Croc! aka 'Crocodile Vengeance' (2022) - One of the biggest carcrashes I couldn't look away from

Okay, if you've watched one or more horror/slasher movies, you'll probably have found yourself shouting at the on-screen characters while rolling your eyes at the choices they make in their futile attempts to survive.  In 1997 'Scream' even made the cliche mainstream, commenting on how the 'dumb blonde' always runs back into the house instead of to safety.

So, here we are 25 years later and horror movie characters are still making dumb decisions.  I'm sure we can excuse one or even two, but, you probably haven't seen 'Croc!'

The film opened in typical fashion.  A young couple were camping in the wilderness.  They get eaten by a giant, hungry computer-generated crocodile with a very wiggly tongue.  The next scene we see I instantly spot as the UK.  Forgive my cultural stereotypes, but I was always under the impression that crocodiles normally hung out in Australia.  Apparently not.  This one lives in the ground of a big, old-fashioned countryside hotel - a hotel that's about to have a posh wedding take place.

So the guests arrive and none of their mobile phones work.  Is there really anywhere in the UK wish such poor signal?  And no one seems to work in the hotel as all we see are the guests.  One of them has a car (how did the rest get there?), but, just when she needs it, it doesn't start (even though it looks quite new and it's summer when your car battery doesn't often become flat).  The groom even sees the killer croc eat one of the bridesmaids the night before the ceremony, but lucky he's an idiot and decides not to tell anyone - an action which leads to the reptile gatecrashing his big day and snacking on various family members.

So, picture the scene.  The setting is a big house in the country.  The enemy is one single crocodile.  Naturally, most of the humans lock themselves in the house and keep track of their hungry foe out the windows.  Now, call me odd, but if the croc is out the front, I'd probably go out of one of the many back doors or windows and just keep running.  The chases of a dumb animal figuring out or hearing me leave is minimal.  Or everyone could just run out in different directions - it couldn't get them all.

Instead, they have a much better plan... they invent excuses to go outside one by one and generally make a lot of noise to annoy their adversary.  Then they run away.  Only they kind of run about ten paces then turn round to check on their pursuer, but, in doing so, fall over.  And that 's the last we see of them.

In short, I never seen such a dumb film with illogical decisions and daft characters.  I haven't even touched on the awful acting (mainly from the dad) and the diabolical script (weirdly, although it was easy to tell the croc was computer generated, it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been.  No, the truly bad special effects were saved for the gun shots - yes, a character actually has a gun - he just forgets about it until half way through the film).  But, at the end of the day, I never turned it off and no one was holding a gun to my head to make me watch it.  I just couldn't believe what I was seeing and had to stick it through to the end just to see how bad it gets.  And it gets very bad.  But, in this upside down world we live in, 'Croc!' therefore firmly cements its place in the 'so-bad-it's-good' category.

I'll probably watch it again one day, just to check it all wasn't just a badly-written fever dream.  

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

What Waits Below (1984) - If you go do to the caves today...

Okay, as much as I love cheesy horror and as much as I love bad eighties movies, I couldn't go for this one.  It was actually pretty good and yet I just couldn't get past Robert Powell being the lead.  Now, if you're young you may not know who he was.  In fact, in terms of films I wouldn't have known him either.  But then I was a fan of British comedian Jasper Carrot.  Robert Powell starred alongside Carrot as a bumbling detective in sketches and then in its own TV series.  That was how I knew Robert Powell.

Now, I watch a film where a hardened, cut-throat merc leads an army team through an uncharted cave system, only to find there's something down there that they didn't bargain on.  And, in case you haven't guessed it, that kick-a$$ mercenary is none other than the man I watched lose playing snooker to a blind man and his guide dog back on the small screen (my favourite episode of 'The Detectives' by the way!).

Sorry, Robert, your performance as the detective was just too damn funny for me to take you seriously here.  But I tried.  And I tried hard enough to sit through the whole film and, while it may not be Shakespeare, it was still a lot of fun in terms of B-movies.

Powell's actually a good actor (seriously, he even played Jesus Christ in a highly-regarded film) and he's a lot of fun to watch here.  He plays off the other characters well and is definitely the high-point of the film.

What does wait below for him and his team kind of reminded me of the second (original) 'Planet of the Apes' film, but I won't go into spoilers here.

It's got no gore in and hardly much that would be termed 'adult,' but I guess some of the make-up effects and scenarios are kind of creepy and may be unsuitable for a younger audience.

It may not mean to be a B-movie, but it definitely is.  And it's fun - even if you do see the battle-hardened hero as a Jasper Carrot's sidekick!

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Alien Apocalypse (2005) - Do you like Bruce Campbell?

Do you like Bruce Campbell?  If the answer to that question is, 'Who the hell is Bruce Campbell?' then I will 'review' 2005's 'Alien Apocalypse' simply by saying - it's a terrible movie with terrible special effects which look like the aliens themselves are something out of a particualy bad Playstation 2 cut-scene and terrible acting.  So don't see it.

However, if - like me - you're the sort of person to queue for hours in a line at a ComicCon just to have your photo taken with the man with the greatest chin in B-movie history, I would 'review' 'Alien Apocalypse' by saying it's an absolute masterpiece of bad film-making, heading by Ash from 'Evil Dead' who just so happens to be wearing a spacesuit instead of a tatty blue shirt.  Oh, and he has both his hands here.

Four astronauts return to Earth after an extended time in space, only to find aliens have taken over the world and humans are now slaves who live in a wood.  Think 'Planet of the Apes' meets 'Battlefield Earth' and, of course, starring 'Ash' from the 'Evil Dead' franchise.

How you feel about this sort of film depends on what you're looking for.  If you're looking for something deep and serious, with dramatic plot arcs and themes which make you question the meaning of reality, then you won't find it here.  I suggest checking out some sort of top ten list of films of all time and watching 'The Godfather' instead.  But if you like your entertainment with double helpings of cheese and Bruce Campbell chewing on every piece of scenery then this film IS 'The Godfather' of bad films.

Films like 'Alien Apocalypse' should not be judged in terms of whether they're a good or bad film.  It's a bad one - and it knows it.  The difference is that it embraces its awfulness with both arms and plays into it.  Yes, it's bad, but boy is it soooo entertaining I absolutely loved it.  Hail to the king, baby!

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

House II: The Second Story (1987) - Not really a sequel

The second instalment in the 'House' franchise is a difficult film for me to rate.  I absolutely loved the original.  I watched it when I was actually quite small and I loved all the creepy monsters and it was one of the films which added to my long-standing love of the horror genre.  Therefore, I was only to happy to watch the sequel.  Only it wasn't really a sequel.  Or was it?

The first film centred around a haunted house.  One where the setting was a major part of the story.  This time, it's like the screenplay could have been some sort of generic horror film and they simply slapped the 'House II' name as the title in a way to drum up a few extra bums on seats.

The original film was a bit tongue in cheek, but - ultimately - it was definitely a horror film and the monsters were pretty nicely grim.  However, part II has certainly been turned into more of a light-hearted comedy with only a few horror elements.  Some of the scenarios almost border on slapstick and I wondered whether I was actually watching a 'Home Alone' film by mistake.

I think if I'd seen part II first I'd have probably enjoyed it more, but seeing it after - the far superior - part I, the tonal shift really was hard to get over.

But, saying all that, I certainly didn't hate it.  It did have a few good elements that kept me sticking with it until the end.  The undead gunslinger 'Gramps' is fun, seeing as he's actually quite a nice monster/zombie.  But the character who really stole every scene was the electrician who isn't in it nearly enough.

Some of the effects - although visibly stop-motion - are actually quite good for a low budget production like this and I did enjoy the scenes set in the 'alternate dimension' - even if they didn't make much sense in terms of plot.

Overall, it's a fun enough film, but I'd definitely take it as a stand-alone movie instead of anything to do with the first - much better - outing.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Mercy Falls (2023) - Promising start, but...

We all know the movie trope about the group of friends who goes into the remote cabin in the woods and falls foul to... [insert your own bad-guy here] and gets picked off one by one.  For that, 'Mercy Falls' offers little new.  This time it's a group of twenty-somethings who goes hiking in the Scottish mountains because the main girl's father left her a cabin after he killed a horse.  Or something.  I didn't get that bit, but it's kind of academic, as they pick up a mysterious female hitchhiker along the way.  From that point on, things don't go that well.

Despite nothing out of the ordinary in terms of premise, I soon got into it.  Maybe I'm a sucker for wild, open wilderness as a backdrop (think 'Middle Earth' in 'Lord of the Rings') and the Scottish highlands were well-used to create a sense of isolation.  Plus the characters were nice enough.  Sometimes you wonder how these groups of friends ever got together in the first place as each one seems so different, but here you get the sense that the could well hang out together in real life (although perhaps they were too similar as I had trouble telling any of the three men apart, meaning when bodies started to pile up, I had no idea who was gone!).

However, the story took a major stumble for me midway when one character makes one of the stupidest decisions I've ever seen in a horror movie (and that's saying something!).  The scene is played out like some magnificent gesture of self-sacrifice, yet he didn't have to die at all and could have easily survived and got away, but chose to do something daft when he didn't have to.

But I pressed on.  The overall story was decent enough to warrant suspending my disbelief on that one little thing.  The problem was that is starts to drag at about the three quarter mark and you start checking your Instagram feed waiting for the inevitable final showdown to occur.  The film is about quarter of an hour over the usual hour and a half runtime and this is the point when it really feels it.  When it does, it too is a fitting enough end to a basically competent tale.

'Mercy Falls' is nothing new, but it should entertain for the most part.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Countdown (2019) - Nice idea, but slightly flawed execution

I have to say I actually quite enjoyed this.  For what it was.  When I sat down I was looking for a no-brainer little horror film and I got exactly what I wanted. 'Countdown' has a nice little premise (although perhaps a bit of an update of 'The Ring' if I'm being picky) - an app that you can download on your smartphone which will show the exact time of your death - down to the minutes and seconds.

Naturally, our female protagonist finds they have inadvertently downloaded the app and now only has a couple of days to live - unless she can make a copy of the killer video tape... oh, wait - that's 'The Ring' again, isn't it?  That doesn't happen here.

The leading lady is likable enough and, although this horror movie doesn't really reinvent the wheel in terms of storytelling, it is a nice update on the tried and tested formula.  You have the creepy supernatural force stalking a woman who slowly learns about what's really going on.  You also have the 'knowlegable' local authority who just so happens to have an inside knowledge on the subject.  

About the only thing that didn't really gel was a bit of a ham-fisted attempt to crowbar in a nasty work colleague who has 'improper designs' on our heroine.  The whole sub-plot could probably have been removed and the film would be slicker for it.  Without giving away too much about the ending and how the film is resolved, I guess this part of the story is setting up part of the climax.  In fact, if the film has a major weakness it's that the end feels a little contrived.

