Altered - There’s enough right here to ignore what’s wrong

‘Altered’ – it’s a B-movie.  And, one of the best things about it is that it doesn’t really pretend to be much else.  Plus it throws us into the action right from the beginning.  What backstory there is is told to us in a few lines here and there.  We join our redneck heroes as they only manage to capture a real life alien, while hunting in the woods at night (Agent Fox Mulder – take note – this is how it’s done!).

However, it’s no fluke that they managed to snare the little green man.  For his mates only went and abducted the rednecks when they were children and even went so far as to kill one of their mullet-haired number.  Hence our redneck protagonists are out for a little rural revenge.  Then they take the stricken extraterrestrial back to another former abductee’s house while they decide what they want to do with their unwelcome guest.

Although, this little green man isn’t cute and cuddly like E.T. – he’s the kind of alien who prefers to rip your face off and infect you with some skin-melting disease.  And – guess what – it’s not long before he gets loose.  And he’s not happy!

So, what we’re left with is a fight for survival, as our rednecks find they’re being picked off one by one.  From there you can probably guess the rest.  There’s nothing here too revolutionary, but that doesn’t make it an enjoyable little watch.  If you’re into horror B-movies and are bored with the constant need to show us zombies and vampires, then you should give this one a go.

As I mentioned in my title, there are a few things wrong with it.  Sometimes the characters make the odd decision that may leave you rolling your eyes, but the general fun theme of the film should hopefully allow you to suspend your disbelief when someone does something a little bit silly.  And, don’t get me started on the alien spaceship – let’s just say the popular opinion of it is that it’s more of a ‘space frog’ (I have to say I agree on that one).

So, if you like horror, aliens and can appreciate a decent, low budget little B-movie, you should enjoy this.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

The Host - Love conquers aliens

Oh no! The Bodysnatchers' glowy-eyed cousins have only gone and taken over Earth, implanting their white balls of light in every human. Luckily, one young girl indulged in much running through sprinkler systems with her human boyfriend. Therefore, when she gets captured and turned into an alien, her conscious still remains. Cue two hours of the girl `talking to herself' while she seeks out and tries to convince her former lover that her human `soul' still remains in this alien-possessed body.

However, the aliens send super-nasty Diane Kruger to track her down and generally do her best to thwart all forms of human resistance. You may think that a superior alien race would be able to find a bunch of humans in a cave. Luckily, these aliens don't seem to have any advanced technology, other than the ability to put themselves in other life-forms' bodies. They tend to hunt people on foot and in cars (because obviously space ships would just be a bit silly).

`The Host' was written by the same author as Twilight. Yes, it has aliens instead of vampires. However, the overall feeling is strangely similar. For all its science-fiction undertones, it is basically a teenage love story. And I guess teenagers will be the primary audience for this. Me... I'm just too cynical to really appreciate this. I found the `message' that humans deserved to be taken over because - as the aliens say - we are a war-like and brutal race, who was destroying their own planet anyway. Yeah, I think we can all relate to that, but then we have to have the point that, no matter how nasty humans are, love can conquer everything, therefore making us better than our cold-hearted invaders.
I've seen plenty of alien invasion movies - some with big budget special effects and some that are more subtle. This one was just too slow and too `loved up' for me. I can't give it more than 3/5 stars. However, I looked up the demographics on how it was rated on movie sites online. It scored plenty of solid 4/5s and 5/5 from teenagers, therefore I think I'll leave this one to them.

If only Sigourney Weaver had just `loved' the aliens then she probably wouldn't have had to just keep blasting them out of airlocks.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Live and Let Die – A Whole New Bond Era

As any – true – Bond fan knows, Sean Connery is the best James Bond.  I guess that means I’m not a ‘true’ fan, as Roger Moore was always my favourite agent with a Walter PPK.  But, before you hate me for that, I did grow up in the seventies and eighties with fond memories of watching Moore in the cinema and on TV on Sunday afternoons.  To me he was Bond and no one else was.  It was only later in life when I properly watched Sean Connery’s Bond and realised just how different Moore’s take on the superspy really was.

