Island Zero (2018) - Slow.  Very slow

I really wanted to like this one more than I did.  It's a low budget indie horror and I know that you don't need a massive amount of cash or special effects to make a movie work, but I think the lack of financing does hurt this production a bit.

An island off the coast of America finds itself under attack from a water-based beastie.  It's a fair enough premise for the horror genre, but its major problem is its pacing.  When I saw the runtime was actually over the traditional ninety minutes, I did wonder what I was in for.  The opening scene is a sample of what was to come.  It's long.  Or it certainly feels that way.  I know the film's defenders will say that it 'builds tension,' but it was just slow (to me).

When the film properly starts, we're introduced to the characters (the lead of which was punching above his weight, in my - catty - opinion!) and their acting is a bit hit and miss.  I don't know whether I'm being overly harsh because (according to what I've read online) a lot of the actors were actually locals who volunteered to star in the film and didn't have any acting credentials.  Plus the dialogue is clunky and there merely to get exposition across as quickly as possible, making delivery hard for even the best actor.

Once you've had the 'set-up' you can pretty much have the movie on in the background and do the ironing, as you're not going to miss much.  It's just people wandering around, slowly coming to terms with what we - the audience - already know.  

The gore eventually comes and the make-up is good on dead bodies and there is some decent practical effects.  But, due to the lack of budget, there really isn't enough and it comes after one hell of a slog to get there.

'Island Zero' isn't awful, but it's just nothing new or memorable enough to really stand out in its genre.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Rapture-Palooza (2013) - So, so dumb (and yet actually quite funny)

It's easy to sum films up as either 'good' or 'bad' and yet I like to think there's at least one more (blanket) term that can be applied to them - and that's 'enjoyable.' I wouldn't say 'Rapture-palooza' is a good film and yet I say through it right up until the end with no regrets and a silly smile on my face.

I'm sure the title can hardly be classed as a 'spoiler' so I'll point out that the 'rapture' occurs right at the beginning where 99% (roughly) of the Earth's population are taken up to heaven to be judged by our Creator.  The story therefore takes place surrounding those left behind.

If the movie does have a - major - fault is that it starts out too strong.  I know there's a saying 'show, don't tell,' but the big laughs come in lead actress, Anna Kendrick's, dry narration of the world as it now exists.  After that five minute (comedy!) exposition dump, the jokes do - unfortunately - slow down, but it's still funny enough to stick with.

After we've learned about the society (and ignored any plot holes which may arise - and there are a few - as sometimes the world breaks the rules it's literally laid out in the previous scene, simply to move the plot forward) we find that the Antichrist (Craig Robinson) has descended among us - and naturally needs to be stopped.  At first I liked his portrayal as the antagonist, but the constant 'gutter humour' did grate after a while.  I get it.  He's not supposed to be likable - he is the Prince of Darkness, after all!  But he still became a little bit annoying and over-the-top, but fortunately he's a good enough actor reel in his own performance to prevent his character from ever being a barrier from entertaining.

Overall, this is just a dumb, fun film.  There's nothing really amazing about it, but if you're in the mood for something light to enjoy and rest your brain to, give it a go.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Bully (2018) - One of the most uplifting films I've seen lately

Holy moly - how good was this film?  It's rare that after nearly half a century I'm actually blown away with something I've watched.  In a world populated by superheroes fighting faceless computer-generated armies up against the backdrop of a giant skybeam, a film like this somehow has more heart (and hope!) for the human race than every caped crusader ever to hit the silver screen.

As the title suggests, this film is about a 'bully' (actually, more a trio of bullies, but we'll forgive the titular inaccuracy), or - more importantly - the victim of one.  A young, overweight schoolboy with wavy ginger hair finds himself a target for a particularly nasty classmate.  After taking a beating in the street, our portly protagonist is saved by a man who offers to help him learn to defend himself.  What follows is his journey as he becomes a boxer - or rather learns enough moves to dodge and throw a punch (which comes in handy when in the school grounds!).

There's very little that I can say is negative about this film.  What I really enjoyed was how 'natural' all the characters were.  It would be easy to take the easy - dramatic - decisions in terms of where the plot went, but nothing is exaggerated in terms of story and how characters react.  Every time I thought something stupid was going to happen, something completely normal and relatable took place.  I'm sure while I was watching I spotted a few minor gripes, but this is a case where there is so much that's right, whatever small downsides pale in comparison.  I guess the bullies themselves are not very three dimensional - they're effectively the same stereotypical bullies you've seen in every other movie.  Plus the gay characters are a little cliched, but at least they get a small amount of character growth where you'll enjoy cheering their input on towards the end.

This is one of the most simple little films every made recently.  That's not a downside, as it's actually pretty much as perfect as any film can be.  Watch it when you need a dose of watching good claw its way to defeating evil.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

The Show (2017) aka This is Your Death - Didn't the Pythons do this?

I have all four series of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' on DVD, but I haven't watched them in a while.  I can practically recite the most famous of their sketches, but I'm sure there is a lesser known scene or two where the general public come on some fictional BBC programme and get routinely killed.  If it wasn't exactly this, I know they regularly show people who they asked to come out from their hiding places and dropped twenty-five tonne weights on those unfortunate enough to wander onto the studio floor.  Either way, the overall premise of 'The Show' (or 'This is Your Death' depending on which version you watch) basically felt like someone took a Python sketch and played it seriously.

Here, the general public come on stage and kill themselves in a variety of ways, live in front of a studio audience.  Yes, really.

As bizarre - and possibly unrealistic - as that may sound, go with it - there's actually more to it than you may think.  I wasn't sure if it was for me, but my love of 'Breaking Bad' meant that I was curious about 'Gus' from the show's direction, as he directed and starred in this (I really should learn the actor's name - I've seen him in enough stuff, but he'll always be 'Gus' to me).  He may not be the lead, but he's definitely showing off a different side of his acting range and is probably the film's high point.

It's a little longer than the average hour and a half movie and it could probably have been trimmed a bit around the ninety minute mark.

As you might imagine, a film with a central theme of suicide is hardly a 'feel-good' movie and it did leave me quite drained by the time the credits rolled.  It's worth a watch if you're feeling strong, but you may have to have a playlist of cute kitten videos on YouTube to watch straight afterwards.

Alternatively, just watch that one short scene in the pilot episode of 'Futurama' with 'suicide booths' - they're faster, cleaner and don't take two hours of your time.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Where the Scary Things Are, aka 'Don't Scream' (2022) - Why all the hate?

Okay, so - to be fair - there aren't that many reviews of 'Don't Scream.' In fact, it took me a while to find it online - largely because it mainly seems to be known as 'Where the Scary Things Are.' Why the title change?  I don't know and it probably doesn't matter.  However, after watching it, I did my usual trip online to review it, only to find that it was getting one and two star ratings.  I'm not saying it's a masterpiece, but I found it enjoyably different.

I watch a lot of horror movies and the blurb talked about a group of teens meeting a supernatural force (wrapped up with something about urban legends).  That synopsis can probably describe at least half the horror films made since the late seventies.  Normally, this means 'twenty-somethings' pretending to be eighteen-year-olds.  However, immediately I noticed that these 'kids' were actually meant to be more around the age of fifteen to sixteen (played most likely by eighteen-year-olds!).  Straight away the film almost had a 'Stand by Me' vibe, albeit set in the modern world with YouTube and iphones - a refreshing change.

Now, I'd like to do more of a detailed breakdown of the story.  But that would (a) be giving too much away and (b) would probably take longer than it does to actually watch the film.  That's because the plot jumps from here to there, branching numerous characters - some who you think may be an integral part, only for them not to really feature - while others who you think will be our heroes tend to, er, not be.

I can see some people saying that this is a 'mess' and trying to accomplish too much.  It's a fair comment, but - for some reason - I was hooked.  I don't want to describe it as a 'car crash' as that sounds like it's bad.  And I certainly wouldn't describe it that way.  It's rare that a film can genuinely make me wonder where it's going.  Maybe I'm so used to all the cliches and conventions of the genre that anything even vaguely different comes across as something special.

