Bionic Ever After (1994) - Not even good bad cheese

It’s a shame when a reunion movie has the potential for nostalgic fun but ends up feeling more like a contractual obligation than a genuine continuation. 'Bionic Ever After' is a TV movie meant to unite The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman in some sort of 'team up movie' (long before Marvel perfected the formula!) where they get married.  Sadly, the team-up doesn't even end up being charming in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way.

The biggest problem is its unmistakable 'made-for-TV' feel, which drains any chance of campy enjoyment. Instead of leaning into the silliness of bionic secret agents in love, it plays things painfully straight. The result isn’t cheesy fun — it’s just dull.  The dialogue is hampered by its unoriginal script, making the poor actors feel stiff and awkward.  Even seasoned leads Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner struggle to inject life into their lines and you can almost see them doing their best to smile through material that’s well beneath their talents.

Then there’s the complete lack of action — or even a sense of excitement — especially during the first half of the film.  Outside of someone being pushed into a body of water (yes, that’s apparently a major stunt here), the “bionic” in 'Bionic Ever After' feels like a forgotten concept.  When things finally pick up, it’s far too little, far too late.

To make matters worse, both leads, though beloved for their iconic roles, look too unfit here to convincingly sell the idea of “superhuman” agents. It’s less “bionic power” and more “nostalgic reunion dinner” where the leading man has eaten more than his share from the 'all you can eat' buffet.

In the end, 'Bionic Ever After' fails both as a romantic finale and as a sci-fi/action adventure. It’s a limp farewell that lacks spark, energy, or purpose — a film that never finds a tone worth sustaining.

3/10