Firestarter (2022) - Decent enough little horror film

As someone who seemed to miss the original 'Firestarter' back in 84, I found the 2022 remake on a streaming service and I therefore can't really compare the two.  However, this version is perfectly serviceable within the landscape of modern horror films, despite not really being a stand out which will break new ground.

Zac Efron is a father of a child with supernatural powers (his daughter can summon fire when she gets angry, in case you didn't guess).  Efron is desperate to protect his daughter from those who want to exploit her dangerous powers and the actor does a decent job here, delivering a solid performance, but it's clear that the role doesn't demand much from him. He's come a long way from his High School Musical days and a more dramatic script would certainly be within his capabilities.

The real focus of the film is, of course, on the young girl, Charlie, played by Ryan Kiera Armstrong. Her portrayal is a bit hit or miss.  At times, she's actually pretty watchable, but at other moments, her performance can feel a little forced or inconsistent. Given that Charlie's emotional journey is central to the story, this unevenness does impact the film's overall effectiveness.

The actual story is nothing that new, i.e. following a child with superpowers as she struggles to control them while being hunted by nefarious forces.  I guess if that's all you're looking for then you'll find a certain degree of entertainment here, even if it doesn’t bring much new to the table. The film’s pacing is generally fine, though it can feel a bit slow in places, and the tension doesn’t always build as effectively as it could.

I'm now tempted to seek out the original as it would be interesting to compare this version to the source material, especially considering how Stephen King's work has been adapted differently across various decades. While this 2022 remake is far from bad, it also doesn't stand out in the crowded field of recent horror releases. It's a watchable film that delivers some thrills, but it’s unlikely to leave a lasting impression.

6/10

Leave the World Behind (2023) - Attack of the CGI animals

It's rare that I sit and watch a film and like it and dislike it in equal amounts, based on alternate scenes.  Seriously, one minute I'm really enjoying the story and the next scene drags to such a degree that it practically feels unwatchable.

Julia Roberts and Ethan Hawke are the parents of a couple of teenagers who take their family away on a break to the countryside where they rent a villa, only to find that the rest of the world is gradually falling apart due to... Yeah, I'm not trailing off for dramatic purposes - I'm stopping because, by the time the credits roll, there are no real concrete answers to any of your questions, but I think that's kind of the point.

It's a decent enough premise and has an excellent cast.  However, my personal overall gripe with the story was just how much some of the scenes drag.  I confess... I watched it on an online streaming service and I have a very comfortable remote control which allows me to view the movie in ten second segments.  This allowed me to see whether anything vaguely interesting happened in the current scene I was watching.  If it went on too long, I could skip ahead with ease.  Some may say that doing this made me miss key points, but I disagree.  I could tell what was going on with the greatest of ease.

With all the movies on streaming services, many don't even hold my attention until the end.  Yet I'm pleased to say that 'Leave the World Behind' kept me entertained right until the end.  Maybe it was the (near) A-list cast, or whether I was hoping for some concrete answers as to what was going on, but I stuck with it and I definitely don't think I wasted me time on it.

I think I'd have been bored if I'd watched this at the cinema, but, thanks to my remote control, I kind of created my own 'director's cut' of the story and, as a result, enjoyed it all the more from doing so.  There are some genuinely creepy scenes which chart society's downfall - just try to roll with the poor CGI, especially when animals are involved.  I actually found one scene almost too painful to watch when two of the cast members are yelling for a long time at a wood full of computer generated critters.  Quite funny really - I'm surprised no one has memed that scene more!

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Black Phone (2021) - Not bad, but a little muddled

'The Black Phone' is an odd little beast.  It never seems to quite know whether it wants to be a supernatural horror film, or something more grounded in reality as it deals with both child abduction and spirits.

I'll give it credit for its visual presentation. The cinematography is as atmospheric as it is unsettling, capturing the eerie small-town setting and the claustrophobic confines of a basement where much of the story unfolds.  Plus the child actors, which can often blight any major production due to their inexperience, are surprisingly strong. 

