The Hollow (2004) - The 'Sleepy' one is better

According to everything I read online, this film was made in 2004.  However, i wouldn't surprise me if I found it was actually filmed in 1994 and then sat on the shelf in some studio for ten years, before finally being released to the public (on TV!).  I don't think I've seen another movie that looks 'so nineties' which wasn't actually made during the time period.

Now, if that isn't a drawback in itself, the fact that the plot, set-up and dialogue could all come out of a typical 'slasher' film from the eighties.  I watched 'Sleepy Hollow' over twenty years ago.  I don't know how accurate it was when dealing with the lore concerning the 'headless horseman,' but it was damn entertaining and I still watch it to this day. 'Hollow' is about the same antagonist, only set in modern times.

Seriously, adding a love triangle between 'the jock, the nerd' and 'the cheerleader' to the tale does not add anything to it.  It's about as average as any horror film can be and offers absolutely nothing new.  Just watch Tim Burton's 'Sleepy Hollow' starring Johnny Depp and a whole host of better actors.  At least the horseman didn't have a head that looked a cross between Jack Pumpkinhead and one of the halloween masks in 'Halloween 3: Season of the Witch.' Avoid.

4/10

M3gan (2022) - Hardly original, but great fun

Dolls who come alive and kill people are hardly new in the horror genre (the 'Child's Play' franchise being the 'granddaddy' of them all), so 2022's 'M3gan' (or 'Megan' to be technically correct) has no right to be as entertaining as it actually is.

A computer/robotics engineer's niece is forced upon her when the little girl's parents tragically die in a car accident.  Rather than spend all her time looking after the youngster, she creates the first lifesize doll who can interact with the child, utilising the power of artificial intelligence.

Obviously, everything starts out fine, but naturally - being the horror genre - the doll takes on a life of its own and starts warping its own programming to fit its murderous intentions.

As I say, nothing new, but the doll itself is an excellent antagonist - she's made or metal and therefore has increased strength, not to mention perfect reactions.  But also she's wired into the internet, so effectively she possesses the entire knowledge of the world wide web and can tap into anything with a wifi connection.  Then, when chaos breaks out, she can just go limp and pretend to be a toy.

Despite being the antagonist, Megan was by far the best/most entertaining part of the film and it's rare that - effectively - a doll carries the movie.

Whether you're a fan of killer doll movies, or just horror in general, this one is definitely a slice above the rest.

8/10

Cruel Jaws (1995) - Just watch Jaws

Um, yeah, where to begin with this one - okay, simply... just watch 'Jaws.' Many films rip  off movies that are far better than them, but at least they try and make a few little tweaks that attempt to stand apart from their originals.  Not here.  Not really.

There's a shake.  It's terrorizing a beach.  One human believes this and tries to get the local authorities to do the right thing and close the water area to prevent more deaths.  Oh, I guess there is one different - 'Jaws' was a great white shark.  Here we have a tiger shark.  That's about it.

If it was just a blatant, pointless rip-off that would be one thing.  Sadly, it's also a stupid, blatant, pointless rip-off as well.  The shark appears completely bulletproof.  I lost count of the amount of times humans try and shoot at it at point blank range, only for it not to take an ounce of damage.  I guess the humans could just be so stupid they miss?  That could certainly explain it.  But then if someone is so stupid that they can't hit a massive shark when up close then they deserve to end up down it's throat.

As I say... just watch 'Jaws' if you're looking for a monster movie with a shark in it.  And, is it just me, or does the first few bars of the 'Star Wars' theme keep popping up here and there?

4/10

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (2024) - Not needed sub-plots

Guy Ritchie swaps out the gritty streets of London for World War 2's most secretive of mission in 'The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare' and delivers a bombastic, stylish wartime adventure that feels uniquely his own.  Having Henry Cavill as the lead certainly helps, as his charismatic performance steals ever scene while Ritchie's signature snappy dialogue blends an engaging tale of espionage and covert operations during World War II. 

However, its momentum falters due to a recurring subplot that struggles to justify its screen time.  Cavill shines as the suave yet steely leader of a ragtag team assembled to execute unconventional missions.   But its Ritchie’s signature rapid-fire banter and cleverly constructed exchanges that keep the dialogue sharp and engaging.  Fans of his classics like 'Snatch' and 'The Gentlemen' will recognize the familiar rhythm, which injects levity into the film’s more intense sequences without undermining the stakes.

 The action is another high point, showcasing meticulous choreography and a commitment to practical effects that lends authenticity to the set-pieces. Although the Germaas do suffer from 'Stormtrooper syndrome' where that can't hit our heroes, no matter how many bullets they spray at them.

Unfortunately, the film’s pacing takes a hit due to a subplot that repeatedly stalls the narrative. Without diving into spoilers, this thread—involving two other character on a side-quest —feels underdeveloped and overextended, detracting from the momentum built by the main plotline. Each time it resurfaces, it pulls focus away from the more compelling elements, leaving viewers eager to return to the action.  

Despite this flaw, 'The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare' is a solid entry in Ritchie’s filmography, offering plenty of thrills, laughs, and memorable performances. While the pacing issues prevent it from reaching the heights of his best work, it’s a film that delivers enough style and substance to warrant a watch—especially for fans of Cavill, Ritchie, or WWII-era adventures.  I just can't believe it was never released in cinemas in its home country, so best to find it on streaming now.

7/10

The Exterminators of the Year 3000 (1983) - Grab your 'mudda'

Rare is it that you can simply review and entire film with one sentence, but if I don't get the 'Mad Max' rip-off out of my system now I'll be just typing it over and over again.  It's a 'Mad Max' rip off.

Set in the distant future where whatever is left of humanity lives in a desert-like wasteland where water is the most valuable commodity.  Sound familiar?  Well, it doesn't end there.  A lone, scruffy road-warrior in a souped-up bruiser of a car is out to protect the innocent and punish the gang of punks who try and rule the wasteland through fear and violence.

It seems that supplies have become so scarce that the lead villain only has enough mascara and eyeliner for one eye.  Plus - and I don't know if this is because I watched a 'dubbed' version - but he repeatedly uses the phrase 'M*ther grabber.' I'm guessing this weird 'insult' or a translation replaces a slightly more 'hardcore' phrase.  Either way, every time he says it - and he says it a lot - I couldn't help but laugh.

Our (not Max at all) protagonist is a kind of cardboard cut-out, but then so is everyone else.  Probably no disrespect to the actors as they try their best, but the script really is pretty basic.  There's a kid in it quite a lot.  The film wouldn't have lost much if he wasn't in it, but he isn't as annoying as some children can be in these types of films.  Plus it's kind of funny when he gets drunk.

Is it terrible?  No.  It's perfectly watchable.  However, if you're looking for a movie like this, then I'm sure you can find one of the 'Mad Max' films lying around.  Even the worse is better than this and nowadays we have the remakes.  They're better, too.

5/10

Prophecy (1979) - What did I just watch?

When the credits rolled at the end of 'Prophecy' I literally had to think to myself what exactly I'd just watched.  I know I've sat through numerous horror films over the years, but even the worst stayed in my head while I was reading who was in it.  And, weirdly, 'Prophecy' wasn't that bad.

Trying my best to recall what I'd just witnessed, it's about a doctor and his wife who head out into the wilderness to - er - help something (or someone - like I say, details are already sketchy).  There, they come up against angry Native Americans, shady businessmen and - of course - monsters.

Yeah, so that's about all I can remember.  It's certainly not the worst horror film I've ever seen and the monster effects are passable.  They're practically (naturally, for the era/budget) and if you feel the need to see another rubbery creature then you'll find a few here - although they mainly come at the end.

Yes, the end.  It was the best part - I'm not just saying that to be deliberately harsh, but at least the final act moved a bit quicker than the rest.  As I say, this isn't the worst horror film I've ever see and I believe - from what I've read online - it does have a reasonable 'cult following.' I guess it just didn't gel with me like other similar offerings.

5/10

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988) - Nice idea, poorly executed

Ah, I do love a cheesy 80s horror B-movie.  And this one has everything I'm looking for... on paper.  A trio of naughty high school boys try and sneak a peek into a girls' sorority house, only to be caught and forced to steal a bowling trophy on display at a local shopping mall (no, really) where everyone falls foul of an imp-like genie inside.

I don't know what the film-makers were on when they came up with that, but that's the plot.  Yes, it's totally ridiculous, but, if handled correctly, it could have been a lot of fun.

Sadly, there isn't much here to recommend.  I guess there's nudity - of which there is some briefly at the beginning, but we have Google these days, so I doubt that will be much of a selling point.  There's virtually no gore and the special effects are definitely not special.  In fact, this could have the worst animated creature I've ever seen committed to film.  The acting is terrible.  Linnea Quigley is about the only name you may know (probably because you've seen 'Return of the Living Dead') and she actually handles herself during the fight scenes, but her dialogue is awful.  I know she can do better, but the script she's been given could have been so much better.

I found this on a streaming service and so I guess it was entertaining enough 'for free,' but I definitely don't think it would have been worth actually paying to watch for a group of individuals.  

5/10