Walden (2023) - Nice little film

Just watched this one on a streaming service and, I don't know whether it's the general quality of the films on that particular service, but this one seemed a cut above the rest.  I'm not sure about this movie's production history, i.e. whether it ever got a theatrical release, or was just one more piece of content destined to go straight to DVD (or 'steaming service' these days).  But, either way, it does actually feel like it has a decent budget which can afford good actors and a tight script that does make it stand out.

It's about an unassuming court scribe who everyone overlooks and therefore would never expect that he has a tendency to 'do away with' any criminals who don't get what they deserve in the courtroom.  

I won't go into any more detail regarding the rest of the plot as I don't want to spoil it, as this one is actually worth watching if you find it online.  No, it's probably not worth paying the full price of a cinema admission, but definitely better than the sludge that you find clogging up most streaming services.

There are a few times where you have to suspend your disbelief in order to let the film continue (in real life I'm guessing the story would end much earlier!), but it's still enjoyable enough to watch.

7/10

The Shed (2019) - Some films are good dumb fun, other are just...

What would you do if you have a vampire trapped in the shed at the bottom of your garden?  Now, I can't see what you're thinking, but I'm guessing whatever it is is a million times more sensible than any decision all the characters make in this film.

Hey, I'm happy to suspend my disbelief in order to enjoy the more 'out there' stories like those containing monsters and the supernatural.  But it still has to be believable - adhering to the rules which are applicable to the source material.

Here, we have proof positive that a character is only as clever as the writer who's writing they're dialogue and actions.  Yes, there's a vampire at the bottom of the garden hiding in the shed.  At any point in time this whole story could have just been ended without a single loss of life had any character actually done whichever painfully obvious thing needed to be done at the time.  As it happens we're just treated to one absolutely crazy decision after the next.

And eventually you'll lose patience.  I did.  It got to a point where I'd quite happily line the cast up and feed them to the monster one by one - something to do with 'Darwinism' I think they call.

There are good horror movies that don't rely on wall to wall special effects, gore or an A-list cast. 'The Shed' also has none of these and is yet worse than many other B-list straight to steaming movies.  It really is a case of a story where character motivation just ruins it every time.  Frustratingly bad.

3/10

Time Chasers (1994) - Well... the kids might like it

Do you have boys of about 6-8 years old?  Do you want to keep them entertained for a couple of hours while you try to feel human again?  Well, you may want to put on 'Time Chasers' for them - if they're into general action/sci-fi/adventure type films you may get a little down time.  Otherwise, I can't see much use for this movie.

It has 'Made for TV' written all over it.  It's about a scientist (I think) who builds a time machine out of a plane and then sells it to a - blatantly evil - corporation.  What could possibly go wrong?  Cue some alternate (and cheep-looking!) dystopian futures and trips back and forth in time from one wooded area to the next.

It was made - apparently - in 1994 and yet it feels like it should have been made around 1980.  If I had to liken it to another film I'd say 'Inner Space.' Only that was great with a fast-moving and humorous pace. 'Time Chasers' is just like a - very - poor imitation of it.  There are no real familiar faces on show here and the dialogue is so cliche and mundane it's hard to tell whether the actors are good or not - they try.  The mullet-haired hero tries to be macho, but it's hard to watch a bicycle chase through a wood and actually find it entertaining, let alone thrilling.  Imagine the 'speederbike' chase from 'Return of the Jedi' only on push-bikes - yeah, they don't even compare, do they?  That's what you get here.

There really is little here to recommend.  The only 'positive' I took from watching this sluggish effort is the fact that it's reminded me how long it's been since I last watched 'Inner Space' (which I own on DVD) so I'll probably put that on soon.  If you can find it - just watch that.  It'll also entertain kids with the bonus of also being enjoyable for adults at the same time.

5/10

Civil War (2024) - I should like this more than I do

'Civil War' is a tough one for me to review.  Having seen it I'm still in two minds as to whether I liked it or not.  I'm a big fan of its writer (Alex Garland) and the story is an interesting premise, i.e. what if a civil war broke out in modern America.  The cast is solid (led by Kirsten Dunst) and the effects and atmosphere over all are very well done (with minimal - or at least not that noticeable - computer generated effects).

The movie follows a car-load of journalists who travel across the war-torn USA on their way to try and grab an interview with the President (before he's deposed?).  Before I saw the film I read online a lot of people thought it would be very 'partisan' with heavy handed political messages.  Maybe it's because I'm not American and therefore don't know that much about the country's politics, but I never really felt like it was taking sides - another plus point.

So, it had a lot going for it.  Yet I couldn't help but keep checking my phone to see the time.  It's just so damn long.  It's well over two hours (and feels more like three!) and it's a hard slog to get through.  The story doesn't really lend itself to - er - story.  It's just four people (who are pretty bland and unlikable) in a car going from one set piece to the next.

Yes, the set pieces certainly highlight what it might be like to live through the horrors of a war zone and they are good in themselves.  It's just I found the film boring.  I know people would say that the characters are 'bland' because they're hardened and embittered professionals and that might be true, but I still found them boring, bland and unlikable.

And that's the problem.  If someone asked me to sum up 'Civil War' in one word - it would be 'boring.' And that's a shame, because it had so much going for it and - individually - so many scenes were really well done.

5/10

Underground (2023) - Just.  Don't.  Bother.

Let me start off by saying that I'm no 'film snob.' I love cheesy horror movies and have quite a lot of 'found footage' films among my DVD collection.  Since the sub-genre was revived by the 'Blair Witch Project' film-makers have tried copying its success by shooting a low budget film as if it was actually shot by the characters in the story.

Most 'found footage' films don't live up to the stand-outs like the 'Blair Witch Project' and 'Paranormal Activity,' but at least they do enough to be worth a watch. 'Underground' does not.  I try to find something good in even the worst films, but it was hard to say anything positive in this case.  I guess the actresses' performances were reasonable, i.e.naturalistic and therefore befitting of the film-style.

Otherwise, steer well clear.  It's even longer than the average film and the first half hour is basically 'getting to know the characters.' Only the characters aren't that interesting.  It's like a stranger asked you to sit down and watch their holiday video.  You'd have to be really bored to oblige.

The plot is about a hen night where the women get lost in a tunnel system and - naturally - fall foul of something nasty that dwells down there.  It's a decent enough premise, but nothing really happens.  Once they do get lost of have long - and I mean looooooong - drawn out shots of the women sitting around in the darkness.  If you haven't already turned off there's about five minutes worth of 'supernatural threat' towards the end.  Then it ends.  Only it doesn't.  It sort of ends then starts up again for no real reason (or rather to offer one last 'scare' which isn't scary).

And that's its major problem - it's just not scary.  I'd say if you're in the mood for horror/found footage then any other movie in those genres would be better than this.  In fact... any movie in any genre would probably be better than this.

2/10

The Hollow (2004) - The 'Sleepy' one is better

According to everything I read online, this film was made in 2004.  However, i wouldn't surprise me if I found it was actually filmed in 1994 and then sat on the shelf in some studio for ten years, before finally being released to the public (on TV!).  I don't think I've seen another movie that looks 'so nineties' which wasn't actually made during the time period.

Now, if that isn't a drawback in itself, the fact that the plot, set-up and dialogue could all come out of a typical 'slasher' film from the eighties.  I watched 'Sleepy Hollow' over twenty years ago.  I don't know how accurate it was when dealing with the lore concerning the 'headless horseman,' but it was damn entertaining and I still watch it to this day. 'Hollow' is about the same antagonist, only set in modern times.

Seriously, adding a love triangle between 'the jock, the nerd' and 'the cheerleader' to the tale does not add anything to it.  It's about as average as any horror film can be and offers absolutely nothing new.  Just watch Tim Burton's 'Sleepy Hollow' starring Johnny Depp and a whole host of better actors.  At least the horseman didn't have a head that looked a cross between Jack Pumpkinhead and one of the halloween masks in 'Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.' Avoid.

4/10

M3gan (2022) - Hardly original, but great fun

Dolls who come alive and kill people are hardly new in the horror genre (the 'Child's Play' franchise being the 'granddaddy' of them all), so 2022's 'M3gan' (or 'Megan' to be technically correct) has no right to be as entertaining as it actually is.

A computer/robotics engineer's niece is forced upon her when the little girl's parents tragically die in a car accident.  Rather than spend all her time looking after the youngster, she creates the first lifesize doll who can interact with the child, utilising the power of artificial intelligence.

Obviously, everything starts out fine, but naturally - being the horror genre - the doll takes on a life of its own and starts warping its own programming to fit its murderous intentions.

As I say, nothing new, but the doll itself is an excellent antagonist - she's made or metal and therefore has increased strength, not to mention perfect reactions.  But also she's wired into the internet, so effectively she possesses the entire knowledge of the world wide web and can tap into anything with a wifi connection.  Then, when chaos breaks out, she can just go limp and pretend to be a toy.

Despite being the antagonist, Megan was by far the best/most entertaining part of the film and it's rare that - effectively - a doll carries the movie.

Whether you're a fan of killer doll movies, or just horror in general, this one is definitely a slice above the rest.

8/10

Cruel Jaws (1995) - Just watch Jaws

Um, yeah, where to begin with this one - okay, simply... just watch 'Jaws.' Many films rip  off movies that are far better than them, but at least they try and make a few little tweaks that attempt to stand apart from their originals.  Not here.  Not really.

There's a shake.  It's terrorizing a beach.  One human believes this and tries to get the local authorities to do the right thing and close the water area to prevent more deaths.  Oh, I guess there is one different - 'Jaws' was a great white shark.  Here we have a tiger shark.  That's about it.

If it was just a blatant, pointless rip-off that would be one thing.  Sadly, it's also a stupid, blatant, pointless rip-off as well.  The shark appears completely bulletproof.  I lost count of the amount of times humans try and shoot at it at point blank range, only for it not to take an ounce of damage.  I guess the humans could just be so stupid they miss?  That could certainly explain it.  But then if someone is so stupid that they can't hit a massive shark when up close then they deserve to end up down it's throat.

As I say... just watch 'Jaws' if you're looking for a monster movie with a shark in it.  And, is it just me, or does the first few bars of the 'Star Wars' theme keep popping up here and there?

4/10

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024) - Not needed sub-plots

Guy Ritchie swaps out the gritty streets of London for World War 2's most secretive of mission in 'The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare' and delivers a bombastic, stylish wartime adventure that feels uniquely his own.  Having Henry Cavill as the lead certainly helps, as his charismatic performance steals ever scene while Ritchie's signature snappy dialogue blends an engaging tale of espionage and covert operations during World War II. 

However, its momentum falters due to a recurring subplot that struggles to justify its screen time.  Cavill shines as the suave yet steely leader of a ragtag team assembled to execute unconventional missions.   But its Ritchie’s signature rapid-fire banter and cleverly constructed exchanges that keep the dialogue sharp and engaging.  Fans of his classics like 'Snatch' and 'The Gentlemen' will recognize the familiar rhythm, which injects levity into the film’s more intense sequences without undermining the stakes.

 The action is another high point, showcasing meticulous choreography and a commitment to practical effects that lends authenticity to the set-pieces. Although the Germaas do suffer from 'Stormtrooper syndrome' where that can't hit our heroes, no matter how many bullets they spray at them.

Unfortunately, the film’s pacing takes a hit due to a subplot that repeatedly stalls the narrative. Without diving into spoilers, this thread—involving two other character on a side-quest —feels underdeveloped and overextended, detracting from the momentum built by the main plotline. Each time it resurfaces, it pulls focus away from the more compelling elements, leaving viewers eager to return to the action.  

Despite this flaw, 'The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare' is a solid entry in Ritchie’s filmography, offering plenty of thrills, laughs, and memorable performances. While the pacing issues prevent it from reaching the heights of his best work, it’s a film that delivers enough style and substance to warrant a watch—especially for fans of Cavill, Ritchie, or WWII-era adventures.  I just can't believe it was never released in cinemas in its home country, so best to find it on streaming now.

7/10

The Exterminators of the Year 3000 (1983) - Grab your 'mudda'

Rare is it that you can simply review and entire film with one sentence, but if I don't get the 'Mad Max' rip-off out of my system now I'll be just typing it over and over again.  It's a 'Mad Max' rip off.

Set in the distant future where whatever is left of humanity lives in a desert-like wasteland where water is the most valuable commodity.  Sound familiar?  Well, it doesn't end there.  A lone, scruffy road-warrior in a souped-up bruiser of a car is out to protect the innocent and punish the gang of punks who try and rule the wasteland through fear and violence.

It seems that supplies have become so scarce that the lead villain only has enough mascara and eyeliner for one eye.  Plus - and I don't know if this is because I watched a 'dubbed' version - but he repeatedly uses the phrase 'M*ther grabber.' I'm guessing this weird 'insult' or a translation replaces a slightly more 'hardcore' phrase.  Either way, every time he says it - and he says it a lot - I couldn't help but laugh.

Our (not Max at all) protagonist is a kind of cardboard cut-out, but then so is everyone else.  Probably no disrespect to the actors as they try their best, but the script really is pretty basic.  There's a kid in it quite a lot.  The film wouldn't have lost much if he wasn't in it, but he isn't as annoying as some children can be in these types of films.  Plus it's kind of funny when he gets drunk.

Is it terrible?  No.  It's perfectly watchable.  However, if you're looking for a movie like this, then I'm sure you can find one of the 'Mad Max' films lying around.  Even the worse is better than this and nowadays we have the remakes.  They're better, too.

5/10

Prophecy (1979) - What did I just watch?

When the credits rolled at the end of 'Prophecy' I literally had to think to myself what exactly I'd just watched.  I know I've sat through numerous horror films over the years, but even the worst stayed in my head while I was reading who was in it.  And, weirdly, 'Prophecy' wasn't that bad.

Trying my best to recall what I'd just witnessed, it's about a doctor and his wife who head out into the wilderness to - er - help something (or someone - like I say, details are already sketchy).  There, they come up against angry Native Americans, shady businessmen and - of course - monsters.

Yeah, so that's about all I can remember.  It's certainly not the worst horror film I've ever seen and the monster effects are passable.  They're practically (naturally, for the era/budget) and if you feel the need to see another rubbery creature then you'll find a few here - although they mainly come at the end.

Yes, the end.  It was the best part - I'm not just saying that to be deliberately harsh, but at least the final act moved a bit quicker than the rest.  As I say, this isn't the worst horror film I've ever see and I believe - from what I've read online - it does have a reasonable 'cult following.' I guess it just didn't gel with me like other similar offerings.

5/10