Byzantium - Why so serious?

Boy this movie is serious. I know every film shouldn't be like American Pie, but `Byzantium' is just soooo unbelievably serious and melodramatic at all times you feel as drained as you would be if you'd been sucked dry by a pair of roaming vampires.

Yes, the blood-suckers have been somewhat trivialised by the `Twilight' franchise. Here we have a more gritty portrayal of the undead, as a two hundred year young mother/daughter combo, wander England, never staying in any place for too long in case their bloodlust is ever detected.

It's not that original, but it does its best to be different to other portrayals of vampires. These girls can move around in daylight and, apart from their thirst for blood and immortality, are just like the rest of us. Or they would be if every one of us were completely miserable.

I could like the serious tone of the film if I could just like the two main characters. The mother - after two hundred years of existence - has only mastered one profession: prostitution, which she thinks her daughter should be eternally grateful for (because it `puts food on the table'). The daughter has also never bothered to learn anything in all her years and spends her time wandering around the place on her own (as opposed to getting a job which would mean she didn't have to spend her life disgusted with her mother's way of making money). In between murdering pensioners, she seems to have the innate desire to tell anyone who'll listen that she's really a vampire, despite obviously not realising that humanity probably doesn't want them living among them. Also, despite cracking less smiles than Kristen Stewart, the daughter somehow manages to attract an annoyingly innocent, sickly nerd who, if this was real life, would never have a chance with a pretty girl. He falls madly in love with her and it provokes problems because she's an immortal and he's not. And, suddenly, from out of nowhere, what was once the `anti-Twilight' suddenly turns into a bleaker instalment of the franchise without the action scenes and glittering vamps.

The story never really gets the chance to move forward, because every time it takes a step forwards, we're treated to a flashback which takes us two steps back. A couple of them would be fine, but it soon feels like half the (two hour) film is taken up with telling us things that happened hundreds of years ago. There's also a plot about people (slayers?) coming to hunt the vampires, but this isn't touched upon enough to really to give the girls an element of danger.

However, I've looked at other reviews and some people say `finally... a good vampire movie.' Maybe I've been too blinded by Twilight to appreciate Byzantium, but I just found this too slow and the characters too unlikeable to be watchable for two hours. Pity - I really wanted to like this.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back