The Brain (1988) - Probably better than Shakespeare 

I confess - I haven't read anything by the - arguably - greatest writer who's ever lived since I was at school nearly forty years ago, so the title may be a slight exaggeration.  All I know is that I was bored senseless reading about Romeo and Juliet whereas I was thoroughly entertained by possibly one of the most stupid films I've ever seen.

A giant monstrous brain (with a scary face!) is using the signal from a local television show in order to take over the world.  Or something.  Only one local teenage tearaway seems potentially unaffected by the hideous organ's superpowers and can therefore save the human race.

Did I mention this movie is daft?  It is.  In fact it's got to be one of the greatest films in its league.  And by that I don't mean it's a classic of narrative storytelling and should be remembered in the same lines as 'The Godfather.' No, 'The Brain' is in a totally different league of films that are just so bad they're good.  Only this one is probably more so stupid it's good.

The acting is questionable, the plot relies on major coincidences and lacks of logic to move it along and the characters are totally dumb whenever the story requires them to be.  Although, genuine kudos to the film-makers for making the 'brain' itself actually quite cool - or rather disgusting, which I guess is the same thing when you're making a horror film.

So, if you're looking for something completely dumb which you just want to rest your brain to while you laugh at, put 'The Brain' on.  Although please don't hold me responsible for any lack of brain cells lost to your own grey matter in the hour and a half runtime it lasts.  My own brain wasn't up to much to begin with.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Greenland (2020) - Armageddon it is not

I probably shouldn't have watched this film so close to 'Armageddon' - a classic 'dumb-fun' B-movie from the nineties. 'Greenland' is a modern take on a comet about to crash into the Earth, potentially wiping out the entire human race - and this time Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck weren't on hand to help out.

This time it's much more of a personal tale.  It's ultimately about a family coming together and trying to cross America (and later the world!) in order to reach a safe bunker in (you guessed it) Greenland.  Gerard Butler plays a father who's separated from his wife and son, but, during the story, he needs to reconnect with his family as well as ensuring their safety.

Thinking about it... it's almost like to 'disaster movies' what Tom Cruise's 'War of the Worlds' take was to 'alien invasion' movies.  It's a film where you could rely on big budget special effects and set pieces, or you could use the situation simply as a backdrop to the life of one particular set of people and how they act during the carnage.

So, whether you'll enjoy it kind of depends on what you're looking for.  If you're hoping for something really spectacular with loads of special effects and visual destruction (not to mention cheesy over-the-top action) then I'd definitely recommend 'Armageddon.' However, if you're looking for more of a drama then this is worth giving a go.  There are a few moments of destruction (albeit some that are blatantly low-budget computer-generated) and even one that actually stood out as quite dramatic, but it's more of a drama than all out popcorn epic.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Barbarian (2022) - Delightfully twisty

I'm pretty sure every review of 2022's 'Barbarian' mentions 'Psycho,' so I'll get the comparisons out the way early.  It's a horror film that effectively has one long portion of the film (the first act, basically) specifically following certain characters, only for what seems like a completely different story to kick off midway through, giving most people a sense of confusion at how what they've just witnessed is related to what's happening right now.

In the classic 'Psycho' the trick was pulled by having the 'star' get murdered halfway through, bringing us - the audience - to the realisation that, actually, she wasn't the star and the new people we're going to follow through the final half is in fact the ultimate protagonist.

In 'Barbarian' - which I read online is a very loose anagram of the word 'air B and B' - two strangers find, by a 'coincidence' that they've accidentally been booked into the same property at the same time.  Seeing as they both appear to be decent folk, they decide to spend the night there and sort it out with the owners in the morning.  Only the house has a few secrets of its own.

I thoroughly enjoyed the film, largely because it was a rare occasion where I genuinely didn't know where it was going.  Most 'run-of-the-mill' slasher films follow a set pattern of genre cliches and you know who out of the main cast will be the 'final girl.' However, here you really didn't know what the deal was when it came to the threat and how it came to be and, what's more, how is going to make it out alive - if any!

I don't know whether 'Barbarian' will remain up there with the best horror films as the years go by and cement itself as a long-standing classic.  It's pretty gruesome in place and I don't just mean in term of (practical - no computer-generated, thank goodness) gore, but also some genuinely sick imagery and things the protagonists have to do to survive.  But, if you're looking for something that's actually gone to the effort of trying to be different in terms of the scares it gives you, this is definitely above most of today's horror offerings.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

The Northman (2022) - Brutal and brilliant

Wow, I really didn't know what I was in for when I sat down to watch this.  I'll confess... I didn't know much about 'The Northman' and kind of figured it was a bit of a 'sword and sorcery' tale.  It isn't.  Or is it?

It's about a young Viking prince who's father is murdered by his jealous uncle who then goes on to enslave his mother and take his father's kingdom.  So, as spurned princes need to do, he has to grow up, get totally pumped up and go on a 'Kill Bill-esque' rampage of revenge.

The thing you need to know about this is just how brutal it is.  You may have seen 'Game of Thrones' and thought... yeah, that was pretty dark, I think I can guess what 'The Northman' is going to be like.  You're probably wrong. 'The Northman' is ten times more bloodthirsty.

And it's long.  It's over two hours, but it doesn't drag.  It's not just the acting that's great here, but also the scenery and direction that makes it epic.  I understand from what I've read online that the film-makers tried to make the look and feel as accurate as possible with costumes etc, but - at the same time - it does kind of play into the supernatural - just a little.

