The Island of the Fishermen (1979) - I was expecting Peter Weller to turn up!

Alright, let’s not kid ourselves — 'Screamers; starts off slow. The kind of slow where you might check your watch and wonder if you accidentally tuned into an old TV sea adventure instead of a horror flick. It’s got that very ‘70s, old-fashioned vibe — you know, the kind where every line of dialogue feels like it’s setting up something you’ve already guessed five minutes ago.

Well, it's got all the B-movie greatest hits here: a mad scientist doing questionable ocean experiments, a greedy rich guy plundering nature’s treasures and a bunch of hapless folks who clearly haven’t seen a monster movie before (as it doesn't end well for the cast of extras!). It’s predictable as hell — but weirdly charming about it.

Then comes the second half, where things finally start to splash. The “monsters” show up — and, oh boy, they’re literally guys in giant fish suits.  At first, it’s impossible not to laugh… but give them a few minutes and, somehow, they start to grow on you. Like rubbery, bug-eyed goldfish who just want to be loved (and dump a load of priceless treasure at your feet - bless 'em!)..

It’s not scary, it’s not original and it’s not winning any awards for pacing — but if you’re in a forgiving mood and fancy some classic creature-feature cheese, 'Screamers' is a surprisingly fun little dive into schlocky waters.

6/10 — predictable, fishy, but good fun once it gets going

Black Roses (1988) - Tennis racket vs demon

'Black Roses' is one of those 80s horror films that starts off a bit rough around the edges but gradually grows on you.  Technically, it’s far from amazing — the acting is uneven, the effects are cheap with the 'monsters' being little scarier than a slightly above average Halloween mask and the pacing wobbles — but, as the story unfolds, it somehow becomes more entertaining.

The film follows a demonic heavy metal band corrupting the youth of small town America, one by one.  While that premise may scream 'cult classic,' what really seals the deal is how seriously it’s all played. There’s no wink to the camera, or detour into parody — 'Black Roses' commits fully to its ridiculous premise without ever veering off into how cheesy it truly is.

And yet, despite all that seriousness, the movie is actually loaded with deadpan cheese.  It’s this straight-faced delivery that makes moments like the now-infamous scene where a school teacher fights a demon with a tennis racket utterly hysterical (Ash from 'Evil Dead' only had a chainsaw and boomstick to do this!) — possibly one of the most unintentionally funny sequences in 80s horror.

For fans of the genre, 'Black Roses' delivers just the right mix of cheap creature effects and rock-fueled absurdity to keep things fun once it gets going. It may not be technically good, but it’s never boring and sometimes, that’s all that matters.

6/10

Ghosthouse (1988) - Nice touches, but ultimately forgettable

'Ghosthouse' is one of those many 80s horror films that tries to cash in on the success of better-known supernatural chillers but never quite finds its own way.  It generally relies on the typical haunted house tropes, ghostly children and (admittedly nice practical) gory set pieces into a package that produces nothing we haven't seen before many times in the genre.

Admittedly, there are a couple of moments where 'Ghosthouse' shows flashes of potential. As I said, some of the practical gore effects are actually quite nasty, especially during the film’s more violent opening.  Then you have the eerie children’s tune that recurs throughout the movie which is genuinely unsettling—it’s easily the most memorable thing about the film. 

Unfortunately, everything else falls flat. The characters are instantly forgettable, delivering bland dialogue that sounds like it was translated twice before filming.  I probably shouldn't be too harsh on the actors, as they're given very little to work with and it’s hard to care about anyone as they wander through the cobweb-covered sets waiting for their inevitable doom.  The story itself follows such a predictable path that even the occasional burst of violence can’t liven things up.

In the end, 'Ghosthouse' is a reminder that not every 1980s horror film deserves cult status. While there are some nice moments and that haunting tune, the dull characters, uninspired script and formulaic plot make this one an easy skip—especially when there are so many better, more memorable cult classics from the decade to choose from.

3/10

Bionic Ever After (1994) - Not even good bad cheese

It’s a shame when a reunion movie has the potential for nostalgic fun but ends up feeling more like a contractual obligation than a genuine continuation. 'Bionic Ever After' is a TV movie meant to unite The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman in some sort of 'team up movie' (long before Marvel perfected the formula!) where they get married.  Sadly, the team-up doesn't even end up being charming in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way.

The biggest problem is its unmistakable 'made-for-TV' feel, which drains any chance of campy enjoyment. Instead of leaning into the silliness of bionic secret agents in love, it plays things painfully straight. The result isn’t cheesy fun — it’s just dull.  The dialogue is hampered by its unoriginal script, making the poor actors feel stiff and awkward.  Even seasoned leads Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner struggle to inject life into their lines and you can almost see them doing their best to smile through material that’s well beneath their talents.

Then there’s the complete lack of action — or even a sense of excitement — especially during the first half of the film.  Outside of someone being pushed into a body of water (yes, that’s apparently a major stunt here), the “bionic” in 'Bionic Ever After' feels like a forgotten concept.  When things finally pick up, it’s far too little, far too late.

To make matters worse, both leads, though beloved for their iconic roles, look too unfit here to convincingly sell the idea of “superhuman” agents. It’s less “bionic power” and more “nostalgic reunion dinner” where the leading man has eaten more than his share from the 'all you can eat' buffet.

In the end, 'Bionic Ever After' fails both as a romantic finale and as a sci-fi/action adventure. It’s a limp farewell that lacks spark, energy, or purpose — a film that never finds a tone worth sustaining.

3/10

Crowhaven Farm (1970) - Low quality TV movie to avoid

'Crowhaven Farm' is one of those early 'made-for-TV' supernatural thrillers that tries to capture the eerie, rural witchcraft vibe popular in the late 60s and early 70s, but doesn’t do much to stand out. The film follows a couple who inherit an old New England farm with a dark past and, from there, you can probably guess every twist before it happens.

The story treads familiar ground with cliched mysterious locals, ominous dreams and an undercurrent of witchcraft that never feels particularly threatening.  Then add creepy children, secret covens and the usual “sins of the past revisited” elements, but it all plays out in such a predictable way that there’s little tension. The atmosphere is decent in spots, but the direction and pacing give away its made-for-TV roots with its small-scale sets and one-note dialogue.

While 'Crowhaven Farm' has some nostalgic charm as an early TV horror effort, it doesn’t bring anything new to the table - whether in its depiction of witches or its use of unsettling children. It’s watchable, but never surprising or particularly haunting.

4/10