pretty nice, and not too much computer-generated stuff is required, as is the banter between colleagues which makes them pretty likeable.  Or unlikeable, but then you're supposed to hate some of them and hope for a gruesome death for them.

Although there are some clunky lines - even for Bruce Campbell and I got the feeling a better writer could have utilised his natural on-screen charm and given him sharper dialogue.  And some of the actors deliver their lines a little bit stiltedly.

Now, this is all starting to sound as maybe there are more negatives the positives.  But I'm pleased to say that there were plenty of instances in the story were the writers successfully subvert your expectations and something that you think is 'obviously going to happen' goes completely in the opposite direction.  You also have some nice social commentary which will relate with anyone who has worked (or should I say suffered?) in retail - like myself.

There are some moments that really did make me laugh out loud and, although this may not be remembered quite so fondly as other black comedy classics of the genre (ala 'Shaun of the Dead' and the like) don't dismiss it totally as I really enjoyed it and would definitely watch it again - but only in a few years when I've forgotten most of it.

Oh, and was it just me, but did anyone else find 'Dower Dennis' the funniest 'character' of the cast?  I now want a 'Dower Dennis' for Christmas,

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Clownado (2019) - A pie in the face is funnier

I knew I was in trouble from the beginning.  I know it's not really cool to rag on an actress for their looks, but in the opening scene a lady keeps being referred to using terms like 'femme fatale' as if she's the most attractive actress ever.  And, er, sorry I don't mean to be cruel, but she's not.  And it just felt weird that every guy seems to be fighting for her hand, so to speak.

But, my own biases aside, I think it's pretty fair to say that the acting is horrible.  The lead villain is the worst and he's clearly overacting and chewing on every piece of scenery available and he's actually quite hard to watch.  Maybe he saw other horror icons like Freddy Kruger who were 'larger than life' and tried to copy their style - only failing.

Then there are the sets.  If you could even call them that.  The camera tends to zoom in so close on an actor merely to disguise that the set is literally only a few metres wide.  This is really evident when the story requires a large open place to be, like a circus big top.  The camera tends to only focus on audience members' faces to disguise how few extras they could afford.

And if you're hoping for gore - there isn't much.  Any blood looks weirdly lighter than it should be and quite watery.  Someone else online wondered whether the film-makers used 'jam' and I have to say it did look like jam mixed with water.

I know 'Sharknado' was a dumb film about sharks getting caught up in a tornado and it was actually good fun if you were in the mood for a 'so-bad-its-good' type of movie, but this one is just bad, so don't be tempted by the title and find something better.  It's not hard.

3/10 Jabba the Hutt wipes himself down with this film

Slashlorette Party (2020) - Not much happens

Congratulations to the film-makers for taking the name of a horror genre and turning it into a pun.  Sadly, that's about the high-point of the creativity.

Now, baring in mind that the term 'slasher' is basically in the title, you're probably expecting a lot of killing.  There is some, but - wow - do they make you wait for it.  There's a large cast, but no one actually dies until quite a way into the movie.  Secondly, you may be thinking that a film marketing itself on gory murder you may also think they the producers would have taken their time coming up with some totally outlandish and intricate kills.  They don't.  Sorry if this is a 'spoiler,' but people get stabbed - mainly in the head, but occasionally in the stomach.

As I mentioned the cast is quite large for a slasher film.  Most of them are in no way developed and only get one or two real moments centre stage (and probably one of those is them receiving an axe to the forehead), but there are a couple who stand out - like the best friend who is probably the most likable of all of them.

I stuck with the film until the end, but largely because I wanted to know the hows and whys of why all of this had been happening.  There is an explanation, but I have to say I was left a bit confused.  Then I felt silly because the movie is hardly clever, so maybe I lost a couple of IQ points while I watched it.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Deathstalker II (1987) - So bad it's absolutely awesome!

First of all, let me say that I'm a big fan of 'so-bad-they're-good' movies - especially ones from the eighties, so when I praise 'Deathstalker II' I'm not saying that it's a film up there with 'The Godfather' and 'Empire Strikes Back' - no, compared to them it doesn't even qualify, but in terms of bad movies, this one could well be 'The Godfather!'

I kind of knew I was going to enjoy it right from the start - the badly-choreographed fight scenes, the over-the-top noise overlaid whenever a 'punch' was delivered to a bad-guy in a cheap-looking costume.  However, as the story progressed, I actually decided that it had more merit than I'd first given it credit for.  It's actually quite a clever little film.

Online, I see that it's described as a 'parody' of the 'sword and sorcery' genre, spoofing films like 'Conan' (of which they even make a cheeky reference to).  But I wouldn't call it a 'parody.' It's more like a tongue-in-cheek fantasy epic.  Yes, it knows what it is and NEVER takes itself seriously.  And, because of that, it's even more enjoyable than a film that tries to be good, but fails miserably and is just there to get laughed at.

The dialogue is actually well-written and witty.  Yes, some of the actors will never win Oscars and the lines are pretty cheesy, but they're intentionally funny, so if you're in the mood for a swashbuckling laugh then this one will fit the bill.  It has old-style bar fights which wouldn't look out of place in an old Western movie (minus the pig monster eating at a table) and even has a few nicely-framed shots - especially in the horseback chase scenes.  The lead antagonists seem to delight in chewing up the scenery and are deliciously camp, in comparison to our protagonists who are charming with their silliness - even often pausing to make fun of the titular character's over-the-top name 'Deathstalker.'

If you know what you're getting and are in the right kind of mood for a 'Conan-comedy' then give this one a go.  I just can't believe it's taken me so long to watch it - now I just need to track down 'part 1' - hopefully it's as entertaining.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that