Now, both are great, but ‘Live and Let Die’ is Moore’s first outing and it was immediately a lighter affair.  There is violence here and there, but it almost always comes from the baddies.  Connery was not beyond giving a woman a punch in the face here and there if he thought the situation warranted it, whereas Moore is a more gentle and dignified Government killer.

The plot centres on more of a ‘simple’ Bond villain, i.e. Yaphet Kotto’s 'Kananga' and his attempts at bringing in drugs to the USA.  This feels almost believable when compared to Spectre’s previous exploits involving world domination and secret volcano bases.  However, what the plot makes up for in believability, it soon goes into typical Bond ‘over-the-topness’ – we have plenty of crazy attempts on Bond’s life, plus killer scarecrows, human sacrifices and a villain who just won’t die – no, seriously.  But, it could be cynically said that if you’ve seen one Bond film then you’ve seen them all – generally expect the chases, the ‘muted’ fist fights of yesterday (before slow-mo and bullet time became the norm!) and of course beautiful girls falling at our hero’s feet.  It’s all there.  It’s just now wrapped up in a decidedly campy package that never really would have worked with Connery’s wry smile.

Moore had a lot to live up to by stepping into a role made so famous by another actor and he did that by completely changing how he played the role.  Here, self-knowing humour is used almost as much as his PPK.  There’s often a division between Connery and Moore fans.  Many prefer the darker, more serious tone of Connery, however, if you’re looking for a decent little cheeky romp and a beautifully over the top performance by comedy relief Clifton James as Sheriff Pepper then this will certainly entertain.  And it has added marks for utilising about the most – memorable – henchmen in one film – you have Whisper (and man who only speaks in whispers), a guy with a claw for a hand, a man who can’t be killed, a man who sacrifices people with snakes and, as mentioned, a guy you can shoot in the head and he just comes back at the end.  Sorry, maybe I should have put a ‘spoiler’ warning there.  Anyway, it’s great fun for a new Bond era.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Riding The Bullet - Not King’s finest ‘on-screen’ hour

Okay, so most of Stephen King’s books which have made the transition to film have been a little dubious to say the least. However, they always seem to be at least watchable. This one isn’t.

It’s about a student who learns his mother has had a stroke. Therefore he decides to hitchhike home to see her in hospital. Ignoring the fact that he doesn’t seem to have any mode of transport or finances to take public transport, he sets off.

What follows is one random scene after the next. It’s like the whole film is just his encounters along the way. Yes, some are well done and quite creepy or unsettling. However, there is simply no story here. He meets one weird character. He leaves them. Rinse and repeat.

Like I say, it has its creepy moments. Plus the acting is decent enough. There just isn’t a story here at all. The young man starts at university. He ends up by his mother’s side. Along the way are a few instances of weirdness. If you get bored (and I sure did), you can even skip chapters on the DVD. Each chapter is basically one weird/random encounter with a stranger. Therefore you can effectively skip the entire middle part of the film (while he’s on the road) and still not miss anything and understand it completely.

Definitely one to avoid. Stick to Pet Sematery.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Wag the Dog - Did they know more than they let on?

There are times when art is an imitation of life and then there's 'Wag the Dog,' i.e. the opposite.  Back in 1997, it was 'fiction' when this film portrayed the American President as a bit of a naughty boy when he gets caught with a younger woman in a compromising position in the Oval office.  Therefore, with only eleven days before re-election, he's forced to take the heat off him by any means possible.  In this case, hiring 'fixer' Robert DeNiro and Hollywood producer Dustin Hoffman to stage a fake 'war' in order to divert attention.  Little did the film-makers know (or did they?) how only a little while later (then) President Clinton would find himself in a similar (compromising!) position.

At the time of its release it was looked at as a clever satire of how Governments use the media for modern day propaganda.  Soon after the Clinton scandal, it's now almost become a 'historical document' (or at least reenactment).  If you're a fan of political satire then you have to watch this.  It's up there with 'Yes, Prime Minister, The Thick of It, The West Wing' and 'Veep.'

Now, if the casting of DeNiro (at his best!) and Hoffman doesn't sell this movie to you, then nothing will.  But, if you want more, you also have excellent performances from Anne Heche, Woody Harlelson and William H Macy.  Of course all of those play second fiddle to the film's two 'heavy hitters' who seem to enjoy sparring for the bulk of the screen presence. 

'Wag the Dog' isn't a long film and flies by.  Yes, there are a couple of points that might not have turned out to be true (to our knowledge!), but there's a lot there that will make you think, so if you're looking for a movie that does more than just entertain and show hordes of aliens trashing New York then you should definitely check this one out.  It's brilliantly acted, very clever and truly timeless.

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

Clown - Quirky little horror

I’ve been watching Eli Roth’s horror offerings ever since he grossed the world out with ‘Hostel.’ Granted most of his work post that little gem have been a little below par, but I still have hopes that he’ll return to form.  I wouldn’t say ‘Clown’ is exactly memorable or a classic in its genre, but at least it’s a step in the right direction.

A clown due to entertain at a child’s birthday party lets the family down.  Luckily, the dad has access to a home up for sale and all of its contents.  There, he finds an old clown suit and puts it on in order to entertain the kids.  This is all well and good... until he finds that he can’t actually take the costume off.  Most people would say that it’s a pretty horrific prospect in itself to be stuck in a grubby old clown’s suit for the rest of your life.  However, what’s really bad, is that it starts affecting his mood... with murderous consequences.

Normally, there’s already some ancient monster running around, so it does make a bit of a change to see a loving father slowly changes into the monster in question.  And the transformation is slow, but worth it as he starts off as just a guy in a dirty outfit and slowly becomes one hell of a nasty creature (think Jeff Goldblum in 'The Fly').

The acting is pretty standard all round – nothing special, but nothing bad either.  Plus there is a kid in the film.  Kids can be hard to watch at the best of times, let alone in a low budget horror.  I’m pleased to say that here the boy is tolerable enough not to spoil the entire film.  There is some gore, but not much - don't expect a major 'gore fest'.  The ‘horror’ of the film is in the make-up – which is pretty nasty during the final act and it does get pretty dark towards the end and it doesn't pull any punches when it comes to who gets brutally murdered in a children's 'soft play' area!

There's also some moral questions raised when it comes to the mother figure of the film.  Should and could she kill her husband?  And what about the 'true' way to defeat the monster, i.e. sacrificing random kids to save her own?  What would you do?

‘Clown’ is nothing that special, but, if you’re a fan of the horror genre, it’s certainly watchable and different enough to raise itself – ever so slightly – above the piles of forgettable films in the genre.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

The Dead Next Door - It's bad (but I liked it!)

There are many great zombie movies around these days. 'The Dead Next Door' will never be one of them.  And that's a shame, because if films were rated on the effort and love put into them, I think this one would get a 10/10.

The dead have risen.  Society has fallen.  Now a few humans... Yeah, you've heard it all before.  Why should you bother with this one?  Well, you probably shouldn't.  Zombie movies were done better before (the George A Romero trilogy prior to this one's release in 1989) and after it with more recent films like '28 Days Later' and TV shows such as the early seasons of 'The Walking Dead.'

'The Dead Next Door' is extremely cheap.  And I don't just mean the special effects look like what you'd probably see on a made-for-TV B-movie.  This movie has all the hallmarks of a student's final film studies production.  The film stock used seems to be grainy, the actors are about as good as the local janitor, the characters are so dumb they make your average blonde bimbo in a slasher film look intelligent and the dialogue appears to have been dubbed on in post production.  So why do I own a copy of this carcrash?

Maybe because it's just so bad it's good?  Not just that.  The was a distinct 'drought' of zombie films after 'Day of the Dead' (1986) and 'The Dead Next Door' kind of filled that void in the early nineties until 'Resident Evil' kind of single-handedly reignited the genre.  Plus the idea behind 'The Dead Next Door' is pretty reasonable.  It deals with people's reaction to losing their loved ones and, although it does borrow a few of the more minor themes from greater zombie films, it does its best to expand on them and try something different.

So, I enjoyed it and watch it from time to time.  However, it's definitely an 'acquired taste.' I wouldn't really recommend it to everyone, unless you're incredibly forgiving when it comes to your films and don't mind the cheapness and bad acting contained here.  Although, to be fair, the gore is pretty good and the zombie make-up is as good as any in a Romero movie!

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that