Gods of Egypt - Well, I gave it a go

Once upon a time there was a director called Alex Proyas who made excellent films which really stuck with me and shaped my youth (think ‘The Crow’ and ‘Dark City’).  Even his later, and slightly less well-received, films like ‘Knowing’ and ‘I Robot’ were pretty damn good and are often re-watched in my DVD collection.  Therefore, when I saw his name attached to ‘Gods of Egypt’ I naturally knew I’d be watching it.  However, I didn’t see it immediately and therefore became aware of the general consensus surrounding its appeal.  In a nut-shell – everyone hated it!  Could this really be true?

In short.  Yes.

I’ll tell you now… this review is basically just going to be a list of things I hated in the film.  Much of the critics’ scorn came due to the alleged ‘whitewashing’ of roles which should really have gone to actors from/or around Egypt.  Instead, we were treated to your pretty run-of-the-mill white actors playing characters who hailed from that area of the world.  Whether that bugs you or not, it turned out to be the least of the film’s sins!  Right from the off we meet a good king.  We know he’s a GOOD king because he’s clearly nice and his adoring crowd are all cheering from him.  He also has a nice son.  We know he’s a NICE son because the crowd seem to love him, too.  Oh, and he can change into a huge winged beast if he gets angry, but the general populous don’t seem to hold that against him.  However, mid ceremony, they get attacked by a baddie.  We know he’s a BADDIE because he’s bad and starts killing people before demanding the nation bows down to worship him.  Now, I know I’m using some pretty simplistic language, but that’s just how the film is – simple.  These characters are possibly the most clichéd, wafer-thin, cardboard cut-outs ever to grace modern cinema.  The dialogue could be written by a child and it’s practically laughable at how basic everything is for such a big budget production.  And it doesn’t end there.  We later meet a young, idealistic hero.  Then his love interest.  Another baddie or so and yadder, yadder, yadder.

And that’s just the characters.  Once our perfectly-formed hero sets off on his quest to get his girl and kill the bad guy he embarks on a journey that looks like it was created on a Playstation 2.  Yes, I know you’d have to use a certain amount of computer-generated effects when dealing with mythical beasts whacking each other on the steps of the pyramids, but this really looks low-budget.
Basically, Alex Proyas’ directing skills don’t go anywhere near to saving this disaster of a film.  Okay, I may be being too harsh.  I am a fully-grown adult who has been watching films for many years and has pretty much seen it all.  Gods of Egypt may have its place for young boys under ten who haven’t seen a mythical action film before.  Yes, it would probably appeal to them – until they see Indiana Jones or something like that.  For everyone else -  avoid.

2/10 Scuzzier than the leftover goo from a Queen alien's egg sack