Lovely Molly - Not so lovely film  

The Blair Witch marketing stamp is applied to yet another film. This time we're told that the writer/director of the cult classic which `redefined the horror genre' (depending on your opinion of three kids running round a wood at night) is at the helm of this latest frightfest `Lovely Molly.'

Once again, the use of `first person filming' is used for Lovely Molly, which tells the story of a newlywed couple who move into an old house in the middle of nowhere. However, when the husband is away driving for work, strange (and definitely not so lovely) things start to happen to Molly.

First of all the good: the performances. Everyone does very well with what they're given and the acting is pretty hard to fault. However, there's not an awful lot of characters. The husband is largely away and Molly spends much of her time experiencing things on her own (then going and telling her sister about it every few days).

The main problem with the film is that, although well-acted, it's really nothing we haven't seen before, i.e. walk round a creepy house and then get grabbed by some unseen supernatural force.
Yes, there's a story woken in there somewhere, but, ultimately, there's nothing new enough here to really make it stand out. The reason Blair Witch worked was because it was original (or at least revitalised a genre that had lain dormant for a long time). This time the film-makers just retreads well-worn ground.

It's okay, just nothing special enough to warrant elevating it over the other million similar horror movies out there right now.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

The Hunger Games - One for the kids  

The Hunger games is rated a 12 Certificate (in the UK at least) and that's probably for a reason. I'm guessing it means that no one OVER the age of twelve should bother to watch it.

I imagine that any twelve-or-under will be well and truly wowed at the terrible vision of a future gone bad, where the poor are hunted and laughed at by their evil rich oppressors. However, being a man in my thirties, I kind of found it all a bit patronising. The rich are portrayed as evil. The poor good. This (pretty unsubtle) message is then repeated for almost every one of the hundred and twenty minutes this film runs for.

A girl (with a silly name) is selected from one of the noble, long-suffering poor communities and forced to compete (i.e. kill) another twenty-three kids from neighbouring noble and poor districts. If fact, she wasn't even selected. She was the first ever volunteer for certain death, because her equally (but slightly more weedy) noble and poor younger sister was the one selected, but this noble and poor girl offered to die on her behalf. All the time this is beamed across the world for the evil rich people to enjoy.

Luckily, the film's noble and poor heroine is so noble and poor that, despite being a crack shot with a bow and arrow, she's too noble and pure to actually kill any of the other noble and poor kids (okay, she kills about one, but that's it). They kind of do each other in for her, making sure she stays noble and virtuous at all times.

Anyway, the first half of the film shows us how badly the noble and poor people are exploited by their evil and rich oppressors and the second half shows us how the noble and poor girl with the very silly name runs about not killing people in order to win.

I kept hearing other reviews talk about how The Hunger Games is `the new Twilight.' And they're probably right. Twilight was `vampires for children/teens' and The Hunger Games is sort of an action/romance film for teens. They'll love it.

Remember: poor = good. Rich = bad (just in case you didn't get the film's particularly unsubtle message).

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Friday The 13th: Part 5 - The most logical sequel (to date) and also the most maligned

Part 5 of the ‘Friday 13th’ franchise was not received well. It was largely due to part of the story that I won’t go into (as there are some out there who didn’t mind it and I won’t spoil it for them). However, on the rare chance you don’t know the story, it goes along the lines of a masked killer stalks and kills oversexed teens.

And, in Part 5, we have more than the normal number of oversexed teens to do away with. There is certainly more of a diverse bunch to be sliced and diced. This is a nice (and new) touch to the franchise, however, it does take away from the story’s central theme. It’s one of the rare films in the saga to continue from the last one. The child survivor of Part 4 (Tommy Jarvis) is now grown up and still having problems dealing with his childhood trauma with the masked killer, Jason Voorhees. This is actually quite a nice idea, but is always a sub-plot as the film concentrates on killing so many of the cast, leaving little if any time to continue Tommy’s tale.

Once again, you can tell who’s going to die and who’s not. Let’s face it... ‘bad’ people never last long in this sort of film (and Jason almost does the world a favour in getting rid of half the cast here!). Also, the death scenes are a little more imaginative and well thought out than in the predecessors.

However, for all that’s right with this film, fans still return to what’s wrong with it. Many believe that this film would have been better NOT being part of the Friday 13th franchise and being a stand alone film all together. However, if you’re in the mood for some gore, then you might get something out of this. Plus it has a ‘dance routine’ that’s almost as good as Crispen Glover’s from Part 4!

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Demolition Man - Stallone's `Total Recall' 

The nineties were famous for its action movies and the heroes who punched and shot their way through them. In the `friendly' rivalry between Stallone and Schwarzenegger, they both had their hits and misses. Demolition Man was not Stallone's biggest hit, but, then again, it certainly wasn't a miss.

Watching it nearly twenty years after it was made is still a joy. It's still, loud, proud, blatantly tongue-in-cheek in places and a great watch. Stallone is the cop, frozen in time along with his arch criminal nemesis, Snipes, and both of them defrosted in a (supposedly) utopian future, only to rage havoc once again.

There are plenty of jokes to go alongside the action and Sandra Bullock is great as the plucky lead (and you can see why her performance led on to her true breakthrough role in Speed a year later). And Nigel Hawthorne should also get a nod for his `futuristic version of Sir Humphrey' in San Angeles - great to see such a serious character actor trading insults with Hollywood's hard men!

If you like your action movies fun and light-hearted then Demolition Man stands up to the test of time. It may not be Rambo, Rocky or the Terminator franchise, but it deserves its place in nineties-action history (even if just for making the audience ask the question `Just what exactly was the deal with the `three seashells'?).

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Crank - Just don’t expect realism

My friend is a big Jason Statham fan.  I said to her, ‘You must have LOVED ‘Crank’ then?’ to which she said that – actually – she hated it.  Her reason was that it was too ‘unrealistic.’

So, perhaps straight off, I should warn people that if they’re expecting something majorly true to life and realistic then they better move on.  Crank is 100% not realistic.  There have been numerous parallels to video games (mainly the ‘Grand Theft Auto’ franchise) in as much as it’s stupidly over-the-top, but knowingly so – so that’s okay (in my book, anyway).

Jason ‘The Stath’ Statham, plays a hitman with a name that I can never remember how to spell and, one sunny morning in Los Angeles, he wakes up poisoned by a baddie and with less than an hour to live (but, it’s also worth noting that the film’s runtime is over an hour and a half, so we know that the Stath is going to last a little longer than his foe intended).  However, luckily for our cockney hero (yes, he’s not bothering with his faux U.S. accent) he soon figures out that if he keeps his adrenaline suitably raised then he’ll be okay (well, not okay, but won’t die instantly).

So, that’s basically the film – Jason Statham runs (literally!) from scene to scene, finding one weird and wonderful way of keeping his heart rate up while trying to track down and kill the person who did this to him (and, if there’s a genuine antidote out there, he’ll have that, too).  And that’s where the video game similarities start to ring true.  It does seem like Jason Statham is travelling from one ‘level’ to the next, fighting an ‘end-of-level-boss’ before moving on to the next.  What I’m trying to say is that there isn’t much of a story to it, so – again – if you’re expecting either realism or an in-depth story then you’re looking in the wrong place.

Me?  I like a film that’s totally unrealistic with no real story.  Therefore, I loved ‘Crank.’ Yes, it’s totally daft, but it never sets out to be anything other than a completely ridiculous action film that’s filmed like a cool ‘MTV-style’ music video.  If it wasn’t for the fact that Jason Statham is a sex symbol for women, I may be almost tempted to say that Crank is a ‘guy’s film.’ Either way, it’s a type of film that you’ll either love or hate.  I can’t see film critics appreciating it much.  You don’t need much brain power to ‘get’ it – just be in the mood for something both action-packed and low brow.  This is definitely it.

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

Blade - The Marvel movie that set the ball rolling

Back in the nineties, DC (comic book) movies seemed to rule the big screen (i.e. Batman and Superman being the main two) whereas Marvel (comic book) movies seemed to be destined to fill up TV stations with men in skin-tight lycra running around throwing weak punches here and there.

Then came Blade. Blade is not your typical superhero and this isn't your typical superhero movie. He's half human and half vampire and he spends his time ridding the world of the undead. And he does this in more of a brutal way that your average superhero.

Since Blade, Marvel seemed to realise how to make a superhero movie and since then, it's overtaken the DC universe. Maybe it's because Blade is such a broad movie - it's action, horror and superhero movie all rolled into one. Of course it's definitely not a comedy. There are few moments of light relief as it's pretty serious through and through.

If you like `classic vampire movies' (i.e. before Twilight) then you should give this a try. It's quite an epic from start to finish. It spawned two sequels, the first of which was actually almost as good as the first (some say better), whereas the second one left audiences split.

However, the original is definitely a stand out movie. Anyone who likes horror, action, martial arts or superhero movies should love it.

Now all we need is a `Blade vs Twilight' movie. I for one would pay good money to see him rid the world of creatures with big, sculpted hair who twinkle while they pout at teenage schoolgirls.

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

Arena - Standard B-movie (plus Samuel L Jackson)  

Some guy (who cares - he's the hero) gets abducted by one of those sinister organisations who stage online fights to the death to amuse the masses when X-Factor isn't on telly. He has to fight for his freedom, or escape, or do something like that.

Let's face it, the only reason this got made is because Samuel L Jackson is in it. By and large, the acting is terrible from everyone - even the man himself. He's okay, but he could act his way through this with his eyes closed. Although why he chose to do this film while he is still being offered projects like The Avengers in anyone's guess!

The fight scenes aren't bad. They have added `cool' effect to them thanks to some trendy slow-mo, but the story (and I use the word `story' in its loosest possible terms) is predictable and riddled with cliches (and `twists' you can see coming a mile off). However, despite all this, the film isn't totally unwatchable.

For some reason it's not that bad. If you don't mind your films pretty dumbed down and badly acted then get a couple of beers in plus an extra large bucket of popcorn, put your mind on hold and watch the (CGI) blood flow.

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Kruger was haunting your nights