Dead Snow - Nazis, zombies, blood, chainsaws - seriously, what more do you need?

Well, no subtitles maybe - but that's a personal preference.

Anyway, Dead Snow is a Norwegian zombie film where seven friends head into the mountains for a weekend of... oh, it doesn't matter why, only that they encounter some pretty nasty zombies - and Nazi zombies to boot (so I guess that makes them doubly nasty?).

The one thing you should know about Dead Snow is that it doesn't take itself too seriously. Think of it as more of a horror comedy than anything that will really scare you. It's very open about paying homage to other horror films (one character even wears a Braindead T-shirt). So, the blood flows, the body parts fly, the pretty girls scream in terror - what more do you want?

Oh, and as I mentioned, there are subtitles. If that's a turn off for you, you better know before you watch. However, the song near the end of the film during one of the most crazy and amusing slaughters ever captured on film if definitely better sung in the film's native tongue than English.

If you like daft. If you like zombies. And if you like blood, then you should definitely get an hour and a half's enjoyment out of this.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Kingsman: The Golden Circle – Moore ‘Bond’ than Craig!

The words ‘pleasantly surprised’ always came to mind when I watched ‘Kingsman: The Secret Service.’ I was always more taken with the slightly cheeky Roger Moore era of the Bond franchise, before it all turned uber-serious courtesy of Daniel Craig.  Therefore, I was delighted to see great stunts, ridiculous gardens and over-the-top villains hiding in hollowed-out volcanos (or the like).  Now, I’m even more delighted to say that the sequel is actually pretty good, too.  Yes, you can always argue that the sequel will never topple the original (Empire Strikes Back, Godfather II, Aliens and T2 excluded), but, as far as sequels go, this one stays pretty much true to the spirit of the first and is definitely worth a watch if you like spy movies in general, or – like me – are stuck in the past in the Connery/Moore Bond era.

In case you’re not up on the first movie, you don’t really have to be as this one stands alone quite nicely as well.  It’s about a super secret English spy agency that masquerades as a tailor’s in the middle of London.  However, one sunny day someone goes and drops bombs on all but one of the Kingsmen agents, leaving the last man standing to flee across the pond and join his counterparts in America, aka The Statesmen (and find out who was behind it all, obviously).  It’s good to see all of the cast have returned for this one (even ones you may not think should be in there, but that goes into ‘spoiler’ territory) which is always nice to see.  And it’s equally nice to see that the film isn’t afraid to kill off characters who you may not expect to see go out in the way that they do.  Not only do the Kingsmen and Statesmen have to find out who blitzed the London agents, but also stop Julianne Moore from distributing drugs that will poison the world while they’re at it.  Now, despite my overall praise and enjoyment of the film, I felt that Julianne Moore was possibly the weakest element.  Not because she was an especially bad villain – she’s a great actress and did everything she could to appear as menacing to the world’s population as possible, but she had one hell of a tough act to follow – Mr Samuel L Jackson.  He was so crazy (and brilliant!) in the original that anyone was going to struggle when following in his footsteps.

However, that’s just a minor gripe.  You could say that if you’ve seen one spy movie then you’ve seen them all – i.e. a super villain wants to do X and the hero must stop him, then insert a few high-octane car chases and fist fights along the way.  Well, ‘Kingsman: The Golden Circle’ doesn’t offer anything particularly new by going against that formula.  It’s simply the way it’s done that sets it apart from the rest.  It’s silly, light-hearted fun, but at the same time is able to dip effortlessly into the action genre and also provide some genuine heart-felt moments.  I hope we definitely at least get a trilogy out of this franchise.  Dark, gritty Bond is okay if you’re in the mood to be mega serious, but for those of us who still like our spy thrillers a little more light-hearted, then Kingsman is definitely the way forward.

About the only major thing that jarred with me was some really noticeable CGI backdrops, but the action scenes were so well-shot that these more than made up for the Glastonbury festival that was blatantly created on a PC.

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

Mom and Dad – So nearly there

I have to confess not knowing too much about ‘Mom and Dad’ when I went to see it.  I’ve always been a big fan of Nicholas Cage (even despite his recent run of terrible straight-to-DVD films) so I was delighted to see his (to my knowledge) first film to be actually released in the cinema for many years (was ‘Kick A$$’ the last?).

He and Selma Blair play a pair of suburban parents to your typical rebellious teenage girl and young son.  To begin with, the film seems to be quite a quirky social satire (even comedic at times), however in a moment the tone suddenly goes much darker when a set of creepy events takes place.  Then, from ‘mildly unsettling’ it changes again to all out murderous panic when every parent in the world (I’m guessing) decides to murder their own children in as grisly manner possible.

And, if you’re now asking ‘Why would they do that?’ then you’d be in the same boat as me.  Hopefully I won’t be spoiling the movie too much if I say now that the film asks a lot of questions and then delivers very little in the way of actual answers (this severely links into my feelings towards the ending, but, as I say, I won’t spoil it for you).

What follows is basically the two children doing their best to survive their parents’ attacks (just their parents I’ll clarify – parents only want to kill their own children and no one else – please don’t ask why – it’s just how it is!).  This led me to my first personal complaint is that there’s a distinct lack of Nicholas Cage in the first third, as the film concentrates on the youngsters more than their parents.

However, when Cage is finally given the freedom to do what he does best (go crazy and totally overact) he doesn’t disappoint.  However, as much as I’d like to see this as a ‘vehicle’ to get him back into mainstream cinema, it probably won’t be.  For a start it won’t be seen by that many people due so some truly horrific moments.  I’m a die-hard horror fan and, on the one hand I grumble about the lack of ‘real scares’ in horror films these days, seeing some of the boundaries this film tries to push (when it effectively comes to infanticide) it left me feeling more than a little uneasy.

It’s not just the content that doesn’t sit well, the random shifts in character for almost everyone feels a little odd at times.  Throughout the film, one character shows no aptitude for a specific skill she suddenly acquires just to move the plot forward, leaving the film feeling like ‘Home Alone’ for a moment.  Then, whenever the film starts to truly pick up pace, the film-maker tries to make up for a lack of character motivation by throwing in – seemingly random – flashbacks which merely extend the runtime and slow everything down by being a bit pointless.

The soundtrack may be good and Cage is enjoyable to watch, sadly the film is a hard one to sit through.  As I mentioned, it’s very nasty in places (especially if you’re a parent) and its constant shifts in tone leave it a bit of a jarring mess.  This is particularly disappointing because I have this weird feeling that there’s a good film in their somewhere and with a few more re-writes in pre-production could have made it into a decent little horror flick.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

 House - As cheesy as they come

Whether you like `House' will depend on how much you like cheesy films. House is a `horror' film, only it's not that scary - it seems to be too busy messing around and generally being random to be completely scary. There are a few creepy moments, but what stands out are the collection of big rubbery monsters who invade the house one after the other.

House is about Roger Cobb, who is a divorced author who moves to his aunt's mansion after she dies to continue his writing. Once settled in, he gets more than he bargains for.

If you watched this in the eighties, you'll probably love it as it's just as much fun as it was then. However, if you're used to darker horror films (Mama, Insidious, The Ring) then you'll probably find this a bit tame and silly - and for a good reason - it is. But then that's what it's meant to be.

Put your `serious hat' on its peg, invite some mates round who all have an appreciation of cheesy cinema classics, break open the drinks and popcorn and have fun with this one, as it's the only way to enjoy it.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Predestination - Better than I expected

I had never heard of ‘Predestination.’ I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing it never received a theatrical release in cinemas.  Or, if it did, it was a ‘limited run’ and I didn’t notice.  Therefore, baring this in mind and the fact that it didn’t have any ‘big name’ actors in it (apologises, Ethan Hawke), I kind of looked upon it as a B-movie that was released straight to DVD.

But, regardless of its origins, it’s actually pretty good.  I have to confess that I wasn’t really watching it properly to begin with.  I kind of had it on in the background while I did other things.  I read the blurb regarding its plot and saw something about ‘time travelling agents’ and preventing future crimes and considered it a basic ‘bang bang’ action movie. 

It isn’t.  There’s actually very little action and you really do have to pay attention to get something out of it.  It was because of that I started watching it again so I could actually know what’s going on.  Obviously, with anything regarding time travel, there are always going to be people who pick holes in the story, so you’ll have to suspend your disbelief when it comes to the ‘temporal physics’ of it all.

Ethan Hawke plays the time travelling agent who prevents crimes before they happen.  However, even with all the technology at his disposal, he’s still having trouble catching the ‘fizzle bomber’ before he strikes.  At first it seemed that the story was going to be all about him, yet we meet a secondary character who sort of takes over the ‘meat’ of the tale.

