Halloween at Aunt Ethel's (2014) - Trying too hard

When I first switched this film it actually seemed like it had a lot of promise.  It's a kind of slasher/horror film where an old woman (Aunt Ethel, in case you hadn't guessed) in an American town is thought to abduct and kill kids while they trick or treat on Halloween.  A reasonable enough plot for a low budget horror movie (unless you think too hard about how this woman can operate while everyone knows and no law enforcement agency has thought to look into how dozens of children disappear forever on the same night every year for decades when around the same house).

It's self-aware stylishly shot, but the script just isn't as funny as it thinks it is.  The cast aren't recognisable and they're trying their best with what they're given, but they just come across as overacting in every scene.  Maybe if the script was better you can ignore the scenery-chewing element, but while neither is strong it's actually quite hard to watch.

Plus it seems a lot longer than it actually is.  It's only about an hour and ten minutes, but you get long scenes of characters texting each other and s3x scenes which are just there because the actors clearly didn't mind (or were paid well enough!) to indulge in.

Perhaps the worst acting (and make-up!) come from 'Aunt Ethel' herself.  I get how villains can be 'larger than life' in their sadistic kills (ala Freddy, from the 'Nightmare' franchise), but she overacts more than the rest of the cast put together and she's not funny, intimidating or even horrific in appearance. 

Not much happens in the first half of the film and the humour is pretty low-brow.  If it has one high point it's the 'milf' who actually made me laugh when she was on screen.  It may be short, but it feels long.  There are a million better movies to watch on Halloween.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

White Settlers (2014) - Undone if you think too deeply

I guess even back in the seventies there was the 'sub-genre' of horror films known as the 'home invasion' type. It was when an innocent couple or family were trapped in their home by some very hostile people, intent on either robbing them, doing them harm, or both.

'White Settlers' certainly fits into that category.  Although I didn't really think the title 'White Settlers' really fitted as it seems to sound like their will be a 'racial element' to this film that's connected with skin colour and there isn't.  A well-to-do English couple buy an old house in the Scottish countryside and, on their very first night, the place gets broken into and they find themselves in a fight for survival.

First of all, the scenery is good - the film does well to showcase the dramatic and rugged landscape which makes up the Scottish countryside.  And the two leads are likeable enough (even if the husband does get a bit annoying at times with his 'jokes').

If you've ever seen a 'home invasion' film then you'll know that's pretty much the premise of every one of them - and if you're looking for something to watch like that, this will fit the bill.  However, it's only when you think a little deeper into what's actually happening (or rather what has happened during the film's runtime) that it doesn't really make much sense.

I may be sounding a little vague, but unless we go into 'spoiler' territory, I can't really say any more.  It certainly in 100% a 'home invasion' movie and as long as you dwell on what's happening right in front of you it should fit the bill.  But if you even dare to slightly think any further about what might happen next for the characters then the whole film just fell apart conceptually for me.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Toxic Avenger (1984) - Perfectly-crafted awfulness

There are bad films and then there are the films that seem to be 'too bad to be good' and end up being guilty pleasures.  1984's 'The Toxic Avenger' definitely fits into the latter, but in many similar cases, film-makers started off trying to make some sort of masterpiece and just left everyone laughing at them, developing a cult following (ever heard of 'The Room?').  However, I have a real feeling that the people who made 'The Toxic Avenger' knew what they were doing.

I can't believe they have sat down in pre-production and actually thought they would be 're-inventing cinema' with this one.  In short: they knew it was going to be bad and leaned into it - heavily.

It's like the directors looked at every last shot and thought, how can we make it cheesier and more crazy?  It they couldn't get the foreground actors to totally chew up the scenery every step away, pay careful attention to what the background extras are getting up to - everything from having a fight to, er, well having more fights (not to mention just looking generally out of place and odd).

