Under the Skin - Species it is not

It’s fair to say that I didn’t enjoy ‘Under the Skin.’ Perhaps it’s my fault.  I didn’t know that much about the movie before I saw it.  I basically knew the premise, i.e. attractive female alien stalks the streets of Scotland looking for male victims.

Great, I thought – a modern day Species, but with Scarlett Johansson.  How could it fail?  It does.  I guess.

I wasn’t expecting wall-to-wall action and car chases.  I was kind of hoping for a more gritty, realistic take on the old female-killer alien scenario.  However, what I got was an art-house flick with moments of weird horror.

I like to think I can appreciate ‘the weird.’ I don’t just watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!  I like movies that try to take the story in a different direction, or use subtleties like metaphors and symbolism.  Unfortunately, although Under the Skin has both of them, it uses them to the extreme and completely forgets to put a story in there.  You just get Scarlett Johansson, driving round Scotland, picking up blokes and then killing them in a slightly surreal, sci-fi way.  You don’t know why and you don’t really ever find out.  It just happens.  And, to make matters worse, it happens slowly.

Every shot, although brilliantly framed and beautiful to look at (making good use of Scotland’s panoramic views and scenery) goes on way too long.  You get thirty second shots of someone walking up a hill.  This wouldn’t be so bad if it only happens the once, but it’s pretty much an example of how the film pans out.  It just gets boring after a while.  Seriously, if you’re watching this on DVD, I recommend having the remote control in one hand to fast forward it.  There’s no dialogue through most of it, so it’s not like you’re going to miss anything.  It’ll just speed up people walking about the place.

Yes (and this is probably more applicable to the lads), Miss Johansson DOES get naked in the film.  I’m guessing that no matter how little story there is, that fact will always help get people (mainly men) to watch it.

All in all, you’re left with a well-shot, high concept film that could have been really good.  It didn’t have to be Species to be good.  It had enough of an idea what it wanted to do to be good in its own right.  However, the cranked up the weird levels and never bothered putting a story (or much explanation) in there.  I’ve since looked up what the film was about on the internet.  I was kind of right, but I didn’t know it was based on a book and, as always, by all accounts the book is much better and explains things much clearer.

Special mention to a truly disturbing scene that comes about half way through involving a child.  Certainly horrific and completely without the help of any alien presence.

3/10 Jabba the Hutt wipes himself down with this film

The Tunnel - Nothing you haven't seen before

Whether you enjoyed the Blair Witch Project or not, it set a president in these `found footage' horror films. Over recent years they've been cropping up in every country, showing us the tale of people who - for some reason - feel the need to feel the entire of their supernatural encounter, right up until the point of their demise.

This is Australia's entry into the genre.

It starts off slow. You can basically skip the entire first half hour - it's all backstory and character-building. Some may like a slow start, others won't, but, either way, you'll still be able to understand the film if you do.

It's about four members of a news crew who go below Sydney into the abandoned underground system to get a story. Naturally, they get more than they bargained for. Unfortunately, what follows is simply the same as you'll see in any other `found footage' film. You have people running around screaming, talking into camera, shaky camerawork, only brief flashes of whatever is hunting them, the obligatory night-vision shots, getting lost and bickering with each other and so on.

Yes, it's well acted and nicely presented, but, perhaps the most disappointing aspect of the film were the `interviews.' Whereas in other `found footage' films they go the other way and have a piece of text at the beginning telling (spoiling?) the viewer by saying this footage was all that was found, i.e. everyone in the film is dead or missing. The Tunnel Movie interviews the survivors all the way through the film, cutting their thoughts on what they've filmed. For me this kind of told me who survives and who doesn't. I felt the interviews should have been taken out all together. At least that way the viewer wouldn't know who lives and who dies until the end.

The Tunnel Movie is okay. There's nothing bad I can really say about it, but then there's nothing that I haven't seen before. If it was released before Blair Witch, it would have been the benchmark with which all others are measured against. Sadly, it's nearly fifteen years too late for that title, therefore it gets lost in the multitude of `Blair Witch clones.'

Not bad, but nothing new.

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut - Meet some friends of mine

People have argued that, after 16 seasons, South Park isn't as fresh as it once was. Its creators/writers (Trey Parker and Matt Stone) are self-confessed `Python fans' and many of the early seasons were made in the a similar vain. As the seasons progressed, it moved away from simple wackiness and into `causes' and `celeb-bashing' (the wackiness remained, but seemed to take a back seat). This lost a certain amount of viewers, leaving only the die hard fans remaining (not that that must have particularly worried Trey and Matt, as South Park has a LOT of die hard fans left out there).

But, if you really haven't seen South Park and are wondering what all the fuss is about, then its movie incarnation is as good a place as any to start.

Don't be fooled by the crude animation. You've probably heard that South Park is simply smut and crudeness. And it is. And yet it's so much more as well. The wonder of South Park is that it's an adult world seen through the eyes of a child (or four children, to be precise). They are forced to navigate a pretty weird and frightening world with only the guidance of a sex-obsessed chef and a school teacher with split personality issues. The four boys sneak in to see an X-rated Canadian movie which teaches themselves all sorts of naughty words. This, in turn, leads to America declaring war on Canada.

Yes, it's pretty wacky, but there are plenty of cultural references and takes on modern life thrown in there among the smut and depravity.

If you want to want South Park, you need an open mind and shouldn't be easily offended. It's not an `adult' cartoon for no reason. However, if you're looking for something that is - secretly - intelligent and mad in the best sort of way, then you can do worse than spending an hour and a half watching Satan and Saddam Hussain battle it out with the residents of a small mountain town in Middle America.

10/10 The Monty Python Knights of Camelot are currently looking for this

Behind Enemy Lines - Action packed dramatic retelling

It makes me feel old when I actually remember the real story unfolding on the news which I'm now watching on the big screen, but I recall the reports of an American pilot who'd been shot down over hostile terrain in Eastern Europe during the mid nineties.  I'm not claiming to be a historical expert on the subject and it was about six years before I watched the same story on the big screen where Owen Wilson plays - an uncharacteristically serious role of - a fighter pilot who gets shot down during a routine recon mission while Gene Hackman plays the military man desperately trying to figure out a way of getting him back.

As I mentioned, I don't know how 'historically accurate' this film's story is, but it does make a most enjoyable romp.  Now, whether you know how the story turned out in real life doesn't really come into it, the film is very tense.  It also does a good job at depicting a different war-like setting, rather than the typical desert (of more recent wars), or previous conflicts like jungles and general World War II locations.

You will certainly root for Wilson as he's completely the underdog when his long, arduous trek across hostile territory isn't helped by a local mercenary/hitman who is almost like a human Terminator in his relentless pursuit of Wilson.  Of course Gene Hackman is always worth a watch and adds a heavyweight actor's name to the cast list.  However, the film's action set pieces definitely help make this film more than just a B-movie.  They really do their best to be a little different and some of the scenes such as when the plane is first shot down by a heat-seeking missile and also a certain scene with landmines later on, will certainly stay with you after the credits have rolled.

Whether you look at this film as a historical reenactment of a true event, or just a modern day war movie, it's definitely worth a watch - maybe just to see Owen Wilson is a role where he doesn't play it for laughs.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Doom - Did someone say 'Aliens?'

Ripley is picked up in space after drifting for 57 years and goes back to the planet with a platoon of marines.

No. I'm kidding. But Doom wishes that was the case. Someone took the script to Aliens, photocopied it, changed the names here and there, added a first-person shooty-shooty scene and called it Doom.

I loved Aliens. And, since 1986, I've seen scores of films trying to copy the basic premise. Some are good, some are bad and some do okay. Doom is the latter. Unfortunately, it will always suffer from being a computer game-related movie tie-in. Therefore people will automatically look for things to despise about it. Yes, it's not Shakespeare, but, with a name like `Doom,' were you expecting it to be?

It's not as bad as it could have been, but, then again, it probably could have been even better. The Rock does his best and lifts it above totally mediocre, so that's a plus point. Overall, I'd say if you like action/sci-fi films, you could do worse, as long as you keep your expectations low.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Bruno - Absolutely vile (and absolutely brilliant!)

I like South Park. Some people don't. The reason I mention this is because people dismiss South Park as simple low-brow toilet humour. However, actually, it normally has a bit more to it than that, i.e. message (just wrapped up in toilet humour). And, in my opinion, this is what Bruno is.

It's vulgar, it's offensive and it's cringeworthingly bad. Therefore, by rights, everyone should hate it. Yes, it is all that, but what's it saying underneath? Basically, it shows the human reaction to situations the everyday person isn't used to - in this case an overtly gay man.

Sacha Baron Cohen pushes the boundaries to see what people will stand for. And the results make interesting viewing. Yes, some bits are scripted - if it wasn't, the `film' would be little more than a clip show. There's a loose narrative strung along about Bruno wanting to be the biggest star on the planet, but, personally, I just go along to see how the U.S. Army reacts when a blatantly gay man starts talking back at them. Worth the price of the cinema ticket alone.

Enjoy - if you dare (then watch Borat - it's pretty similar).

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Under the Bed - You certainly won’t be hiding there watching this

Two brothers, the older of which has returned home after setting his house on fire and inadvertently killing his mother, must do battle against a man in a rubber suit who lives under their bed.  Okay, so it’s actually a monster, but, when you see it, you’ll probably think, ‘Oh, there’s a man in a rubber monster suit.’ Yes, that’s the tone of the film.

Naturally, the boys’ parents think they’re crazy and their dad is a complete idiot at all times (whether they’re talking about monsters or asking for a drink of milk, he seems to find it in himself to start shouting and threatening to lock everyone in their rooms forever... or something like that – in short, he’s a douche).  Then you have your clichéd bullies who think he’s crazy and they live next door (do you get the impression this film is lining up plenty of characters who are going to fall foul from the thing under the bed?).  But it’s not all bad news for the older brother... no sooner has he returned to his home town then he’s met the one hot girl who finds surly, reclusive arsonists who ride BMXs really attractive.  So there you have your ‘love interest.’ Yawn.

The film starts off slow.  I’m guessing this is to ‘build tension.’ But it just involves things moving in the house.  Personally, I’ve never found a washing machine’s door shutting by itself that horrific. 
Yeah, there’s a climax and some funky coloured lights here and there.  They even throw in a chainsaw by this time to try and spice things up, but, by now, do you care?  I didn’t.  It’s not terrible, just nothing remotely new enough to warrant me paying it any real attention.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)