Exists - Sometimes the only thing wrong with a film is its lack of originality

‘Exists’ is about a group of teens who get stalked in the forest by Bigfoot.  Only, I just so happen to have seen a horror film before, therefore within the opening five minutes, I had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen every step of the way.

The group of friends is like every other group of friends you’ve seen in every other horror film where five friends go into the woods and come a cropper with rednecks/aliens/vampires (delete as applicable).  It’s kind of like ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer,’ but with Bigfoot.  They bump into him in their car and – guess what – he doesn’t take kindly to the hit and run and decides to hunt them down.  But, before they’re totally wiped out, they crack jokes, are oversexed and generally annoying (plus you have the black man here who feels the need to constantly point out that he’s black –just in case the audience couldn’t work that out on their own).

Some aspects of the film are ‘found footage’ or at least they appear to be.  Thankfully not all of it, so it doesn’t confirm to all the latest ‘found footage’ clichés that come with the annoyingly overused genre.  Naturally this film doesn’t really have much of a budget.  Bigfoot does himself towards the end and he’s not that bad.  However, before that you’re left with the obligatory ‘jump scares’ and darkened searches through the woods.

If you like horror films, watch one you already own.  If you already own it then you already like it.  That way you don’t have to bother with this one.  It’s not that bad, it’s just not original enough to warrant a viewing.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

The Zombie Dead - Creepy, but not necessarily how you might think

If ever a film could be described as a 'car crash' then it has to be 'The Zombie Dead' (or whatever it's called in various territories).  I think that I'd be hard pushed to it to find something positive to say about this 1981 low budget horror film.  In fact, I could probably write pages dedicated to all the things wrong with it.  However, because I'd say that there's absolutely nothing good about this film at all, it slips all the way round the spectrum into that 'so-bad-it's-good' category.  And, because of that, I'm ashamed to say that I own a copy among my DVD collection.

With a title like 'The Zombie Dead' you probably don't need a huge explanation regarding its plot.  Nutty professor.  Brings the undead back to life.  Carnage ensues.

I've mentioned it's 'low budget' and it really is.  Sometimes today we associate 'low budget' with bad CGI special effects.  We should be so lucky here.  The budget is probably less that the cost of the Sunday newspapers.  The 'actors' (notice the quotation marks?) can't act.  And, if they could, it probably wouldn't matter as their lines are dubbed over anyway.  The film was made in Italian and the English lines dubbed by voice actors who also can't act.  These are the people we're supposed to root for as they run around a mansion doing every stupid thing you've seen idiots do in every other bad horror film.

The only thing more cheesy than the actors are the zombies out to get them.  You're probably used to seeing - what amounts to - humans with bleeding wounds, shuffling about moaning on about brains (or something).  Not here.  Instead, the film-makers try and make the zombies into more monster-looking creatures with masks that sort of look a bit like a fleshed out skeleton.  In reality, I don't know what they look like.  I only know that if I saw one staggering towards me, I'd probably be too busy laughing to run away.

We meet our 'heroes' - about three or four couples of over-sexed thirty-somethings, either with a receding hairline, a moustache, or both (and that's just the women! - joke).  There's not a single relatable or decent trait among them and, when they do start losing body parts to our slow-moving 'walkers' we really won't care.  But, none of them are the stars.  I'm saving the real reason anyone watches this film until last - it's the 'little boy.' Now, we're all used to child actors sometimes not being up to the task of starring in a film.  Maybe that's why the production team used a middle-aged dwarf to play the child.  Why?  Don't ask me.  But if that isn't weird enough, he has an - er - 'odd' relationship with his mother.  No matter how creepy the zombies are and the prospect of being eating alive, it all pales in comparison compared to some of the scenes between 'boy' and mother.

This is a bad film.  You should be aware of that.  The only reason you should watch it is if you're in one hell of a forgiving mood or are looking for a film that is so bad that you won't be able to turn it off, just because you're trying to see if it can get any worse.  And it probably can.  A guilty pleasure to be sure.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Ferryman - Not that bad, actually

I've read some pretty scathing reviews of `The Ferryman' online; most actually have quite clever titles like `Don't pay The Ferryman,' `Ferry Awful' and `Throw it overboard.' Despite finding those titles amusing, I have to disagree.

The Ferryman doesn't exactly rewrite the horror genre; its place lies firmly in that massive middle ground of a billion other low budget horror movies that the average horror fan watches when there's nothing else on TV in the hope that this one might actually be quite good. Most aren't, but, in my opinion, The Ferryman is at least watchable enough to keep the average horror film entertained for an hour and a half.

It's about a small boat, containing six twenty-somethings, sailing to Fiji. Sadly, the pleasant holiday ambience is cut short when they rescue a mysterious strange from a stricken boat - and, as we all know, picking up mysterious strangers is never a good idea.

I won't go into too much details about the plot as you may not know which direction the film will take, but, like I say, although The Ferryman is nothing spectacular, it's not as bad as some people seem to be making out.

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Keith Lemon: The Film - The Lemon is sour

Now, I'm reliably informed that Keith Lemon (or the guy who plays him - whose name I don't actually know) does other - very popular - shows like Bo Selecta and Celebrity Juice. However, I never saw any of those.

I rented Keith Lemon, on the grounds that I kept seeing articles and interviews about it in The Sun newspaper. The papers were also full of stories on The Inbetweeners Movie (which was awesome!) so I kind of considered, based on the massive newspaper publicity campaign, that this one must be worth a watch too.

It's not.

I was about five minutes in when I gauged the level of this movie. In short, it's just not funny. I don't mind toilet humour. I don't mind crudeness. And I don't mind silliness. However, crude, silly toilet humour has to actually be funny to pass. Keith Lemon used all of these and just never manages to make a joke. It relies on celebrity cameos every couple of minutes. Most of these are misfires and come across as forced and badly-acted.

It's just bad. Seriously, check out the other reviews on any other website (I wish I had). The majority of people are giving it one star (and that's positively generous).

I'm tempted to watch Bo Selecta or Celebrity Juice to see if they're any better. I'm sure this guy must have made some good stuff, otherwise he would never have got this travesty of a film off the ground.

Stick with The Inbetweeners Movie if you want a taste of British humour at its best. Just bury Keith.

If life gives you lemons, don't make a movie about them.

1/10 This might as well have been written, directed and produced by Uwe Boll

God's Pocket - I really wanted to like this more

‘God’s Pocket’ is a difficult little film to watch.  It’s about a young man who gets killed at work.  His co-workers cover it up and it’s chalked up as ‘accidental.’ However, his family and a local reporter believe otherwise and look into it a little deeper.  It sounds good and, in some parts, it is.  However, I just kept waiting for it to ‘properly get going’ yet it never really did.

It seems perpetually seemed to be stuck in second gear, like an action movie that’s stuck in a box.  I know it was based on a book (and, not having read it, I really can’t compare the film to the source material) and I’m guessing the book isn’t exactly a rollercoaster epic of car chases and explosions.  Yet, I couldn’t help but think that if this basic story was given to someone else to put onto screen, he might have approached it very differently. 

There’s numerous opportunities for some really tense scenes.  I don’t just mean that if you stick in a few more car chases everything would be fine.  It was like it didn’t really know what it was trying to be.  There were definitely elements of gangster films in there, but, again, just when you were settling into a scene that wouldn’t look out of place in Goodfellas, whatever tension was building swiftly died down and you were left with many a plodding scene of people talking to one another in one dingy room after a next.  It seemed like too long to wait before the next spark of brilliance.

It’s certainly not all bad.  The cast elevates it over where it would be without them.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman is obviously the star and does his best with what he’s given.  Eddie Marsan is a little bit more underused than I would have liked to see him, but it’s John Turturro who puts in the best performance.

There are also some moments of darkly comic genius, making you think you’re watching a black-comedy crime caper, akin to something Guy Ritchie would produce.  Yet, once again, just when you’re enjoying laughing at the awful depressing predicament one of the characters has found himself in, the film-makers take their collective foot off the pedal and it all slows down once again.

Like I say, ‘God’s Pocket’ isn’t a bad film.  I didn’t hate it.  I just kept getting frustrated that something that could have been really quite good fun all the way through kept slowing down all too often and leaving me wondering whether there’s an option on the DVD menu to skip the dull scenes and go straight to the next fun chapter.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Zombie Nosh (a.k.a. 'FleshEater') - So bad it's (nearly) good

Sometimes just because you ENJOY a film, doesn't mean that it's necessary a GOOD film.  I can take enjoyment in 'Zombie Nosh,' while at the same time being able to admit that it's probably one of the worst movies ever made.  Where do I begin?

It's a horror/zombie film where there isn't a single shred of originality contained within.  If you've seen a horror film with a massive genre-cliche, then it's probably also on display here.  A group of - not particularly good-looking - teenagers (by today's standards, anyway) have a party on Halloween while an undead outbreak takes place. 

Now, these teens aren't just not that attractive, they also can't act.  And if you think that the average horror movie teen can't act... well, you haven't seen this lot try.  It looks totally cheap as if it's a Media Studies student's labour-of-love film project and the dialogue could probably have been written by your average ten-year-old (assuming he was into writing scripts regarding pulling people's organs out and devouring them).

And yet, for all its numerous faults, I still own it in my DVD collection and watch it occasionally.  If you're looking for a great/scary horror/zombie film then you won't find it here and I promise you'll hate every minute of it.  However, if you appreciate what can be made on such a low budget before zombie films were afforded the kind of budgets Hollywood has been lavishing on them (roughly since the 'Resident Evil' craze) and are in a forgiving mood, then you'll at least see what the film-makers were trying for.

You may ever be able to see that, despite everything looking cheaper than a postage stamp, the gore is actually quite good and the story doesn't pull any punches in terms of who dies (I was particularly surprised at one death, but no spoilers here).  I suppose the film's main 'selling point' is that it features what could be considered as the 'original zombie' from George A Romero's classic 'Night of the Living Dead' movie.  And yet I doubt the name S. William Hinzman will really fill that many more seats in terms of ticket sales.

Apart from if you're REALLY into your zombie films, the only real reason someone would actually sit down to watch this was if you were inviting a bunch of friends over and you were very intoxicated and wanted to watch a film that was so bad that you could all just laugh at it and play some sort of drinking game.

It really is a bad movie.  But I like it anyway.  Anyone else... you have been warned.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Piranha 3D - If you go into the water today...

...you'll probably get mauled to death - probably not a nursery rhyme that will really catch on, but it does tend to describe the film. Piranha 3D (note: I didn't watch it in 3D) is about - you guessed it - a horde of nasty flesh-guzzling fishies eating hordes of scantily-clad teenagers. In fact, fat people were obviously not allowed on set during this production.

There are bad films and there are good bad films. I'm pleased to say this is the latter. You should basically know what you're getting - no Shakespearian dialogue or massive character developments or plot twists, just daft, silly (and very gory) fun.

However, it's worth mentioning that just because this film was very `popcorn watchable,' not every film in the same league is. I've also watched the sequel `Piranha DD,' and, in short, it's rubbish. Whereas this one was a lot of silly fun, the second time around it feels forced and there's nothing new.

If you're looking for some grisly fish action and bikinis aplenty, then you have found your holy grail.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that