Star Crash - I have many powers

Did you ever watch the episode of ‘South Park’ where the four central boys are playing ninjas?  In it Eric Cartman frequently annoyed his friends by inventing new ‘super powers’ which got him out of any given (play) situation in their game. ‘Star Crash’ basically does that.

If ‘Hawk the Slayer’ is the best ’bad movie’ ever made which is set in the land of ‘sword and sorcery,’ then ‘Star Crash’ is the best ‘bad movie’ ever set in space (the two do tend to go hand in hand on many levels).  It’s hard to believe that Star Crash was made only a year after – arguably – one of the greatest films ever made – Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope.

Star Crash not so much plays homage to, but completely rips off George Lucas’ seminal work of art.  Only Star Crash has the budget of a pensioner’s weekly shop at Aldi.

It’s at this point that I should say, ‘Don’t watch Star Crash!’ You’ll hate it.  Largely, because it’s awful.  Like Hawk the Slayer, you’ll only enjoy it if you have an appreciation for so-bad-they’re-good movies, or you watched in on TV in the eighties and actually were too young to realise just how bad it was.

If you excuse the wooden acting and lousy special effects (space ships that you can see the ‘rails’ they’re running on) you’re still left with the nonsensical plot, involving a benevolent space Emperor (who appears doped up on Prozac most of the time) charging two random smugglers to go and destroy the evil space Count and his entire planet/space station/army.  Of course our kindly Emperor could have just sent his entire space fleet to do that, but never mind.

And, as the ‘story’ (and I use that term lightly) progresses, each scene gets more ludicrous than the last.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it ALWAYS does.  I’ve mentioned how all the characters invent new (and never previously mentioned) super powers every time they need them.  Well, that minor plot point just pales in comparison to how bizarre the total failure to adhere to basic physics.  Example... soldiers fire themselves inside torpedoes through space which smash through a space station’s windows (yes, windows) only for a gunfight to ensue.  Of course, as most people know, smashing a window in space creates a vacuum which will suck everyone out.  It doesn’t.  Never mind.  This is Star Crash.  Realism is not its strong point.

Like I’ve said, Star Crash is awful.  I love it.  I’m a sucker for rubbish films.  And I watched it on TV in the eighties.  If you can’t appreciate bad film, steer well clear.  I wouldn’t recommend this film to anyone I didn’t know well.  Know what you’re in for before you dare to brave this wonderful travesty of film-making.

Then again... if you’ve seen the outfits Caroline Munro wears, you may not care about anything else that happens in the film (lads only).

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one