Slaughterhouse Rulez - Why, Simon, why?

Ever since the comedy TV show 'Spaced' I've been a massive fan of Simon Pegg and the team who seems to surround him on many of his ventures (Nick Frost for one), so I was delighted when I heard the pair were using their own production company to produce a new film where a posh and snooty English boarding school ends up under siege from various forces of darkness, making teachers and pupils band together to fight for their survival.

I love horror films.  I love comedy films and I love the combination of the two.  It sounded right up my street, i.e. a totally self-aware and cheesy little B-movie romp which is enjoyable simply because it never tries to be anything other than what it is and where the actors enjoy their roles.  How wrong I was.

I know some argue that Pegg/Frost and co basically play the same characters in every film.  I know there's an argument for that way of thinking, but I beg to differ.  Yes, they probably don't have that greater range for their acting, but they're always good at what they do and are always worth the price of a cinema ticket.  Not here though.  Here, they mainly play staff and 'grown-ups' in and around the school and their characters indulge in practically every cliche associated with their character.  If someone asked you to do an impression of a Head Master and a private English boarding school, I'm sure you could manage it.  Well, that' exactly what Simon Pegg does - he's a 100% one-dimensional stereotype and, worst of all, he's not funny in the slightest.

However, the adults aren't really the stars.  The kids/teens are the main characters.  And they're awful.  I haven't watched many of the 'Harry Potter' films and yet even a 'Muggle' like myself knows how every class in Hogwarts has its own 'types' of pupil, i.e. one 'house' has all the 'jocks,' one house has all the 'nerds' and so on.  Here, in the unlikely-named school of 'Slaughterhouse' (yeah, you have to suspend you disbelief to get over that one!) all the different forms has all the exact same character types/cliches.  You have the 'rebel, the bully, the nerd, the hot-girl' and so on.  And you won't care about any of them.

Again, if the characters were interesting you could forgive this lazy writing.  But they're not.  They're all stereotypes and, as a result, fundamentally unlikable.  Then there's the villains.  There's currently a debate in the UK about 'fracking' i.e. drilling too deep (or not deep enough, depending on your point of view) in order to find natural fuels.  Near the ridiculously-titled 'Slaughterhouse' school, a company is drilling down into the woods and, in doing so, releases and evil force.  Unfortunately, the 'baddies' are no more interesting that the heroes and they're the most cliched villains you'll have seen in a long time.

It got to the hour mark and I was really tempted to turn it off.  I ever looked the film up online and saw a few comments regarding how the film picks up in the last act.  So I waited for that.  And I wished I didn't.  It doesn't get any better and the cliches come thick and fast.

For a film with such a great cast, all of which are well-known for working together to come up with some of the most classic comedy (mash-ups) of recent years, this one feels like such a miss-fire I can't believe that anyone actually watched it and then thought it would be well received upon release.

I will continue to follow Pegg and co's careers as I still think the team have many more great films in them.  This is sadly not one of them and will never be.  Normally, I can at least find one or two positive things to say about it.  I guess there's always a first time when my mind runs blank.  Sorry, Simon. 'Shaun of the Dead' and the 'Cornetto Trilogy' is still awesome.

3/10 Jabba the Hutt wipes himself down with this film