Feed (2005) - A bloated tale

I didn’t really know much about ‘Feed’ when I went into it, other than it was classed as the ‘horror’ genre.  From its opening I had a feeling that I was going into a ‘body horror’ film and, to be fair, there were certainly elements from that specific sub-genre thrown in there.

It’s about a serial killer (who doesn’t really believe he’s actually murdering his victims) who force feeds willing participants to death – and the Interpol agent assigned to bring him in.

The first quarter of an hour is great.  There are definitely some great practical effects in terms of make-up, but that kind of gives way pretty quickly to a story that could probably have been told in half the time.

Scenes drag out and you could even fast forward some of them simply to save runtime.  Then, during the final act, there are character decisions that truly beggar belief.  Back in the first ‘Scream’ film they pointed out many of the tropes slasher movies fall into, only in their case they were referring to ‘blonde bimbos.’ It seems fully grown police officers and mass murderers can also make such daft decisions during life or death situations.

I didn’t hate ‘Feed,’ but I just found it a little slow and a little unbelievable.  Not the premise.  I could get behind that just fine in this mixed up world.  It was how the characters reacted to situations that made me unable to suspend my disbelief any longer.

Nice make-up though on the ‘victims.’ Did I mention that?  It deserves a mention.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Trip (2021) I think all marriages must go through this

I didn't know what to expect from this one - apparently it's one of Norway's first exclusives to Netflix and, if this is anything to go by, I hope they release many more besides.  It's the blackest of black comedies, filled with betrayal, murder and backstabbing (sometimes literally) where a middle class husband and wife decides to get away from it all and take a trip to a deserted cabin for some alone time.  However, neither suspects that the other has secret plans to murder them and live young, free and single once more.

Now, I'm sure you'll have guessed that neither succeeds right off the bat, as this would then end up being one hell of a short movie.  As it is, it clocks in at nearly two hours.  So the two warring spouses come up across numerous foes along the way, namely an escaped band of sadistic criminals who will do anything to avoid re-cacpture.

There are no major action scenes here, but it certainly is a tense little number and it should leave you guessing as to HOW the couple manages to survive and what happens to them during the story.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Archive (2020) Not bad... for a human

By now my Netflix watchlist was looking pretty sparse.  I'd suffered through their collection of 'original' horror and sci-fi content and got bored of the politic messages it was trying to stuff down my throat.  However, then I came across 'Archive' and was actually pleasantly surprised.  The main character was a man and actually seemed pretty competent about his subject field, which was creating robots in a secret lab, far away from civilisation at the behest of a sinister company.

He's already created some sentient robots, but he doesn't want to expose them yet to the money men for fear of his creations being taken from him.  However, his end goal is really to move his dead wife's consciousness across from its computer storage terminal into a really state of the art robot who you could barely tell the difference if it was standing among humans.

Of course the powers that be soon start taking an interest in his furtive activities and start sending their men to make housecalls.  You could almost seen this as an updated version of 'Frankenstein' as the 'mad scientist' creates his 'monsters' that only he can truly love, much to the disgust of all those around him,

Performances are good and it's mainly just the two stars who hole it together (and one of them is technically 'dead' on screen!) and you can see the loss is weighing hard on the man as he desperately tries to build a body while he still has the resources to do so.

It doesn't sound like much and don't let the run time put you off, but it may take you sticking with it right until the end for you to fully appreciate all the hidden clues dotted throughout the film.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent - More than any Cage fan deserves

In recent cinematic history it's been hard to believe that once upon a time Nicolas Cage was a massive Box Office draw and a major A-list actor who even won Oscars for his performances.  Yet, no matter how great an actor he is, he obviously wasn't too savvy when it came to his finances.  He spiralled into debt and was forced to take one B-list straight-to-DVD film after the next, just to pay off his massive bills.  Then came 2022 and he made it quite clear that he was now... debt free!

And the oddly-titled 'Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent' seems to be one of his first films made now he can properly choose his projects, rather than just using them to cash a pay cheque.  Nicolas Cage plays Nicolas Cage.  Now, when an actor plays themselves, there's a tendency for them to exaggerate their performance in order to make it clear that, although they're playing themselves, they're not really like this in real life.  In this film, I'd almost beg to differ.

Nicolas Cage plays a role that, if not directly based on him, is certainly based on his fans' perception of him.  He's a washed up actor who riddled with debt and takes a gig attending some rich Spanish man's  (Pedro Pascal) birthday party just to pay the bills.  However, what he doesn't know is that the man in question - besides being an uber-fan of Cage's work - is also the prime suspect in a CIA investigation for kidnapping a politician's daughter.

What transpires is a 'bromance' between Cage and Pascal - and it works really well.  I know it's not supposed to be a 'laugh out loud' comedy, but I certainly found myself letting loose more than a few chuckles in the empty cinema I was watching it in.  The two actors definitely have chemistry and most people should appreciate that, even if they don't get every moment of 'fan service.' And there is plenty of fan service contained within.  Hopefully general audiences will enjoy this, but, if - like me - you're a fan of Nicolas Cage throughout his highs and lows then you'll get so much more out of it.

The first two thirds of the film contain the laughs whereas the final act kind of goes a little more serious, while straying from 'comedy/bromance' to straight out action with less comedy.  I found this the only (minor!) let-down in the film as it did feel like a bit of a shift in tones.  However, this was just a minor gripe and shouldn't take away the fun you can get from this film.  If you're a fan of Nicolas Cage then you HAVE to watch this film.  Although, hopefully it will appeal to a wider audience as well.  It certainly deserves to.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

The Bubble (2022) - Nice little satire

I didn't know much about 2022's 'The Bubble,' but I have watched (and enjoyed most of) Judd Apatow's movies throughout the years, so when I saw this one on Netflix I thought I'd give it a go.  It's certainly a product of its time and follows a typical bunch of spoiled celebrity-actors who are forced to isolate together during the pandemic we've all been through over recent years, while shooting the latest instalment of an action franchise that's well past its prime.

It takes more than its fair share of potshots at the celebrity lifestyle, not to mention how they (and us?) reacted to the new rules that were imposed on us during the pandemic.  And, unlike many online reviews I read, I actually enjoyed it.

Most of the jokes land and, seeing as we cannot help but know about the rules and restrictions imposed on us all, its easy to relate to their plight (even though they approach the subject from the aspect of those who have it all and find not having a mini entourage at their disposal as a 'hardship').

However, as with many of Apatow's films, it does go on rather long. 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' was actually quite long for a comedy and yet somehow you wouldn't say it would benefit from a good editing.  However, 'The Bubble' does feel like there were some scenes here and there that could have been left on the cutting room floor and the film would have benefited from being shorter.

There are a fair few names on the cast that you're (semi!) recognise, but no real stand out stars (sorry, David Duchovny!), yet the best laughs come from two (glorified) extras who play the motion capture monsters who seems to steal every scene.

I think anyone who is well into their films, i.e. how films are constructed and the 'behind the scenes' darker aspect of the 'Hollywood machine,' plus those into satire will definitely like this.  However, as relevant as this film is to today (and I'm amazed as to how quickly they managed to get this out!) I'm not sure how well it will hold up over time, as there are plenty of pop culture references that may go over future audiences' heads.  Or is that me just hoping that Tik Tok becomes a thing of the past as soon as possible?

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

A Classic Horror Story - Not that classic

I was really diving deep through an online streaming service's list of horror films.  I've pretty much watched (and forgotten) most of them, so I came across this one.  It's a low budget Italian film (you can watch the dubbed English version if you like) where five strangers share a ride in a camper van across country... with disastrous consequences, as they say.

With a title like 'A Classic Horror Story' I wasn't sure what I was getting.  I remember 'Cabin in the Woods' was deliberately marketed as 'the same old horror story (but with a twist!)' and deliberately subverted expectation in a good way.  Naturally, our heroes (who I can't remember any of their names, but one was British, one was fat and one was old, so they're all just about visually different enough for you to pick out when they start dropping like flies) run into trouble (no spoilers here, but you know the type) when the camper van crashes and they have to fight for their lives.

So far, so samey.  By about the hour mark I was wondering whether the title should simply be taken literally and this was deliberately trying to copy pretty much every similar movie in the genre.  And that's how it kind of went on.  The the final act started.  Now, I'm not classing 'the final act' as the final third, I'm talking roughly the last twenty minutes.  That's when you actually found out what was really going on.

It was then when the title kind of made more sense.  I got what they were going for and it was a nice enough touch.  However, this brings me to the phrase 'too little too late.' Yes, the ending was different enough to just about be memorable, but that doesn't make up for the fact that by then you've spent over an hour watching what could be any other film in the horror catalogue.

So, if you can stick with it until the end, you should feel happy about the pay-off.  Otherwise you've basically seen everything this film has to offer - and probably done better.  Unless you're really that desperate to watch a slasher-style film that's set in Italy.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight - By the numbers slasher film (but in Poland!)

'Nobody Sleeps in the Woods Tonight' was marketed at the first Polish slasher film ever made.  I don't know how true that is, but, let's assume that it is a fact, then it is about the only original thing going for this film.  I'll say now, I didn't hate it, but I was hoping for something a little more.

I know there are so many 'original' ways of having a killer stalk and murder a group of teenagers and still make it fresh and entertaining.  This one is about a group of pretty forgettable cliches who have gone to a Polish Summer camp in order to help cure their 'dependency' on mobile phones and the internet in general.  Naturally, they soon fall foul to a foreboding brute or two in the woods who delights in turning the youngsters into human skewers.  Now, if you're thinking that this is effectively the plot of almost every 'Friday 13th' film then you're probably right.

In fact, it's almost like the film-makers took the plot of 'Friday 13th' and followed it beat for beat, only changing the country it's set in.  Considering this film is made roughly forty years later, you'd think that they could have come up with something that, almost kept to the same 'slasher' template, was different enough to least a lasting mark on the audience.  For me at least, it didn't.

Again, I say that I didn't hate it, but it was so absolutely average that there's nothing to either like or hate about it.  There are kills, but they're nothing special, nor at they particularly gory or different to anything you've not seen before in every other slasher film.

Sometimes the film's script tries to be all 'self-referential' and 'meta.' It goes to great lengths to point out the cliches and tropes of horror films.  Then, for some reason, it adheres to every last one of them.

Overall, it's not bad, but it's nothing 90% of horror fans haven't seen before and seen it better.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights