Robowar (1988) - Should Predator sue?

Okay, I get that there are few original stories these days and most films we see are 'inspired' by previous films.  Some even go as far as to be called 'rip-offs' and yet even those probably have more originality than 'Robowar.' Now, 'Predator' was a massive success a year before this was released in 1988 and it still holds up to this day.  After it hit the big screen there was a rise in 'monster movies' - many paying homage to Schwarzenegger's classic. 'Robowar' is something else.

Within the first few minutes I thought to myself, 'Huh, reminds me a bit of Predator.' Soon I realised the film-makers have borrowed the entire set-up of 'Predator.' Half an hour in the scenes from 'Predator' have been recreated (only with a much smaller budget) and by the halfway mark it was almost directly lifting dialogue.

It was about then that I gave up.  If the film was more 'self knowing' and played for laughs (the way 'Hot Shots' spoofed 'Top Gun' and 'Scary Movie' imitated 'Scream') then this might have worked, but it was made as if it should be taken seriously.

I would say that the studio behind 'Predator' should sue for blatantly ripping them off, only I doubt 'Robowar' made more than a few dollars at the Box Office or on DVD, so there really isn't any point.

Maybe watch it for the Dolph Lundgren lookalike who wears a crop top.  I couldn't take him seriously after that.

2/10

Grave Secrets (1989) - What a slog

Holy moly, was this hard to get through.  I have to confess to watching it in two parts and, by the time I'd got round to watching the second half, I'd pretty much forgotten what had gone on before.  I decided to start again from the beginning until I realised that nothing much of any interest had happened and I could just skip back to the midway point where I'd originally left off.

It feels like one of those 'made-for-TV' movies based off a Stephen King story that seemed to be very popular in the eighties.  Those weren't very good - and yet they were head and shoulders over this offering.  It's about a woman who's troubled by a ghost and, seeing as the 'Ghostbusters' were obviously way too busy to help out, she enlists the help of a college professor with an interest in the paranormal.

And, er, that's about it for the most part.  Almost nothing happens until about ten minutes before the end.  The characters are ugly (meow!) and they do quite dumb things.  It looks like the film-makers put everything into one make-up scene a few almost passable special effects right at the end.  But that was way too little too late to make this worth sitting through.

3/10

The Monkey (2025) - Great fun!

Stephen King's book adaptations have always been a bit of a 'hit or miss' affair (and I've watched pretty much all of them since the eighties!), but, within the first five minutes of 'The Monkey' I could tell this was going to be up there with the best of them.

The premise is simple - there's a possessed child's toy (oh, wait, I probably shouldn't refer to it as a 'toy' - it really doesn't like that!) shaped like a monkey and, if you dare wind it up, someone will end up the worse for wears - fatally.

Now, King being the horror author he's mainly known for one of your first questions may be, 'Is it scary?' My answer would be a definite 'no.' It's too much of a black comedy/horror to really be that sinister.  There is some nice gore here and there which may make your stomach turn slightly, but the film is mainly played for laughs and delights in making fun of horror tropes.

I don't really want to say too much about the film.  I heard various online film reviewers giving it 'middling' reviews, so I wasn't expecting that much.  However, I'd say it's up there with the best King movie adaptations - if you have tongue firmly in your cheek then this is definitely a great time and I'm going to be tracking it down when it comes out on DVD.

8/10

Army of One (2020) - Should have been a parody

There's nothing wrong with a good 'revenge movie.' They've been around longer than I have and I'm guessing one of the first that brought the genre into the mainstream was 'Death Wish' in the seventies.  There, a man lost his family to thugs and - you guessed it - took revenge (the fatal kind).

Here we have a man and a woman fall foul of some local hillbillies in the middle of nowhere.  Let's just say the husband doesn't last long and his wife is left for dead - big mistake.  For what the locals don't realise is that she's a trained soldier who has the skills to make their lives a lot shorter.

Now, I know that to enjoy most movies you have to 'suspend your disbelief.' No one really believes aliens exist or superheroes are really flying about the place.  For reasons that I guess are my own, I can enjoy superheroes and aliens without any bother, but the sight of a very slim young woman maiming her way through a small army of giant bodybuilders is a step too far.

The bad guys - well, they're just bad.  You've never seen a more one-dimensional bunch of nondescript flesh-bags than this lot.  If you've killed a bad guy during a video game, he was probably more 'fleshed-out' than any of this lot.' And they're dumb.  And by dumb I mean painfully dumb.  They have a hundred and one times to get rid of this - seemingly indestructible - woman and don't, only to give her back the upper hand a scene or two later.

It just gets worse.  Or better - if you look at it in terms of how much fun you can take out of its absurdity.  The skinny little woman/hero puts grown me in 'sleeper' holds and then takes out two at a time.  And so on.  If she had superpowers (ala Wonder Woman or Trinity) it wouldn't be a problem 'in universe,' but she just looks so out of her depth when the stunt men have to throw themselves about the set to try and maintain the illusion that they're getting beaten up.  

This could have worked - as a parody (or just give her superpowers), but the fact that the film-makers try and pass this off as 'realistic' is too much for me to actually believe.  It becomes so stupid it's laughable.

4/10