You need to know what you're in for if you choose to watch this and, despite how you'll probably root for the hero and his cause etc, there's not really any - truly - good people during this time period, as the film just tries to depict how savage the world was back then.

If you have a strong stomach and want to see the way - some of us - lived back then, this one is really awesome.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Plane (2023) - Bulletproof aviation

A YouTube film reviewer who I normally trust described 2023's 'Plane' as a nineties-style action film in the modern era and generally sung its praise.  So, seeing as movies of that genre are a real nostalgic favourite of mine, I figured I'd give this one a go.

I can see where the reviewer was coming from.  It's a pretty simply plot - passenger plane pilot (Gerard Butler) crashes his jumbo jet on a remote island, whose only real population seems to be terrorists.  Naturally, the passengers are taken hostage and it's up to Butler and another passenger (Mike Colter) to get them out alive.

Yeah, it's fun.  But - and maybe this is just my biased, nostalgic view - those action films of the nineties (i.e. 'The Rock' and 'Speed' etc) seemed to get going right from the beginning and never take their foot off the brake until the credits rolled.  With 'Plane' you can pretty much scroll through your favourite social media site on your phone while the first half of the story plays out.  Really not much happens.  Of course the action really gets going in the second half, but you can effectively skip everything until the passengers are actually taken hostage.

The villains are pretty much cookie-cutter stereotypes - simply 'evil dudes' being evil.  One even started to make me laugh because every time he was on screen he scowled to such a degree he might as been wearing an 'angry mask.' The other - minor - gripe was during the end.  As I elude to in this review's title, the plane is kind of 'bulletproof.' I don't know anything about planes or how they work, but I'm pretty sure you can't really fly with an entire army's bullets slugged into your windshield, but - hey - never mind.

There's nothing majorly new about 'Plane,' but if you can find it for cheap (or on streaming service) and you generally like all-out action then it's definitely worth a go - especially for the gunfight at the very end and an awesome 'sniper-style' rifle that generally makes mincemeat of the bad-guys.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Totally Killer (2023) - The good outways the bad

The thing with time travel movies is that they rarely make sense.  If you're so inclined, you can tear apart even the biggest classics from the genre, such as 'The Terminator' and 'Back to the Future.' Yes, time travel isn't real and therefore doesn't have any official 'rules' so it's up to you to decide what makes sense.  And, as 'Totally Killer' shamelessly admits to, it's basically 'Back to the Future' (but with serial killers).  And, what's more it doesn't make sense in terms of physics.

So, you can either hate it for it's lack of scientific inaccuracies, or you can simply enjoy it for being a fun ride which satires everything from social attitudes from the present day compared to the eighties, to horror/slasher films in general. I chose the latter.  And I enjoyed it a lot.

Let's just ignore the 'time travel mechanics' itself.  You don't need to know how she does it, but our young protagonist somehow finds herself taken from her 'safespace' of 2023 all the way back in time to the 'hedonistic' eighties.  There, she finds that a serial killer is still on the loose and that she now has the power to stop him - and potentially mess up her parents ever getting together, thus erasing her entire existence.  Did I mention it was like 'Back to the Future?' I think I did.  The film also isn't ashamed to admit that it's effectively using the same template, but adding a 'slasher' element to the story.

So, what you're left with is a 'meta' slasher film where the protagonist has all the knowledge of thirty years ahead of where she finds herself, combined with knowing how these types of films normally play out.  Therefore a lot of the gags come in the form of the juxtaposition of the eighties vs present day and real life vs how people act in horror films.

Out of all the run-of-the-mill horror films you'll find on streaming services this one is that rare type where you might actually remember something about it after the credits have rolled.  Like I say, it isn't perfect, but it's as enjoyable as you'll let it be.  If you recall how the eighties were (like me - I'm old) and you know all the conventions of a slasher film then you'll definitely get more out of it than most.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Boss Level (2020) - So much fun

I'm about to get rid of my Amazon Prime account, so I decided I better watch some of the films that have been languishing on my watchlist for some time.  I'm so glad I watched this one before I lose access.

Yes, it's another take on the tried and tested 'Groundhog Day' formula, so if you have a problem with other movies that copy the 'repeated day' style of film-making, then you might not enjoy this.  However, I've never had a problem with them and I definitely love some old 'nineties style' over-the-top action.

In fact, while we're on the subject of the nineties, if you believe what's written about this film online you'll see that the script has been kicking around Hollywood since the nineties and it's only just made its way onto the screen.  I can actually see that being true as it's so over-the-top in its action that it's right up there with similar classics of the genre, like 'Con Air, Speed' and 'The Rock.'

Here, a special forces agent repeatedly wakes up on the same day where he finds a whole army of assassins trying - and succeeding - to kill him.  He's murdered - in variously grisly ways - again and again and has to go on reliving the day until he can figure out what's going on - and obviously find a way of not just reversing this bizarre situation, but also rekindling his relationship with his estranged girlfriend and son.

Yeah, you'll probably see a lot of what coming, coming - if you know what I mean.  I'm not sure how many times I can use the phrase 'over-the-top' in this review, but it's what really should be rubberstamped on this one.  Have you seen any of those old Jason Statham films like 'The Transporter' or 'Crank?' Well 'Boss Level' is kind of set in that universe, if that's any help.