Since 'Iron Man' and the dawn of the 'age of the superhero' we know the formula for films like this.  Average man gets superheroes and fights crime, possibly rescuing a damsel along the way.  For thar part 'The Toxic Avenger' doesn't mix much up, but it just does everything so insanely, you'll certainly remember it once the credits roll.  In fact, what with the Marvel Shared Universe slowly running out of steam, I'd be well up to see the Toxic Avenger head through the multiverse and take over the running of S.H.I.E.L.D from Nick Fury.

It's lewd.  It's crude.  It has excessive gore and is just mad.  If you do think you're suffering from 'superhero fatigue' then you need to watch this.  It will restore your faith in the genre.  Just don't take the kids along to see this one.  This is not a superhero's world you want your children running around in.  Watch it before it gets remade.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Arctic Void aka 'Civil Twilight' (2022) - Beautiful, well-scripted and haunting

This one was a real surprise as I had no idea what I was in for when I found this on a streaming service.  It's about an American film crew who are making a documentary aboard a tourist ship while it travels around the coasts of Norway when something majorly spooky occurs.

I kind of want to leave the plot vague as when I watched it I was really interested to see what had happened and how much of a pay-off I'd get from my investment.  I was pleased to say that by the time the credits rolled, most - pertinent - questions were answered and I felt satisfied that I hadn't wasted an hour and a half of my life.

From the beginning I was struck with just how amazing the scenery was.  Kudos to the director who uses the landscape to its fullest in a way that Peter Jackson did with the New Zealand landscape for the 'Lord of the Rings' films.  The vast empty landscapes and deserted towns really add to the overall creepy and hopeless vibe.

And there's the script.  There's only really three main characters and they're all well-written and don't make those typically stupid decisions that people in horror films normally make.  Hopefully, you'll actually care for them and their plight.

I was surprised that the film's ratings were generally pretty low.  I'm guessing that if people didn't like this film it may be because it is quite a slow burner and it's all about building tension rather than with monsters and jump scares.  I guess there are still some questions which remain unanswered and that may annoy some people, but if you're in the mood for a horror/sci-fi movie which relies on mood and atmosphere over blood and guts then you might like this one.  I certainly did.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Blood Vessel (2019) - Not as bad as I thought

There's so many dire movies (especially in the horror genre - which happens to be a favourite of mine) on streaming platforms that when I find one that's even half decent it feels like this is some sort of 'masterpiece' compared to 90% of most streaming platforms' content.

During World War II, a lifeboat of Allied soldiers finds itself stranded at sea, until they come across a large German ship which they board, only to find is deserted.  Naturally, something supernatural has occurred, but it takes cast a little longer to pick up on this.

The cast itself has to be one of the most diverse bunch of stereotypes I've seen in a long time.  Now, despite this probably being seen as a 'negative' the characters are actually quite entertaining and I found myself being able to forgive the typical national traits the writers have bestowed on each protagonist.  Although I swear there was the odd time where the script fell back on 'modern' language instead of working out what kind of insults were appliable from the various nationalities of the era.

One of the survivors is a woman (nurse) who does come across as a little too 'strong-willed' and '2023-esque' than a wartime nurse probably was in those days.  But, when they come across the lone survivor on the boat (a little girl) the two share a few 'Aliens-style' 'Ripley and Newt' moments.

It's quite a slow burner of a film as over two thirds of the runtime is largely taken up with the Allied soldiers wandering round the vessel wondering what happens.  The supernatural threat doesn't really show itself until over fifty minutes into the film's life.  I'm guessing because the movie didn't have much of a budget, the film-makers didn't want too many special effects or heavy make-up shots in order to save money.  The problem is that the 'threat' looks a little goofy and I even found myself laughing when the creatures rubbery ears wobbled when it moved too jerkily.