Overall, this is a fun little horror film - probably more for... modern audiences, but an oldie like me even got something out of it.  Even if I've been humming the theme from the long-running British Channel 4 TV show of the same name ever since.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Children (1980) - Clean your fingernails

Baring in mind how many horror B-movies I've watched over the years, I don't know how this one has slipped by me!  A toxic waste accident turns a bus-load of grade school children into murderous zombie-like things.  Their town is now in trouble.

Yes, it's as B-movie as it comes.  If you're expecting any deep and intellectual plots or character arcs you won't find them here, but what's on offer is certainly a creepy and dark little affair.

You may think it's going to be played like a bit of a black comedy, knowing that its pint-sized antagonists probably couldn't do you that much harm if you came up against them in real life, but that's not the way the film-makers chose to do it.  When it comes to the subject matter, it does break a few conventions and even a die-hard horror fan like myself was surprised with a few of the choices.

There's not that much gore, but the make-up effects are well done on the children's victim, plus there is the odd nice stunt thrown in there for good measure.  If there's a let-down it's that much of the final act is drawn out a bit too long.  There's way too much of the two heroes just wandering round from place to place as they hunt the demonic kids down.  I guess some may say that it was done to build tension, but I found it slowed the pace.  It's not Shakespeare by any stretch, but it is creepy enough to be worth a look if you're into eighties horror/slasher films.  And if you see a child coming up to you for a hug, feel free to indulge such a simple pleasure in life.  However, if you notice their fingernails are black then it may be time to bust out the samurai sword that every family in America obviously has hanging over the lounge fireplace.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Vengeance of the Leprechaun (2020) - Suddenly Warwick Davis is Shakespeare

Seeing as most of my favourite films are cheesy B-movies which are either horror/sci-fi, or both, I have a special place in my heart for the (original) 'Leprechaun' franchise, starring Warwick Davis as the titular nasty little fella, always hell bent on getting his greedy supernatural little hands on his mislaid gold.  Yes, as the franchise went on, generally audiences tuned out and the sequels were less and less impressive, compared to the original.

Now, I knew that this 'Vengeance of the Leprechaun' had nothing to do with that franchise and so wasn't expecting any of the cast or crew to spill over.  But I was at least hoping the film-makers would have a decent take on the mythos and produce something that was at least entertaining (and I will always take 'entertaining' over 'good').

Sadly, all I got was a cheap, nasty little B-movie which could have been made for the price of a postage stamp.  The actors (and I can just about call them that loosely) are pretty awful and some of the scenes are directed poorly and the edits drag scenes out making the dialogue even more shoddy than it already is.

Don't get me started on the special effects - they're really not that special, if they ever come at all.  The inclusion of a slight green filter is about the high point of the film-makers budget.  The creature himself is little more than a bloke in a mask and he's not even a little person, making his status as 'leprechaun' almost comically - in a bad way.

This is a bad, cheap film unworthy of the 'Leprechaun' name.  I know it's probably not anything to do with the old Warwick Davis franchise, but if you're into cheeky black comedy horror films with little nasty supernatural bad guys then go for one of them over this pile of tosh.

2/10 Scuzzier than the leftover goo from a Queen alien's egg sack

The Kill Room (2023) - Mind candy

I'm not going to say that 'The Kill Room' is the greatest film even, but I did find it on a streaming service and it looks like it was made specially for that platform.  In other words, compared the dross which is mere 'content' you can find there, actually coming across a film with recognisable actors really was a breath of fresh air.  It's because of this that I probably enjoyed it more than it probably deserved.

Uma Thurman plays a struggling art dealer who gets a 'break' in terms of selling art when career criminal Samuel L Jackson drops by and offers her a business proposition.  It starts out well and her gallery takes off, but soon she realises that she has effectively made a deal with the devil, or at least the kind of organised criminals you really don't want to invite to your high class cocktail parties.

I quite liked the dialogue.  Yes, the characters themselves may be - deliberately (?) vapid and shallow - but they were at least funny.  Or rather they were suitably scathing to other - equally shallow and vapid - art critics who infest the high-brown scene.  Thurman's intern may be a little bit annoying, but, apart from her, the combination of Thurman and Jackson carry the film with ease.

No, it'll never be up there with their other offerings like 'Kill Bill' or 'Pulp Fiction,' but if you're a fan of either actor, you'll definitely get something out of the film.  Or, if you're just tired of films on steaming services that cost about as much as a glass of milk to get made, at least this one had a budget that the film-makers bothered to spend on a script and competent actors who could make the most of it.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Follow the Dead (2020) - What happened?

I think it's safe to say that since 2004, if you were to give the plot summary of a film as 'a bunch of losers try to comically survive a zombie apocalypse' then you'd automatically think of 'Shaun of the Dead.' It was a classic and well deserving of its iconic status.  Of course if something is successful then others will try to copy.  Over the years we've got plenty more 'comedy horror zombie' movies featuring lovable losers.  Some were good, some were bad, but most were pretty forgettable.

Here we have Ireland's entry into the genre.  Yes, it's another 'SotD' rip-off, so I won't bore you with a detailed plot synopsis, as there's not much you haven't seen before.  I knew what I was getting into when I sat down, so I can hardly complain about its lack of originality.

And, as it began, I was pleasantly surprised.  For a start, the characters were nice.  And they were funny and therefore likable.  Yes, there are more than a few Irish stereotypes thrown in there to keep reminding the international viewers that this is definitely set in the Emerald Isle, but, overall, all characters do a good job.  My hopes were high.