Don't expect a masterpiece, just enjoy having fun.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Dug up (2013) - Why bother?

I know this film was made in 2013 and 'Shaun of the Dead' was in 2004, but either way, both movies were released during the 'renaissance' of the zombie era.  The difference is that 'Shaun of the Dead' was one of the first flicks (of the time) to mix zombie-horror and comedy and it was funny, endearing and well-written.  Jump forward nearly a decade and 'Dug Up' in also a comedy-horror film set during an undead uprising.  And it's not that bad.  It's just not that good, either.

If we say - speaking generally - that 2002's 'Resident Evil' (movie) started the modern obsession with zombies, then now - over twenty years later - we've seen almost every different type of take on the subject matter.  If you want a 'straight' zombie-horror, then you have everything from Romero's films, to 'The Walking Dead' TV series, or '28 Days Later.' Whereas, if you're looking for something similar, but more light-hearted then you'd - most likely - choose 'Shaun of the Dead.' And, let's pretend that 'Shaun' didn't exist and you asked me - now, in 2024 - to name my 'Top 20 zombie comedy films' I could probably do that and give you a load of movies you probably haven't heard of, but all have laughs at the expense of some shuffling ghouls.

And that's where the problem lies.  Even if I had to list twenty zombie-comedies, 'Dug Up' still wouldn't be included.  You'll notice I'm not really telling you much about the plot.  That's because there isn't one.  It's merely one of many similar films which tries to be funny and original, but just can't really offer anything that you haven't seen before.

There's some brief nudity in the opening act, if that's any incentive for you to watch it.  But I found it on a streaming service and happened to pause it to go to the kitchen.  I figured it must be about halfway (forty-five minutes) through and was amazed when I saw I was only twenty minutes in.

Like I say, it's not terrible.  If you really want to watch about 'Number Thirty' in the top hundred list of best zombie-comedy films then this is it.  Otherwise, simply stick to 'Shaun' - chances are you already own a copy in your DVD collection.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

The Furies (2019) - Those dastardly ol' men

Men, don't you just hate them?  All they do all day is kidnap helpless women then hunt them for sport and brutally murder them.  Well... it seems on whatever planet 'The Furies' is set they do.  And, judging by the accents of the poor helpless females, constantly on the run from the variety of masked axe-wielding psychopaths, the 'planet' is called 'Australia' (even though I spent several months backpacking there about twenty years ago and never killed anyone while I was there - guess it must have changed a lot since 2002).

You could probably say that this film really doesn't like men much and portrays them in a negative light.  Then came 2023's 'Barbie: The Movie,' which took that to a whole new level, so no matter how badly men men come across in 'The Furies,' they're still head and shoulders over a 'Ken' or two.

I could continue to stay on my soap box, banging on about how much the film bashed men and portrayed them in a negative light.  Or I could just shut up and enjoy the film.  I chose the latter.  All political messages aside - no matter how 'in your face' they may be - it's just a cheesy horror film and you can turn it off any time you like.  I didn't.  Because it was actually quite good fun.

When I sit down to a horror film I don't ask for much.  I know I'm probably not going to get deep character arcs and amazing performances, but I do want to be entertained.  And this entertained me.  It's got some nice practical gore which is pretty nasty.  I know that a lot of people have likened this movie to things like 'The Hunger Games' and other stories which centre around hunting innocent people for 'sport.' Yeah, there's nothing that original in the premise, but it's nicely done here and there are a few nice little touches here which give it the odd unique quality.  Plus the central character is likable.  She's not drastically overpowered for no reason and fights off hordes of men much bigger than her.  She really does have to fight for the right if she's going to achieve the 'honour' of being the 'final girl.'

Overall, it's a fun little horror film.  Maybe it's got a few 'right on' messages which you can either take to heart, or just let ride over you and enjoy a well-crafted little horror film.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Howl (2015) - Who says B-movies are dead?

As the title - semi - suggests, 2015's 'Howl' is about werewolves - not always the easiest of monsters to fit into a horror film, simply because they normally take more special effects/money to make believable and - perhaps more importantly - scary.  However, it's nice to see a low budget movie do the best with its limited budget and actually pull off something quite special - at least in terms of B-movies.

'Howl' may not have the action and 'gung-ho-ness' of 'Dog Soldiers' (my personal favourite werewolf movie!), but it still works.  Late one night, a train travelling out of London, gets stuck in the countryside and, as well as the buffet car being closed, it just so happens that a pack of werewolves are outside due to the full moon.

So, what you're left with is a tale with a - reasonably generic - plot, i.e. survivors making a stand in a one location (in this case, a stranded commuter train).  At this point it could just fall into that oh so forgettable category of so many similar films.  But here the writing is good enough to elevate it above so many others.  The first major plus point is that the characters aren't complete stereotypes.  Yes, they may be a little one-dimensional, but when compared to other 'monster-fodder' in such films, they're actually a lot more 'fleshed-out' than many such characters in monster movies.  Even the obligatory 'bad guy' among the group is memorable and you'll be waiting for him to finally get what's coming to him.

Then there are the creatures themselves.  Maybe for budget reasons, the film-makers have leant more into 'lycanthropy' being more a mutation to regular humans, rather than transforming them into fully-fledged monsters.  Therefore, the film doesn't rely on cheesy computer-generated effects which take you out of the story.

Like I say, 'Howl' may not be - quite - as much fun as 'Dog Soldiers' (which really did raise the bar in terms of werewolf movies), but it's definitely a fun film if you like the genre and well worth a watch.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Freeze (2022) - I seemed to like it more than most

Found this low budget horror film on a streaming service and decided to watch it.  And I'm glad I did.  It was only now I've come to review it did I find how much of the minority I seem to be.  I'm guessing it's set about 100-150 years ago when a sail-ship takes an expedition to the North Pole in order to find a previous lost vessel.  Naturally, they find something pretty nasty waiting to take a bite out of them in the frozen wastelands.

As I say, it's low budget.  Don't expect any amazing set pieces, but what I enjoyed was the cast.  They were older than your average cast of a modern horror film.  Most cases have actors barely out of their late teens cast in roles which should really go to middle aged people.  Here, I actually believed that the men on the crew were hardened sailors - especially the captain himself, who I was really rooting for.

Now, don't think that I'm saying that everything is perfect here.  The monsters are nice - for the budget, but they're basically men in costumes and the lack of movement was really visible when the creatures had to attack humans.  Because the monsters' mouths obviously weren't designed to move and be seen to take bites out of people, they just sort of rub their hideous, slimy faces against the people.  It was actually quite comical, unfortunately.

Plus there's a woman on board.  Yes, the 'in story' explanation is that she's a stowaway, but her character seems really out of place, like she's had Ripley's ('Alien' franchise) personality imprinted on her.  She even tapes two guns together in a weird throwback to that classic scene from 'Aliens.' It's very out of place.

Then you have the human antagonist of the film, who chews up every piece of scenery even harder than any beastie could.  He's more evil than a thousand Dr Evils and he shows it.

Yet, I watched it right until the end.  I actually enjoyed it.  It had its flaws, but the casting and story was different enough to keep me entertained.  Although, perhaps its strongest 'selling point' (for me!) was that it was set a long time in the past and this is the first new horror film I've seen in a while where the teens don't have to point out that their cell phones don't have any reception.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Drainiac! (2000) - I don't know what I was expecting

I've decided that any film whose title is effectively a pun really is not going to live up to much. 'Drainiac!' is one hell of a low-budget horror film which tries its best to add some humour into the bargain.  It's fair to say that it succeeds and fails in everything it tries to do.

A house is possessed and the teenagers who are trying to clean it fall foul of the entity lurking in the building's pipes.  It may have a low budget, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the script has to be bad.  However, here's it's pretty amateur at best.  Sometimes the dialogue really grates as some words are used again and again.  Plus the characters are pretty one dimensional.  You'll know whether someone is going to make it or not simply because they're completely unlikable from the moment they appear on screen.

Although, props to the film-makers when it came special effects.  There's some computer work done here and there (which is a bit ropey), but the majority is actually in the form of the lost art of 'stop motion' and it's actually quite inventive and makes the most out of the limited budget.

I think I laughed about once at some lines which were supposed to be humorous, but quite often the laughs fell foul.  Plus the kids seemed to be quite casual about the situation they found themselves in, laughing and joking almost right up until the end.  There's some nudity thrown in there, too.  It's pretty unnecessary in terms of the plot, but I'm guessing the scene will certainly appeal to some people.

Overall, the film's okay.  I may be dwelling on the negatives, but I could have turned it off at any point and I didn't.  That's more than I can say for a fair few horror films I've had the misfortune to stumble on via streaming services.  Can't think of anything to particularly recommend this one for, but it's not as terrible as it could have been.  I guess the title still amuses me.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Bong of the Living Dead (2017) - Hit and miss (but more hits, I guess)

Due to nearly fifty years of watching zombie movies, me and my friends have spent many drunken evenings rambling about what we'd do should the undead ever rise and threaten what little brains we have. 'Bong of the Living Dead' is almost my life story after a few pints (only minus the actual ghouls).

Six friends, all of which are well versed in 'zombie lore,' find they are actually caught up in an apocalyptic situation when the dead rise from their graves and start biting anyone with a heartbeat.  For a fan of the genre, there was a lot to enjoy.  Zombies have been back in fashion for a couple of decades now and even my mum knows that if one should show up, all you have to do is destroy the brains and you're okay.  Therefore, I've kind of grown tired of other films where characters see a zombie and spend half the film shooting and attacking them in every part of their body apart from the head - until they finally figure it out.

This story skips all that and spends its time poking fun of the conventions and cliches that come with the genre.  And it's all good.  In fact, some of the 'in-jokes' and 'movie-related' meta humour is some of the highlights.  However, it had its drawbacks.  Namely one character who seems to be in the first half a lot more than he's in the second.  He just chews the scenery at every opportunity and if I was forced to survive the zombie apocalypse with him I'd happily offer my tasty brain to the first flesh-eater who was passing my whichever shopping mall I was holding up in.  Secondly, there's a woman who - and this could just be me - I couldn't understand.  She seemed to mumble all her lines and I had to keep rewinding the film to try and make out what she was on about.

Secondly, don't try to apply too much logic to this film. I guess it's all about the gags over the story.  First of all the humans seem to be well on top of the situation and the jokes stem from how everyone knows what to do therefore our protagonists' skills aren't needed.  Then it's like you turn over two pages at once and humanity has been wiped out, besides our stoner household.

Anyway, I'm just being picky.  If you're into your zombie movies and want to see a movie that is funny as it pokes fun of the genre, give this one a try.  Or just put 'Shaun of the Dead' on again - it's up to you.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Satanic Panic (2019) - Crazily amusing

I came up with the title to this review about three quarters of the way through the film.  I was really quite enjoying the stupidly-horrific black comedy.  However, the last act kind of let it down, but that's not as bigger negative as it could have been.

It's about a pizza delivery girl who regrets delivering to a well-to-do mansion, only to find it's the setting of a devil worshiping cult, hell bent on ushering in the next age of darkness.  Oh, and they're looking for a virgin.  And would you believe it, but the pizza delivery girl is a very - er - 'nice' young lady who just so fits the bill.

The bulk of the film is about the cult chasing her round the neighbourhood.  It's not an overly-long movie (and it doesn't need to be) and it moves nicely from one gory and over-the-top set-piece to the next.  It's actually quite fun, never really taking itself too seriously and definitely fitting into the 'black comedy' area of the horror genre.  However, the story's best assets are its characters.  The primary protagonist is very down-to-earth and very easy to root for.  Contrast this to the cult themselves who are deliciously over-the-top and evil, making a nice, simple contrast for the conflict which follows.

Overall, it was a lot of fun to watch.  But I did mention the ending.  I saw another couple of reviews mentioning they had problems with the endings.  And I get where they're coming from.  It's not a terrible ending which ruins the overall film, it just sort of comes out of nowhere and doesn't really feel like it was part of everything which had come before.  It's literally the last ten minutes, so, up until then, it's all good, daft, horrific fun, so don't let the 'left turn' that sort of comes out of nowhere spoil an otherwise enjoyable horror B-movie.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Armageddon (1998) - Yeah, I know it's dumb, but...

I remember watching 'Armageddon' back in the cinema back in 1998 (and probably on VHS soon afterwards).  And I enjoyed it.  It was fun.  And that was about all I really had to say about it.  I don't know why after nearly thirty years I decided that I needed to watch it again, but - for some reason I can't explain - it hit me on so many different levels.

No, I'm not saying it's an intellectual film with deep themes and layers.  I still think it's dumb fun - an asteroid is hurtling towards Earth, destined to wipe us all out and NASA's best plan is to send a rag-tag group of oil drillers led by Bruce Willis to plant a bomb on it before it hits us.  Yeah, I know - don't think about anything 'physics-related' when you watch this or you'll turn it right off.

Somewhere along the timeline of movie-making, Hollywood seemed to have stopped caring about good old-fashioned harmless fun (no matter how daft the premise!) and gave us dreary, tired and depressing tales of miserable people.

Michael Bay gets a lot of flack these days (mainly for butchering 'Transformers' lore!), but sometimes we forget just how well he can elicit emotion through his direction.  Yes, 'Armageddon' is very 'American, hell yeah!' There are plenty of the tropes that define his film-making techniques, i.e. helicopters, the stars and stripes flag and those weird explosions that seem to have fireworks contained within them, but here it all adds to the ride he takes you on.

Sure, some of the characters are a bit one-dimensional, but that doesn't mean you won't care about them when the mission gets underway.  The first half of the film could almost be described as a 'comedy' but when the crew finally come to terms with the stakes, the atmosphere changes to more dramatic tension.

'Armageddon' is no masterpiece.  It'll never rank as highly as 'true classics' like 'The Godfather' and 'Empire Strikes Back,' but it is just about as perfect as a movie that has the sole purpose of entertaining you can be.  If all you're looking for is to shut your brain off and enjoy the ride, then this is the two hour spectacle for you (okay, there is a bit of over-acting here and there that made me roll my eyes back in 98 and hasn't aged that well, but, apart from that, the rest is sound!).

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

The Pit (1981) - So glad I found this

Just when I thought I'd watched every last horror offering the seventies and eighties have to offer, I find an absolute gem like 1981's 'The Pit' and I realise how many low-budget classics I must have missed.  I had no idea what I was in for when I sat down to watch this, only that it was 'horror.' It certainly is - of a type.

It's about a troubled young twelve-year-old boy who, when he isn't talking to his bedraggled teddy bear (imaginatively named 'Teddy'), he's either watching fully-grown women getting undressed through their bedroom windows or visiting some local monsters who live down the titular 'pit.'

You could almost say there's too much going on here.  You could have a boy who talks to a killer toy as the premise for the film.  Or you can have a young peeping tom working his way through the town's female population.  Or you can just have something monster-related. 'The Pit' goes for broke and weaves all three together.

If someone had told me that those three themes would all be included, I'd be afraid that the end product would be a bit of a mess.  Not here.  For some reason, it actually works.  Perhaps it's due to the performance of the young man at the centre of it all.  There's no doubt he's hardly someone we should look up to, but he's played with just enough sympathy for us to follow his journey.  

There are other characters in the film, such as the boy's live-in babysitter who he's madly in love with (you know this will hardly turn out well!) and other people sort of come and go through the movie and you won't really notice them missing until they turn up at the bottom of the pit.

There's not much in the way of gore and the monster effects are so-so, but probably quite good for a low-budget movie.  It's the central performance which carries it all and elevates this over so many forgettable similar films.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Goblin (2010) - Yeah, so... that was a thing

Sometimes it's best to review a film before it completely slips from your memory.  This is one such time.  I can't really think of anything really bad about 2010's 'Goblin,' but then I can't think of anything particularly positive to say about it.  I guess that's why it's probably the definition of mediocre.

Long ago, blah, blah, blah, supernatural shenanigans, blah, blah, blah, now we have a monster running round the woods killing people.  And we have our horror movie.

Only the 'horror' element doesn't really start until around the halfway mark.  The first forty-five minutes are all taken up with 'character growth,' only the characters aren't that special.  In fact, the lead actress plays quite an unlikable teenage girl who you'll find it hard to root for.  The others are your typical horror movie stereotypes.  If you've ever seen another similar film you'll know exactly who will live and who will die.  All dialogue within the first fifteen minutes is basically exposition and the addition of an old local man who delivers a warning to the main cast adds to the cliches.  

At least the second half picks up a bit when the goblin itself makes more appearances.  There's not much in the way of gore, but the creature is actually quite nicely designed, so props there, I guess.  But the film just seems to feel far longer than its ninety minute runtime.  Granted I was watching it on a streaming service, but every time I paused it and saw how far through I was I expected to be half to three quarters of the way through, only to find that either twenty or thirty minutes had passed.

Weirdly, my main gripe came about halfway through when I realised that, despite it being set on Halloween, most scenes took place during the day.  Granted, the climax was filmed at night, but I don't think I've ever seen a film set around this time that's supposed to be scary and have it filmed on a nice warm afternoon.

Maybe I'm being too harsh.  Like I say, it's not a bad film - there's just so many that do far better with equal or less of a budget.  Watch it if there's nothing else, but don't expect anything too memorable.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Final Summer (2023) - Was it meant to be this understated?

I'm no film historian, but I can roughly chart the style of the horror (slasher) movie genre throughout the last fifty years.  In the seventies they were gritty and dark, being labelled 'video nasties.' Then the eighties made them mainstream and each one tried to 'one up' its competition.  In some ways, the nineties were the final incarnation of the genre where films like 'Scream' parodied the original cliches associated with the genre.  Now, some twenty years later, with everything being already done, what's left to do?

In 'Final Summer's' case, the answer is: go back to the beginning.

I'm not sure whether I like the fact that, despite being made in modern day, it tries it's best to emulate the slasher movies of the eighties (even though it's set, for the most part, in 1991).  Doing this seems to have its pros and cons.  For a start, the film-makers have managed to make an entry into the genre which if you shot it through a wormhole back to the eighties then they'd probably think it was made then.  However, despite having over thirty years advantage on the genre, it would still be forgotten with all the others that tried to emulate the success of the 'greats' such as 'Friday 13th' and ultimately failed.

Yes, it's a slasher film.  Yes, it's stripped down to the bare bones of what the genre was like back in the eighties.  And, yes - sadly - it could get lost among the masses of similar movies made any time from the seventies to last week.  It's about kids at a summer camp being stalked by a masked killer in the woods.  All the cliches are there such as the overs3xed teens, incompetent police officers and stumbling through the woods when you could just run away.

Despite the film-makers intention being to try and make something that fitted more in back then than now, I think they've succeeded a little too well.  Back in the eighties films like this didn't have much of a budget.  And neither does this one.  This means that it doesn't have the money for anything from an original mask for the killer (looked more like one of the ones from 'Halloween III: Season of the Witch' - and we all know how highly regarded that one is thought of!).  But, more disappointingly, there's not much in the way of inventive kills or gore, let alone any characters you'll root for, let alone remember.

If this was the first of its kind ever made it would probably be remembered in the same league as 'Texas Chainsaw' and so on, but it's not.  It's a love letter to a time where movies didn't have the money to do much other than run through dark woods.  If you want to see that, it's not a terrible entry - it's just nothing we haven't already seen in the genre for the last fifty years.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Island Zero (2018) - Slow.  Very slow

I really wanted to like this one more than I did.  It's a low budget indie horror and I know that you don't need a massive amount of cash or special effects to make a movie work, but I think the lack of financing does hurt this production a bit.

An island off the coast of America finds itself under attack from a water-based beastie.  It's a fair enough premise for the horror genre, but its major problem is its pacing.  When I saw the runtime was actually over the traditional ninety minutes, I did wonder what I was in for.  The opening scene is a sample of what was to come.  It's long.  Or it certainly feels that way.  I know the film's defenders will say that it 'builds tension,' but it was just slow (to me).

When the film properly starts, we're introduced to the characters (the lead of which was punching above his weight, in my - catty - opinion!) and their acting is a bit hit and miss.  I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh because (according to what I've read online) a lot of the actors were actually locals who volunteered to star in the film and didn't have any acting credentials.  Plus the dialogue is clunky and there merely to get exposition across as quickly as possible, making delivery hard for even the best actor.

Once you've had the 'set-up' you can pretty much have the movie on in the background and do the ironing, as you're not going to miss much.  It's just people wandering around, slowly coming to terms with what we - the audience - already know.  

The gore eventually comes and the make-up is good on dead bodies and there is some decent practical effects.  But, due to the lack of budget, there really isn't enough and it comes after one hell of a slog to get there.

'Island Zero' isn't awful, but it's just nothing new or memorable enough to really stand out in its genre.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Rapture-Palooza (2013) - So, so dumb (and yet actually quite funny)

It's easy to sum films up as either 'good' or 'bad' and yet I like to think there's at least one more (blanket) term that can be applied to them - and that's 'enjoyable.' I wouldn't say 'Rapture-palooza' is a good film and yet I say through it right up until the end with no regrets and a silly smile on my face.

I'm sure the title can hardly be classed as a 'spoiler' so I'll point out that the 'rapture' occurs right at the beginning where 99% (roughly) of the Earth's population are taken up to heaven to be judged by our Creator.  The story therefore takes place surrounding those left behind.

If the movie does have a - major - fault is that it starts out too strong.  I know there's a saying 'show, don't tell,' but the big laughs come in lead actress, Anna Kendrick's, dry narration of the world as it now exists.  After that five minute (comedy!) exposition dump, the jokes do - unfortunately - slow down, but it's still funny enough to stick with.

After we've learned about the society (and ignored any plot holes which may arise - and there are a few - as sometimes the world breaks the rules it's literally laid out in the previous scene, simply to move the plot forward) we find that the Antichrist (Craig Robinson) has descended among us - and naturally needs to be stopped.  At first I liked his portrayal as the antagonist, but the constant 'gutter humour' did grate after a while.  I get it.  He's not supposed to be likable - he is the Prince of Darkness, after all!  But he still became a little bit annoying and over-the-top, but fortunately he's a good enough actor reel in his own performance to prevent his character from ever being a barrier from entertaining.

Overall, this is just a dumb, fun film.  There's nothing really amazing about it, but if you're in the mood for something light to enjoy and rest your brain to, give it a go.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Bully (2018) - One of the most uplifting films I've seen lately

Holy moly - how good was this film?  It's rare that after nearly half a century I'm actually blown away with something I've watched.  In a world populated by superheroes fighting faceless computer-generated armies up against the backdrop of a giant skybeam, a film like this somehow has more heart (and hope!) for the human race than every caped crusader ever to hit the silver screen.

As the title suggests, this film is about a 'bully' (actually, more a trio of bullies, but we'll forgive the titular inaccuracy), or - more importantly - the victim of one.  A young, overweight schoolboy with wavy ginger hair finds himself a target for a particularly nasty classmate.  After taking a beating in the street, our portly protagonist is saved by a man who offers to help him learn to defend himself.  What follows is his journey as he becomes a boxer - or rather learns enough moves to dodge and throw a punch (which comes in handy when in the school grounds!).

There's very little that I can say is negative about this film.  What I really enjoyed was how 'natural' all the characters were.  It would be easy to take the easy - dramatic - decisions in terms of where the plot went, but nothing is exaggerated in terms of story and how characters react.  Every time I thought something stupid was going to happen, something completely normal and relatable took place.  I'm sure while I was watching I spotted a few minor gripes, but this is a case where there is so much that's right, whatever small downsides pale in comparison.  I guess the bullies themselves are not very three dimensional - they're effectively the same stereotypical bullies you've seen in every other movie.  Plus the gay characters are a little cliched, but at least they get a small amount of character growth where you'll enjoy cheering their input on towards the end.

This is one of the most simple little films every made recently.  That's not a downside, as it's actually pretty much as perfect as any film can be.  Watch it when you need a dose of watching good claw its way to defeating evil.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

The Show (2017) aka This is Your Death - Didn't the Pythons do this?

I have all four series of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' on DVD, but I haven't watched them in a while.  I can practically recite the most famous of their sketches, but I'm sure there is a lesser known scene or two where the general public come on some fictional BBC programme and get routinely killed.  If it wasn't exactly this, I know they regularly show people who they asked to come out from their hiding places and dropped twenty-five tonne weights on those unfortunate enough to wander onto the studio floor.  Either way, the overall premise of 'The Show' (or 'This is Your Death' depending on which version you watch) basically felt like someone took a Python sketch and played it seriously.

Here, the general public come on stage and kill themselves in a variety of ways, live in front of a studio audience.  Yes, really.

As bizarre - and possibly unrealistic - as that may sound, go with it - there's actually more to it than you may think.  I wasn't sure if it was for me, but my love of 'Breaking Bad' meant that I was curious about 'Gus' from the show's direction, as he directed and starred in this (I really should learn the actor's name - I've seen him in enough stuff, but he'll always be 'Gus' to me).  He may not be the lead, but he's definitely showing off a different side of his acting range and is probably the film's high point.

It's a little longer than the average hour and a half movie and it could probably have been trimmed a bit around the ninety minute mark.

As you might imagine, a film with a central theme of suicide is hardly a 'feel-good' movie and it did leave me quite drained by the time the credits rolled.  It's worth a watch if you're feeling strong, but you may have to have a playlist of cute kitten videos on YouTube to watch straight afterwards.

Alternatively, just watch that one short scene in the pilot episode of 'Futurama' with 'suicide booths' - they're faster, cleaner and don't take two hours of your time.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Where the Scary Things Are, aka 'Don't Scream' (2022) - Why all the hate?

Okay, so - to be fair - there aren't that many reviews of 'Don't Scream.' In fact, it took me a while to find it online - largely because it mainly seems to be known as 'Where the Scary Things Are.' Why the title change?  I don't know and it probably doesn't matter.  However, after watching it, I did my usual trip online to review it, only to find that it was getting one and two star ratings.  I'm not saying it's a masterpiece, but I found it enjoyably different.