But, like I say, overall I enjoyed the story and, although it wasn't anything original or something I hadn't seen done a million times before, it killed an hour and a half and I enjoyed some of the choices the story took in order to hammer home the bleakness of the period.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Species III (2004) - Reduced to a 'D-movie'

I'm not saying the original 'Species' movie was a masterpiece.  Anything revolving around an over-sexed alien running round trying to er 'reproduce' with as many men as possible is hardly going to be regarded as 'high art.' But, boy, was it hot fun back in the day.  It had (somehow!) well-established actors among the cast and a creature designed by the same man who had come up with the look of the 'xenomorph' from the iconic 'Alien' franchise.

Then came the sequel.  No, it wasn't as good as the original, but it was okay.  If you had your sights set low enough you could still get some fun out of it.  Now we come to 'part 3.' This one went straight to TV, not even deemed good enough for a mainstream theatrical release.  And I can't say I'm surprised.

If you gauge how good a movie is by how much you want to check your mobile phone during its runtime, then you'll be scrolling through the social media site of your choice for just over ninety minutes.  It really is just dull.

The original star of the first two movies (Natasha Henstridge) returns for the third chapter, but don't get too hopeful - her role is little more than a cameo and you could have probably got a similar looking actress to play the part and no one would have noticed.  We have another rogue scientist trying to splice human and alien DNA and - guess what - it results in an attractive girl or two running round trying to keep her species alive - if you get what I mean.

Only this time the characters don't even come close to being likable and you won't really care about the fate of mankind if these people are the best we have to offer.  Whereas before the alien effects looked genuinely creepy and if they could well have come from another world or dimension, now they're basically a man in a rubber suit jumping about the place while the camera tries to cut away quickly to disguise what they really are.

There's a bit of gore here and there, but it doesn't elevate the film at all.  This is one film that could have once upon a time be considered part of a trash (but fun) B-movie franchise, yet has descended into just something that you probably shouldn't bother wasting your time with.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Clerks III (2022) - The ultimate in 'fan service'

There were few more film-makers in the 90s who influenced me more than Kevin Smith.  After all, he invented the 'shared universe' long before Marvel brought it to the big screen!  I was almost his one man publicity machine back then, getting as many of my friends into his world as I could.  However, slowly his films changed and I think the last one I actually enjoyed was 'Clerks 2' way back in 2006.  Now, when I think of Kevin Smith, I just see him crying over bad 'Star Wars' films on YouTube and the abomination of his 'He-Man' series on Netflix.  The when he rebooted his most famous characters 'Jay and Silent Bob' on the big screen I don't think I laughed once during its runtime.

What I'm saying is that my hopes were not high when I sat down to watch 'Clerks III.' I don't remember it even being released in the cinemas (but then that could have been something to do with the global pandemic).  So I finally decided to watch it on a streaming service.  And - eventually - I was glad I did.

I kind of starts off a bit on shaky ground.  We're back at the Quickstop shop and lifelong buddies Dante and Randal are embarking on yet another day in the life of an employee there.  I'm fine with regurgitating the setting, but the jokes seemed to take a while to get going and, when they did, I just felt they'd lost their realistic edge (I was on the brink of turning it off when a doctor in a hospital arrived to the ward wearing a Halloween witch's costume.  But I stuck with it.

And I was rewarded for doing so, as I ended up getting a film that wasn't just laugh out loud funny, but also quite heart felt in more than one place.  The story centres on the two main characters deciding to chronicle their lives on film, i.e. making a film of the first film (how meta!).  And that was great - for me.  But then I've seen - and loved - every film in the 'Viewaskewniverse' (with the exception of the Jay and Silent Bob reboot).  So I was well catered for, picking up on every sly wink and nod to camera and the relating back to past exploits and stories.

If this film truly has a 'downside' is that, if I pictured myself as watching it out of the blue with no knowledge regarding what has come before, I simply wouldn't have 'got' anything.  I wouldn't have a clue why the things that were happening were funny or tragic (or both).

So, basically, if you're a fan of Smith's early work then this is the ideal conclusion to the 'world' he's created.  However, if you have no idea of anything that's come before this I would probably recommend starting with the original 'Clerks' film - don't worry, it still holds up (and the sequel is pretty good, too). 

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that