Witchboard 2 (1993) - Possibly better than it had any right to be

I'd never even heard of 'Witchboard 2' when I decided I was in the mood for some low-budget horror, so I have no idea how it relates to 'part 1' (or even if there was a previous entry that ran narratively into this one).  So, going into 'Witchboard 2,' I really didn’t expect much.  It’s cheap, definitely looks like a made-for-TV movie and the premise isn’t exactly groundbreaking — another story about someone messing around with a Ouija board and getting more than they bargained for.  But, to my surprise, there was actually enough here to keep me entertained all the way through.

The movie leans into its cheap and cheerful charm and, while it’s not scary in any real sense, it moves along with just enough mystery and weirdness to stay engaging.  I even found myself taking a bit of cheeky enjoyment out of it — the kind where you realize you’re having more fun than you probably should be.  Some of the plot twists actually caught me off guard, which is more than I can say for plenty of bigger-budget horror flicks in general.

Sure, it’s not original and it has that unmistakable early-’90s “cable movie” feel, but for what it is, 'Witchboard 2' offers a solid dose of supernatural fun if you're in a particularly forgiving mood.  You could definitely do worse in the world of made-for-TV-style horror, especially if you can watch it for free like I did on a streaming service.

6/10

Marching Powder (2025) - Danny tries Trainspotting 

Believe it or not, I'm actually quite a fan of Danny Dyer.  I don't expect he'll ever win any Oscars, but he's watchable enough to be amusing if given the right role/material.  However, 'Marching Powder' tries hard to blend gritty realism with cheeky British humor, but the result feels a bit confused. The film seems to believe it can channel the spirit of 'Trainspotting' — complete with drug-fueled escapades, introspective monologues and moments of grim social commentary. Unfortunately, it lacks both the talent and the depth to pull it off.

Dyer, while a decent enough actor in the right role, struggles here with the dramatic readings of his lines. His trademark cockney banter and rough-edged charm aren't up to the film’s attempts at serious character development.  It’s as if someone thought, “What if we made a cockney version of Trainspotting?” — only to forget that those introspective, tortured inner monologues don’t quite land without an actor of Ewan McGregor’s emotional range and sheer antihero qualities.

The film isn’t without merit: a few scenes carry that familiar Dyer energy and the direction captures the grime and chaos of London’s underbelly and social tensions.  But the tone is all over the place — one moment it’s a dark comedy, the next it’s a gritty morality play and neither fully sticks the landing.

In the end, 'Marching Powder' feels like a a decent attempt for Dyer to try to be more than his previous roles, but, although it wants to be profound, it ends up as a muddled showcase of him doing only bits of what he does best.

5/10

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) - One big yawn

After the surprisingly okay 'Halloween 4,' here we have the fifth entry in the long-running slasher series which takes a noticeable step back (we're not including the 'Marmite-esque 'Halloween 3: Season of the Witch,' as that didn't feature Michael Myers as the antagonist).  'Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers' tries to continue the story of Jamie Lloyd and her relentless, masked uncle, but the result is a sluggish and unfocused sequel that lacks any of the previous tension and atmosphere that made the 1978 original a classic.

The pacing is one of the biggest letdowns here. For a film about a silent killer (in an inside out William Shatner mask!) stalking small-town victims, Halloween 5 takes way too long to get going, with long stretches where nothing really happens.  The original suspense of John Carpenter’s original are replaced with meandering scenes and virtually no character development.  And, while we're on the subject of the 'characters' (and I use that term loosely!), almost everyone here is hard to like.  The teens are written as generic horror cannon fodder and even Jamie—played again by Danielle Harris—feels more like a plot device than a fully realized person this time around.

Donald Pleasence returns as Dr. Loomis and he gives his usual committed, slightly unhinged performance.  At least his intensity provides a few memorable moments, but even his larger-than-life presence can’t save the muddled story or elevate its dull execution.  By this point, Loomis’s obsession with stopping Michael feels more repetitive than anything else.

Despite Pleasence’s dedication, 'Halloween 5' fails to capture the suspense or spirit of any of its predecessors (I even preferred 'part 3' or any of the Rob Zombie remakes!).  With its slow pace, unlikable cast, and lack of real scares, it’s one of the weaker and more forgettable sequels in the franchise.

4/10

The Island of the Fishermen (1979) - I was expecting Peter Weller to turn up!

Alright, let’s not kid ourselves — 'Screamers; starts off slow. The kind of slow where you might check your watch and wonder if you accidentally tuned into an old TV sea adventure instead of a horror flick. It’s got that very ‘70s, old-fashioned vibe — you know, the kind where every line of dialogue feels like it’s setting up something you’ve already guessed five minutes ago.

Well, it's got all the B-movie greatest hits here: a mad scientist doing questionable ocean experiments, a greedy rich guy plundering nature’s treasures and a bunch of hapless folks who clearly haven’t seen a monster movie before (as it doesn't end well for the cast of extras!). It’s predictable as hell — but weirdly charming about it.

Then comes the second half, where things finally start to splash. The “monsters” show up — and, oh boy, they’re literally guys in giant fish suits.  At first, it’s impossible not to laugh… but give them a few minutes and, somehow, they start to grow on you. Like rubbery, bug-eyed goldfish who just want to be loved (and dump a load of priceless treasure at your feet - bless 'em!)..

It’s not scary, it’s not original and it’s not winning any awards for pacing — but if you’re in a forgiving mood and fancy some classic creature-feature cheese, 'Screamers' is a surprisingly fun little dive into schlocky waters.

6/10 — predictable, fishy, but good fun once it gets going

Black Roses (1988) - Tennis racket vs demon

'Black Roses' is one of those 80s horror films that starts off a bit rough around the edges but gradually grows on you.  Technically, it’s far from amazing — the acting is uneven, the effects are cheap with the 'monsters' being little scarier than a slightly above average Halloween mask and the pacing wobbles — but, as the story unfolds, it somehow becomes more entertaining.

The film follows a demonic heavy metal band corrupting the youth of small town America, one by one.  While that premise may scream 'cult classic,' what really seals the deal is how seriously it’s all played. There’s no wink to the camera, or detour into parody — 'Black Roses' commits fully to its ridiculous premise without ever veering off into how cheesy it truly is.

And yet, despite all that seriousness, the movie is actually loaded with deadpan cheese.  It’s this straight-faced delivery that makes moments like the now-infamous scene where a school teacher fights a demon with a tennis racket utterly hysterical (Ash from 'Evil Dead' only had a chainsaw and boomstick to do this!) — possibly one of the most unintentionally funny sequences in 80s horror.

For fans of the genre, 'Black Roses' delivers just the right mix of cheap creature effects and rock-fueled absurdity to keep things fun once it gets going. It may not be technically good, but it’s never boring and sometimes, that’s all that matters.

6/10

Ghosthouse (1988) - Nice touches, but ultimately forgettable

'Ghosthouse' is one of those many 80s horror films that tries to cash in on the success of better-known supernatural chillers but never quite finds its own way.  It generally relies on the typical haunted house tropes, ghostly children and (admittedly nice practical) gory set pieces into a package that produces nothing we haven't seen before many times in the genre.

Admittedly, there are a couple of moments where 'Ghosthouse' shows flashes of potential. As I said, some of the practical gore effects are actually quite nasty, especially during the film’s more violent opening.  Then you have the eerie children’s tune that recurs throughout the movie which is genuinely unsettling—it’s easily the most memorable thing about the film. 

Unfortunately, everything else falls flat. The characters are instantly forgettable, delivering bland dialogue that sounds like it was translated twice before filming.  I probably shouldn't be too harsh on the actors, as they're given very little to work with and it’s hard to care about anyone as they wander through the cobweb-covered sets waiting for their inevitable doom.  The story itself follows such a predictable path that even the occasional burst of violence can’t liven things up.

In the end, 'Ghosthouse' is a reminder that not every 1980s horror film deserves cult status. While there are some nice moments and that haunting tune, the dull characters, uninspired script and formulaic plot make this one an easy skip—especially when there are so many better, more memorable cult classics from the decade to choose from.

3/10

Bionic Ever After (1994) - Not even good bad cheese

It’s a shame when a reunion movie has the potential for nostalgic fun but ends up feeling more like a contractual obligation than a genuine continuation. 'Bionic Ever After' is a TV movie meant to unite The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman in some sort of 'team up movie' (long before Marvel perfected the formula!) where they get married.  Sadly, the team-up doesn't even end up being charming in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way.

The biggest problem is its unmistakable 'made-for-TV' feel, which drains any chance of campy enjoyment. Instead of leaning into the silliness of bionic secret agents in love, it plays things painfully straight. The result isn’t cheesy fun — it’s just dull.  The dialogue is hampered by its unoriginal script, making the poor actors feel stiff and awkward.  Even seasoned leads Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner struggle to inject life into their lines and you can almost see them doing their best to smile through material that’s well beneath their talents.

Then there’s the complete lack of action — or even a sense of excitement — especially during the first half of the film.  Outside of someone being pushed into a body of water (yes, that’s apparently a major stunt here), the “bionic” in 'Bionic Ever After' feels like a forgotten concept.  When things finally pick up, it’s far too little, far too late.

To make matters worse, both leads, though beloved for their iconic roles, look too unfit here to convincingly sell the idea of “superhuman” agents. It’s less “bionic power” and more “nostalgic reunion dinner” where the leading man has eaten more than his share from the 'all you can eat' buffet.

In the end, 'Bionic Ever After' fails both as a romantic finale and as a sci-fi/action adventure. It’s a limp farewell that lacks spark, energy, or purpose — a film that never finds a tone worth sustaining.

3/10