Conan the Barbarian (2011) – In a world without Arnie

Long ago in a magical land, nine rings were forged - some for the elves, some for men and some for dwarves, but then a dark lord came along and... oh, wait, wrong film.  However, the opening recap that Morgan Freeman so stoically narrates could be mistaken for the opening to ‘Fellowship of the Ring’ (albeit without the drama).

Yes, it had to happen - even a Schwarzenegger film can be remade.  Although Arnie's Conan outing is looking a bit dated these days and can hardly be described as his finest hour, do we really need an updated version?  Hollywood says yes.

So, `Not Arnie' is now Jason Momoa - a skirt-wearing barbarian in `Not Middle Earth' whose father dies at the hand of some of the world's ugliest baddies who wear menacing black armour (and a witch who is the coolest of the lot).  A fair bit of the film is dedicated to Conan as a child and his interaction/training from his father (Ron Perlman).  Okay, so obviously most of it is with Momoa, but I’m mentioning the bit when he was a child because there was so little of this ‘backstory’ in Arnie’s version.  Anyway, the nasties who destroy his village when he was a boy happen to spare his life and roll off into the sunset while dragging a massive galleon around with them through whatever part of the so-so 3D computer-generated `Not Middle Earth.' Why?  I don't know, but they seem to like having their own ship with them while on land.  It also made me wonder why, in the time period between him being a boy and growing into a man, apparently this group of baddies was so hard to find!

Anyway, `Not Arnie' (sorry, Jason – I can’t help it!) then meets the last attractive female left in `Not Middle Earth' and protects her from the leader of the ugly baddies, whose sole motivation is to ‘be bad and take over the world’ (about as well-developed as your average MCU villain!) by getting pieces of what looks like a burned computer-generated Facehugger (from ‘Alien’) on his face and sacrificing the female lead to pay homage to ‘Willie’s near demise in ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.’ She, in turn, from being a priestess becomes almost as good a swordsman as Conan within the hour (how much do you want to bet that she gets captured in the final act?).

Yes, the special effects are an improvement on the original, the 3D didn't do much for me, but the story is nothing new.  Everything is pretty run-of-the-mill when it comes to the narrative.  You could almost write it yourself, so don't expect any dramatic plot twists.  The blood flows quite freely for gore-hounds, but is a little darker than the real stuff.

Verdict: occasional use of slow-motion special effects doth not make a remake (even if part of it does try to emulate Pirates of the Caribbean midway through the film).  It’s just yet another pointless remake that relies on the name to sell the film, rather than trying to produce anything new.  I know I’m sounding pretty down on the whole thing, but – believe it or not – it’s not actually that bad.  It does the job if you’re looking for a ‘sword and sorcery’ type action film.  It’s just a shame it really needed to be made.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights