Resident Evil: Retribution - Tell me why?

I liked the first Resident Evil film (and even the - much maligned - second instalment). I sat through numbers three and four then promptly forgot them and now tried number five. I kind of wish I hadn't.

Considering it's the fifth in the series, it starts off as if it's trying to reboot itself by being overly clever and bringing back all the dead characters and putting the existing ones in new settings and locations. Maybe I'm just being dim, but it came across as pointless and confusing. Then, when you find out what's really going on, the beginning seems even more unnecessary and serves no purpose other than to fill time.

As most people know, the Resident Evil films are based on computer games. Most films based on computer games get a hard ride for trying to make a story out of a medium which isn't really `narrative-based.' However, this Resident Evil film seems more like a computer game than most games themselves! If you're playing a computer game, you may expect to play one level set in a desert then the next level set in a city, followed by another level in the jungle. And you'd probably think little of it, as that's how video games work. However, films are supposed to be stories and therefore follow some narrative. Resident Evil 5 doesn't. When the confusing and pointless bits are over, you're left with one action scene after another, simply moved to another location.

The same baddies run at the same goodies and get kicked or shot to death. I know you have to suspend your disbelief when you're watching films, but this one took it too far. No one ever really runs out of bullets, the baddies (despite being an army) can't hit five men standing in the open, women in spandex can outrun lasers and every time anyone enters a new scene (or should I say `zone?') they have to stand their posing and posturing before finally getting down to (yet more) action.

The film goes on for the usual ninety minutes, however there's only about twenty of those with dialogue in it. Seriously, the script was probably the shortest ever written. Then again... that could be a good thing as the lines are diabolical and the acting even worse.

Then, just when you think it can't stoop any lower, it blatantly rips off Aliens with a `Ripley rescuing Newt' scene.

There is no story to see here, just action scenes. You might as well play Streetfighter 2 or Tekken on a games console for all the story you get.

I give it 4/10. I would give it 2/10, but the action scenes are well shot and stylish. Paul W S Anderson is clearly a good director who can handle cool visuals. It's just a pity he can't write a good script.

Dead Bodies - Does not contain as many dead bodies as I thought it would!

I won't give an exact number of how many people bite the dust, but, for some reason, I expected it to be more. However, that's just my minor gripe. I actually enjoyed this film immensely.

It's about a layabout boyfriend whose girlfriend shouts at him one too many times. A horrific accident later and he's left working out the best way of disposing of a body (and there may be one or two more bodies to follow after that).

Most reviews touch on Danny Boyle's classic `Shallow Grave,' as there are a few comparisons, but Dead Bodies isn't simply Ireland's answer to Boyle's first classic. Also, as others have mentioned the film does start off quite cheeky, almost as if it's trying to set the tone as a comedy. However, the comic feel starts to slowly dwindle as the bodies start to pile up (in not a very big pile). Therefore some people seem to lament the lack of quick-fire humour that the opening half hour displays.

The humour is well-written, so I can understand people missing it. However, if you just let it go and accept that the film ventures into something much darker then you should get something out of it.

It's one for people who like `whodunits' who know who did it from the off.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Kill Bill, Volume 1 - The ultimate revenge movie

Even if you’ve never seen a ‘Tarantino movie’ before, the only thing you need to enjoy this film (and its second part, obviously) is a sense of fun.

‘Kill Bill vol 1’ centres on the mysterious ‘Bride’ who is one fifth of a team of assassins. Only the other four, plus mentor ‘Bill’ doublecross her and leave her for dead. Not a good idea. So... four years later, she begins to get her own back on them.

Like I say, this film is never meant to be taken truly seriously. Yes, it is strongly ‘adult’ in its content, but everything is beautifully (and knowingly) over the top, creating a comic-book style adventure (for those adults with strong stomachs).

Obviously, Uma Thurman as the central character carries the film on her own, but you won’t find a dull or disappointing performance from anyone here.

If you like Tarantino’s other work, or just martial arts, adventure or action films in general, you should love this. The only people I can see not liking the ‘Bill’ saga are those who want a ‘hyper realistic’ film with its roots based firmly in reality. This is not real. This is fun. And fun is sooo much better than real!

Perhaps its only real downer was that it was split (by the studio?) into two parts. This makes both halves just slightly longer than you feel they ought to be. Yes, it certainly forces the cinema-going public to pay twice to watch the story, but there are places where scenes feel they could have been left out in favour of making just the single story.

10/10 The Monty Python Knights of Camelot are currently looking for this

Aliens vs Predator - Requiem - So close (and yet so far)

Believe it or not (and many fanboys don't), Aliens vs Predator was actually a financial success at the box office. Therefore a sequel was never going to be far behind. However, the studio was aware that the core Aliens/Predator fans felt short-changed from the first instalment, therefore the answer - apparently - was to make the sequel `darker.'

They succeeded. Aliens vs Predator 2 (or `Requiem' for whatever reason) is indeed darker. In fact, sometimes it's so damn dark you can hardly see what's going on at all. Guess what... the fanboys still hated it.

In fact, it got such a bad reception (both critically and commercially) that it managed to kill the franchise (not counting Prometheus). Therefore, you could be forgiven for thinking that watching Aliens vs Predator 2 is not that far away from having needles stuck in your eyes for an hour and a half. But that's going a little too far.