Ethan Hawke, as the villainous 'Grabber,' is suitably creepy and his mask may well help him to up his character to (nearly!) the heights of other great horror icons. His portrayal of the masked kidnapper is nicely unsettling, as he switches between sinister calm and explosive violence. 

But I still think that where 'The Black Phone' falters is in its attempt to blend the supernatural elements with the real-world horror of child abduction. The titular black phone, which allows the kidnapped child to communicate with the ghosts of the Grabber’s previous victims, is a nice idea, but the film struggles to blend this supernatural aspect with the more grounded, psychological horror. 

Overall, 'The Black Phone' is a well-shot film with decent performances, especially from its young cast and Ethan Hawke as the villain.  However, its inability to fully commit to either the supernatural or the psychological aspects of its story leaves it feeling somewhat disjointed. 

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Truth or Dare (2018) - Um, yeah, it's sort of a thing

Hmm, yeah, what can I say.  It's a 'horror' movie.  Only there's not an awful lot that's horrific.  Take your usual amount of twenty-somethings who are cast as high-school teenagers and present them with a supernatural threat which slowly whittles down their numbers one by one.  A group of friends play a drunken game of 'Truth or Dare' while on holiday in Mexico, only to find that the game continues even when they get home - naturally, with fatal consequences.  Think you know the story?  If you've seen even a few movies of the same genre then you probably do.

And that's where 'Truth or Dare' falls down.  It's not inherently bad.  It just doesn't really offer anything any vaguely seasoned horror movie fan hasn't seen a hundred times before - and done better.

I know there are only so many different ways film-makers have of presenting - yet another - creepy tale, but some go someway to stand out.  I'm a big fan of the 'Scream' franchise (yes, even the later - not as well-received ones), simply because, although they may not be anything different (narratively speaking), but at least the writers inject some 'meta-humour' into the script to poke fun at the cliches associated with the genre.

Sadly, 'Truth or Dare' doesn't really offer anything even nearly new.  The characters are bland and you won't really remember any of them after the credits have rolled.  If you're looking for gore then there's a little bit here which isn't so bad, but - again - nothing you haven't seen done better.

Like I say, it's not a terrible film, but I doubt anyone with an interest in horror will really get much out of it.  The ending was nice (I literally mean the final scene!), but - again - the US remake of 'The Ring' had kind of already done something similar.  It's an okay enough experience to have on in the background if you find it on a streaming service and you don't have to pay full price to watch it.

5/10

Deadpool & Wolverine (2024) - Sit back and just enjoy it

I've head many different takes on the third 'Deadpool' entry - some enjoyed it, others didn't.  A few thought it was merely okay.  I guess what you're going to get out of this film is dependent on what you stand on the franchise and superhero films in general.

If you're utterly tired of superhero films then this one doesn't offer much that's different - a supervillain wants to destroy the world and our antihero, Deadpool, must (finally!) team up with Wolverine (complete with yellow comic book costume) and save the day.

And that's it.  There's absolutely nothing majorly new about this film, so you could say it's merely average, unless - like me - it ticks all the boxes you're looking for in a film.  Ryan Reyolds and Hugh Jackman are great actors who are perfectly cast for their retrospective roles and they play off each other perfectly.  I've always wanted to see Hugh Jackman's Wolverine get the 'proper' outfit on screen and go crazy.  I get that here.  Personally, I loved the Marvel Cinematic Universe up until 'Phase 4' started, so a film like 'Deadpool & Wolverine' which openly mocks how the franchise has fallen is also very welcome.  Finally, the cameos.  I'm old enough to recall the superheroes films of the late 90s and early 2000s, so let's just say it was great to see a few 'old friends' on screen again.

So I enjoyed it.  If I had to offer any criticism, I'd say the opening twenty minutes did feel a little slow compared to the 'main meat' of the film.  Plus a few scenes later on could probably have been trimmed.  Overall, I'd take out between 10-15 minutes of the runtime to tighten it up.  The main gripes I've seen online are that it's not very focused and if you dwell too much on the plot then it all falls apart.  Okay, this may be true.  So, in order for that not to be a problem - just don't think too much about the story and enjoy the excellent chemistry between the two leads and laugh at all the in-jokes based around the genre.