So, I waited for the zombies to show.  And I waited.  The film began to drag about a quarter of the way through its runtime, but I continued to wait.  The beginning was so strong and well-written I wanted to give it every possible chance.

Eventually, it ended.  And, my overall summary would be that this is a zombie movie without any zombies.  Okay, I'm exaggerating.  There were some, but - seriously - in a film about the undead, chucking them in there for a handful of scenes barely counts in my opinion.

What you have for the main part is relationship drama.  Just like the zombies never really show, the jokes slowly dwindle in favour of relationship issues.  There's not much gore and I swear they stole a prominent mask from another horror film (I think 'Nightbreed' but I could be wrong).  Anyway, what could have been a memorable entry ended up being pretty run-of-the-mill and an example of what could have been.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Terror Trips (2021) - Well... I liked it anyway!

I'll admit it right off the bat - I really enjoyed this film.  It was only when I went to see other people's reviews after I'd watched it, did I realise I think I may be in the minority.  It's about a group of American teenagers who go to a remote part of the world and end up falling foul of whatever is out to pick 'em off one by one.  Nothing new with the premise.  If you're into your horror films then you've seen that a hundred times with only slight variations on that synopsis.

When it started, I did question whether I was going to enjoy it.  The sets were pretty bland.  You could probably recreate al the sets from whatever you have lying around in your back garden.  However, when the six characters are introduced - yes they do tend to each be a bit 'one note' in terms of characterisation, they are actually likable.

The story's big point is that all six protagonists are all open horror fans and are therefore well aware of the cliches and conventions the genre has to offer.  So, seeing as most of my favourite films are cheesy eighties B-movie horror, I like to think I got most of the 'in jokes' sprinkled into the script for us die hard gore hounds.  Plus the characters are actually quite likable.  None of them were such stereotypes that they were annoying and you find yourself preying for whatever masked serial killer or monster is stalking them to take them out as soon as possible.

So the acting and characters are nice.  Plus, on the whole, based on how main characters normally act in horror films, they do make rational decisions when they fall foul of the threat in Eastern Europe while scoping out sets from previous horror movies.  But don't go expecting too much gore.  The kills are hardly imaginative and, although most of the slices and dices are practical, when it comes to blood splatter it was blatantly computer-generated.

So, I maybe in the minority in terms of who liked this and who didn't, I'd say it's worth a watch for your die hard horror fan.  The only real gripe I could find was the - literal - ending.  It effectively just stopped in what - to me - felt like the middle of a scene, leaving me with a bit of an 'oh right, is that it?' kind of feeling.  Besides that, I did enjoy the ride.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Mongolian Death Worm (2010) - Discount Tremors

I think this review will be like when I used to misbehave at school and get given lines by the teacher.  I'll basically be writing the word 'Tremors' over and over again.  Not much else to say.  In case you're into your cheesy and monster-munching movies and - for some reason - haven't seen the classic 'Tremors' film starring Kevin Bacon, it's about giant man-eating worms who live in the desert.

'Mongolian Death Worm' - as the title basically gives away - is about the same.  The cast are all a bunch of ruffians - similar to the band of rowdy human survivors in 'Tremors.' The creatures look almost identical, only here now they're computer-generated, rather than practically created.  And, to be fair, the worms themselves aren't that bad when they appear on screen (not that they're on screen for as much as I'd probably liked), but the effects do take a bit of a nose dive when things like large explosions have to be artificially made.

If you liked 'Tremors' then you'll probably at least get something out of this.  But the only question is, if you actually have access to 'Tremors' (whether it be on DVD or streaming service) then you might as well watch that and get a 'proper' experience when it comes to man-eating desert-based worms.  I guess if you don't have access to 'Tremors' but you want to watch something like it then this may keep you entertained.  It's not terrible, it's just not as good as 'Tremors' by a mile.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Flood! (1976) - Mostly dry flood

Let's face it, we're all probably more than a little guilty at watching 'disaster movies' to see the scale of whatever carnage is being inflicted on our helpless protagonists.  I don't want to spoil 'Flood!' but in this case a small town is being threatened by a plague of locusts from the future.  Only kidding.  It's a flood.  Or rather a big dam just by their town and if it breaks - and it's already starting to crack - it'll flood the town and home insurance is going to go through the roof when it comes to the residents' next premium.

So we're introduced to the two men who have an idea as to what might happen and they try to warn the rest of the town.  Or at least they try to warn the town's leader, who - in tried and tested stubborn style - refuses to believe them because if they drain the water from the dam it will impact on the revenue that fishing brings into their local economy.

So our heroes persist in their efforts to warn more people (in between popping home to their respective women who look about twenty years their junior, but that's another story).  And then they go to a different location and warn a different person.  In fact, most of the film is set in - very dry - houses with people talking to people about what might happen, i.e. the flood.

It's only the last twenty minutes or so where you see the actual flood.  Now, maybe this pay-off is so awesome and ground-breaking that it makes the build up worth the wait?  Sadly, this is a TV movie and there wasn't much of a budget for big practical effects, let alone an alien invasion with a skybeam.

So you have a film which is quite long and desperately wants to be an epic in its genre, but the lack of anything that really happens just makes most of it drag.  Pity really, as it does have its charms and with a little more money behind it for the effects in the final act and a little less scenes building up, this could have been quite good.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Don't Click (2020) - Could have been good

I've got nothing against low budget horror films - in fact, they make up most of my DVD collection.  If a story is inventive enough to grip you and use only a handful (or one!) location, then there's a good chance that it can use it's - limited - budget in new and creative ways. 'Don't Click' is definitely a low budget film about a college student who er 'indulges' in dodgy websites, but gets more than he bargained for when a supernatural website - literally - sucks him in.  And then, to make matters worse, it draws in his flatmate.

I was quite happy with that premise.  We see where they're taken straight away - a creepy, single room with no exits and foreboding lighting.  And we're introduced to the film's main 'antagonist' who kind of looks like Hellraiser's 'Pinhead' (if he was going for a job interview at a reasonably-priced men's fashion store) and he's actually quite well made-up in terms of gore.

However, the film starts to run out of ideas and, before I wrote this review, I noticed that it was based on a short film.  That makes sense.  There's clearly enough here for something shorter, but not really a full theatrical release.

The film-makers are forced to pad out the runtime with needless flashbacks which slows the pace down as opposed to moving the story forward to whatever conclusion is going to come.

The performances are okay and, as mentioned the suited nasty who resides in this 'online dimension' is actually pretty menacing, but the whole plot kind of meanders and you could probably skip the middle part because it's all just padding until the final confrontation.

This is a shame really as this could have been a nice little cult classic. 

3/10 Jabba the Hutt wipes himself down with this film

Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys (2004) - Hey, it could be worse!

I used to really enjoy the 'Puppet Master' films in the early nineties.  They were about a gang of six horrific toys which came alive and basically killed people.  They were hardly high-brow and I haven't seen any of them in a while, so I can't really say how this entry enters the continuity (or if it even does!).  We meet an eccentric, but very familiar-looking father with his daughter (who just so happens is capable of hacking into secure companies' online files - and therefore should have a strong future ahead of herself in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, as they all seem to do that sort of thing there with the greatest of ease.

The two of them repair toys and are the descendants of the man who made the evil toys.  Naturally, they bring them to life, but this time the murderous puppets are actually more well behaved.

Meanwhile, we have one of the most cliched 'bitch bosses' you'll ever see on camera and her bored-looking henchman.  They have plans to kidnap the puppets and sacrifice virgins in order to bring about the age of a demon who looks like a Buffy reject.

I remember when I watched 'Batman vs Superman' - I was hoping for batarangs and lazer-eye-blasts being thrown at each other all the way through, but all I got was a - reasonable - battle between the two titular characters right at the end.  That's basically the same here.  The puppets (and the demonic toys!) are clearly the stars and it's nice to see practical anamatronics over computer-generated antagonists, but they don't actually face off until the final act - granted it's still fun.  

If you can ignore the kind of goofy plot where the bad guy wants to destroy children's Christmases by bringing their toys to life and making them evil, at least the film never really tries to be serious.  And, because of that I can forgive it its many failings, like the wobbly, bland sets and overacting.  If you liked the original, be forgiving and give this a go.  And I've only just found out that that's Corey Feldman in the lead - wow, how time's change!

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Hidden (2015) - One of the slowest of burners

The premise of 'Hidden' could well be a stage play for the most part.  It's about a family - Mum, Dad and young daughter - who are hiding in an underground survival bunker, while some sort of 'apocalyptic' event takes place above them.

It's a sound enough base to set a story on and it plays it well.  In other words we really get to know the three characters and their wants, fears and motivations.  And we continue to get to know them.  In fact, most of the film is getting to know them.  At about the halfway mark we get a few flashbacks to before whatever happened happened.  But we still don't know what actually happened.

The three of them often talk of the 'breathers' - clearly a reference to whoever or whatever roams the world above them and how they must never come into contact with them.  I know the film-makers are trying to keep things mysterious by never really revealing who or what these 'breathers' are, but, after a while, it just kind of got annoying.  I wanted to know the threat level the human survivors were facing so I could better understand what they could and couldn't do.  For example, if slow moving zombies were above them, you could probably run past them if you were careful.  Whereas if it was vampires who could turn into bats and fly after you then you needed to be a lot more careful and so on.

It was only in the last fifteen minutes or so that you actually understand where everyone truly stands.  And it is a good 'final act.' However, you need to be warned that this is no wall-to-wall thrill ride.  It's a long, drawn out slow burner of a film which will make you wait and wonder for a pretty short and sweet pay-off.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Necrosis (2009) - One word... competent

The whole 'cabin in the woods' trope has been a sub-genre of horror for quite some time.  Granted, here in 'Necrosis' it's a cabin in the snowy mountains, but the principal is just the same.  A group of friends go to stay in a remote location and fall foul to some sort of supernatural force.

This time we have three couples who stay in the mountains, who obviously ignore the cliched old man who warns them not to stay there.  Two of which are single, so guess who will be coupling up?  One of the actresses can't really act in the beginning, but she does get a bit better as the movie goes on.  The dialogue between the cast isn't badly written, but it doesn't really save it as it never really gets going and many scenes could be easily cut.

There's brief nudity if that's any incentive, but there's no real gore or creature effects to talk about.  I paused it what I thought was roughly half way through.  Turned out I was forty-five minutes into its hour and fifteen minutes runtime.  Basically, not much had happened yet - bar a couple of jump scares.  That should tell you everything you need to know about the film.  It's not the worst I've ever sat through, but it will hardly be remembered among the heaps of other similar offerings.  

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Follow Me (2020) - Well... I didn't mind it!

I say it right away - I quite enjoyed this movie.  No, it was no masterpiece, but it was nicely entertaining for an hour and a half - and that was all I was looking for when I put on the horror movie I found on a streaming service.  Then, when I came to reviewing it, I found that it looked like most people seemed to hate it.  Guess I'm in the minority here then.

It's about a YouTuber - only he YouTubes on a fictional website which is basically a cross between YouTube and Instagram - who has attained reasonable fame on the platform and has been dared by his millions of 'followers' to do the ultimate scary activity.  His 'crew' therefore scour the internet and find an 'escape room' in Moscow for him to try out.

What follows is a bit of a mish-mash of various sub-horror genres.  There's a bit of torture-p0rn in there, plus a survival movie with a healthy dose of slasher thrown in there for good measure.  I guess it is a bit all over the place in terms of tone, but it didn't really bother me.

The major plus - in my opinion - was the main character.  I thought it would be very easy to make him a completely unlikable idiot who is shallow as a puddle and we'd never identify with, let alone root for.  But I found him quite balanced.  Yes, he enjoyed the fame, but was also quite normal when he needed to be.

I don't know how well this film will age as it's definitely a product of its time, what with it basing its whole premise on today's obsession with becoming either a YouTuber, or 'influencer' or both.  Hopefully, our culture will grow out of this fad and this film will remain a time capsule of 2020.

If there was one thing that bothered me it was the ending.  There were only so many ways this film could go once it was underway and I predicted what would happen. Plus there were a few scenes that, once you dissect the film after you've watched it, will make you wonder what would have happened if certain events didn't unfold the way they were supposed to.  Either way, I enjoyed the ride, but feel free to check out all those reviews talking about 'unlikeable characters' and how it's an 'awful film' before you decide to invest your time into it.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Emelie (2015) - Enjoyably tense

I didn't know what to expect when I sat down to watch this psychological thriller/horror.  The description had the word 'babysitter' in the text - a word that seems to have developed a whole 'sub-genre' of its own.  Sometimes the babysitter is the bad guy, other times she's being stalked by devil-worshiping serial killers (or just the kids themselves turn out to be evil!).

I'm not sure how much I'll say about the plot in case you don't know which way it's going to go.  All I will say is that it was both enjoyable and very tense.  All actors play their parts well.  Obviously, Sarah Bolger (the titular sitter) has to hold the film up - and she does.  She's excellent all the way through.  However, sometimes when a movie has to rely on child actors, sometimes it does tend to fail.  Luckily, the oldest child of the three (who gets the bulk of the screentime) is good at what he does.

As with any thriller which contains 'life or death' situations, it's always easy for us - from the comfort of our sofas - to say what we'd do in their situation.  So there might be a few parts here and there where we may have to suspend our disbelief in order for the story to continue in its intended dramatic fashion.  Although, here I will point out that many of the decisions featured in this film are made by a child under stress, so perhaps you can give them added 'forgiveness points' when they do something that we wouldn't.

Overall, 'Emelie' isn't anything that new, but it is a good little thriller and in a world filled with streaming services which contain so many movies that you shouldn't waste your time on, if you can find this and are in the mood for some very dark takes on the subject matter of children, then this one is definitely worth your time.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

When the Lights Went Out (2012) - Good film (nothing new though)

Okay, take Poltergeist and The Exorcist then move them to seventies Yorkshire and you basically have When the Lights Went Out. It's supposedly based on a true story (but aren't they always?) about a family who encounter a particularly nasty spook in their house.

This is a film where I can find many positives and only one negative. The good things are the setting (if you ignore the occasional Sky Digital dish in the background). They do a good job of portraying seventies England. The actors are also all believable. The film centres quite a bit on two young girls. Kids in films (and especially horror films) tend to be either highly annoying, or just totally unlikeable. However, I found these two girls quite endearing and hopefully they will have a long acting career ahead of them. Also, it's quite creepy. The scares are sometimes predictable, but they're there nonetheless.

About the only thing that's negative is that - as far as story-telling goes - is that there's nothing new here. Hollywood has been churning out these sorts of films for years and all you have here is a British (period) version of one of those types.

If you're in the mood for an easy-going British horror flick, definitely give this one a go. Just don't expect anything revolutionary.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Hellboy (2019) - Hard to say what's went wrong

Did I enjoy the 2019 version of 'Hellboy?' Er, I guess the answer is, 'It was okay.' It had all the things I looked for in a film (I don't have high standards!) and ticked all the right boxes.  In that way, I can say it at least entertained me for an hour and a half.  However, I already own the first two 'Hellboy' films on DVD and the main thing I came away with was wondering why I didn't just put one of them on?

If you don't know, 'Hellboy' is a comic book adaptation of a lesser-known superhero (or maybe 'anti-hero' may be a better description) where a demon is summoned into our world by those wishing to use it to conquer the world, however the forces of good stopped them and brought the child up to be a force for good - albeit a large, red, grumpy demonic-looking one.

This film's main problem is that it's just kind of pointless really.  Yes, it brings a few things into the mix that are slightly different (like the origin is slightly changed if you compare the two versions), but it's not enough to warrant a remake, especially when the original was so fresh in people's minds.

Now, I should point out that the original two 'Hellboy' films were not as profitable as the studio behind them would have liked, but they did have a very dedicated fanbase - a fanbase which objected to the movie that they liked being remade so soon after it had originally been conceived.

So, without the primary audience backing this version and not really having the mass market appeal like a superhero like Batman or Spiderman would, this incarnation was destined to fail - no matter how good or bad it is.

I liked it, but I can't say it will leave any lasting impression on me like the first two did.  I would have preferred a third instalment into the original saga than this, plus the effects were less practical make-up and creative and more just computer-generated fight scenes which were blatantly so.  If you're bored and fancy a supernatural action movie then this is fine.  If you're really looking to get into 'Hellboy' on screen then the first two films are the way to go.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Tomorrow War (2021) - High concept, but don't think about it too deeply

If I had to sum up the film, I'd say that I enjoyed it.  If you like sci-fi and action (oh, and Chris Pratt is the lead, so if you're a fan of him you'll get plenty for your money) this should fit the bill.  It starts with a portal opening up in the middle of a football match and people from the future returning to tell us that they're fighting a war with aliens - and they're losing.  Therefore, they need to conscript us into their ranks for one last big push to save our species.

First of all I liked the fact that it wasn't an established franchise, nor did it attempt to set up some sort of 'shared universe.' It was pretty much one and done.  The cast are all great - as I mentioned Chris Pratt is a suitable leading man, but - as with so many cases - J.K. Simmons steals every scene he's in and I really wish he was in it longer.

It starts quickly, but after a bit of slowdown we're finally thrust into the action (or should I say the future?) you get some pretty intense action set pieces and a few dramatic reveals.  In fact, it gets so good that, when it does take its foot off the pedal, you really feel it drop a gear and may get a bit restless waiting for it to pick up again.

So it does suffer from what so many modern movies get criticised for - being too long.  There are times which could have severely been trimmed down and it would have been a bit tighter.  But I do love the overall premise of people from the future needing our help.  However, if you sit down and think of many of the decisions made in the course of the story, you may well start to come across one or ten plot holes.  These can then annoy you and make you dislike the film as much as you'll let them.

Personally, I just shut the (small) rational part of my brain off and enjoyed it for what it was - a kind of cheesy, high budget sci-fi action flick with a rather sweet father/daughter message thrown in there for good measure.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Warlock: The Armageddon (1993) - Warlock the Infinity Saga

The first 'Warlock' film was a classic and I wish I could say the same about the sequel.  Okay, it's not bad, but it's not a patch on the original.

First, the good.  Julian Sands as the titular 'Warlock.' He's great and totally carries the film as he returns to our time in order to retrieve - what we'd probably call today - the 'Infinity-like Stones' in order to bring about the coming of a demon who will end our nice happy little planet.  He's on top form as a villain who doesn't care who he kills along the way in order to get what he wants.

The film's troubles start with the heroes of the piece.  A band of old druids know about the Warlock's arrival and have prepared a 'contingency plan.' This revolves around training up one of their young sons as the saviour of the world who will stop the evil at hand.  The problem is... they never bothered to tell him about his destiny and now he only has six days to learn how to kill a - seemingly immortal and unstoppable - evil being.

I should point out that the special effects aren't that special.  Any practical gore and make-up effects are actually quite good (as is the demon himself for his brief appearance), but anything filmed up against a green screen is truly awful.

Overall, I'd say the film is like if 'The Terminator' had the killer cyborg wandering around Los Angeles killing all the (wrong!) Sarah Conners and then finally tracking the right one down in the last fifteen minutes and facing off against Reece and Sarah.  Then the film is over.  It feels like the film is one long - very long, to be precise - setup for the final battle and, all along the way, the bad guy is a damn sight more interesting than any of those tasked with stopping him.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Hellblazers (2022) - Character is everything

I watch a lot of B-movie horror films and normally the characters are pretty forgettable.  They're all cliches or annoying, or both!  In 'Hellblazers' the plot is nothing new - basically a big monster is stalking a small-time American town.  However, what puts this head and shoulders over almost all others in its genre, is the writing and characters.

Most modern films seem to go on too long and feel like they're outstaying their welcome.  But this time I actually would have preferred 'Hellblazers' to be remade into some sort of ten-part Netflix series.  Every character is interesting and distinctive.  None of them are particularly unlikeable - even the one who is (and he instantly redeems himself by knowing he's not very nice and leaning into it!) and play off each other well.  The dialogue has a natural feel to it and characters chat to each other about things that have nothing to do with the overall story.  This kind of 'extra' dialogue almost gives the film a 'Tarrantino-esque' feel to it.

The movie clocks in a one hour twenty-four minutes.  I happened to pause it at forty-four minutes in.  That's basically over halfway through and I have to admit, not much had actually happened by that stage.  Normally, I'd say that's a drawback, but I'd enjoyed the characters so much, I really wasn't that bothered.

It's not beyond criticism though.  The film-makers managed to cast legendary Tony 'Candyman' Todd in it (you'll probably notice him in ALL the marketing!) yet his role is little more than an extended cameo, which is a shame as he would definitely have made the film - even - better being in it for longer.

For the first half I was impressed with how characters act sanely (not always common in a horror/slasher film!), but - unfortunately - some tend to make silly mistakes in the second half simply to move the plot to where it needs to go.  Plus the monster isn't on screen for very long, but it's a nicely gruesome masked man in a costume, so I guess it's forgivable due to budget.

Overall, I really enjoyed this.  I'd loved to have seen it as a 'Twin Peaks' style miniseries, but I'll take what I can get!

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Craving (2023) - Highs and lows

I'm a big fan of low-budget gorefest 'Feast' which is about a bar full of people who are under siege from some monsters.  Nope, it certainly won't win any Oscars and was definitely not written by Shakespeare, but it was damn good fun.  And, if that's what you're looking for at the time, 'Feast' would fit the bill.

Here, in 'Craving,' there's a similar set-up - a group of strangers are barricaded up in a bar and there's a creature going to wreck havoc.  Okay, there are bits that are different.  Here, the bar is under siege from a group of people who say that there's actually a monster inside and they're there to kill it (or everyone inside in the process!).

One of the major differences is that there are a lot of 'explanation' flashbacks which tell you the backstory for various characters.  It does add more 'story' to 'Craving,' but the downside is that it does feel a bit like 'filler' and it tends to slow the movie down a bit.

But the performances are good and there are people here who are slightly different to the average cast of monster films, i.e. teenagers (played by twenty-somethings) who just run around screaming, so that's something, plus the special effects deserve a mention.  There's a lot of gore and the film-makers really lean into the 'splatter' in general, giving the film a bit of an 'over-the-top' feel.

There's definitely good points in this movie and it's worth a watch if you can find it on a streaming platform for part of your package, but it does get a bit confusing sometimes with all the 'reasons' why people are doing what they're doing and who they're double-crossing.  It may have just been better leaving it to be just a bar under siege from a monster.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

It Came From Below (2021) - The Descent did it better

Wow, there's really not that much to say about this low budget horror film - I guess you could sum it up with the phrase 'four teenagers run round in the dark.' I don't mind that a movie doesn't have a colossal special effects budget or no well-known actors, but the one thing a film has to be is entertaining.  And this isn't.

A girl's dad gets murdered while caving in England.  Before he dies in hospital he tells her that he saw monsters down there.  Now she's a teenager, she wants to go and see what killed him.  She takes three other 'friends' along for the ride, but one of them seems to hate her, so maybe I missed the bit about why the other girl came with the party (the dialogue was kind of muffled here and there!).

With such a small cast you won't see a major 'pile up' of bodies until the final act.  The film's short, but feels a damn sight longer.  The teens just run around in near darkness while something - probably - chases them.  Rinse and repeat.  When a nasty does finally off one of them any gore and special make-up effects are minimalised by the use of 'shaky-cam' to help disguise just how low budget everything really is.

'The Descent' was made years ago and yet still holds up to this day.  It may never be in line for any Oscars, but it's a classic of the genre, whereas this one should just be left buried wherever in England it's supposed to take place.  Avoid.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Defcon-4 (1985) - Unfocused, but interesting

'Defcon-4' is a pretty hard film to describe as it kind of flits between genres here and there and also wanders in terms of its narrative.  If you saw the opening quarter of an hour then you'd be forgiven for thinking it may be some sort of low budget '2001: A Space Odyssey' type clone, as we'd introduced to three astronauts who are orbiting the Earth in a space station, armed with nuclear warheads.  When they detect war is breaking out below, they're under orders to fire.

However, the story then switches to Earth, a couple of months later when they land and find what's left of the planet - spoilers - a post apocalyptic wasteland filled with 'Mad Max' type gangs of cannibals.

I won't go into too many details regarding what happens next, as, due to the winding narrative, it probably won't go where you think it might.  Characters you think are the main stars tend to disappear in one way or another.  Some return, others definitely don't.  New characters are brought in and then discarded again, while those you think behave one way will suddenly have a random change of heart and switch motivations.

Basically, the story is a bit of a mess.  This is certainly a drawback, but it doesn't actually make the film unwatchable, simply because of the overall tale and you'll be curious to see how it eventually pans out.

It may be a bit of a low budget B-movie, but the acting is certainly nothing to be sneered at - they all play their part well and the overall atmosphere is suitably bleak.  There's little in the way of music - a few scores here and there, but you'll probably go through the whole film without even really noticing it.  If you're interested in post apocalyptic thriller/action series that were set in the eighties then this one is worth a watch if you can find it cheaply (or, better still, free!).

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Raking (2017) - Should have fast forwarded more of it

'The Raking' is a horror movie that, if you tuned in midway through, you'd probably think it looked pretty reasonable - for a general B-movie of its genre.  It has a high (again, for the genre) definition feel to it (although, was it me or did the camera slip out of focus here and there?) with reasonable acting talent.  And, because of this, I stuck with it until the end.

The story is about five college students who take a field trip out into the American wilderness in order to complete an assignment, but naturally fall foul of a local monster.  A decent enough premise, but there just isn't enough that's different to make it stand out.

Unfortunately, there's not really much here to recommend, as it's pretty run-of-the-mill.  The characters are quite unlikable and bland (although, as mentioned, the acting and script aren't as bad as others) and - naturally - played by actors about twice as old as the teenagers they're supposed to be.

It's kind of split into three 'acts.' The beginning has the students arrive at the desert (bumping into the obligatory 'wise man' who gives a vague warning as to what horrors they may face) then instantly get attacked.  The second part is the longest - and most forgettable - as it's all in one house where the characters just talk.  Then you have the final bit where the blood starts to flow - and is about the best (and shortest) section.

When you see the monster it's really nothing special.  It's a nice enough mask, but it's just a guy in a costume and reminded me of one of the 'extra' vampires you could see in the background of the classic 'From Dusk to Dawn.'

Like I say, I stuck with it because it always felt like someone was going to happen to make my investment worth it.  Yeah, the last ten minutes picked up the pace, but, apart from that, I could probably have fast forwarded a lot more and not missed out on anything.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back