It takes place only moments after the first film has ended. A half alien/half Predator has crash-landed on Earth, bringing with it a wave of death and destruction to a small American town. A `cleaner' Predator is therefore despatched to sort it out so that the humans remain unaware of both races existence.

It's not as bad as some people make out. Yes, it's no classic, but it is your average monster-munching movie. And perhaps that's the problem. And film with either the `aliens' or the `Predator' attached to it is expected to be a hell of a lot better than your average monster-munching movie. And, sadly, this one will never achieve such a high status as its seventies/eighties predecessors.

It all seems a little like a teen slasher film. Instead of hardened soldiers (ala Predator), or Colonial Marines (ala Aliens), we have high school kids being stalked by the famous monsters. I can't put my finger on it, but it just doesn't really work.

No, AVP2 is not as bad as the real haters say, it's just that it could have been so much better. Don't set your expectations too high and you might get a decent (if practically pitch black) hour and a half out of it.

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

The Expendables 2 - Q: How do you turn grown men into boys?

A: Let them watch Expendables 2.

Okay, let me just say that, as a grown man, I felt suitably ashamed for loving The Expendables 2 as much as I did. Perhaps it was growing up in the eighties with Schwarzenegger and Van Damme as action heroes to my generation? Either way, for the first time on screen, we get to see Stallone, Arnie and Bruce Willis fighting side by side... in a Smart car.

And there we have it - a Smart car. That alone should tell you not to take The Expendables 2 too seriously. It's deliberately over the top, silly and daft. Chuck Norris is so hard he can wipe out an entire army in one go. Too much? If you think so, you'd better not watch this film. As for me, I find it perfectly plausible that someone as tough as Chuck can take out a tank and a platoon in less than five seconds, so, that's why The Expendables 2 is for me.

Men and boys will be one and the same when they watch this. The action is wonderfully over the top and the cheesy one-liners flow almost as much as the fake blood from the hundred and one stooges who get used as cannon fodder for our heroes.

I can't see how any self-respecting action junkie won't love this. I'm sure it's one for the boys. Especially as a female friend of mine watched it and commented how she wasn't happy that Jason Statham wasn't in it as much as he was in the first one. With more heroes, the screen time for Statham (and Jet Li) is cut slightly short.

Either way, it's action-packed fun that you shouldn't take too seriously.

Roll on Expendables 3.

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

The Chumscrubber – Almost unique

I don’t know why I originally chose to sit down and watch ‘The Chumscrubber.’ Maybe it was the name, or maybe it was the impressive cast list?  Or maybe I was just bored.  Whatever the reason, it left a profound impact on me.  I watched it.  Loved it.  And then forgot about it completely until the next time.  Then I repeated that – again and again.  I’ve seen it at least three times now and every time I love it and, for whatever reason, have real trouble recalling what it was about until I find myself watching it again a few years later.

I guess it could be described as a really ‘unique’ type of film, or at least it would be if it wasn’t for the fact that it feels very similar to the legendary ‘Donnie Darko.’ In today’s world of ‘shared cinematic universes’ I reckon there’s a reality out there somewhere where the two of these films co-exist.  Both are about a young, troubled boy whose world is turned upside down in an insular community of modern suburban America.

Whereas ‘Donnie Darko’ was definitely science fiction, I’m tempted to say that ‘The Chumscrubber’ is also – at least part – sci-fi.  However, on my latest re-watch I’d say whatever ‘supernatural’ elements are here, they are so minor they’re barely worth talking about.  Jamie Bell plays Dean, whose drug-dealing best friend kills himself, leaving the local thugs out of pocket when it comes to their stash.  Therefore, the town’s clichéd school bullies kidnap another boy and try to blackmail Dean into retrieving the ‘merchandise.’

Seeing as I’m refusing to acknowledge ‘The Chumscrubber’ as science fiction, I’m going to call it a ‘satire.’ In other words... it’s not quite funny enough to be a comedy, but there’s enough in it to make you smile to stop it from being an out and out drama.  Its message is how parents are too wrapped up in their own – legally medicated – worlds to notice what’s happening to their own children.

I can see a lot of people finding this film ‘too weird’ to be enjoyable, but, put simply, if you’re a fan of ‘Donnie Darko’ type movies, you should like what’s happening here, too.  It’s clever, dramatic, funny, different, has a message about our modern way of life and did I mention practically every cast member is a recognisable face in his or her own right?

9/10 almost as perfect as The Godfather

Takers - Pretty run-of-the-mill heist movie

This film has all the makings of a decent film – reasonable actors, a bit of action and some slick direction, but, for some reason, it just never seems to attain the right balance.

It’s about a gang of five robbers who rob places. And, unlike other films where the ‘heroes’ are thieves, these guys simply aren’t that likable. They steal from the rich and that’s about it. Therefore we can’t really root for them. This would be okay, if it didn’t feel like they were trying to be portrayed as decent people (which they’re blatantly not!).

Then, on the other hand, we have the two police officers who are hot on their heels. It would be easy to make them the good guys and the robbers the bad guys. However, these two aren’t much more likeable than their criminal counterparts. Therefore we have no one really to root for. Sure, they all look cool, but we still don’t like them.

Plus the first hour is pretty dull. I was getting quite bored, but at least the last act did save it. The heist is pretty exciting and it saves all the best parts for last.

It’s nothing special, but it’s slightly better than a lot of its contemporaries. If you’re in the mood for a light sort of heist movie then this is it, but I doubt anyone will remember it in a few weeks time!

6/10 May just keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights