Drainiac! (2000) - I don't know what I was expecting

I've decided that any film whose title is effectively a pun really is not going to live up to much. 'Drainiac!' is one hell of a low-budget horror film which tries its best to add some humour into the bargain.  It's fair to say that it succeeds and fails in everything it tries to do.

A house is possessed and the teenagers who are trying to clean it fall foul of the entity lurking in the building's pipes.  It may have a low budget, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the script has to be bad.  However, here's it's pretty amateur at best.  Sometimes the dialogue really grates as some words are used again and again.  Plus the characters are pretty one dimensional.  You'll know whether someone is going to make it or not simply because they're completely unlikable from the moment they appear on screen.

Although, props to the film-makers when it came special effects.  There's some computer work done here and there (which is a bit ropey), but the majority is actually in the form of the lost art of 'stop motion' and it's actually quite inventive and makes the most out of the limited budget.

I think I laughed about once at some lines which were supposed to be humorous, but quite often the laughs fell foul.  Plus the kids seemed to be quite casual about the situation they found themselves in, laughing and joking almost right up until the end.  There's some nudity thrown in there, too.  It's pretty unnecessary in terms of the plot, but I'm guessing the scene will certainly appeal to some people.

Overall, the film's okay.  I may be dwelling on the negatives, but I could have turned it off at any point and I didn't.  That's more than I can say for a fair few horror films I've had the misfortune to stumble on via streaming services.  Can't think of anything to particularly recommend this one for, but it's not as terrible as it could have been.  I guess the title still amuses me.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Bong of the Living Dead (2017) - Hit and miss (but more hits, I guess)

Due to nearly fifty years of watching zombie movies, me and my friends have spent many drunken evenings rambling about what we'd do should the undead ever rise and threaten what little brains we have. 'Bong of the Living Dead' is almost my life story after a few pints (only minus the actual ghouls).

Six friends, all of which are well versed in 'zombie lore,' find they are actually caught up in an apocalyptic situation when the dead rise from their graves and start biting anyone with a heartbeat.  For a fan of the genre, there was a lot to enjoy.  Zombies have been back in fashion for a couple of decades now and even my mum knows that if one should show up, all you have to do is destroy the brains and you're okay.  Therefore, I've kind of grown tired of other films where characters see a zombie and spend half the film shooting and attacking them in every part of their body apart from the head - until they finally figure it out.

This story skips all that and spends its time poking fun of the conventions and cliches that come with the genre.  And it's all good.  In fact, some of the 'in-jokes' and 'movie-related' meta humour is some of the highlights.  However, it had its drawbacks.  Namely one character who seems to be in the first half a lot more than he's in the second.  He just chews the scenery at every opportunity and if I was forced to survive the zombie apocalypse with him I'd happily offer my tasty brain to the first flesh-eater who was passing my whichever shopping mall I was holding up in.  Secondly, there's a woman who - and this could just be me - I couldn't understand.  She seemed to mumble all her lines and I had to keep rewinding the film to try and make out what she was on about.

Secondly, don't try to apply too much logic to this film. I guess it's all about the gags over the story.  First of all the humans seem to be well on top of the situation and the jokes stem from how everyone knows what to do therefore our protagonists' skills aren't needed.  Then it's like you turn over two pages at once and humanity has been wiped out, besides our stoner household.

Anyway, I'm just being picky.  If you're into your zombie movies and want to see a movie that is funny as it pokes fun of the genre, give this one a try.  Or just put 'Shaun of the Dead' on again - it's up to you.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Satanic Panic (2019) - Crazily amusing

I came up with the title to this review about three quarters of the way through the film.  I was really quite enjoying the stupidly-horrific black comedy.  However, the last act kind of let it down, but that's not as bigger negative as it could have been.

It's about a pizza delivery girl who regrets delivering to a well-to-do mansion, only to find it's the setting of a devil worshiping cult, hell bent on ushering in the next age of darkness.  Oh, and they're looking for a virgin.  And would you believe it, but the pizza delivery girl is a very - er - 'nice' young lady who just so fits the bill.