I watch a lot of horror movies and the blurb talked about a group of teens meeting a supernatural force (wrapped up with something about urban legends).  That synopsis can probably describe at least half the horror films made since the late seventies.  Normally, this means 'twenty-somethings' pretending to be eighteen-year-olds.  However, immediately I noticed that these 'kids' were actually meant to be more around the age of fifteen to sixteen (played most likely by eighteen-year-olds!).  Straight away the film almost had a 'Stand by Me' vibe, albeit set in the modern world with YouTube and iphones - a refreshing change.

Now, I'd like to do more of a detailed breakdown of the story.  But that would (a) be giving too much away and (b) would probably take longer than it does to actually watch the film.  That's because the plot jumps from here to there, branching numerous characters - some who you think may be an integral part, only for them not to really feature - while others who you think will be our heroes tend to, er, not be.

I can see some people saying that this is a 'mess' and trying to accomplish too much.  It's a fair comment, but - for some reason - I was hooked.  I don't want to describe it as a 'car crash' as that sounds like it's bad.  And I certainly wouldn't describe it that way.  It's rare that a film can genuinely make me wonder where it's going.  Maybe I'm so used to all the cliches and conventions of the genre that anything even vaguely different comes across as something special.

If you're looking for relatable characters who you'll root for, you may not find too many here.  Our protagonists are an - how should I put this - interesting bunch, not really your boy (and girl) scouts with the most noble of outlooks on life.

Whether you know this film as 'Don't Scream' or 'Where the Scary Things Are' I really would say its novelty of choice of characters (and their motivations) combined with the twisting narrative which may make you wonder how it will all end, actually makes this a bit of a hidden gem.  I'd definitely watch it again.  Don't believe the one star reviews straight away; if you do decide to sit down and watch this, know that it's not your normal episode of 'Stranger Things' and that it's a little different to your average modern horror.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Easter Bunny Massacre (2021) - And they played it straight?

I get it that slasher films have been around a long time now and pretty much every creepy and unsettling mask has been used by some knife-wielding psycho.  So, I guess someone thought it would be clever to use an 'Easter Bunny' costume as the maniac chopping the cast up.  And that might have worked, if they'd leaned into the general silliness of it all.  But instead, the film-makers tried to play this one with a straight face, as if it was an outright horror.

The film begins with a gaggle of twenty-something actors trying to pass themselves off as late teens, partying round a campfire before they head off to uni.  Unfortunately, they have a but more of a heavy night than they expected and when they wake up they're all covered in blood and a girl with a weird Anglo-American accent is in pieces.  Naturally, they don't call the police, but instead do their best to cover up whatever 'crime' they may or may not have committed and just do their best to live their lives.  Unfortunately, a year later, they're all lured to a hotel by someone who knows what they did last summer... sorry Easter.  Yes, you may have heard that plot somewhere back in the late nineties. 

So the film isn't funny when it could have been.  It isn't original.  The gore is pretty much non-existent and the film often grinds to a halt sometimes when it realises it hasn't got anything new to say and starts throwing in pointless flashbacks just to pad it out.  But - possibly worst of all - is that the dialogue and acting is pretty awful.  I won't blame the actors as I've seen a couple of them in other things and they're perfectly fine when given better to work with, but the script lets them down here.

Overall, this film really doesn't have anything going for it, which is a shame, as it could have been a nice, cheesy little entry into the genre, but there just isn't enough here that's original, scary, gory or just good to really recommend it.

Oh, I said it wasn't funny.  I take that back.  The 'killer rabbit' costume was pretty funny, but that was probably not the film-makers' intention when they designed one of the most unthreatening and unintentionally funny 'murderers' ever.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

I Am Rage (2023) - Discount 'Ready or Not'

I actually quite liked the premise of this one... a nasty ol' bloody-drinking cult kidnap young men and women and steal their life essence.  Only this time the adduct the wrong woman - someone with extreme anger issues and who definitely needs stronger antidepressants.

It's a nice idea and was enjoyable enough as a simple B-movie, but my main complaint was that it could probably have been much better.  When the two female protagonists are lured to the mansion, there are some major red flags that all is not good.  If you're relaxing in the bath and some old woman sneaks in and pretends to be your boyfriend and starts washing your hair and when you try and say something, starts yanking it painfully.  Plus their hosts don't let them change clothes in days (would any woman really put up with not changing clothes for that period of time and just not say anything?!) and when it comes to dinner, their hosts seem only too keen for them to drink dodgy-looking liquid with glee.

The first half was pretty slow, but it gets a lot better in the second half when the bodies start piling up.  There's not too much gore, but the practical effects are simple and realistic.  However, its major let-down was its dialogue.  The two female leads are pretty good, but all the bad guys just come across as cliches and one-dimensional evil dudes with no real depth, other than to be the antagonist.  The spout cliched villain lines at every turn and are more of a joke than the serious film probably wants them to be.

There's a bit of over-the-top gore at the end that feels a bit out of place, baring in mind the limits the characters were capable of during the film's runtime and you may have to suspend your disbelief for that one.  But, despite its faults, overall the film is a solid little watch if you have nothing better to do and fancy some mindless hunting/action.  But, if you have 'Ready or Not' in your collection, probably best to watch that - it's better in every department and a very similar premise.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights