Kull the Conqueror (1997) - Cousin Conan

It's hard to talk about 1997's 'Kull the Conqueror' without mentioning either Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian, or both.  So I thought I'd get it out of the way early.  It's very similar.  Kevin Sorbo doesn't move that far away from the TV role that made him famous, i.e. Hercules, when he plays this film's titular barbarian who - sort of inadvertently - becomes king of a very Conan-esque 'sword and sorcery' type land, before realising that he'll have to slaughter all manner of villains in order to retain the throne and save his true love.  

In fact, 'Kull' was rumoured to be once a Conan script that Arnie turned down, so they gave it to Sorbo instead, who is very likable as the leading man and seems to know the right amount of cheese to go with the performance, so the story is never 100% serious, but also not an outright comedy by a mile.

Now, with a barbarian assuming the throne, this puts more than a few people's noses out of joint and they hatch a plan in order to resurrect the 'Red Witch' and use her powers to dethrone our boy, Kull.  Now, I've never seen the 'Hercules' TV series, so I don't know what Sorbo was like in it, but, as I mentioned, I enjoyed his performance here well enough.  However, I couldn't help but warm to the two main villains - Tia Carrere and Thomas Ian Griffith, who both seemed to be relishing their dramatically-evil roles and chewing the scenery for all it was worth.

I was thoroughly enjoying the film most of the way through, but it did sort of lag towards the third act a bit.  I don't know what I was expecting from the climax (and the second rate TV-style CGI monster effects are easily forgivable due to the production's obviously-low budget), but I thought they would have done something a little better.

This ending sort of turned the film - for me, anyway - into one that I would definitely have put on again in a few years if I was in the mood for some cheesy sword and sorcery, to one that I'm in two minds about.  There's definitely better out there, but that's not to say this one doesn't have plenty of well-meaning charm about it.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Into the Grizzly Maze (2015) - Bulletproof bear

Have you ever seriously thought what it would be like to be shot?  If I ever consider the - not particularly nice - possibility my mind always comes back to that early scene in 'Reservoir Dogs' where Mr Orange has been 'tagged' in the belly and is writhing around in a bl00dy mess.  I'm guessing that would what it would probably be like - to have a piece of burning metal blasted through your soft organs at great speed.

The reason I started with that was because 2015's 'Into the Grizzly Maze' is about a big ol' bear who starts tearing people apart in an American forest.  Now, I could get behind that principal if the victims the bear was after were, for example, children.  I.e. they would be scared, not really know what to do in such a scary situation and - most importantly - not be armed!

However, the - fully grown men - the bear is after are either professional bear hunters, or police officers.  And, of course, they're armed.  Now, this bear is supposed to be extra big for its species, yet it somehow is able to 'creep up on' a human without being heard, appearing next to them for a kill/jump scare.  Now, if that wasn't unbelievable enough, the human do actually manage to shoot it.  A lot.

I don't care how big the bear is - it's mortal.  Any bullet (assuming the bang from the gun itself didn't just frighten it away!) - even from a handgun - would cause the animal enormous pain and send it lumbering in the opposite direction.  But the bullets seem to just bounce off it before it - seemingly - disappears in the forest ready to jump out on our hapless heroes without them noticing.

Okay, the cast is pretty good with Thomas Jane, Billy Bob Thornton and Cyclops from the 'X-men,' but the overall premise of this film just kind of made it too unbelievable to be taken seriously.  It could have been good.  It should have been good.  It just didn't sit right for me.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Demon Island (aka 'Survival Island') 2002 - Does this really happen?

'Demon/Survival Island' is about an evil pinata coming to life and killing a load of people.  And, believe it or not, I can accept that as a movie premise (especially for a horror film).  However, what I found difficult to believe is that people actually exist like this, i.e. teenagers so stupid and also all taken to an island to play a game involving hunting underwear while drunkenly handcuffed together.  I guess I missed this part of growing up all those years ago.

Either way, half of them end up being murdered by a pinata.  Only it doesn't look like any pinata I've ever seen (okay, I haven't seen that many, but I've seen them a lot in films).  It's a life-size rubber demon with red eyes.  If one such entity came running towards me with murderous intentions, I doubt I'd point at it and say, 'Oh, look at that scary pinata!' (but then I wouldn't be stoned while plucking thongs from hard to reach branches).  Anyway, it kills a lot of people.  

Now, I like a good 'bad movie' where you get enjoyment out of just how stupid it really is.  Sadly, this one is just 'bad-bad' and not worth your time.  If the film-makers had leaned into just how dumb it is then it might have been fun, but they play it straight.  And they don't have the budget to really do anything memorable.  The monster is just a man in a rubber suit.  They try and make it scary by doing some form of 'Predator vision' where we see things from the creature's point of view, but it doesn't really work.  Although that's a masterpiece of film-making techniques when compared to what the monster does to 'chase' people.  The film goes all blurry and slightly slow motion and - somehow - it manages to catch up to its victims who are riding quad bikes.

There are a few familiar faces in the film, but don't let that fool you into thinking it's actually any good.  Rumour has it even the actors hated it.  There's minimal gore, bad effects, no nudity and nothing you haven't seen before - and a damn site better!

3/10 Jabba the Hutt wipes himself down with this film