The tale itself is a twisted one.  Anything concerning time travel is going to have to deal with paradoxes and parallel universes and realities.  And ‘Predestination’ seems to involve all of them.  And, if you can follow it (or should I say prepared to follow it) you’ll definitely enjoy it.  It’s not an action movie and it’s certainly not fast-paced.  It’s more of a thriller/sci-fi drama that you will have to follow closely to make sure you don’t miss something.  You’re only going to get to watch it the once before you know all the twists and turns of the tale, so watch it closely and enjoy the mystery surrounding the plot.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

The Fifth Element - A mainstream-cult classic?

I remember when 'The Fifth Element' first came out in the cinema in 1997.  I saw it twice.  It was awesome.  It was only really after its release did the narrative begin breaking through (the ways thing did prior to the internet!) that it wasn't 'very good.' And yet everyone I spoke to loved it.  I worked in a video rental store in 1998.  It was still a major title and the public seemed to love it, too.

Over time I realised that, despite critics seemingly delighting in pulling it apart, the general public thought it was great.  They say there are only about ten different story types and that every film is just a variation on the way each is told.  With that in mind, 'The Fifth Element' isn't anything particularly original in terms of the actual story - in the distant future, a giant planet of 'pure evil' is hurtling towards the Earth preparing to wipe all us humans out.  The only thing that can destroy it is a being of pure goodness (Milla Jovovich before she hit the big time in the 'Resident Evil' franchise), who just so happens to be in the care of a wise-cracking New York taxi driver (Bruce Willis when he still put effort into his performances).  However, what makes the film stand out is the way its presented.

If ever a film 'built a world' it was here.  The special effects may look just ever-so-slightly dated today, they were amazing for the time and I think most people will still enjoy them for what they are.  You'll see New York in the future with mile high skyscrapers and flying queues of cars gridlocked around their peaks (beating the 'Star Wars' prequels by a few years!).  You'll see a variety of futuristic settings and technology, presented as if they are just everyday items that everyone uses.  I hear fashion designer Jean Paul Gauteur (spelling!) personally designed every costume - right from the stars' own wardrobe to the background characters to give every person that 'space-age feel.'

I've already said that Bruce Willis was still an A-list star when he made this.  His once natural charm and endearing smirk, mixed with wise-cracks and macho heroics worked well here with Milla Jovovich's faux naive persona which underlies her true mystical powers.  But they're just the icing on the cake. 'The Fifth Element' is practically an ensemble cast with villainous Gary Oldman as the bad-guy and Ian Holm as the well-meaning priest who's on hand to help out.  Maybe the reason there was a certain amount of hate directed towards the film was down to Chris Rock.  If you ever see some online list of 'Most Annoying Characters in Films' you'll probably find him as 'Number 2' (only pipped by Jar Jar Binks from 'Star Wars').  Yes, he's pretty obnoxious - but he's supposed to be!  You're supposed to be irritated by his antics and he only comes into the story in the last third, so - personally - if you really can't stand him that much, I'm sure he should ruin the whole film for you.

Basically, 'The Fifth Element' has everything an enduring film should have.  It has action, romance, sci-fi (if you're into that!), adventure, sets, special effects, costumes, humour, brilliant direction (the way characters in one scene answer a seemingly unrelated question a different character had just posed is very nice and adds to the quirky feel very well) and - perhaps most importantly - if has all that without needing to be 'adult' in content.  It was rated 'PG' here in the UK and I think it's a film that all the family can enjoy together.  Better still... it never received a sequel or remake (to date, 2020!), therefore leaving this as a perfectly self-contained little gem of sci-fi brilliance.

10/10 The Monty Python Knights of Camelot are currently looking for this

 Shadowzone - Alien's second cousin, once removed

The first thing you need to know about `Shadowzone' is that it's a blatant rip-off of a dozen other films from the same sci-fi/horror genre. The first that comes to mind is `Alien,' but there are elements of plenty others in there, too.

It doesn't have much of a budget, which is a shame because there is a decent idea buried somewhere in it. What lets it down is that there isn't enough invested in the characters. Every one is a total stereotype and you know who'll be monster-fodder and who's going to make it from the word go.

It's about an investigator who does to a top secret military base to investigate the death of a worker. Once there, he finds the scientists are dabbling in doorways to other dimensions (never a recipe for `happily ever after'). Then, we have a monster who - remains relatively unseen - as it bumps them off, one by one.

The acting isn't great, the special effects are stretched and what tension is pretty much directly lifted from Alien (check out the `motion tracker' type scene which is almost totally taken from the scene in Alien where Ripley observes Dallas while he treks through the vents, plus the music which sounds almost identical).

It's not the worst `monster-munching' movie out there. There are some nice moments here and there, but the overall vibe of `seen it all before' outweighs what little good is there.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)