The Unholy (1988) - Standard demonic exploits

There's a popular YouTube reviewer I always watch and he has a saying that you won't remember a movie in 'T-minus 2 days.' I really wanted to love 'The Unholy;' I have a thing for eighties horror and always go for practical effects and story over anything made today with slick CGI.  Here we have a demon (called 'the unholy' believe it or not) who likes to pray on the innocent and pure once a year in an offering to the big red horned one down below.

Of course priests and virgins are pretty damn 'pure' so the unholy counts itself lucky to find a '2-4-1' offer here where both souls may well be turned and sent into the fires of hell.  A young priest is charged with the task of facing down this demon and, er, slaying it I guess.  Just 'defeating' it seems to be enough for the creepy church elders who send him on his quest.

There's not much to say about most of the film, because not an awful lot happens.  That's a sort of 'half criticism,' because, despite it not exactly being a rollercoaster of excitement, I did stick with it until the end.  The end.  That's when it really picks up.  There is a fantastic monster in the final act which will impress anyone (as it's practical effects over computer), but it isn't exactly excitement all the way getting there.  The characters all seem rather one dimensional.  Then from practically blending in with the background set, they crank the acting up to 'eleven' and start screaming the set down.  There was one nice touch a felt with someone who, in other movies, would probably been portrayed as just an outright baddie, but he actually felt a little more three dimensional than the 'heroes.'

However, I didn't regret sitting through the film and I definitely didn't hate it.  I just was hoping there would be something a little more memorable to turn just another demonic eighties horror film into a classic that I'd want to watch again.  I doubt I'll ever watch it again, sadly.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Yoga Hosers - I dare you to try and make it all the way through

I feel like I should start this review by saying how much I love actor/writer/director Kevin Smith's work.  Throughout the nineties and beyond he's created some of the cleverest, wittiest and most entertaining films ever to come out of (non mainstream) Hollywood.  I pretty much will watch most things with his name attached.  Yes, some of the more recent films have only really been average, but perfectly watchable - and you know that, even if what you're seeing isn't top quality, there's still a good chance his next film will be better.

Then I found 'Yoga Hosers.' I didn't even know it existed until recently.  I watched Smith's horror/black comedy 'Tusk' and never knew that his own daughter (alongside real life best friend, Johnny Depp's daughter, Lilly) had cameos in 'Tusk,' let alone went on to star in their own spin-off movie.

The two girls (or should I say Smith/Depp's daughters?) play two slacking clerks at a convenience store (anyone thinking this sounds familiar?) in Canada.  Yes, the plot starts off very similar to Smith's first ever big screen outing 'Clerks.' However, this one moves from comedy to horror/comedy.

I have no problem with the shift in genre.  I just hated the two central characters.  The two stars of 'Clerks' were losers, but you kind of felt sorry for them and could relate to their plight.  Here, these two girls are just nasty.  I was kind of rooting for ever monster who potentially could have eaten them.  It's rare that I take such a dislike to characters, but - even during the opening credits - they were annoying me enough that I could happily turn the film off even before I saw all the production team involved in its making.

Did I mention it's set in Canada?  I think I did.  And you'll be hit over the head with that fact/'gag' at every possible moment, especially pointing out that Canadians pronounce 'about' as 'aboot.' Hilarious.  Didn't 'South Park' do this over twenty years ago?

I just wanted this film to end.  And, for me, it never did.  I never gave it the chance.  I must have got over halfway through before the lack of laughs and sheer horrible leads made me hit the remote and find something better to watch.  One upside - the 'retro' computer game music that came on every time a new character was introduced and we saw their 'profile' (although this soon became overused).

Come on, Kevin.  You can do so much better than this (not including his 'Masters of the Universe' show for Netflix.  That came straight from hell and can go back there even sooner than 'Yoga Hosers.'

3/10 Jabba the Hutt wipes himself down with this film

Equilibrium - 1984 (but with guns)

'1984' - George Orwell's classic novel about one every day man's struggle in a dystopian future.  Now, what if that every day man wasn't just a mid-level clerk in a giant office, but a gun-totting, kick-a$$ tough guy, hell bent on enforcing this fascist regime?  But, wait, there's more!  This one-man instrument of death rebels against the status quo, where the population are forced to erase their own emotions by taking a daily dose of medicine, then goes on a murderous rampage to overthrow the population's oppressors?  This is basically 'Equilibrium.'

There's probably a lot of negative things I could say about this film.  Yes, the 'setting' seems straight out of the book '1984' (complete with 'Big Brother-esque' face, 'lovingly' ordering the masses around via huge TV screens.  Yes, it also came out only a few years after 'The Matrix' and therefore has a similar style of martial arts/gun-play when it comes to action scenes.  And, yes, it could easily be lost among similar sci-fi B-movies.  I think these are all fair comments if you're in the mood to hate on it.  But, on the other hand, it's just so much fun.

Christian Bale seems born to play the cold-hearted 'cleric' whose icy heart slowly melts as he becomes more and more in touch with his emotions.  And it's his show all the way.  There are a few other faces you may - sort of - recognise, but (like 'American Psycho') this is Bale through and through.

If you like your dystopian thrillers with more than a little hint of kick-a$$ action (or 'gun-fu' as I believe it's technically called) then you should definitely give this one a try.  I know people call it a 'discount 'Matrix' rip-off, but it really isn't.  The combat is actually quite different with no 'bullet time' effects that I can remember.  Plus it's more science-fiction than straight out action.  Alternatively, if you want to take a peek into what a totalitarian, authoritarian regime would look like, then just take a look out of your window during 2020-and beyond.

Oh, and also, Sean Bean is in it.  Is that a 'spoiler?' Anyone who knows anything about Sean Bean's fate in movies will know what I mean with that one!

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

The Book of Eli - Enjoyable, if predictable

I know that a lot of people absolutely love this film and find it hard to say anything negative about it and I'm certainly not intended to slate it beyond all reason.  However, I've watched it a few time (so it can't be that bad, right?) and always been left with a feeling that, although it's certainly good, judging by the heavyweights in the cast and overall budget, it just could have been much better still.

The ever-excellent Denzil Washington plays a loner who's surviving in one of those 'post apocalyptic worlds' that seem to be common in film and TV shows these days (think the desert-like setting from the 'Mad Max' movies).  He's your typical no-nonsense badass who's been charged with the task of transporting the last copy of a book to a specific location (I'm not sure whether the exact book is supposed to be some sort of secret or not, therefore I won't mention it in case it's technically a 'spoiler,' but when I first watched it, I guessed what the book was pretty quickly).  There is another 'plot point' that I certainly won't mention, as I definitely didn't see it coming - and, just for the record, found it a little 'implausible!'

However, life on the road is fraught with dangers - not just the random thugs wanting to either steal his weapons and water, but a local governor of a town (Gary Oldman) who knows about the book and wants it for himself in order to increase his power.

There's very little I can say about the film that's bad.  Obviously, with Washington and Oldman as the leads you know you're in for some good performances.  However, it just seemed like both actors could do so much better.  Everyone's seen them give numerous great performances, but here they just seem like they're 'phoning it in' a bit.  However, even an average performance from either of them still elevates the film from just another sci-fi survival film to something at least worth a bit of your time.

There are other good names on the cast list - everyone from Mila Kunis to Malcolm McDowell pop up and are all perfectly functional for their role.  I guess that's a word I'd use to describe 'The Book of Eli' - functional.  Despite it's stellar cast list and epic setting, it just comes across to me as another 'Mad Max-esque' movie.  It's certainly not bad and if you're interested in that type of film then I'm sure most people won't feel that they've wasted their time watching it.  

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Point Break (1991) - More fun that it deserves to be

On paper, 1991's 'Point Break' shouldn't work.  Or at least it should have long since been forgotten and confined to cinematic oblivion.  However, for some reason, everything about it just worked.  It worked back then and it still works now.  Possibly down to its two main leads (the highly bankable - back then, anyway - Keaun Reeves and Patrick Swayze), but also down to its sheer rawness.

The eighties gave us action films with burly musclemen wiping out scores of faceless henchmen, whereas the nineties tried to be a little more 'grounded' with its action - but only a little! 'Point Break' is about a young FBI agent (Reeves) who infiltrates a gang of bank robbers by learning to surf alongside them.  However, the one thing he didn't bargain on was the leader of the gang (Swayze) and how charismatic he is - can Reeves really bring himself to arrest him?

To say this is an 'all out' action film would be a bit of an overstatement.  It's more of an 'action/thriller/cops and robbers film.  Either way, whatever it is - it's awesome!  It's an example of a film that - for some reason - everything comes together perfectly and it's a completely easy watch from beginning to end.

The thing I always found with movies set in the eighties (and, to a degree, the nineties) is that they always seemed to 'start quicker,' or at least get going sooner.  Today, half the movie would be taken up with 'character building' and getting to know everyone's motivation.  I don't know whether that means that eighties/nineties films had more cliched characters, but here all characters are very easy to 'get behind' from the moment we meet them, meaning we can cut to the 'good stuff' a hell of a lot sooner.

And the good stuff is good indeed.  The 'action' may not involve mowing down mini armies of henchmen, but the set-pieces are awesome and have even been imitated and even lampooned a few times over the years ('Hot Fuzz' I'm looking at you!).  This is an example of a film that could never be made today.  They'd be too much political correctness and weird attempts at adding a 'message' into the film that the original 'Point Break' just didn't need to be amazing popcorn fun.  Did you notice I said 'original?' Yes, they tried to remake it, so just make sure you ignore the abomination that is the 2015 remake of this classic.

Special mention to Gary Busey who plays Reeves' partner - always strikes me as a 'forgotten, but integral' part of this film's success.

10/10 The Monty Python Knights of Camelot are currently looking for this