Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988) - Nice idea, poorly executed

Ah, I do love a cheesy 80s horror B-movie.  And this one has everything I'm looking for... on paper.  A trio of naughty high school boys try and sneak a peek into a girls' sorority house, only to be caught and forced to steal a bowling trophy on display at a local shopping mall (no, really) where everyone falls foul of an imp-like genie inside.

I don't know what the film-makers were on when they came up with that, but that's the plot.  Yes, it's totally ridiculous, but, if handled correctly, it could have been a lot of fun.

Sadly, there isn't much here to recommend.  I guess there's nudity - of which there is some briefly at the beginning, but we have Google these days, so I doubt that will be much of a selling point.  There's virtually no gore and the special effects are definitely not special.  In fact, this could have the worst animated creature I've ever seen committed to film.  The acting is terrible.  Linnea Quigley is about the only name you may know (probably because you've seen 'Return of the Living Dead') and she actually handles herself during the fight scenes, but her dialogue is awful.  I know she can do better, but the script she's been given could have been so much better.

I found this on a streaming service and so I guess it was entertaining enough 'for free,' but I definitely don't think it would have been worth actually paying to watch for a group of individuals.  

5/10

The Lift (1983) - How is this not a parody?

Since 'Jaws' there's been a type of film (mainly horror, I guess) where the protagonist knows some sort of 'deeper information' regarding a potential threat and nobody - especially the person in charge of public safety - believes him.  In 'Jaws' Chief Brody couldn't convince the local town leader to close the beach... and the shark made the most of it.

I only bring this up is because 'The Lift' kind of takes that template... and applies it to a lift.  Yes, there's a 'killer lift.' Now, in 'Jaws' you may be safe on land, but if you went pretty much anywhere in the water you were risking your life.  However, with the lift, the 'threat' is kind of confined to - um - a lift shaft in - um - a building.  If you don't use the lift, you're pretty much safe.

Therefore, the film makes as many characters go near the lift and literally stick their heads through the doors in order for the deadly piece of - barely moving - machinery to do away with them.

So, at the end of the day, I really found it hard to really take this film seriously if all you need to do to survive is use the stairs.  I did once watch a horror film about a lift.  I actually quite enjoyed it, but I'll be damned if I can remember what it was - it was about a group of people who were trapped in the lift and I think one of them turned out to be the devil.  I should have watched that.

5/10

Murderfest (2024) - Actually quite good fun - weirdly

In the crowded world of low-budget horror, 'Murderfest' stands out not for its surprising watchability. While the production's financial constraints are often sadly apparent, with some awkward acting and flimsy cheap-looking gore, there's still enough horror to be run. If you're in the mood for a film that leans more into silly social commentary than outright horror, it's actually worth a look—mainly if you can find it on streaming (I probably wouldn't pay full price to watch it on the big screen!).  

It's about a website that broadcasts 'murder games' where serial killers compete to hunt unsuspecting victims.  It's over-the-top concept does manage to land some jabs at our obsession with shocking internet content, showing how far society is willing to go for entertainment.  

The lack of a tight script does reveal a few gaps in logic where characters make baffling choices and certain plot developments require a significant suspension of disbelief.  But if you’re willing to go along for the ride, the ridiculousness can actually add to the fun.  What the movie lacks in gore—a notable absence given its premise—it makes up for with tongue-in-cheek humor.  Instead of trying to be outright scary or gory, it opts for a more silly tone. If you're looking for scares and gore you probably won't find it here.  

The - pretty much unknown - cast are okay in their roles and the direction is competent, but the pacing can be a bit uneven at times.  Ultimately, 'Murderfest' isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s far from a disaster. Its low budget may show, but for those in a forgiving mood, it's a fun enough little waste of time.

6/10

You Can't Run Forever (2024) - JK sells it

Maybe I should have read more about this film before I watched it.  And maybe if I say what I'm about to say now I'll end up 'spoiling' it for people.  But I'm a general fan of JK Simmons as, no matter how bad a film is, he always seems to turn in a solid performance and is great on screen.  I'm not claiming to have watched every film he's been in, but I've never considered him as a 'bad guy' (on screen).  I didn't know much about 2024's 'You Can't Run Forever' and simply watched it when I found it on a streaming service and saw he was in it.  Naturally, I figured he was going to be some sort of gruff, but ultimately kind, character.  How wrong I was.

A teenage girl finds herself lost in dense woods and at the mercy of an unrelenting serial killer - none other than JK Simmons.

Naturally, he gives a pretty excellent performance and turns what could have just been your basic slasher film into something a little better.  In terms of actors, it's perfectly acceptable all round.

I didn't think I wasted my time watching it and anyone who likes JK Simmons' performance should find something to enjoy here.  However, if I had to point out something negative, I'd say that the story is based on extreme convenience to move it along.  There are numerous times where Simmons catches up with his victim and has plenty of time to kill her, only to let her go.  I get that this could be because he's 'toying' with her and it's a plot device to add tension, but is a brutal serial killer keeps letting his victim go just to prolong the movie, it does tend to stretch how long you can suspend your disbelief for.

6/10

Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993) - If I was younger...

I never watched this back in the nineties, but I was aware of it.  I had, however, seen similar films which were basically parodies of popular movies or genres of the time, such as 'Hotshots, The Naked Gun' and 'Loaded Weapon.' I enjoyed them all back in the day, but it's taken me until 2024 to get round to this one.

Weirdly, I may have been the only fourteen year old to not really be that into 1991's 'Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,' but I remember how popular it was at the time and it's still regarded as a classic to this day.  Therefore, film-maker Mel Brooks decides to make a parody of it with his 'Men in Tights' offering.  The story basically follows the classic version of the tale of Robin Hood that we all know.

Brooks also made 'Spaceballs' which is effectively poking fun at 'Star Wars' and I recall I enjoyed that, so I do like his humour.  But my 2024 brain just didn't find many laughs in 'Men in Tights.' It's odd, as I reckon that if I was still in my mid teens I probably would have liked this much more and, if I watched it today, it would no doubt bring back nostalgic memories which would make me rate it higher.

Sadly, I just didn't find it that funny.  Yes, I chuckled a few times, but many of the jokes got samey quite quickly and others were actually the same ones used in 'Spaceballs,' only repurposed for a medieval setting instead of sci-fi.  Overall, it's okay.  I found it the kind of film you'd have on in the background and dip in and out of.

5/10

The Devil's Triangle (2021) - Made for TV at best

Hmm, where to begin... 'The Devil's Triangle' is about a passenger plane that gets shot down over the Bermuda Triangle and ends up in Atlantis, only to find that those who dwell below sea levels have sinister plans for us 'land dwellers.'

Not an awful plot for a run-of-the-mill sci-fi TV show, but it's a - relatively - short film which never really lives up to its lofty ideals.  For a start, you have the cast.  There are no big name actors and, although some are okay (at best!), it seems that most of the Atlantis residents are some of the worst actors available.  I feel bad for saying that, as, given a better script, they may be okay on screen.  However, the script - especially for the bad guys - is just terrible and full of cliches - so much so it's like they actually speak fluent 'bad guy.'

The special effects are random action scenes which look quite good - for a Playstation 4 cut-scene.  But they never really have any effect on the story, as they're mainly flashbacks.  Put simply, there are no real special effects involving the characters and the sets look like they're from a daytime soap with blue lighting.

I could have put up all that, but the bad guys are just too dumb to be taken seriously.  They show potential enemies round their facility and teach them how two effectively destroy their empire at the touch of a button (and then leave all major control panels completely unguarded for the humans to do just that!).

Overall, it hasn't really got that much going for it.  It tries, but it doesn't have the budget or script to make it worth your time.

4/10

The Rift (1990) - 'Aliens' it is not

'The Rift' could have been a solid 'creature feature,' but it struggles to make good on its premise.   It follows a submarine crew sent on a rescue mission into uncharted depths, only to discover horrors lurking beneath the surface.  There’s enough here to keep fans of cheesy 80s/90s horror mildly entertained, the movie takes was long for anything to actually happen.  

For nearly the first hour, very little happens.  The early scenes are mainly all exposition and repetitive submarine antics that don’t do much to build up to anything.  By the time the action finally picks up, it’s hard not to feel like you’ve already been treading water (boom boom!) for far too long. When the  monster finally makes an appearance towards the end, it’s actually not too bad, but it's too little too late.

The cast is best served by R. Lee Ermey and Ray Wise as they're the two most recognizable names in the lineup - and they unsurprisingly steal the show.  Ermey delivers his trademark gruff authority as the submarine commander, bringing some much-needed energy to the otherwise shallow proceedings. Ray Wise, always a joy to watch, is unfortunately underused, leaving viewers wishing his screen time had been expanded.  The rest of the cast does a passable job but lacks the charisma to make their characters memorable.  

Perhaps 'The Rift’s' biggest flaw is its blatant attempt to borrow the action/tension scenes from far superior films - mainly 'Aliens.' These moments come across as pale imitations that only show what 'The Rift' is missing.  In the end, 'The Rift' is an okay-ish attempt at a monster movie that may satisfy B-movie fans of underwater horror, it’s far from essential viewing.  It’s worth a watch for die-hard fans of R. Lee Ermey or Ray Wise, but for most viewers, it’ll likely sink into obscurity. 

5/10

Deep Space (1988) - Oh dear

Okay, let's talk about 1979's 'Alien.' On the surface, it's a pretty simple film: big monster stalks humans.  If you don't like that sort of movie, you could say that premise is dumb, but, if handled right, then the audience who are into that genre will love it - like with 'Alien.' It's crazy that 'Deep Space' was released nearly ten years after 'Alien' and two years after it's excellent sequel and yet it looks so much worse on all counts.

It too has a simple premise - in fact, the SAME premise - big monster hunting humans.  There's nothing wrong with that in a B-movie, but, this time, there's just nothing that makes it stand out. 'Alien' was set on a space ship, so the film-makers must have had to use a proportion of their budget on sets. 'Deep Space' is in a normal American city, so no extra costs for building sets required - yet still everything looks so cheap.

Here, a secret US probe crashes back down to Earth and its contents begin to run amok among the population.  Police are investigating, but finding themselves thwarted by shady Government agents.  Then you have a totally unnecessary psychic who phones up the leading man every now and again when the plot needs moving forward.

Again, 'Alien' had the bonus of an excellent cast who could elevate the script to levels higher than it probably ever should be. 'Deep Space' doesn't have the script, nor the quality of actors to support it.  The monster itself is a blatant rip off of the xenomorph from the 'Alien' franchise, only it's just a man in a rubber suit, waddling around and looking so uncomfortable that I almost felt sorry for it in the end as it came across as just so damn pathetic.

Weirdly, as much as I'm slating the film on every level, it's not totally unwatchable.  I didn't hate it as much as it may sound, but there's just so many better monster B-movies out there that there's simply no point in investing your time into this one.  Or just watch one of the 'Alien' movies.

4/10

The Bad Shepherd (2024) - Decent little thriller

'The Bad Shepherd' takes a well-trodden path in the thriller genre, presenting a premise most of us have seen before, i.e. a group of friends are thrust into a moral dilemma and their unity crumbles as tensions rise, before deadly results ensue. While this setup doesn’t break new ground, the film delivers a decent enough experience for fans of the genre.  

It's a simple tale - a group of mates think they've accidentally run over a woman, but, before they can phone an ambulance, they discover she has a bag full of money on her - guess what... they think better of calling 911 straight away!  

What sets 'The Bad Shepherd' apart is that it at least makes viewers question their own moral compass. Each dilemma the characters face feels grounded in reality, forcing us to ponder what we'd do in that situation?  Even if the cast lacks any big names, the performances are perfect for what they need to be and the actors bring a sense of authenticity to their roles, which helps elevate the average script. 

However, the ending may leave some viewers thinking that it belongs to a different movie, deviating from the grounded tone established earlier.  I didn't mind it spinning to something - in my opinion - completely different, some may feel a little cheated by the 'reveal.'

In the end, 'The Bad Shepherd' is a solid enough thriller that doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it doesn’t need to - it's a worthwhile watch. 

7/10

The Midnight Meat Train (2008) - Vinnie Jones shines

'The Midnight Meat Train' is possibly the definition of a competent and gruesome horror experience that leans more heavily on blood and guts than cerebral chills.  Bradley Cooper stars as a photographer who is desperate to capture the gritty essence of the New York.  His performance is solid, bringing his usual charm and likability to the role.  However, the true standout is Vinnie Jones as the menacing and near-silent antagonist, Mahogany, who ends up stealing every scene he’s in.  

The film’s style of leaning on gruesome, over-the-top violence is both its strength and potential turnoff as there are plenty of scenes where the red stuff tends to fly further than reality may suggest.  It's all good fun if you're looking for over the top gore, but the plot often relies on improbable coincidences and sheer luck to move forward. 

This lack of realism might frustrate viewers seeking a more grounded thriller.  The ending is another polarizing element. Without giving too much away, it ventures into unexpected territory, which might not align with what had been building up previously.  

It’s a bold conclusion that ensures 'The Midnight Meat Train' lingers in the mind after the credits roll.  But at the end of the day it's all great fun for horror fans who enjoy their scares served with a side of carnage.  It’s not perfect, but as a fan of Vinnie Jones (and someone who had to 'fine' him when he came into the video rental store I worked in!) I can say he makes it worth a watch.

7/10

Lucky Bastard (2014) - Sometime it's good to finish early

'Lucky B@stard' is a decent enough concept for a 'slasher' film: a found-footage thriller set in the adult film industry.  It could have at least been watchable, but it just doesn't have the script or execution to live up to the promise.  The story revolves around a p0rn website’s gimmick of allowing one "lucky" fan to perform on-camera with an adult star.  Things naturally take a turn for the worse when their chosen participant reveals a disturbing side of his personality. 

Sadly, the audience will probably see every plot beat coming a mile off and - worse still - it has a majorly slow build-up.  Despite the 94-minute runtime, it takes over an hour for the narrative to truly get going and anything vaguely exciting to happen.  By then, it’s likely many viewers will have lost patience.  Part of the problem is the pacing. Much of the first act is spent on mundane set-up, introducing the characters and the mechanics of the titular website. 

When the thriller elements finally kick in, they feel rushed and lack either the impact or gore that they might have had with better development.  From early on, it’s easy to guess where the story is headed. This might not have been so bad if the characters were more entertaining, but most of the cast are reduced to stereotypes and the script doesn’t provide much depth to elevate them beyond their roles as victims or the killer.  

Ultimately, 'Lucky Bastard' is a decent enough idea that doesn’t quite work, due to its length (maybe it should have been some sort of half hour short?).  While the premise might draw you in, the sluggish first hour and predictable plot twists make it a tough sell. If you’re a fan of the found-footage genre or curious about its unique setting, it might be worth a look. Just don’t expect to be blown away and, for a film set in this industry, you won't be getting too much in the way of what the p0rn genre is most famous for - if that's what you're looking at, you can probably find more on an average internet search.

5/10

Axcellerator (2020) - Was this 2020 film actually made in the 80s?

Hang on, it says that 'Axcellerator' was made in 2020, yet it feels like some sort of family-friendly sci-fi adventure that was all the rage in the 1980s.  Much like 'Inner Space' or 'Flight of the Navigator,' it leans heavily on lighthearted fun and breezy pacing, making it a film that parents can feel comfortable letting younger viewers enjoy. 

The story centers on a young man who stumbles upon an experimental device that allows instantaneous travel anywhere on the planet.  As expected, the first thing that happens is he discovers his 'love interest' before making him the target of shadowy villains and government agents, all of whom are painted in broad strokes as the stereotypical "bad guys." 

Instead of any real 'threat' it's more just an exciting playground game rather than anything truly menacing.  This makes it fine for younger audiences, though us oldies may find the lack of tension a bit underwhelming.  What 'Axcellerator' lacks in general realism, it makes up for with a clear sense of fun.  Even with a script that’s fairly basic and straightforward, the cast’s effort gives it at least a passable layer of charm. The dialogue might not win any awards, but it’s serviceable and peppered with enough humor to keep things lively.  

Visually, the film’s modest budget shows.  I would guess that around 90% of the film was shot against a greenscreen with special effects that are simple but just about effective, capturing the spirit of the story without ever overshadowing it. 

While 'Axcellerator' may not appeal to those seeking cutting-edge storytelling or sophisticated characters, it’s undeniably a good time for its target audience.  Young boys in particular may find it especially enjoyable, thanks to its adventurous tone and clear-cut morality. The movie is easy to follow, never taking itself too seriously and offers just the right mix of action and humor to keep the fun rolling (although for those of us who grew up with Sam Jones as the iconic Flash Gordon, it's simply nice to see him on screen again!).  

6/10.

Baby Oopsie (2021) - Nice enough effort

'Baby Oopsie' does its best to be a tongue-in-cheek with its horror, making it clear from the outset that this isn't a film meant to be taken too seriously.  Its lighthearted tone, while can be kind of funny sometimes, results in a lack of genuine scares or impactful gore. 

It's about a lonely woman who repairs dolls for her internet podcast, but gets more than she bargained for when she receives a - pretty damn hideous - broken doll in the mail.  Naturally, death and destruction follows.  

If you're in the mood for low-brow horror fun, it’s harmless enough, but don’t expect too much.  The film suffers from a script that doesn't deliver enough clever or sharp humor to make it genuinely funny, nor does it lean into horror elements enough to deliver any real horrific thrills. The effects are on the cheaper side and the titular killer doll doesn’t even make its full appearance until about half an hour in, leaving the early portion feeling slow.  

Despite these shortcomings, 'Baby Oopsie' has a few nice touches (plus I quite liked its ending!) and so does have a certain charm.  It’s not a standout in the genre, but it’s serviceable if you stumble across it while browsing a streaming service.  For those with tempered expectations, it’s worth a casual watch. 

5/10

Postal (2007) - The best of Boll's batch

2007’s 'Postal' stands out as Uwe Boll’s most entertaining film, which might not sound like high praise given his filmography, but - believe me - it's the best of the bunch.  The movie unapologetically revels in its outrageous humor, pulling no punches and sparing no sensibilities. You’ll need a thick skin not to be offended, as it gleefully lampoons everything from societal norms to world events which obviously were very tragic when they occurred in real life.  

The first half of the film shines with some surprisingly sharp social commentary, offering glimpses of clever satire amidst the chaos.  However, the second half trades wit for sheer absurdity, diving headfirst into gross-out gags that lose some of the momentum built earlier.  

While 'Postal' feels a bit dated today, it kind of doubles as a bizarre time capsule of 2007, capturing the absurdities of the time with a manic, no-holds-barred approach to a loose plot about an 'average Joe' of a guy, finding himself involved in no less than two plots from different bunches of nutters, all trying to destroy the world for their own ends.  If you lived through the era and can appreciate its madness with a sense of humour, you’ll find it an unexpectedly fun ride.  For all its flaws, it’s a weirdly fascinating film worth a watch if you know what you’re getting into. 

6/10.