The bulk of the film is about the cult chasing her round the neighbourhood.  It's not an overly-long movie (and it doesn't need to be) and it moves nicely from one gory and over-the-top set-piece to the next.  It's actually quite fun, never really taking itself too seriously and definitely fitting into the 'black comedy' area of the horror genre.  However, the story's best assets are its characters.  The primary protagonist is very down-to-earth and very easy to root for.  Contrast this to the cult themselves who are deliciously over-the-top and evil, making a nice, simple contrast for the conflict which follows.

Overall, it was a lot of fun to watch.  But I did mention the ending.  I saw another couple of reviews mentioning they had problems with the endings.  And I get where they're coming from.  It's not a terrible ending which ruins the overall film, it just sort of comes out of nowhere and doesn't really feel like it was part of everything which had come before.  It's literally the last ten minutes, so, up until then, it's all good, daft, horrific fun, so don't let the 'left turn' that sort of comes out of nowhere spoil an otherwise enjoyable horror B-movie.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Armageddon (1998) - Yeah, I know it's dumb, but...

I remember watching 'Armageddon' back in the cinema back in 1998 (and probably on VHS soon afterwards).  And I enjoyed it.  It was fun.  And that was about all I really had to say about it.  I don't know why after nearly thirty years I decided that I needed to watch it again, but - for some reason I can't explain - it hit me on so many different levels.

No, I'm not saying it's an intellectual film with deep themes and layers.  I still think it's dumb fun - an asteroid is hurtling towards Earth, destined to wipe us all out and NASA's best plan is to send a rag-tag group of oil drillers led by Bruce Willis to plant a bomb on it before it hits us.  Yeah, I know - don't think about anything 'physics-related' when you watch this or you'll turn it right off.

Somewhere along the timeline of movie-making, Hollywood seemed to have stopped caring about good old-fashioned harmless fun (no matter how daft the premise!) and gave us dreary, tired and depressing tales of miserable people.

Michael Bay gets a lot of flack these days (mainly for butchering 'Transformers' lore!), but sometimes we forget just how well he can elicit emotion through his direction.  Yes, 'Armageddon' is very 'American, hell yeah!' There are plenty of the tropes that define his film-making techniques, i.e. helicopters, the stars and stripes flag and those weird explosions that seem to have fireworks contained within them, but here it all adds to the ride he takes you on.

Sure, some of the characters are a bit one-dimensional, but that doesn't mean you won't care about them when the mission gets underway.  The first half of the film could almost be described as a 'comedy' but when the crew finally come to terms with the stakes, the atmosphere changes to more dramatic tension.

'Armageddon' is no masterpiece.  It'll never rank as highly as 'true classics' like 'The Godfather' and 'Empire Strikes Back,' but it is just about as perfect as a movie that has the sole purpose of entertaining you can be.  If all you're looking for is to shut your brain off and enjoy the ride, then this is the two hour spectacle for you (okay, there is a bit of over-acting here and there that made me roll my eyes back in 98 and hasn't aged that well, but, apart from that, the rest is sound!).

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

The Pit (1981) - So glad I found this

Just when I thought I'd watched every last horror offering the seventies and eighties have to offer, I find an absolute gem like 1981's 'The Pit' and I realise how many low-budget classics I must have missed.  I had no idea what I was in for when I sat down to watch this, only that it was 'horror.' It certainly is - of a type.

It's about a troubled young twelve-year-old boy who, when he isn't talking to his bedraggled teddy bear (imaginatively named 'Teddy'), he's either watching fully-grown women getting undressed through their bedroom windows or visiting some local monsters who live down the titular 'pit.'

You could almost say there's too much going on here.  You could have a boy who talks to a killer toy as the premise for the film.  Or you can have a young peeping tom working his way through the town's female population.  Or you can just have something monster-related. 'The Pit' goes for broke and weaves all three together.

If someone had told me that those three themes would all be included, I'd be afraid that the end product would be a bit of a mess.  Not here.  For some reason, it actually works.  Perhaps it's due to the performance of the young man at the centre of it all.  There's no doubt he's hardly someone we should look up to, but he's played with just enough sympathy for us to follow his journey.  

There are other characters in the film, such as the boy's live-in babysitter who he's madly in love with (you know this will hardly turn out well!) and other people sort of come and go through the movie and you won't really notice them missing until they turn up at the bottom of the pit.