I did.  And I loved it.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Mary Had a Little Lamb (2023) - Another one?

Okay, I'm starting to believe that there's a factory someone in Britain which effectively has a 'production line' which churns out low budget horror films based on source material related to children fairy tales.  I'm a fan of horror flicks in general and don't mind the odd low budget if the movie makes up for it with other qualities.  And not I've seen a fair few on a well-known streaming service which all basically have the same cast, the same location and, as mentioned, very loosely based on a children's nursery rhyme.

Now, if all those qualities don't unite them - they're all also pretty dire.  However, this one was actually decent (and I use that word loosely!) enough to keep me entertained for the duration.  But, don't get wrong - it's no masterpiece, even in terms of B-movies.

If you didn't know what the film was called, you'd probably never guess it was based on a nursery rhyme.  You'd probably just think it was called 'Poodle Maniac' or something, as the killer runs around with a giant mutated poodle's head on him.  Or at least it looked like that particular breed of dog.  Unless anyone can tell me what other animal it was supposed to be?

A group of podcasters... do you care?  Do you really need to know what the reason is that means yet another group of people are stranded in the middle of nowhere (this time in England) well out of the reach of mobile phone range, but just in reach of a mother/son nut-job combo.  You won't care about the characters - two of which make up both halves of the most awkward and unlikely couple I've seen on screen in a long time.  The others all just have weird accents like they're English trying to do an American accent, or vise versa.

About the 'best' cast member is the screwy mother, Mary.  She chews up the scenery like you've never seen.  Not a great actress, but at least memorable among the cast - I'll say that.  And the gore's not bad either.  It's not amazing in as much as none of the kills are particularly inventive, but at least they look realistic (as realistic as when you've just been killed by someone dressed as a half human/half farm animal).

In terms of horror B-movies I have definitely seen worse.  Many I end up turning off within the opening twenty minutes.  This one was bad, but it was watchable in a bad sort of way.  Does that make sense?

5/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Curse of Jack Frost (2022) - Painful from the start

I watch a lot of horror films - and most of them are pretty low budget.  Yes, they're bad, sometimes so bad I eventually turn them off too early to even review.  However, 'Curse of Jack Frost' is an especially bad type of bad.  Most awful low budget straight-to-streaming-service horror movies don't show how bad they really are until at least 15-20 minutes into their runtime.  Not this one - it was bad from the opening shot.

It begins with a selection of hand drawn images, which are basically one hell of a long exposition dump about how Father Christmas was once a bad-a$$ warrior fighting the forces of darkness (led by Jack Frost, in case you hadn't guessed).  Now, besides going on for waaaay too long, they're played straight.  The whole idea of jacked-up warrior Santa sounds like it belongs in 'South Park' to be laughed at, not a horror film in which we're supposed to be afraid of.

Then we're introduced to the usual 'flesh-sacks' at the beginning of every horror film ever made.  They're there purely to die - and die they do.  But, being one of the worst horror movies ever made, the 'Jack Frost' antagonist is revealed to be one of the worst-looking monsters ever.  Seriously, the mask is okay if you're going to an average Halloween party, but the real problem arises when he speaks.  His lips don't move.  The film-makers actually didn't have the budget to animate any part of his face.  It's just a mask.  No more, no less - like I say... as scary as any you can buy around the end of October every year.

And that was about when I knew I was going to want to turn this film off.  I stuck with it, simply because I wanted to see if it actually had any redeeming qualities.  It didn't.  I really wish I could get back the hour and a half I spent watching this film.  It's not scary.  It's not gory.  It's not self-aware or in any way clever.  It's really one of the worst horror movies I've watched online recently.

2/10 Scuzzier than the leftover goo from a Queen alien's egg sack