If you're looking for relatable characters who you'll root for, you may not find too many here.  Our protagonists are an - how should I put this - interesting bunch, not really your boy (and girl) scouts with the most noble of outlooks on life.

Whether you know this film as 'Don't Scream' or 'Where the Scary Things Are' I really would say its novelty of choice of characters (and their motivations) combined with the twisting narrative which may make you wonder how it will all end, actually makes this a bit of a hidden gem.  I'd definitely watch it again.  Don't believe the one star reviews straight away; if you do decide to sit down and watch this, know that it's not your normal episode of 'Stranger Things' and that it's a little different to your average modern horror.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Easter Bunny Massacre (2021) - And they played it straight?

I get it that slasher films have been around a long time now and pretty much every creepy and unsettling mask has been used by some knife-wielding psycho.  So, I guess someone thought it would be clever to use an 'Easter Bunny' costume as the maniac chopping the cast up.  And that might have worked, if they'd leaned into the general silliness of it all.  But instead, the film-makers tried to play this one with a straight face, as if it was an outright horror.

The film begins with a gaggle of twenty-something actors trying to pass themselves off as late teens, partying round a campfire before they head off to uni.  Unfortunately, they have a but more of a heavy night than they expected and when they wake up they're all covered in blood and a girl with a weird Anglo-American accent is in pieces.  Naturally, they don't call the police, but instead do their best to cover up whatever 'crime' they may or may not have committed and just do their best to live their lives.  Unfortunately, a year later, they're all lured to a hotel by someone who knows what they did last summer... sorry Easter.  Yes, you may have heard that plot somewhere back in the late nineties. 

So the film isn't funny when it could have been.  It isn't original.  The gore is pretty much non-existent and the film often grinds to a halt sometimes when it realises it hasn't got anything new to say and starts throwing in pointless flashbacks just to pad it out.  But - possibly worst of all - is that the dialogue and acting is pretty awful.  I won't blame the actors as I've seen a couple of them in other things and they're perfectly fine when given better to work with, but the script lets them down here.

Overall, this film really doesn't have anything going for it, which is a shame, as it could have been a nice, cheesy little entry into the genre, but there just isn't enough here that's original, scary, gory or just good to really recommend it.

Oh, I said it wasn't funny.  I take that back.  The 'killer rabbit' costume was pretty funny, but that was probably not the film-makers' intention when they designed one of the most unthreatening and unintentionally funny 'murderers' ever.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

I Am Rage (2023) - Discount 'Ready or Not'

I actually quite liked the premise of this one... a nasty ol' bloody-drinking cult kidnap young men and women and steal their life essence.  Only this time the adduct the wrong woman - someone with extreme anger issues and who definitely needs stronger antidepressants.

It's a nice idea and was enjoyable enough as a simple B-movie, but my main complaint was that it could probably have been much better.  When the two female protagonists are lured to the mansion, there are some major red flags that all is not good.  If you're relaxing in the bath and some old woman sneaks in and pretends to be your boyfriend and starts washing your hair and when you try and say something, starts yanking it painfully.  Plus their hosts don't let them change clothes in days (would any woman really put up with not changing clothes for that period of time and just not say anything?!) and when it comes to dinner, their hosts seem only too keen for them to drink dodgy-looking liquid with glee.

The first half was pretty slow, but it gets a lot better in the second half when the bodies start piling up.  There's not too much gore, but the practical effects are simple and realistic.  However, its major let-down was its dialogue.  The two female leads are pretty good, but all the bad guys just come across as cliches and one-dimensional evil dudes with no real depth, other than to be the antagonist.  The spout cliched villain lines at every turn and are more of a joke than the serious film probably wants them to be.

There's a bit of over-the-top gore at the end that feels a bit out of place, baring in mind the limits the characters were capable of during the film's runtime and you may have to suspend your disbelief for that one.  But, despite its faults, overall the film is a solid little watch if you have nothing better to do and fancy some mindless hunting/action.  But, if you have 'Ready or Not' in your collection, probably best to watch that - it's better in every department and a very similar premise.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights