Wings of the Apache (Firebirds) - A true car crash of a film.  I couldn’t look away

‘Wings of the Apache’ is a truly awful film.  I can find little good to say about it.  During the first five minutes I was ‘on the edge of my seat’ only in a bad, jaw-droppingly amazed kind of way.  I’ve watched many bad films over the year.  I normally turn them off.  However, I sat all the way through this one’s one hour and seventeen minute runtime.  I really couldn’t avert my eyes.

Most people describe ‘Wings of the Apache’ as ‘Top Gun with helicopters.’ Yeah, I think that’s a reasonable description, only Top Gun was watchable for different reasons.  The opening five minutes I spoke about is basically Nicholas Cage narrating over a bland action scene involving a helicopter dogfight over some mountains.  Now, I’m no expert, but I seem to remember the first rule of storytelling is ‘show, don’t tell.’ Yet Cage just tells us what’s happening in a monotone voice.  Apparently, the drugs cartels are now using helicopters to shoot down American helicopters.  Does this actually happen in real life?  Never mind, it does here.  And Nicholas Cage – being the only guy who’s seen the cartel’s helicopter in action – must lead the charge against the lone chopper.

He’s ably aided by Tommy Lee Jones – a great actor in his own right, now reduced to barking orders in the most stereotypical ‘drill instructor’ way possible.  Plus there’s a love interest.  Guess where that subplot goes?

So Nick, Tommy and the token woman must train to fight the baddie then fight the baddie then save the day.  Hardly inspiring, but I think the most unforgivable element of the film is the editing.  It’s just bad.  It’s like every shot has been filmed separately to every other one and then spliced together – badly.  There’s a slight pause between when someone answers the person original speaking, making conversations seem stilted (assuming the dialogue spoken was any good to begin with – and nine times out of ten it isn’t).

So, in case you haven’t got the drift of what I’ve been saying, ‘Wings of the Apache’ is just bad.  And I watched it all until the last credit rolled.  Now I’ve seen it, I wonder why I did and yet I’m also curious as to why I may – one day – even watch it again, just to remind myself how bad it was.  It’s bad, but bordering on that so-bad-it’s-good kind of way.  If you’re prepared for that, it will certainly keep your eyes fixed on the screen for exactly one hour and seventeen minutes.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back