The Three Musketeers - Or rather... the Three Musketweens 

The latest version of The Three Musketeers is rated a 12 certificate in the UK. Make note: 12. Basically, if you're much older than that (and sadly I'm in my thirties) you're not going to get much out of this film (apart from staring at Milla Jovovich).

It retells the classic story about the three musketeers and D'artagnan teaming up to... oh, I forget. There were baddies in it with varying accents (all actors were allowed to keep their native tongues making characters' nationalities difficult to guess) and most of them dressed like Monty Python characters. Throw some over the top computer special effects and fight scenes into the mix - the latter being slowed down like something out of the Matrix then completely rewrite history adding laser guns in the eighteenth century (okay, no lasers, but airships and rotating machinegun type things were pretty far-fetched) and you have a `blockbuster' on your hands.

However, the Three Musketeers will only be classed as the epic blockbuster it tries so hard to be if it erases all cinema knowledge you possess. It borrows so many things from so many films and genres, everything it is gets too diluted. The characters are typical MTV generation wise-cracking, unfazable self-assured types who never put so much as a hair out of place (talking of hair - what's with D'Artagnan's? It's possibly the worst haircut in modern film history).

Bottom line - it's predicable. You've seen it all done before and better (and probably with more believable computer special effects).

This one's for the kids. If I want an rip-roaring `adult' adventure for all the family, I'll stick to Indiana Jones (minus the Crystal Skull of course).

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Kruger was haunting your nights