There's not much in the way of gore and the monster effects are so-so, but probably quite good for a low-budget movie.  It's the central performance which carries it all and elevates this over so many forgettable similar films.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Goblin (2010) - Yeah, so... that was a thing

Sometimes it's best to review a film before it completely slips from your memory.  This is one such time.  I can't really think of anything really bad about 2010's 'Goblin,' but then I can't think of anything particularly positive to say about it.  I guess that's why it's probably the definition of mediocre.

Long ago, blah, blah, blah, supernatural shenanigans, blah, blah, blah, now we have a monster running round the woods killing people.  And we have our horror movie.

Only the 'horror' element doesn't really start until around the halfway mark.  The first forty-five minutes are all taken up with 'character growth,' only the characters aren't that special.  In fact, the lead actress plays quite an unlikable teenage girl who you'll find it hard to root for.  The others are your typical horror movie stereotypes.  If you've ever seen another similar film you'll know exactly who will live and who will die.  All dialogue within the first fifteen minutes is basically exposition and the addition of an old local man who delivers a warning to the main cast adds to the cliches.  

At least the second half picks up a bit when the goblin itself makes more appearances.  There's not much in the way of gore, but the creature is actually quite nicely designed, so props there, I guess.  But the film just seems to feel far longer than its ninety minute runtime.  Granted I was watching it on a streaming service, but every time I paused it and saw how far through I was I expected to be half to three quarters of the way through, only to find that either twenty or thirty minutes had passed.

Weirdly, my main gripe came about halfway through when I realised that, despite it being set on Halloween, most scenes took place during the day.  Granted, the climax was filmed at night, but I don't think I've ever seen a film set around this time that's supposed to be scary and have it filmed on a nice warm afternoon.

Maybe I'm being too harsh.  Like I say, it's not a bad film - there's just so many that do far better with equal or less of a budget.  Watch it if there's nothing else, but don't expect anything too memorable.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Final Summer (2023) - Was it meant to be this understated?

I'm no film historian, but I can roughly chart the style of the horror (slasher) movie genre throughout the last fifty years.  In the seventies they were gritty and dark, being labelled 'video nasties.' Then the eighties made them mainstream and each one tried to 'one up' its competition.  In some ways, the nineties were the final incarnation of the genre where films like 'Scream' parodied the original cliches associated with the genre.  Now, some twenty years later, with everything being already done, what's left to do?

In 'Final Summer's' case, the answer is: go back to the beginning.

I'm not sure whether I like the fact that, despite being made in modern day, it tries it's best to emulate the slasher movies of the eighties (even though it's set, for the most part, in 1991).  Doing this seems to have its pros and cons.  For a start, the film-makers have managed to make an entry into the genre which if you shot it through a wormhole back to the eighties then they'd probably think it was made then.  However, despite having over thirty years advantage on the genre, it would still be forgotten with all the others that tried to emulate the success of the 'greats' such as 'Friday 13th' and ultimately failed.

Yes, it's a slasher film.  Yes, it's stripped down to the bare bones of what the genre was like back in the eighties.  And, yes - sadly - it could get lost among the masses of similar movies made any time from the seventies to last week.  It's about kids at a summer camp being stalked by a masked killer in the woods.  All the cliches are there such as the overs3xed teens, incompetent police officers and stumbling through the woods when you could just run away.

Despite the film-makers intention being to try and make something that fitted more in back then than now, I think they've succeeded a little too well.  Back in the eighties films like this didn't have much of a budget.  And neither does this one.  This means that it doesn't have the money for anything from an original mask for the killer (looked more like one of the ones from 'Halloween III: Season of the Witch' - and we all know how highly regarded that one is thought of!).  But, more disappointingly, there's not much in the way of inventive kills or gore, let alone any characters you'll root for, let alone remember.

If this was the first of its kind ever made it would probably be remembered in the same league as 'Texas Chainsaw' and so on, but it's not.  It's a love letter to a time where movies didn't have the money to do much other than run through dark woods.  If you want to see that, it's not a terrible entry - it's just nothing we haven't already seen in the genre for the last fifty years.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights