Silent Predators (1999) - Jaws with snakes

First of all, let me say how much I loved the 80s version of 'Clash of the Titans.' I don't care how cheesy it is, it was still a childhood favourite.  However, it's star - Harry Hamlin - certainly fell off the radar as far as I was concerned.  I'd never seen him in another film, until now.  Yes, the title 'Silent Predators' certainly says 'B-movie' and for a good reason - it is one.

Its plot effectively is a load of nasty snakes gets loose in a small town and starts picking off random nobodies you won't care about.  Meanwhile, Hamlin plays the local fire chief who suspects that the snakes are the cause of the recent fatalities and desperately tries to warn the authorities - unsuccessfully.  What you get is - effectively - 'Jaws,' but with snakes with the local powers that be not believing the threat until it's literally biting them on the a...

When it comes to horror B-movies and snakes, I kind of expected something like 'Anaconda' (which is truly great fun - if you like your cheesy B-movies!), i.e. a giant computer-generated monster-snake devouring people hole.  What I got was real snakes, generally slithering towards the actors until a prosthetic version of the reptile was shoved in for the 'kill shot.' I know it's a small thing, but if you're going to make a film with such a low-brow, simple premise as killer snakes on the rampage, you really should lean into it and make it fun.  The problem is that these snakes just aren't scary.  We've probably all seen large-ish snakes in the zoo and, while impressive, they're not as terrible as other movie monsters.

'Silent Predators' isn't a bad film, but it's hardly memorable.  It is indeed a B-movie and hits all the beats you'll expect for a film of this genre.  Good people tend to fair better against murderous snakes, while those with low morals almost always get what's coming to them at the end of a pair of fangs.  If you find this film on a streaming service, there are certainly worse out there, but you probably won't remember it for anything other than the 'first appearance of Perseus' in nearly twenty years.

5/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

The Earth Dies Screaming (1964) - And if you thought 'Dr Who' was cheap

I don't care how good David Tenant's turn as 'Dr Who' was, I grew up with the cheap balsa wood sets which wobbled every time a Dalek breezed past it.  Yes, there were no CGI alien armies trashing New York, followed by the the obligatory 'skybeam' for the protagonist to thwart.  However, they had their old, stuffy - even black and white if you go back far enough - charm.

'The Earth Dies Screaming' is - in case you hadn't guessed it by its title - is unashamedly a B-movie.  I don't think anyone involved in its production was ever thinking this was going to be a classic that was destined to stand the test of time.  It could have had that 'truly British stiff-upper-lip' feel about it, it could have almost slotted in somewhere within a 'Dr Who shared universe.  Sadly, it just comes across as a bit dull.  And cheap.

Most of the world (well, mainly England) drops down dead (?) while going about their business, leaving only a handful of survivors, who find themselves held up in a country pub.  Before they really get too much of a chance to figure out the whys and hows of their situation, they're besieged by alien robots who make the Cybermen look 'high-budget' and threatening.

Um, that's about it.  It's shot completely in black and white, plus it's not a long film and it goes on for a little longer where they're trying to find a way of defeating their metal and then it kind of ends.  Yes, I know it's low budget, so I wasn't expecting for any sort of 'Fast and Furious' car chasing to epic battle-scenes, but it just sort of ends.  And that's it.  On the plus side it really did feel like a short film - hardly over an hour.  It certainly won't waste much of your time if you choose to forget it.  I've literally just finished watching it and I can't remember a single character's name.  I think the main protagonist was old and had multiple chins.  You don't get that in your average Marvel superhero movie!

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Zombie High (1987) - Warning, does not contain zombies (sort of)

It's never a good sign when you pause the film you're watching and expect to see the counter reading roughly an hour of the way through, only to find that you're only thirty minutes in (to a movie that's only an hour and a half in total).  In short, this film is a drudge to watch.

I like to think I'm hardly a 'cinema snob.' I've watched every film with 'living dead' in the title and, as long as there's a few brains being eaten here and there I can totally enjoy a cheesy B-movie, especially if it's set in the eighties.

I don't know whether this is a 'spoiler' or not, but there are basically no 'zombies' in 'Zombie High.' Okay, so that statement may be open to interpretation, but if your definition of 'zombie' involves a walking corpse (or 'infected' person, if you're in the '28 Days Later' world) hunting humans down for food, then you're going to be severely disappointed here.

A young girl (supposed to be in her teens, but actually 26 in real life) joins an elite school, only to slowly discover that the pupils are being transformed into mindless er 'zombies.' Nothing wrong with that plot (let's face it... it's basically the story behind every variation of a 'Bodysnatchers' movie and they could be pretty awesome!).  The problem here is that it's just so damn slow.

If I had to sum up 'Zombie High' in one word it would simply be 'boring.' The eighties ambiance is on full display here and everything from the sets to the music and costumes spell out this decade to the full.  It also has a (pre 'Twin Peaks') Sherilyn Fenn as a side character - usually a fine addition to any cast and yet even she can't really elevate the script enough to make this worth watching.

I really wanted to like this, but it's such a slog that I can't really recommend it for anything.  Not even any real gore to speak of.  I guess if you like looking at eighties style sets and wardrobes then you'l definitely get that here, nothing 'horrific' in this 'horror' movie.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Highlander II: The Quickening (1991) - Worth thinking about

It's worth noting straight away that 'Highlander II: The Quickening' is widely regarded as one of the worst sequels ever made.  I can see where that line of thinking comes from.  The original 'Highlander' film was a science fiction tale about an immortal warrior from Scotland (played by non-Scottish actor, Christopher Lambert, but never mind) who had to fight other immortals with a sword until there was only one left - the prize being mortality.

Now, baring in mind that 'The Quickening' is a continuation of that story, I can totally understand why people hated it so much - and why it completely bombed at the Box Office, almost tanking a potentially profitable franchise from the start.  So, if you're looking for a 'part 2' which takes the original's concept further and runs with it then don't watch 'The Quickening.' Just stick with the original.  You'll be glad you did.

I could leave the review there, or I could mention that - if you took 'The Quickening' as a 'stand-alone' story - it could actually be quite good fun.  No, it's still not a great movie.  But if you're definition of 'good' is anywhere near mine - which is effectively: if it entertains me for an hour and a half then I don't regret watching it, then you might actually get something out of this.

The plot may totally contradict the original, but the special effects are good, the sets are really good (for the time and minimal budget) and it has Sean Connery in it.  C'mon, if you're looking for pure unfiltered 'entertainment' then what more can you want?  Okay, if you're still not convinced you also get Michael Ironside as the generic villain who chews up the scenery at every given opportunity.  He's clearly going for it, no matter how bad the script is.

Yes, however much you want to like 'The Quickening' it's still a B-movie and - as a result - will never be more than a 'cult classic' at best (and it's probably not a 'classic' by most people's standards!).  I'm not saying it's amazing and I'm sure as hell not saying that it's anywhere near as good as the original, but all I say is that - if you can put any biases aside that you might have at the direction the film goes after the first outing - there is some small enjoyment to be had at seeing Lambert and Connery on screen for a second time.  They clearly have chemistry and genuine friendship and it's a shame that it was wasted on a movie that's now only known for infamy.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004) - Pretty good (most of the time)

I have a weird relationship with this film.  Or at least it occupies a rare space in my brain reserved for a select number of films which I can't work out whether I like or hate.  Most people saw it before me and raved about how good it was.  So, when I sat down to watch it, I was obviously expecting something absolutely amazing.  I ended up not liking it at all.  A good few years later I watched it for a second time and it was like watching a film I'd never seen before.  I was cracking up at the silly jokes every few seconds and recognised it for the 'classic' that everyone has always said it was.  Now, a few years later still, I've watched it again and am left with a mixture of my two previous views.

It's about a news team in San Diego during the seventies.  Will Ferrell revels in playing the titular character to the extreme and it's full of very low-brow, silly humour and over the top gags.  But his time as 'top dog' at the station is threatened by the arrival of a woman who may just be able to read the headlines even better than him.

Maybe this film needs time to grow on some people (like me!) as on this third viewing I was actually contemplating turning it off, but it was only the confusion surrounding how much I liked it the second time around that made me stick with it.  I don't know whether it's a 'film of two halves,' but I really didn't laugh much for the first forty-five minutes (and it's only a tight ninety minutes runtime all together), but the second half seemed to pick up the pace.  I found myself enjoying it more and more and was glad I stuck with it.

It's certainly not a 'cerebral' film - the gags, as I say, are the lowest you can get and I think you need to get your mind in the right gear before you can fully get whatever enjoyment you're going to get out of it.  I guess I may never see it as the 'classic' that so many do, but it's silly, harmless fun in itself.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Tower of Evil (1972) - An early entry into the slasher genre

Pretty people.  Remote location.  The cast getting picked off one by one.  It can only be a 'slasher' film, only this one is actually quite early on, making it one of the first of the what we consider a 'modern' slasher film (if 'modern' can still be applied to the seventies!).  It starts off with two old sailors, setting foot on an island for the first time in a while and finding a load of kids butchered, with only one surviving.

Skip forward a few weeks and the only survivor has been returned to civilisation, but in a comatose state.  She can let the authorities know roughly what happened, but they need more concrete answers, so they pick a load of young people (all of which have intertwined love lives!) and send them there to investigate.  Something to do with archaeological artifacts, or something... I guess it doesn't really matter!

What matters is that you get a 'who-done-it?' which will leave you guessing who's going to live and who's going to get chopped up, screaming while being knifed.  And, boy, does the director like screaming.  There's about a five minute montage of most of the characters screaming midway through.  I seem to remember it was about that time I nipped out to get a cup of tea.

Don't expect too much in the way of gore, as the film doesn't seem to be able to produce the funds to manage much in the way of special effects.  And, while we're on the subject of things and how they looked, the whole 'island' they're stranded on looks more like a set than my own living room.

All in all it feels like the cousin of a British 'Hammer House of Horror' film as it's kind of cheesy, but with a few more s3xual references thrown in as if they're deliberately trying to up the rating to an 'R' level.  If you're into the genre, there's certainly fun to have here - especially if you're in a forgiving mood.  Or you've enjoyed 'Yes, Minister' (the British sit-com from the eighties) and you want to see one of its stars (Sir Bernard) in a completely different role.  Plus you have the 'It's...' guy from the opening of 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' thrown in there for good measure.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Late Night With the Devil (2023) - Found footage films revamped

Those long-term horror fans will remember 1999's 'The Blair Witch Project' and how it brought (back?) the 'found footage' sub-genre which was a cheaper way of making horror films and stayed around for about a decade or so before the gimmick became old hat.

'Late Night With the Devil' is effectively 'found footage,' only with a nice period gloss of paint on it and presented in the form of a 70s late night American TV show, rather than the usual video camera footage.  If you can get past the heavy 'information dump' which makes up the first five minutes, we learn that a late night TV talk show will do anything to save its failing ratings and so the producers conspire with the host to create a 'memorable' halloween special to scare their viewers.  Naturally, they - and the audience - gets more than they bargained for.

First of all, the film's charm is in its presentation.  It doesn't come across as overtly 'found footage' and the attention to detail to make it seem like it was a genuine television program from the seventies is truly great.  Everyone plays their parts well and kudos to not just the presenter, but also the younger actress who plays the 'centre' of the paranormal activities.

It's quite a 'slow build' as much of the first half of the show is... well, effectively just the first half of a 'variety' TV show - not much happens that isn't supposed to.  Naturally, as the broadcast progresses, things get further out of hand.  There are a couple of horrific moments, but they're few and far between and the ending is beautifully chaotic.

I think it's worth noting that there's actually quite a lot of humour in this 'horror' film, making it more of a 'black-comedy horror' rather than an outright gore/scare-fest.  Whether you're a fan of the found footage sub-genre of horror, were around in the seventies and need a shot of nostalgia, or just like your horror films, this film is a nice departure from your average modern horror film with no ump scares and real attention to detail and cheeky fun.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one