Mission Impossible III - The name’s Cruise, Tom Cruise

Yes, it’s that time again where Tom Cruise basically gives us the American version of a James Bond film (not counting Matt Damon’s Bourne saga).  Now, that might be a bit of a copy... you have the typical globetrotting, coupled with the man who’s going to sell something bad to someone even worse, not to mention a doublecross which you may or may not see coming.  However, the Mission Impossible films just so happen to be really good fun.

For a start they’re all serious (i.e. like the ‘modern’ Bond films, rather than Roger Moore’s time holding the Vodka Martinis), so if you’re looking for something a little tongue-in-cheek then you won’t find it here.  And they’re filled with enough action to make Bond himself work up a sweat.  However, unlike Bond and Bourne, Tom doesn’t go it alone.  He has a team of IMF agents in tow to help him get the job done.  And, in this case, the ‘job’ involves catching someone bad who’s trying to sell something even worse to someone yet still worse (I think I mentioned that).

And, like just about every other international spy film, they have to travel the world to many scenic locations to blow stuff up (not that they mean to blow up every venue they visit, but it just happens to always end up that way).  So, if that sort of film is your cup of tea, you’ll be in for a couple of fun-filled hours.

Yes, you might have to suspend your disbelief a little bit to imagine Tom Cruise still managing to remain in one piece (due to the amount of punishment he can apparently take), let alone capable of saving the world every few minutes, but... isn’t that why we’ve watched the Bond films for so long?

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Cyborg Cop - So dreadful it's actually entertaining

The score I'm giving this film shouldn't really be taken as a comparison to - what most people would call - 'good movies.' If you go by my rating alone then it looks like I'm saying that 'Cyborg Cop' is up there with the best of them.  And it isn't.  It's NOT a good movie.  It's terrible.  However, sometimes a film is so bad it sort of goes all the way round the houses and backs into the 'good' category.  Actually, I'll call this film 'entertaining' rather than 'good.'

I suppose it's a 'B-movie,' but it's probably more a 'C' or 'D' movie.  It doesn't have any actors you'll recognise (unless you know what the dwarf, Gimli, from 'Lord of the Rings' looks like without make-up).  The script is awful.  The special effects look like the runner-up of your local Halloween fancy dress parade and the story doesn't really hold up under scrutiny.  Yet, I can't help but enjoy every daft minute of it.

Two cops quit the force because, er, reasons that don't really make that much sense and are not that important in relation to the rest of the story.  One brother then decides to adopt a child and then go on some sort of assassination mission in a random South American island (or something - again, realism has already been thrown out the window).  Unfortunately, he gets more than he bargained for after a 'faux Predator-style' action scene against an army of useless henchmen, when he's captured by the villain, played by John Rhys Davis (alternating between his natural Welsh accent and a Yorkshire on, I think) and turned into a cyborg soldier (not 'cop' interestingly enough).  Now it's up to his other brother to save him.

I know 'Cyborg Cop' was made in the nineties, but somehow it feels like it belongs in the eighties.  It's a total mess and, if you're not looking for a sci-fi/action movie that's in any way serious/believable then you should find this very entertaining.  It's definitely up there with the 'best' 'so-bad-they're-good' types of films.  I just hope the (numerous!) sequels live up to just how (awfully!) good this one is.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Predator - One day, all movies will be made like this

And if that day comes then I'll be very happy. Nearly 25 years on and `Predator' is still as fresh and gripping as it was in the eighties. Simply, everything works. If you don't know the plot (then you've probably been hiding in the jungle trying to avoid head-hunting monsters) it's about a team of commandos (lead by Arnold Schwarzenegger at the height of his fame) who get stalked by a particularly nasty alien hunter.

Put simply... if you're a fan of either/or action or science-fiction then you'll love this. But what makes it work when so many similar films have come and gone and been chalked up as nothing more than glorified copies?

First of all is Arnold - an actor not always known for his acting abilities, but, when it comes to looking tough and firing guns (let alone mud-wrestling aliens) there can be no one better. His team, although never really given much screen time to really establish their real personalities, are also equally likeable. Then there's the plot. There isn't really one. It's so simply, it barely needs explaining, i.e. alien vs soldiers in jungle (there are some sub plots about deceiving and male bonding, but they're over before you realise they're getting in the way of things). The creature itself is impressive. It was the first onscreen baddie to really make use of `invisibility' and its movements are all very `alien' and different to anything ever before it. Then you have the action: it's pretty relentless. The direction is simple and effective all the way through. It doesn't need today's flashy `MTV' style editing to make it look cool. It is cool all by itself.

The film's marketing tagline was, `Nothing like it has ever been on Earth before...' and, in some ways, that could describe more than just the movie. There has never been a sci-fi action film as pure as Predator and anything that follows it will always have to pay homage to this - the original. Its successors (i.e. Predator 2, Alien vs Predator 1 and 2 and Predators) are all reasonable, but, even though they're about the same alien, they will never truly match up.

Like sci-fi? Like action? Then you've probably already seen Predator. If you haven't - then do it, do it NOW!!!

10/10 The Monty Python Knights of Camelot are currently looking for this

Severence - A cheeky little number

Danny Dyer.  The name conjures up images of some of the greatest films set to grace the big screen of all time.  Yeah... right.  His films (post ‘The Business’ and that one about football hooligans that was kind of similar to the one Frodo was in have hardly set the Box Office ablaze).  However, somehow he still gets works.  And for a good reason – no matter how bad his films get, we – the people – still seem to watch them.

And that’s just the bad ones! ‘Severence’ is actually pretty good.  So, er, we have a group of people (including Mr Dyer) on a trip to somewhere remote (do you care?) where they get picked off one by one.  Yeah, it’s basically a ‘slasher’ movie only with white-collar office workers (if you can believe that Danny Dyer would ever be employed by any self respecting office) instead of dumb, blonde, American teenagers (although I should mention that one of Danny’s co-workers is actually American and blonde – I wouldn’t dare say ‘dumb’).

So, if you’ve seen one slasher film then you’ve basically seen them all – including this.  Just don’t take it as an excuse not to indulge.  Yes, it’s nothing new, but it sure is fun.  The dialogue is snappy and the characters fun to watch.  And, if that’s not enough, you have the gore.  Again, for a low budget film with no stars (sorry, Danny – no offence, but you’re hardly Tom Cruise) the gore is nicely done and pretty sick (special mention to a missing leg scene).

And, if nothing else, there is possibly the most amusing use even of a rocket launcher (if not the sickest – technically) that even rivals the RPG fired in Chris Morris’ ‘Four Lions.’

Don’t expect a great movie with Oscar-worthy performances, or self-realising character arcs.  Basically, if you like daft, cheesy slasher films then you should enjoy this.  And if you also appreciate Danny Dyer’s ‘acting’ abilities then you’ll get double for your money.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Flypaper - Sometimes the best films are ones you know nothing about  

All the way through Flypaper I couldn't help but think of another film - Botched. I knew nothing about it before I saw it and only watched it because there was nothing else. It was one of the most amusingly entertainingly silly films I've seen - until now.

I also didn't know anything about Flypaper, but watched it anyway. Like Botched, it's about a bank robbery that goes wrong. This time, two sets of gangs try to rob a bank. That, in itself, is a recipe for disaster. However, the hostages are a bunch of misfits and there might even be a deeper conspiracy going on here.

I'm not going to say too much about it as I don't want to give anything away. All I'll say is that Flypaper has more humour than most comedies. More twists than most thrillers and a better story than most high-budget blockbusters (oh, and it does all that with less famous faces than the majority of Hollywood's output).

Flypaper is not to be taken seriously. It certainly doesn't set out to be so. It is, however, a great chuckle. A rare and cheap gem among faceless giants of films.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud - Not up to the original

I like to think that I knew what I was getting when I decided to watch 'Chud II.' I knew it was an old horror film from the eighties with minimal budget and no big name actors. I expected it to be a little bit tacky and a lot cheesy. I've watched and loved such (bad!) classics such as ‘Critters, Ghoulies, Killer Klowns’ and ‘Chopping Mall’ – all of which were – technically – awful, but still incredibly enjoyable in a 'so-bad-it's-good' kind of way.

Sadly, ‘Chud II’ does not even fall into that category.  For a start, I enjoyed the first ‘C.H.U.D.’ film – which was a dark tale about monsters living in the New York sewers and a band of people trying to expose a conspiracy behind them.  So, I was expecting more of the same.  However, what I got was a totally different film that’s (hardly) anything to do with the original (think the way ‘Trolls 2’ wasn’t really anything to do with ‘Trolls’).

‘Chud 2’ isn’t awful; it's just a bit dull really. It doesn't have the budget to be overly horrific (or even a little scary). Instead, it tries to be funny, but somehow that just doesn't work. It's about a couple of teenagers who steal the military's last Chud (or 'zombie' as we know them) and accidentally unleash it on the town.

Therefore, everyone in the way gets bit and subsequently turned into yet more hungry flesh-eaters. So the story isn't that original, but, if it was handled a little bit better, it might at least have been fun. As it was, it just felt forced and something trying desperately to be really funny and failing at ever point.   The budget is low, but I’ve seen plenty of low budget films which at least manage to use what limited funds they have to pull off some gory effects.  Don’t expect that here.  Everything is totally played for laughs (which often fall flat) and it’s almost like ‘Return of the Living Dead (for kids!).

There aren’t any big name actors in the film who you’ll know, but at least the man who plays the main ‘CHUD’ does his best with what he’s given – which is mainly ‘physical’ humour and pulling funny faces.  About the only actor you may know is Robert Vaughn who is probably the only one who knows about comic timing.  Although his character does tend to ‘chew up the scenery’ a bit and overact, he’s definitely the best person when it comes to delivering his lines.

There are plenty more classic eighties horrors out there which are much better than this. Stick with one of those.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Hostage - A thriller that does the job

If you're looking for an all out action (dare I say `Die Hard?') type movie then `Hostage' is not going to tick all the boxes you want it to. It's not what you'd call `classic Bruce Willis,' i.e. him running around shooting one bad guy after the next (excluding the last quarter of an hour or so). Instead, you get a more `muted' performance from the balding action man. However, that's not to say that he doesn't bring an air of A-list to what is technically a B-movie.

Our Bruce is a burned-out hostage negotiator who has taken a job as a simple sheriff, but his easy life takes a wrong turn when a gang of thugs breaks into a mob boss' accountant's house, taking the hapless pen-pusher's children hostage while the very same mob kidnaps his wife and daughter. Therefore he must use his head (and his negotiating skills) as opposed to his gun to save both families.

Like I say, it's not all out action on the scale of Die Hard, but, if you're a fan of Brucie then this is definitely one for your collection. Lately, Mr Willis has made some right duffers of movies and popped up as little more than extended cameos in others. Hostage is definitely not one of those. It is a very definite Bruce Willis affair. If you're looking for an out and out thriller that offers enough thrills and spills to keep you amused for nearly two hours, then this is the one for you.
Watchable, enjoyable, possibly forgettable, but fun.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that