The Ritual – Netflix filler-horror

Do you like horror films?  Have you seen loads of them?  If the answer to BOTH of those questions is ‘Yes’ then you’re probably going to find ‘The Ritual’ a little hard going.  Don’t get me wrong… there’s nothing particularly bad about the film, but there’s not enough that’s new to make it really stand out among the countless other horror films that have come, gone and subsequently been forgotten.

Four friends get lost in the woods.  You’re probably already thinking of a dozen other similar horror films.  Okay, so this time it’s some woods in Sweden, but a tree’s a tree, right?  Anyway, I won’t dwell on why they find themselves there as it’s all just exposition to get them to a remote, out-of-the-way location to end up at the wrong end of something nasty.  The first couple of thirds of the movie (and it’s actually a little bit longer than your average ninety minute horror flick) have a real ‘Blair Witch’ feel about them.  Okay, so there’s no handheld shaky-cam ‘found footage’ aspect to the story, but it still hits all the same beats as our hapless heroes slowly find themselves being first messed with by whatever is out there, before finally being picked off one by one.

The final third tries to offer something different, but only really succeeds in feeling like a different film to what’s gone before it.  There are a few horror clichés here and you finally get a reasonable view of what’s been hunting them all this time (something the ‘Blair Witch Project’ deliberately left out).  And then it’s over.  And then, unless you’re really new to the genre, you instantly begin to forget everything you’ve spent the last couple of hours watching.

I know I’m sounding overly-negative about ‘The Ritual’ and I probably shouldn’t.  Despite my bored tone, it’s not that bad; it’s just nothing I haven’t seen before.  If you really want to watch – yet another – horror film and you have Netflix, you might as well put this on – you might like it.

5/10 a hard trek, a bit like unicycling to Mordor and back

Terminator Genesys - A product of the times

First of all let me say that I’m one of the biggest fans of the Terminator series.  I loved parts 1 and 2, enjoyed 3 and, like most, did my best to forget part 4.  Therefore, I was pretty damn excited to hear that Arnie himself was returning to ‘reboot’ the franchise.  If you’ve followed the series then you’ll probably be aware of the story – a computer becomes self aware and launches a nuclear attack of humanity, then when the last humans fight back, the machines send a cyborg (aka Terminator) back through time to assassinate the mother of the one man who can stop them.  Most of you probably know that, so when ‘Terminator: Genesys’ (not a typo!  You’ll find out why it’s called that) recaps the plot, you can kind of switch off.  However, the franchise has been going for so long, it now needs to appeal to a new audience.  Therefore, if you haven’t seen a Terminator movie before, don’t worry – everything is explained to you as it goes along.

Now, if you’ve seen the Star Trek reboot, you’ll know about ‘alternate timelines.’ Terminator Genesys (pretty shamelessly) borrows from this and uses time travel as a way of explaining changing the original story and starting again (without alienating the numerous die-hard fans of the original – like me).  Now, the Terminator films have always been pretty dark and violent.  But, ‘dark and violent’ is a niche market these days and the studio obviously didn’t want to prevent many cinema-goers from watching.  Therefore, this Terminator film is 12A (in the UK), allowing kids to see it (I only counted the one ‘F-bomb’). 

What we have now is basically a teen love story.  The characters Kyle Reece and Sarah Connor are now much younger (and therefore sexier) and you get the impression the film-makers are trying for a ‘will they/won’t they’ kind of tale (think Twilight and others like it).  Game of Thones Emilia Clarke takes over the Sarah Connor role and does her best with it.  Although I found her a bit physically too small to come across as ‘bad-ass’ as Linda Hamilton played her.  Then we have Jai Courtney, taking over from Michael Biehn as Kyle Reece.  Here we encounter the film’s first major problem.  He’s just wooden.  In Terminator Salvation (part 4), Reece was already recast as Ashton Yelchin – who did a damn sight better job with the role.  Jai Courtney really is the film’s ‘weak link.’

So, while Emilia and Jai are there for the ‘teen market,’ us old boys are waiting for Arnie to show up.  And he does.  Mostly.  He sort of turns up here and there to kick some metal ass and then goes away again.  He’s – obviously – the film’s star and yet he feels like he’s a side character in a film called Terminator.  In short – there’s not enough Terminator in Terminator Genesys.

Also, there are a couple of sub plots which really could have been got rid of.  Yes, it was nice to have a nod to Danny/Myles Dyson from T2, but everything about him and some cop who remembers the time travellers through the years could have been cut for a tighter run-time.

Then there’s the spoiler.  I try not to add spoilers to my reviews, but, if you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll already know it. My advice would be to steer clear of the trailer and do your best to see if you don’t see it coming.

All in all, Terminator Genesys is fun.  I enjoyed it and see it as a decent addition to the saga.  However, I’m aware that it wasn’t really made for me.  It was made for the primary cinema-going age group – teens – and therefore had to pander to them first.  If you’re a die-hard fan like me, be aware of this and don’t expect too much that’s like T1/2.  It’s better than part 3 and a million times better than part 4.

Welcome back Arnie, but I still can’t quite get used to calling you ‘Pops.’

And, if you’ve got really good eyesight – try and spot the one second cameo from the former T-1000 Robert Patrick.  Blink and you’ll miss him!

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

Beneath The Planet Of The Apes - Not bad (for a sequel)

The original Planet of the Apes film was not just a classic, but - more importantly - a SUPRISE hit. Probably no one expected a sequel to be made, let alone so soon. And, as far as sequels go, it's quite good, even if it is a mixed bag.

It takes places literally straight after the events of the first film and we see the original film's hero (Charlton Heston's `Taylor') riding off with his new girlfriend, only to run into some - unseen - trouble. But, hot on his heels, is another astronaut who has been sent to rescue him. This is where the story gets a bit odd. It's hard to put your finger on it, but you're given your original hero, only to have him taken away from you minutes into the film and replaced with someone who looks and acts a lot like him, but isn't him.

So we follow `Taylor Mk II' as he too journeys into the kingdom of the apes (and all the trouble that comes with it). Then, it sort of glides from a sequel (i.e. new story) into a kind of rehash of the last one. `New Taylor' meets up with the same apes and gets chased again then imprisoned (as Charlton did previously). However, the second half picks up. And, when I say `picks up' I mean takes on an `original flavour' while at the same time completely going in a different direction which doesn't feel like an `apes' movie and more.

In case you haven't already seen it, I won't go into detail about what Taylor and his mate find `below' the planet, but, even though it is a little weird sometimes, it is quite fun. It was certainly inventive for the time.

All in all, Beneath the Planet of the Apes is an enjoyable ride that falls victim of being a little uneven sometimes. Plus it would never entirely live up to the original due to being unable to match its predecessor's shock ending. Part 2 ends, in some people's opinions, unsatisfactory. I just thought it was different. But then the better part of the film was quite different, too.

8/10 The Force is definitely strong with this one

I Saw the Devil – I got this… eventually

I’ll admit it that it took me a little while to fully ‘get’ ‘I Saw the Devil.’ Perhaps I’ve been watching too many ‘classic Hollywood’ films lately and forgot that other countries do things differently.  

It’s no easy ride and you’re going to need a strong stomach to watch it all the way through.  A serial killer, already wanted by the South Korean authorities, abducts and murders a young pregnant woman.  However, this time he’s gone one step too far, as the woman in question is related to South Korea’s top secret agent.  Okay, it was about here when I wondered how much I was going to enjoy this film.  But, I overlooked the sheer convenience of this plot point and simply went with it.

It doesn’t take long before our South Korean James Bond has located his man, but he doesn’t just kill him – too easy.  He decides it would be much more fun to generally torment and torture him in a series of dangerous ‘cat and mouse’ games.

Again, I did wonder why the secret agent didn’t just kill the killer.  Of course this would shave about 80% of the film’s runtime off its total length!  But, again, I overlooked that and went with it.  And, I’m glad I did.  Yes, it is a horrible film and full of very nasty moments, but it is certainly atmospheric and the serial killer is certainly someone you’ll be dying to get his comeuppance.  There’s even a few moments of social commentary thrown in there to show that it’s not just a mindless revenge flick.

Naturally, it has subtitles, so you’ll have to be okay with that if you’re going to watch it.  But, if you’re in the mood for something dark, sadistic and violent, stick with it.  It’s a bit longer than most similar films, but you may just find it’s worth it.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Wind River – Like wading through heavy snow

I know I probably shouldn’t have just watched ‘Wind River’ on the basis that it’s – sort of – ‘Hawkeye’ and ‘Scarlett Witch’ from the Marvel universe starring together and expect something along the lines of a full-scale alien invasion of New York.  However, there was a gun on the front cover, so I did expect a bit more in the way of ‘action.’ I was wrong.

A young Native American woman in murdered on a reservation and a local hunter (Jeremy Renner) teams up with an FBI agent (Elizabeth Olsen) to solve it.  If – like me – you’re expecting gun-play, car chases and a non-stop thrill-ride, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

What follows is effectively the cast trudging their way around the scenic, snow-covered locations, occasionally talking to people.  I know the direction is good.  The scenery definitely deserves a mention and you really do get the sense of isolation in the wilderness.

However, you may be thinking that if it’s not a fast-paced, action-packed movie, then it’s going to be a ‘cat and mouse’ tale of a murderer trying to stay out of the clutches of the law.  But it’s not – really – that either.  It – kind of – gets explained about three quarters of the way through where we get a jarring lump of backstory/flashback to tell us what we’re now supposed to know.

Personally, I was finding it quite a hard watch – until the final act.  There was a majorly-tense scene near the end which was definitely well done and I just wish the rest of the film was like that.

However, it’s probably worth noting that I’m clearly in the minority here.  I’ve checked out the rest of the reviews and everyone else seems to love this film.  Pity.  I guess it just wasn’t for me, so I guess you should take the majority’s word over mine?

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

American Mary - There's something twisted about Mary

I'm not sure how best to describe `American Mary.' The easy option would be to call it a `horror,' but that doesn't seem to do it justice on its own. It's more of a dark, horrific drama, charting a young medical student's disillusionment with her studies and pursuing the `easy option' instead. This takes her into the path of some particularly weird and unscrupulous people.

I read online someone describing the film as having a great beginning and middle, but lacking in the end. I'd tend to agree with that. The ending does seem a little sudden, like the film-makers kind of didn't know how best to end it in a way that would appeal to everyone. Your view of the ending will depend largely on how you view the characters.

And the characters all play their parts well. Special kudos to Katherine Isabelle, who plays the title role. The film depends on making her role work and I think she succeeds.

I don't know who I'd recommend this film to: it's one part `torture porn,' one part horror, one part revenge movie and some general bloodthirstyness thrown into the mix. I suppose if you dabble in any of those sorts of genres, you should get something out of it. For some reason, I found the overall feel and `story structure' most similar to the similarly titled American Psycho.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Groundhog Day – Still as good today as it will be today.  And today…

If you’ve somehow found yourself watching the 2016 version of ‘Ghostbusters’ you may or may not have noticed some bloke popping up in the middle of the film, only to disappear as quickly.  I barely spotted him.  In fact, it took me until practically the end of the movie to realise it was Bill Murray, now reduced to a cameo in the film that – arguably – made him a household name.  Whatever you think about the ‘Ghostbusters’ remake, after the original he was riding high and one of his follow-up roles (and possibly ‘best’) was as Phil Conners in ‘Groundhog Day.’ If you haven’t watched it then, by now, you’ve probably seen a film that’s – technically – based on it.  The formula is a simple, if pretty basic one: a man is literally trapped in a day.  No matter what he does, where he goes or who he meets, he simply wakes up the following morning in today.  Since ‘Groundhog Day’ I’ve watched this format played out in all sorts of other films or TV programmes – everything from the ‘X-files’ did it, to variants of the genre such as incorporating horror and sci-fi to the mix.  However, no matter how fun they were, none have really come close to watching a grown man kidnap a small rodent and take it for a joy ride through a quarry pit in small-town America.

Bill Murray plays a weatherman who hates his assignment covering a – in his mind- low-brown and pointless celebration in a small American town which has a tradition involving a groundhog (also called ‘Phil!’) supposedly predicting the weather for the next few months.  Murray’s done it for years and is totally sick of it, however, when the day ends, a freak snowstrom strands him not just in the town, but also in the day.  What follows is quite an accurate account of what might occur should this happen.  At first you have confusion and disbelief, followed by the freedom to know everything that’s going to happen in the future (or at least for the next twenty-four hours) and finally depression at the realisation that you’re never going to live any other life that what’s on offer for this day.

Rumour has it that Murray disagreed with the film-makers as to what sort of film this should be.  He wanted it as a deep and emotional study of the human condition when presented with such a situation, whereas the director wanted more of a fluffy family (romantic) comedy.  From what I can tell both parties seemed to get their way.  Yes, this film could be classed as ‘fun for all the family.’ There’s something for everyone to enjoy.  It’s great fun without ever getting too dark to be difficult to explain to younger viewers.  However, it does also grant Murray his wish to a degree as, despite its absurd premise, you could argue that it plays out almost exactly how it would if a human was faced with this ‘capture in time.’

I watched ‘Groundhog Day’ when it first came out in the cinema and I’m pleased to say that it’s as good today as it ever was.  There are plenty of good supporting cast members, my favourite was Murray’s long-suffering camera man, but this is Murray’s baby.  The film sits firmly on his shoulders and he carries it perfectly.  Enjoy its numerous imitations, but this will always be the original and best.  If only the same could be said about the 2016 ‘Ghostbusters!’ (meow!)

10/10 The Monty Python Knights of Camelot are currently looking for this